The NBA’s starting five, in terms of performance per dollars…

PG – Tony “Oui Oui” Parker
SG – Dwyane Wade
SF – Bobby Simmons
PF – Udonis Haslem
C – Amare Stoudamire

Also, high on the list were Tayshaun Prince, Josh Howard, Kirk Hinrich, and Luke Ridnour. The key, basically, is to still be playing on your rookie contract.

This is a nice topic of conversation, but it doesn’t really mean much. Zach Randolph made the list for best bargains, but I wouldn’t want him around my team unless he was serving them nachos.

Appearing on the worst bargains listed are are Jason Kidd and Reggie Miller… also revealing some flaws in the system. Reggie makes a lot of money, but his veteran presence is worth a lot. Kidd’s numbers are down because he’s been hurt, but without him, there’s nothing at all left in the state of New Jersey that’s worth saving.

There were, however, some guys who have very much earned their spots on the worst bargains list, such as Latrell Sprewell and Sam Cassell, who are apparently being paid to make a team worse.

The game’s MVP, Josh McRoberts… going to Duke. Guy who had 13 points, 9 assists, and 2 clutch free throws… going to Duke. Fuck.

I’ve really never had any substantial amount of hate for Duke, but it seems to build a little bit each year at this time. In a few months, maybe it’ll wane, but right now… I’ve spent the last month hearing Billy Packer and Dick Vitale do everything short of propose to Mike Krzyzewski on the air.

Anyway, McRoberts and Paulus… enjoy your days now. Soon, everyone will hate you.

An excerpt from “The Jump,” Ian O’Connor’s book about Sebastian Telfair’s move from high school directly to the NBA.

Quality reading, if you’ve got a few minutes. Interesting how David Stern, so opposed to high schoolers jumping directly to the NBA, wanted to make sure that Sebastian in the house on draft night. Perhaps a bit hypocritical, but David Stern certainly knows where his bread is buttered. That sounded sexual. Sorry.

Not a good start for a Penn State football team that’s likely to be under a microscope all year. Joe Paterno went 4-7 last year, this could be his last year on the sidelines, and… we’re not off to a good start. Unless you’re William fucking Tell.

Four highly-evolved intellectual linemen have been dismissed from the team for allegedly shooting arrows through an apartment wall. And these four geniuses are fifth-year seniors. Fifth-year seniors are emptying the quiver, pulling back the compound bow, and launching arrows through a wall. Excellent work, Penn State. Student athletes at their finest.

Can you imagine sitting in the next apartment, relaxing, enjoying a cup of tea or something, watching Sanford and Son… and an arrow rips through your wall? And you go next door, and you have to confront four Penn State offensive linemen? That can’t be a pleasant feeling. Unless you’ve got a gun, you should probably be pretty scared of people dumb enough to do something like that to begin with.

If Florida State plays Penn State this year, Chief Osceola should probably stay away… you wouldn’t want any of those goons to get the idea to set their arrows on fire before launching them into neighboring apartments.

…ESPN theorizes what the NCAA Tournament might look like. For instance…

Starting for UConn: Ben Gordon, Marcus Williams, Charlie Villanueva, Josh Boone, and Emeka Okafor.
Georgia Tech: Will Bynum, BJ Elder, Jarrett Jack, Chris Bosh, Luke Schenscher.
Memphis: Dajuan Wagner, Darius Washington, Rodney Carney, Kendrick Perkins, Amare Stoudamire.
Duke: Shaun Livingston, JJ Redick, Luol Deng, Shelden Williams, Dwight Howard.

You get the idea. They do 16 teams in all, although I’m not sure everything is completely accurate. I don’t know what Dwight Howard would’ve gone to Duke, and they have LeBron James playing for Akron, when I thought he would’ve gone to Ohio State. I dunno. But we’ll play along.

I’d like the UConn team to win the national title. That front line wouldn’t even be fair, and you know that Charlie Villanueva wouldn’t be such a slack-ass if he had to look at Emeka Okafor every day. Those three towers down low, plus Ben Gordon on the outside? That’s not being stopped. And if they need to go smaller, Rashad Anderson would make a pretty nice sixth man.

The Duke team, obviously, is also ridiculous. Assuming Dwight Howard went there, that’s just plain nasty. I’d still give a slight edge to UConn, though.

The good news is that this may come a little closer to fruition soon, with the impending NBA’s age minimum of 20, which I think is nothing but a positive idea. College basketball will get better, the NBA will get better, and no one loses. Well, some ultra-talented 18 year olds might lose, but I have a feeling that if there’s going to be an age limit, there will be some kind of a professional option, such as a minor league, available to kids for whom college isn’t an option, for whatever the reason.

Todd Sauerbrun… you have problems. Todd Steussie and Jeff Mitchell… fine. Have it at. You’re offensive linemen. I’m not saying it’s cool, but I understand. At least you have a reason for using steroids.

But a punter getting a steroid prescription filled? Come on… you punt. You get like 5 or 6 plays a game, and there’s only one or two muscles in your body that even matter.

And this makes it even better. When contacted for comment, Todd Stuessie and Jeff Mitchell were smart enough to not to respond. CBS called up Sauerbrun and asked if he knew James Shortt, the guy who wrote the prescriptions, and who is also the subject of a DEA steroid probe, and Sauerbrun blurts out, “I like him very much.”

Ten minutes later, the douchebag called CBS back and said he was confused, and that he didn’t know Shortt. That Todd Sauerbrun was confused, I believe. That he doesn’t know Dr. Shortt, I don’t.

And y’know that ongoing feud between Sauerbrun and the Gramaticas? The Gramaticas are winning.

A few kids have accused Marvin Harrison of attacking them, unprovoked. Their story goes something like this: Three kids wanted Marvin’s autograph. They were standing around waiting for Marvin to end a cell phone call. Two of Marvin’s boys told them that there would be no autographs or photos. And without further provocation, Marvin Harrison and his two homies physically attacked the children. One of the kids says Marvin applied a “potentially deadly choke hold.”

I just don’t see this as likely, even though the mental image of Marvin Harrison physically chasing down and assaulting three kids is kinda funny. I wish it had been Peyton Manning, though.

I’m sorry, I just don’t buy that Marvin Harrison flipped out one day and threw down with three kids. If it was Michael Westbrook, I’d believe it. Randy Moss, maybe. Any member of the Oakland Raiders, in fact, or anyone who’s ever spent a significant amount of time with Bill Romanowski, and it’s believable. Marvin Harrison, though? Sorry. I have my doubts.

“I ain’t the GM of this team. Kobe’s the GM of this team. Ask Kobe. You’ve been watching this stuff all year. You’ve been watching it and I’ve been playing in it.” – Chucky Atkins, when asked what he’d like the team to do in the offseason.

Kobe managed to sound consescending even while trying to smooth things over. “He’ll just work through it. He’ll be fine. That’s my boy, so I’ll look out for him, make sure he stays confident, make sure he stays aggressive.”

Chucky Atikins is a veteran. He’s been around longer then Kobe, and doesn’t need Kobe to look out for him. If he needs to skate on a rape charge, maybe he’d need Kobe to guide him through that. Otherwise, he’d probably prefer that he just shut the fuck up.

I said when Shaq left for Miami that Kobe would never win a title on his own. There are times when I watch him play that I can talk myself out of that, and believe that with the right cast, he can indeed get it done. But I always end up coming back to the belief that in order for a team to win a championship, they’ve got to be a cohesive unit that cares about each other, and will play hard for each other. I don’t know if that’s possible with Kobe around. It clearly is not happening, 1 year into the Kobe-on-his-own era.

And yes, just one blog item today… my apologies. I’m sick. I feel like I’ve been raped by Shaq… or worse, Magic.

UNC, Illinois, Michigan State, and Louisville.

I picked UNC midseason, and I had them winning my bracket, so… I’m not going to change it up now. Funny thing is, I’m really not overly impressed with how they play basketball, and they needed perhaps the worst call in the history of college basketball to beat a very very good Villanova team, but… I still think they’re going to win.

There are things I like about them. Obviously, their talent level is off the charts. If their talent is a 10, the next closest in college basketball is an 8. And I like how they get after it on defense. They turn up the pressure, they do it responsibly, they cover for each other, they sustain it throughout the game, they force the other team to do a lot of things they don’t want to do, and their D is the biggest reason they’ve gotten as far as they have. That sentence was too long. My apologies.

But, that said, it doesn’t seem like they’re always a cohesive unit offensively. Maybe they don’t have to be, since they have nearly perfect weapons at three offensive positions. But of the best offensive teams in the tournament, in terms of moving the ball, taking good shots, and playing intelligently, they aren’t close to the top.

By the way… you know who’s responsible for UNC’s incredible collection of talent? Matt Doherty. Raymond Felton, Sean May, Rashad McCants… all recruited by Doherty. The only guy who plays that wasn’t recruited by Doherty, in fact, is Marvin Williams. That, oddly enough, probably has to be considered the crowning achievement of Doherty’s career.

Now that we’re down to four, Vegas has North Carolina has 7-5 favorites to win at all. Illinois is listed at 2-1, with Louisville at 3-1, and Michigan State at 9-2.

I’m sure we’ll squeeze in time to talk about the other three teams as the week goes on… there are six full days before anyone plays again.

And just because I wanted to mention it somewhere… do you know what your chances were of filling out an actual perfect bracket, with every game right? According to computer programmer Brannon Shadrick, your odds are 1 in 9,223,372,036,854,775,808. That’s more than 9.2 quintillion. Just as a point of reference… there aren’t that many pubic hairs in the world. Not even close. Not even if you count all the ones that have been shaved. That is not a fathomable number. Your odds of filling out a perfect bracket are worse than your odds of winning the lottery, being struck by lightning, and being bitten by a shark, all in the same day.

themightymjd.com press department has been forwarded an incomplee and confidential list of chapter titles for the new book. We’ll share them with our readers…

1. Fashion Advice: The Keys to Wearing Clothes and Showing Nipple at the Same Time
2. Nurturing Your Internet Shopping Addictions
3. You and Your Catsuit: Showing Off That Ass
4. Dealing With Your Crazy Motherfucker of a Father
5. Dominate Those White Bitches: A How-To Guide