…because sometimes, it’s necessary to have a headline that quotes the Iron Sheik.

The American basketball program is in trouble (that’s an ESPN Insider article). I’m telling you… don’t get your hopes up for a gold medal at the World Championships in 2006 or the Olympics in 2008.

You remember how miserably we failed, right? The shame, the humiliation, the embarrassment… Well, you know how we responded?

As Chris Sheridan points out in an excellent Insider article, we left out practice schedule just as ridiculously short as it was the last time, and we hired a coach who doesn’t know how much time is on the international shot clock.

That’s good. Is Coach K aware of the trapezoid lane? Does he know that he won’t be playing Clemson, Miami, and NC State? Can someone explain to him that he will be playing teams from far-away exotic lands like Argentina and Serbia Montenegro?

We’re dead. I have no beef with Coach K… I don’t even hate Duke that much. But if he isn’t aware that the international shot clock has been at 24-seconds since a rule change in 2001, then he hasn’t been paying attention. That’s not a knock on the guy, just a fact. He has not been paying attention. He is not the man for this job.

The U.S. Basketball Federation is just being shockingly brazen in their negligence here. After 2004, Larry Brown whined to anyone who would listen that the practice schedule wasn’t long enough… that other teams had a huge head start, in addition to the fact that they’ve been playing together all their lives.

That should be an easy one. That’s an easy fix. And they screwed it up… or, perhaps more accurately, they just ignored it. There is no chance that they’re going to get any of the other countless issues worked out. We’re done.

I feel bad doing this… I really do. But Peter King is very popular, very successful, and read by just about everyone. It’s not like I’m going to chip away at his popularity here, so to hell with it. I want to first mention, though, that the first two pages of the column, the ones about Wellington Mara, were very good. And this comes from someone who has no connection to, or knowledge of, the Maras, and I read and enjoyed Peter King’s words on him. But, that said, goofiness abounds. It was as if Peter King got out of bed this morning and said to himself, “Hey, let’s give MJD some material this week.” Peter’s in italics, I’m in bold.

On his bye week, Peyton Manning went to Knoxville, where Tennessee retired his number on Saturday, then on to New Jersey for little brother Eli’s Sunday showdown with Washington. He was chuckling wryly when he said this to me in midweek: “What would a bye week be like for me without two football games?”

It would be a 48-hour sex romp with Kenny Chesney, that’s what it would be. By the way, how’d Peyton enjoy seeing Tennessee lose to Steve Spurrier? Would deja vu be an accurate description?

And on the Sabbath, Jerome Bettis rested those valuable pins for the duel with the Ravens.

Because it’s never a bad time for the Jerome Bettis/God comparisions. The duel with the Ravens, by the way, will be contested without Ray Lewis or Ed Reed, but with Anthony Wright, and the final score should be something like 82-0. Of all the Monday Night matchups this season, this is the one I’m least likely to see as a “duel.”

On his bye week, Michael Vick attached a lot of electrodes to his hamstrings and calves and ankles and said: “Hang in there for three more months! Hang in there!”

What did he do for his ability to read a defense and make accurate throws? Did he crack open his skull and attach an electrode to his cerebral cortex? Can you you put an electrode on the central nervous system somehow? Really, I think his legs are the least of his problems.

“I think this is the hardest job in sports.”

Without wanting to sound too disrespectful, Brian, ARE YOU HIGH?!!!!!!

It just makes me laugh when Peter King screams about something.

There was a basset hound trotting down New York Route 8 in the southbound lane just outside of Deposit on Friday morning. Cars didn’t disturb the oblong fellow. He would just jog over to the side when a southbound vehicle approached, continuing to pad along. He would ignore the slowing northbound traffic.

So, to recap, a dog was running along the side of the road, and he would get out of the way when a car approached. That’s riveting. Animal behavior is so peculiar sometimes. Normally, when I see dogs on the side of the road, they’re bouncing around, running into cars and barking to the tune of “London Bridge.” Many of them operate their own independent lemonade stands. But this special creature was avoiding moving vehicles. Remarkable.

I think, regarding replay — and I have said this a thousand times — that an official has to have indisputable visual evidence to overturn a call.

You think? Isn’t that the actual rule? Isn’t that something that every commentator says every time there’s a replay situation? Thanks for the clarification, though, a thousand times over.

I would like to announce, drum roll please, that I’m a heterosexual male.

I have my doubts, but okay. I would like to see what Tom Brady and Bill Belichick had to say about the situation, though.

I don’t understand the mania around athletes announcing their sexual preference. Do the vast majority of Americans care whom Sheryl Swoopes sleeps with?

Here’s the reason for the mania: America, as a whole, doesn’t like homosexuals. Now I know we’re not all as wordly or metropolitan as Peter King, but believe it or not, there are people out there who aren’t 100% comfortable with the idea of homosexuality. Now, in the case of Swoopes, no one cares because she’s a WNBA player at the end of her career. But a male athlete in a major sport? Yeah, that’s a big deal.

I don’t want to compare levels of courageousness, but… y’know, I wonder if Peter understood the mania around Jackie Robinson being black and playing baseball. Being gay and being a big-time athlete is going to be very difficult for the first person who does. Maybe not Jackie Robinson-difficult, but difficult nonetheless. Swoopes was a step towards that. While I don’t care about the WNBA and probably never will, I understand the newsworthiness of the item.

If you ask for a coffee with cream with your room-service oatmeal, as I did on Sunday morning at the Houston Airport Hyatt, and coffee with some thinnish kind of milk is sent, what are your options? Call down and wait 15 minutes (or more, who knows?) for the half-and-half to be sent? Or shut up and be a man and drink the one-percentish milk? I chose the latter.

FUCKING MANLY, BRO. ARRRRRRRGH. I guess that was just to hammer home the point about being a heterosexual male. Believe me, if you drank the coffee with the low quality milk… I am convinced.

I am really getting to be an old lady.

Don’t contradict yourself, Peter.

…and I warn you, if you’re feeling emotional or upset about the passing of Wellington Mara, you should probably pass on this one. Here it be. An excerpt…

Wow. Brett Favre has five interceptions. He really should consider retiring… and I don’t mean after the season, I mean right now, halfway through the third quarter. Go up to a referee, turn on his mic, and say, “I have five interceptions today. I apologize. I’m not good anymore, and I’m going home to listen to Toby Keith albums and mow my grass. Thank you.”

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Hey, why does Gunther Cunningham wear shooting glasses? He’s got the yellow-tinted glasses, the headset on… did he just get off the shooting range? When I look at him, I can’t help but think he’s about to yell, “PULL!”

CourtsideTimes.Net is a brand spanking new NBA site at which I will be contributing. themightymjd.com old schoolers will remember my weekly NBA “Throwin’ Bows” column, and those will now be found at CourtsideTimes.Net. And I’m sure I’ll be linking to them constantly.

If you’re an NBA wonk, I think you’re really going to love the site. It’s got a great list of knowledgeable basketball writers who have been published in all kinds of big-time publications and are well-respected throughout the internet basketball community… and me.

Especially if you’re a stats guy, you’ll dig it heavy. You can read more about what the site aims to do here. The owner and proprieter, Mike, has put a ton of work into it already.

Anyway… that’s where my Kanye West-themed NBA season previews are located.

mjd’s Western Conference preview

and…

mjd’s Eastern Conference preview

Here’s an excerpt. I love excerpts.

“The best thing that could happen for the Blazers would be for Nate McMillan to walk onto the court on opening night, and positively beat the hell out of Zach Randolph. Just leave him laying under the basket, bloody and unconscious. And as he’s being escorted out by security, he should turn around to the rest of the team and mouth the words, ‘I am not here to screw around, boys.’ “

For the apparent purpose of ending speculation that he’s heading to the NFL, Notre Dame gave Charlie Weis a huge contract extention. I just wanted to give all the Notre Dame fans from this thread a more convenient opportunity to stop by and call me an asshole. Enjoy.

To the surprise of no one, it’s America’s favorite team at the top, Duke… and for good reason. JJ Redick and his moving poetry return on the perimeter, and Shelden Williams, who’s strong suit is not humpin’ and pumpin’, could be the nation’s best big man. And if you’ve never seen When Harry Met Sally, I’d imagine that last sentence seemed quite odd.

And the best part is, they won’t just be armed with a jumpshot or a dribble. They’ll be armed for life. Because Coach K’s is a leader who happens to coach basketball, and his life isn’t about playing games. That’s what I heard, anyway.

At #2 is UConn, despite the fact that their point guards might be felons and that the Big East coaches didn’t even pick them to win the conference. That honor went to ESPN/USA Today’s #4, Villanova, who got nine first place votes among Big East coaches, to UConn’s 7. ‘Nova returns everyone (sans Curtis Sumpter) from last year’s 24-8 Sweet Sixteen team that absolutely deserved to beat UNC in the NCAA tournament.

Staying with the Big East for a second, this has the potential to be the best basketball conference ever in a single year. Certainly, there’s no way to quantify that with any degree of certainty, but… starting the season with 5 teams in the Top 16 is a pretty decent. UConn, Nova, Louisville, West Virginia, and Syracuse.

At #3 is Texas. How much fun is it to be a student at Texas right now? It’s almost not fair. You get to see a football team with a legitimate shot at a national title, and a preseason #3 basketball team that returns maybe the best point guard in the nation in Daniel Gibson, and Brad Buckman, who is in, I believe, his 29th year as a forward for the Longhorns. Of course, the downside of being a Texas student right now is that you have to actually be in Texas.

In light of new rules that will open up British Open qualifying to women, Jean Van de Velde, intellect and social rebel that he is, wants to play in the women’s British Open.

“My whole point is where do we draw the line?” Van de Velde asked after shooting a 7-over-par 78 Thursday in the first round of the Volvo Masters. “If we accept that women can enter our tournaments, then it applies that men can play with women.”

I’m sorry, was that a 7-over par 78? I’m not sure you can play with the women, dude. Maybe you ought to spend a little less time crusading for the rights of the oppressed wealthy, white, male and more time at the sports psychologist so you don’t choke like a little bitch on those rare instances that you are in contention.

I really think it’s a noble cause he’s got here. All forms of competition should be equally open to all people. That’s what it’s all about. I think the Champions Tour is fucked up, too… why do those old bastards get their own tour? Let’s open it up to everyone, cuz it’s not fair. There’s a lot of prize money out there (not to mention the MILF and GILF groupies) that Jean Van de Velde doesn’t currently have access to. He needs to get in on that. Hey, it’s all about equal rights and fairness. Which is why I can’t wait for him to apply for the right to compete in the Special Olympics, too. EQUAL ACCESS FOR ALL!

What. a. dumbfuck. Saying, “hey, women can get on the men’s tour, so let’s get on their tour” is just about the most crude, childlike, reactionary, non-thinking, surface-dwelling, shortsighted argument that could possibly be made.

There’s a women’s tour because women cannot compete physically with men. The men’s tour isn’t even the men’s tour, it’s the best-in-the-world tour. Everyone knows that. No one tunes into the Men’s U.S. Open, or the Men’s Masters, people watch the U.S. Open and the Masters because they want to see who’s the best in the world, at that time, under those circumstances.

And I have no idea how someone could acknowledge the physical differences between men and women, and still believe that men should have a right to compete on the women’s tour. It’s even more bizarre in this case because they just opened up the qualifying to women — no one’s giving Annika Sorenstam a free pass into the British Open, they’re saying that if she can earn a spot, it’s hers. And this cock is still upset.

Well, this is odd. New rules will ban all drinking games at Yale tailgates, and Harvard will shut down all tailgates after halftime. The rules go into effect immediately, but seem to be aimed at the Harvard/Yale game on November 19th.

What’s been happening at Yale? Did some kids have too many white wine spritzers last year and forget to return their library books on time? Did some rowdy frat kids have too much Heineken and shave a quadratic equation into the Yale bulldog’s fur? Rowdy bastards, those Ivy Leaguers.

Apparently, there are universities out there where drinking at football games is not the primary reason for being at the university in the first place. I had no idea.

“Our major concern is for the health and safety of our students,” said Betty Trachtenberg, Yale dean of student affairs. “Perhaps over the years those concerns had been lost sight of.”

“We don’t want to send hordes of students to the hospital after each game. Drinking games are meant to get people drunk,” Trachtenberg said.

Yes. That they are, Betty. And here’s something you might not have known… college football games are meant to get people drunk. The students at Yale and Harvard are probably going to worm their way into major public offices one day… so I think we’re all better off if they spend more time learning how to relax and get hammered right now. In the long run, we’ll all be happier people because of it.

In what I initially thought was a minor trade in the NBA yesterday, Jumaine Jones goes from the Lakers to the Bobcats for a conditional second-round pick.

Here’s the conditional part: The 2nd-rounder is supposed to go to the Lakers in 2006. But the pick shifts to a 2007 selection if, and get this, the Bobcats finish with one of the Top 5 records in the league.

Apparently, someone in Charlotte is holding out hope that Jumaine Jones is something really special. And hey, I can’t tell you definitively that he isn’t going to turn into a werewolf with a penchant for stealing the ball from Primoz Brezec, converting finger-roll lay-ups, and doing headstands on top of Sean May’s van. I can’t promise you that that isn’t going to happen. It might.

Or it could be that Bernie Bickerstaff and Mitch Kupchak dipped into Phil Jackson’s stash and smoked about a half ounce together, and Bickerstaff said through continuous giggles, “Hey, y’know what we should write into this deal?”

That might’ve been it, too. But we’ll keep an eye on the situation.

Tra Thomas, who I’ve heard of, and Thomas Tapeh, who I haven’t, were brought into Newark High School to talk to the kids. They told school officials that the talk would focus on “values, choices and challenges that adolescents face in today’s society.”

Unbeknownst to the principal, Tra Thomas is the founder of Athletes United for Christ. He and that Tapeh fella spent their time at the school urging the kids to go to some kind of a Christian rally. Pretty clever tactic for the holy rollers, for whom the seperation of church and state is such an inconvenience.

I do somewhat understand… the Eagles absolutely should feel a sense of obligation to God after their “win” against the Chargers. If they feel that there was some kind of divine intervention there, and that they need to thank their Lord for it… well, they’re probably right.

I just don’t like how they went about it. Hey, I don’t care who Tra Thomas chooses to worship in his free time. If he invites me, I might even go to mass with him. If he’s a happier person for it, I think it’s terrific. I don’t care if he worships God, Buddha, Vishnu, Randall Cunningham, Jerry Fallwell or Andy Reid’s nipples, I really don’t. But I think using your celebrity to push religion on a group of high school students, on school time, qualifies as wrong.

“I’m just trying to get them to identify with me, the person, rather than just Tra Thomas, the football player, so we can relate to each other better,” Thomas said. “And my Christianity is a big part of what I am.”

What, are there “Get to Know Tra Thomas” days in public school? Is that an important part of the curriculum? Has the general public been clammoring for a more in-depth knowledge of Tra Thomas? The fact that he’s using this ridiculous explanation makes me believe even more strongly that he’s purposely deceiving these schools so he can get in there and spread his religious message. I find that a little bit off-putting.