Anybody can pick a Dream Team. Kobe, T-Mac, Tim Duncan, they’re your guys if you’re looking for a gold medal. Against the French, the Greeks, the Canadians, those are the guys you want on the floor. But what if you’re not going to a place where the biggest adjustment will be a trapezoid lane? What if you’re going somewhere that you’ve got to worry about getting shanked after a free throw? What if you’re going somewhere where the winners don’t get a trophy, but the losers become the winners’ bitches? Oh, please don’t send Kobe in there.

International basketball is one thing, the prison league is quite another. There are no style points in the hoosegow. The fellas going in there need to be hard, they need to be rough, they need to come strong. With this in mind, I present to you: The All-Prison-League Team.

First, the reserves:

F – Rasheed Wallace. Instant credibility in the pen. I’m sure he’ll show up for a game with the same t-shirt he wore to his first press conference in Portland, the one that says “Fuck What Ya Heard” across the front. He’s got the rep. He once got a technical foul without even saying a word. Also on his resume are a marijuana arrest, a season leading the NBA in personal fouls, and having in his house a bathroom with a urinal. That has to help somehow.

G – Jon Barry. This man has been to the prison barber. He’s got the bumpy, 2-day-old shaved head, and he has it constantly. He also has a wiry muscular body that strongly suggests that he’s spent some time in the prison weight room.

F – Andrei Kirilenko. The thin, evil scrappy guy on the block that you don’t want to turn your back on. He looks like he’s packing a blade somewhere in his shorts. The Ivan Drago haircut also intimidates. He has the look of the little guy that will attach himself to the big guy for protection, and then do messed-up things to everyone else. If a fight breaks out, he’ll come in afterwards and cut the guy on the ground.

F – Ruben Patterson. After being punched in the head by teammate Zach Randolph in practice, here was Patterson’s take on the situation. “He’s my teammate, he made a mistake, and I can’t retaliate, trying to fight him or beat him up, because I’m on probation, so I would get in trouble.” That’s the perfect attitude for this team: bad enough to get in trouble, smart enough to keep from getting locked up. He’ll also have a lot of experience in prison-type environment, having played with the Blazers. He also always seems to have an abnormal grin on his face. He looks like the guy who enjoys the prison food.

G – Jason Williams. Anyone who would tattoo “W-H-I-T-E-B-O-Y” across his knuckles can find a spot on the prison league team. He’s got a favorable history, having been kicked off his college team for smoking herb, and also spent some time playing with Randy Moss in high school.

F – Rick Fox. Not the most likely choice, I know, but Rick Fox can have tremendous value to this team. As soon as he walks into the gym, the chant of “FRESH FISH” will set the tone for the evening. And if the other team goes on a run, think about what would happen if we send Rick out on to the court, as pretty as he is. You don’t think he’ll attract some attention, swishing across the lane? We’ll have time for at least a couple of easy buckets before they get done running a train on Rick. And if that doesn’t work, we can trade him and a pack of cigarettes for a 10-point spot.

And now, the starters:

Starting at guard, 6’4″, out of East Oakland, California… Gary Payton. The Glove is perhaps the NBA’s all time best trash talker. “The most consistent trash talker I’ve ever encountered, and I can’t even think of anybody who is a close second,” says Bryant Stith. GP was quoted himself as saying, “I’ll talk about anybody’s mother. I cuss a lot.” And that was before the Olympics. He was once suspended for head-butting a guy in a game. He got into a fight at practice with Vernon Maxwell, the two using free weights, a TV remote, and a chair against each other. In 1992, Payton grabbed a robber’s gun in an attempted hold-up, forcing him to fire into the ground. That’s the kind of heart and fearlessness we’re going to need going into the big house.

Also starting at guard, 6’8″, from a level four prison yard… Stephen Jackson. Stephen Jackson looks the part more than anyone else on this team. I can’t watch a Spurs game without wanting to go up to him and ask, “Hey, what you in for, dog?” When he’s got the pencil-thin mustache going, with the black mouthpiece in, I have to look down and make sure his ankles aren’t shackled. His undisciplined game will fight right in, too, with the ill-advised shots and the reckless style, Stephen Jackson could earn prison league MVP honors.

Starting at forward, 6’8″, from the hole… Anthony Mason. Mase is ready to throw down at the drop of a hat. In 1995 and 1996, he was involved in two separate fights in New York bars, and in one of them, was accused of hitting a woman. Also in 1996, he was charged with felony assault after reportedly scuffling with a cop over a parking ticket in Times Square. In 2000, Mase was arrested on assault charges outside of a bar in Harlem. The three guys that were allegedly assaulted by Mason and his pals were hospitalized. Mason left the scene uninjured. Mase was also accused of starting a riot and assaulting a police officer in the French Quarter. He was reportedly involved in an argument with a bunch of guys about a woman, and when police tried to separate them, Mason hit one of the officers. These are just the highlights. This is the kind of guy we’re going to need banging in the paint.

Starting at center, 6’9″, from cell block four… Ben Wallace. To borrow a phrase from D.L. Hughley, “You don’t get muscles like that in no health club. You get muscles like that trying to keep a motherfucker off of you.” Big Ben might be the most intimidating presence in the history of the NBA. One look at that massive chiseled body and that pit-bull grill, and I wouldn’t blame anyone if they started crying and ran in the other direction. If I had the choice, I think I’d rather fight the entire Dallas Mavericks roster than Ben Wallace. It doesn’t hurt that he’s the NBA’s leading rebounder, best shot blocker, and two-time defensive player of the year. Big Ben Wallace goes after the basketball like it’s the last sugar cookie up for grabs in the commissary.

And starting at forward, 6’9″, from the county work release program, the captain of the team, Charles Oakley. Oak is the Suge Knight of the NBA. In the NBA or in lockdown, people don’t get any harder than Charles Oakley. Ask Tyrone Hill, Charles Barkley, or Jeff McInnis. When Oak was with the Raptors, they had a preseason exhibition game against Hill’s Sixers. Before the game even tipped, Oakley found Hill and slapped him in the mouth, they started scuffling, and they were both ejected. Before a regular season game, Hill was leaving the floor after a shootaround, and Oak started tossing basketballs at him, one of them hitting Hill in the face. “Every time we play each other Oakley says something about Hill,” Philadelphia’s Eric Snow said. “He’ll say ‘Where’s Hill at?”‘ Why was he looking for Tyrone Hill? Apparently, Hill owed $54,000 to Oakley from a dice game. Hill didn’t pay quickly enough. “Everything in life is double. If he didn’t pay me $108,000, he didn’t pay me.” Hill later reportedly did pay all $108,000, probably a wise move.

Not even Charles Barkley was too bad for Oak to mess with. According to Peter Vescey of the New York Post, Oak slapped Barkley at a union meeting during the lockout and told him, “Every time I see you, I’m going to slap you.” In a later game, Oakley threw Barkey to the floor just three minutes into the first quarter, and Charles got up swinging. After the game, Clyde Drexler, a teammate of Barkley’s at the time, called Oakley a dirty player. Told of Drexler’s comment, Oak said, “He can blow me.”

Jeff McInnis was another to earn the wrath of Charles Oakley, apparently over a woman. Supposedly, McInnis was after a girl that Oakley was dating in Charlotte. Oak called her one night, and McInnis was there. I don’t imagine that was a pleasant moment for Jeff McInnis. Oak went looking for him that night, but didn’t find him. So the next time Oak’s team, the Raptors at the time, played McInnis’s Clippers, Oak found McInnis sitting on the bench and clocked him in the head. After the incident, Oak blamed Clippers’ coach Alvin Gentry for telling the league about it, and reportedly went after Coach Gentry.