This is about the last thing you want to see your team experiencing in the middle of a potential title run. It’s just unthinkable… Seriously, it would hurt the team less if Chauncey Billups was arrested yesterday for the rape of a dyslexic Canadian moose. It would do less damage to the team than these rumors, perhaps facts, of Larry Brown bolting for a front office job in Cleveland.

He’s still sticking to his story that he wants to coach the Pistons next year, but first has to make a decision about his health. “If I’m healthy, my goal is to be the coach of the Detroit Pistons. That’s the only thing that’s really real.”

I’d like to believe him… but the rumblings are really strong. First in the New York Times, and now Chad Ford of ESPN is saying that he’s telling people he’s taking the job. If it’s true or not, it’s a fucking nightmare for the Detroit basketball team. This is not the time you want this to happen.

The mountain that Detroit has to climb for Game 4 just got a lot taller. We will see how they respond.

I don’t know how ESPN will ever replace the ratings they got from the National Hockey League. Professional bowling, fireman competitions, spelling bees, soccer, LPGA tournaments, test patterns, and a 2-hour “Stuart Scott Interacts With Actual Black People” special are options that are being considered.

Anyway… hockey done fucked up now. They could return to ESPN (2) but at a drastically reduced rate. And if they don’t return at all… well, they might as well be the AHL.

The one way that this could turn into a positive is if the owners go back to the players now and say, “Hey… ESPN doesn’t even want us. You still need $8 million a year, douchebag?” Perhaps that could spur contract talks to be a little more productive.

I think ESPN should just say fuck hockey, and put some energy into promoting soccer. And I’m serious. If they need a sport to fill that gap, I’d like to see it be soccer. I’m not a big fan of the sport currently, but… it does kinda bug me that the United States sucks at it. 99% of my life, I’m very much a non-patriotic kinda guy, but I still want us to whoop ass in international competitions.

Last night, a friend and I were discussing how the best young athletes here don’t consider playing soccer as a profession… so as a potential solution, we suggested that when an American high school kid declares for the NBA draft and flames out, he should then be forced to learn to play soccer. If in two years, he’s not on an NBA roster, he’s got to pick up soccer. That would certainly upgrade the athleticism of the team.

Bill Simmons didn’t like it. Roger Ebert had a pretty strange review of it. He saw it three weeks ago, and wrote a somewhat positive review. Then he went to the Cannes Film Festival, saw some legitimately great films, and then thought to himself, “How the fuck did I give The Longest Yard a thumbs-up?”

I’ve never seen the original. And any movie with Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Nelly, and Damon from Friday After Next… well I’m excited about. I plan to see both.

I’m just kinda curious, though, about which one I should see first? Any opinions from people who have seen both, or either one? I’d appreciate some assistance…

New Jersey State Assemblyman and Baptist holy roller Craig Stanley wants the New Jersey Devils to change their nickname to something that doesn’t make him think of Satan. I’ll let him explain…

“This is an age where symbolism is very important,” said Stanley. “I’ve always cringed when people say they’re going to see the Devils,” Stanley said. “The merchandise, the paraphernalia is based on the actual demonic devil. Personally, it causes a little bit of an issue with me.”

Oh… well, that’s because you’re a crazy motherfucker. If the residents of New Jersey can’t differentiate between Martin Brodeur and Satan himself, New Jersey has bigger issues than a hockey team’s nickname.

And I’m just wondering why symbolism is more important in this age than in others. I don’t know what that’s about. Anyone got any theories? Does it have anything to do with terrorists? Are we a more symbolic people now than we were thirty years ago?

Anyway, maybe where there isn’t a used Camaro for sale next to a hubcap tree in every lawn in New Jersey, then we can worry about the Devils logo. Or, for that matter, if hockey actually decides to exist again at some point, then we can worry about the Devils logo.

The last things you expect to see from the Pistons down the stretch are poor coaching decisions, and a complete loss of compusure. They were guilty of both last night. And at the same time, they had the problem that’s been with them all year… lapses in focus and intensity.

Dwyane Wade was again great. Shaq was better than he’s been at any point in these playoffs. And still, Detroit hung around, and started getting some breaks, and had the lead in the fourth quarter. Things were going their way. But Miami hit a couple of shots, a couple of calls went against them, and they lost their shit. They picked up a couple of technicals and made some dumb plays.

And the mistake I think Larry Brown made was not coming back with Lindsay Hunter when Dwyane Wade re-entered in the fourth quarter. Yeah, it’s hard to take Rip, Chauncey, or Tayshaun out when they’ve proved that they’re clutch players, but Lindsay was bringing a defensive energy that no one else was capable of. The team was feeding off of him, and they looked stagnant and passive when he was not in the game. When Wade left with five fouls, Larry Brown pulled Hunter, and didn’t put him back in until it was too late.

There weren’t a lot of tactical changes by either coach from Game 2 to Game 3. Detroit executed better offensively, getting into their sets and moving the ball. But they didn’t keep it up for 48, and played a pretty poor defensive game.

And Miami’s good enough to make them pay for it. Dwyane Wade continues to be unbelievable. He’s turned into a guy who can be absolutely unstoppable. The Pistons were much better at keeping him out of the lane tonight, and he responded by proving that he can kill teams with his jumper, too. Udonis Haslem hit a lot of shots tonight. Rasual Butler gave them some points from nowhere. And Shaq, at least offensively, looked like he was back to the old Shaq.

So now it’s on Detroit to use this as a turning point to regain the intensity and fire they played with last year. This Miami team is clearly the best team they’ve played in the playoffs either of the past two years. They’ve got to up their hunger level, quit whining about bad calls (Tayshaun Prince), and just play.

That’s really all I needed to know. That, to me, is the entire news story. Someone possessing an adam’s apple won, and thus, the Indianapolis 500 is worthless to me.

I actually watched like the last 15 laps. I’m not proud of it, but it happened. And then Casey Weldon, former Florida State quarterback, took the lead and won the thing, and I realized that I wouldn’t be getting those last fifteen minutes of my life back.

Maybe next year, Danica. That’s when I’ll be watching my next 15 minutes of car racing.

Not everyone is down with Danica Patrick, it seems. You’d think that fellow drivers would be excited about the buzz she’s generated for the sport, and the interest she attracts. But some guy named Robby Gordon isn’t with that. He refuses to race against her.

Why? Because she weighs 100 pounds. Gordon contends that because she’s lighter, her car goes faster… and says, “that’s the reason she’s so much faster.”

“I won’t race against her until the IRL does something to take that advantage away.”

Whatever, pussy. What do you want the IRL to do, shove cheeseburgers down her throat? This is the all-time sissiest, bitchiest whine I’ve ever heard. If you want your little car activity to be considered a sport, Robby… if you want to be considered an athlete, you’re just going to have to deal with body differences in other competitors.

If you don’t like it, skirty, put a jockey in your car. If being light is the key to victory, put Gary Coleman behind the wheel. She weighs too little… come on, man. The horse racing people found a way to deal with similar issues. In sports, people are all different shapes and sizes, and if it helps someone, they can use it. No one asks Shaq to play on his knees. No one complains that Allen Iverson is just too damn fast.

Of course, maybe that’s the issue. Size advantage is something that can be used in sports.

So whether Danica Patrick participates or doesn’t, it is clear that Robby Gordon will always have the smelliest vagina in the entire IRL.

Lazer Collazo was the head coach at Gulliver Preperatory School in Miami. Lazer Collazo will now be looking for other employment opportunities.

This is awesome. Lazer was talking to the kids after a loss to Florida Christian. Lazer apparently wasn’t happy with the effort his players were showing. So he did what any good coach would do…

…and he yanked out the captain.

Yep. Lazer displayed his penis, and his testicles… and asked his players if they had those, or if they had vaginas.

And I think it’s hilarious. Wrong, sure… but certainly on the hilarious side of wrong. I mean, a million high school coaches every day accuse their players of not having balls, or of being pussies. Most of them know when to stop, though. Most of them don’t take that extra step and show the goods.

He should be out of a job, and he is, so I’m not going to get too broken up about it. I’d rather be coached by this guy than Larry Cochell. They were high school kids, not pre-schoolers. They are all aware of male genitalia. If I was on the team, I’d have probably thought it was pretty funny. And it may have even worked as a motivational tactic. I’d be hanging out at 3rd base thinking, “Man, I do not wanna see this guy’s junk again.”

I guess it could happen. There’s no specific plan in place or anything, but the idea was out there. Some people expect that it’s coming in the next few years, and David Stern isn’t denying it.

Surprise, surprise, Mark Cuban is all for it. “Anything that creates new revenue sources is good for both the teams and the players,” he said.

And the argument that it cheapens things?

“I never understood the concept of ‘it cheapens the game,’ ” he said. “What does that really mean? That it helps minimize ticket price increases? The NBA is a business, and the only mistake is not to seriously consider revenue forms that make it financially stable.”

I’d be with him, if he hadn’t mention the thing about ticket prices. Ticket prices don’t ever do anything but go up, and if team owners find a way to take in more money somewhere else, I have yet to see them pass that savings on to ticket-buyers. New TV deals are signed. Prices still get jacked. New advertisers are found. Prices still get jacked. The next time a sports team owner uses a new revenue stream to help out ticket-buyers will be the first time.

I’m not really fundamentally opposed to it. I mean, if it gives my team a few extra bucks to spend on a free agent, I’m with that. And it’s going to happen, there’s no point in bitching about it. What is key, however, is to integrate the company logo seamlessly into the uniform. You can’t just sew a logo onto the uniform any damn place you feel like.

Soccer teams do a good job. I could live with something like that. Example, example, example.

Bob Knight does not.

Arena Football does not.

Lacrosse does not.

Shaq has been sworn in as a U.S. deputy marshall, and has been working on a task force to catch online sexual predators.

He’s had this obsession with law enforcement forever. When he says he wants to be a cop when his career is over, I believe him.

I think anyone he catches trying to endanger children should actually be forced to have sex with him. I think that’s the most important contribution he could make to law enforcement. You get caught using the Internet to meet children, and you have to be Shaq’s catcher. Actually, give them the choice… 10 years in the clink, or they get into some Siegfried and Roy positions with The Diesel.