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Penn State tosses archers off football team

Not a good start for a Penn State football team that’s likely to be under a microscope all year. Joe Paterno went 4-7 last year, this could be his last year on the sidelines, and… we’re not off to a good start. Unless you’re William fucking Tell.

Four highly-evolved intellectual linemen have been dismissed from the team for allegedly shooting arrows through an apartment wall. And these four geniuses are fifth-year seniors. Fifth-year seniors are emptying the quiver, pulling back the compound bow, and launching arrows through a wall. Excellent work, Penn State. Student athletes at their finest.

Can you imagine sitting in the next apartment, relaxing, enjoying a cup of tea or something, watching Sanford and Son… and an arrow rips through your wall? And you go next door, and you have to confront four Penn State offensive linemen? That can’t be a pleasant feeling. Unless you’ve got a gun, you should probably be pretty scared of people dumb enough to do something like that to begin with.

If Florida State plays Penn State this year, Chief Osceola should probably stay away… you wouldn’t want any of those goons to get the idea to set their arrows on fire before launching them into neighboring apartments.

Matthew J. Darnell

4 Comments

  1. regarding your “Excellent work, Penn State” comment.
    wtf dude? It’s not like Joe Paterno told them to do it. And please don’t come back with some sort of hypocritical logic along the lines of “Penn State shouldn’t recruit guys like this”. Pah-lease! Every school in the country, large or small, has ignorant, foolish, sometimes dangerous people attending classes and competing on their athletic fields. If you don’t like it, stop watching college athletics, and join a temperance league.

    Bottome line, people do stupid shit when they get drunk. In the end, in this case, no one got hurt, and at least 2 of these guys will get thrown off the team permanently, and the dude who owns the bow will probably get expelled (for possessing a weapon on school property). That’s probably a fairly appropriate response.

  2. I think you should calm down a bit. Anytime anyone says Pah-lease” to me, I feel severely punished… but I you’re reading a little bit much into four pretty innocuous words… I’ve got nothing against Penn State. I like Penn State. I never suggested that there should be action taken against the program or the university… but the fact is, they are Penn State student athletes, and Penn State is responsible for their actions. If I had posted the exact same thing, without the “Excellent work, Penn State,” would your reaction have been the same?

    So every time I criticize an athlete for doing something dumb, I should stop watching that sport all together? I think OJ’s a bad guy, so I can no longer watch Bills games? Is that what you’re suggesting?

    And just for the record, I think firing a compound bow into a neighboring apartment goes a little bit beyond “doing stupid shit when they get drunk.” Puking on a lawn gnome falls into that category. Walking into a parking meter, maybe. Opening fire into a neighboring apartment, however, is just a little more extreme.

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