This is how much I like Ron Artest. For 3 or 4 years, Ben Wallace has been my favorite NBA player. Ron Artest plays for the Pacers, the Pistons’ biggest rival, and wants to attempt to bust up Ben Wallace in a boxing match on pay-per-view… and I still love Ron Artest.

Yes, he is certifiably insane. He is fucked three ways from the weekend. But woven into all the insanity somewhere is a passionate guy with a pretty big heart. Other than his proposed pay-per-view boxing extravaganza against Big Ben, he also talks to Penthouse about his family and his charity interests.

Henry Abbot at TrueHoop doesn’t think it’d be a good fight. He says NBA players tend to be spindly, wimpy, and playgroundy. And normally, I’d agree… your average NBA fight is pretty lame. But Ben Wallace and Ron Artest? Depending on the situation, those might be the two scariest dudes in the NBA.

There are other ways in which some guys are scarier… for instance, if it’s a “my little sister is in a hotel room alone with him” kind of situation, Kobe is scarier. Or if it’s a “I think this guy wants to rape me” situation, Shaq is scarier. In a “I have to look at his face for a prolonged period of time” situation, Sam Cassell is scarier.

But in terms of a straight-up street brawl… Wallace/Artest is probably better than you’d do with any two actual heavyweight boxers. My prediction for the fight would have to be Ben Wallace via decision, just because he’s probably got a little bit of a reach/height advantage, and I don’t know if it would be possible to knock Ron Artest out. He’s the kind of guy that could have an Buick dropped on his head and he might not realize it.

The Wallace-via-decision prediction assumes, of course, that Ron Artest doesn’t flat-out lose it in the 3rd round and start attempting to chew Big Ben’s face off.

From TrueHoop, via Deadspin.

From a naval city to a sailor’s paradise, Toniu Fonoti is making the move from San Diego to Minnesota. San Diego gets a 6th or 7th round pick from Minnesota in return for the massive bulldozer of an offensive guard.

In addition, San Diego also acquired AJ Feeley, which we’ll get to in a second… but first, Fonoti.

On the surface, it doesn’t look like it makes a lot of sense for the Bolts. Fonoti is an incredibly talented lineman, capable of moving guys on just sheer strength. He’s still young, he’s still strong, he’s still got a lot of ability.

However… the past two camps, he’s shown up late and not in as good a shape as he should be. He’s been injury-prone. His last injury may have cost him his starting job. And his contract was up after the year, so… in all likelyhood, San Diego was going to see him walk after the season for nothing, anyway.

The other thing that makes me think this was a good deal for the Bolts is that they made the trade with Minnesota, and there is absolutely no chance that Minnesota is doing something right. It’s just not possible. But I guess in the worst-case scenario, if Fonoti doesn’t work out at all for the Vikings, they can always use him as an anchor.

When informed of the trade, Fonoti went out and purchased a a set of swimmies and a box of condoms.

In a seperate deal, the Chargers acquired AJ Feeley from the Dolphins which is an indication that… I dunno, they like sucky quarterbacks, apparently.

Actually, what it signifies is that the Chargers are going to be rid of either Drew Brees or Philip Rivers at the end of the year and wanted a veteran backup in place. The Chargers sent their 3rd QB, Cleo Lemon, who I will miss, to Miami as part of the deal. Feeley represents a veteran back-up, which is something that they would have been otherwise without for next year.

The picture, by the way, is of Heather Mitts, soccer stud and AJ Feeley’s significant other. The Chargers needed an upgrade there, too, as long snapper David Binn’s ex-ho, Pamela Anderson, can no longer be considered anything close to attractive. Welcome to the family, Heather.

Some of you might be interested in knowing that I finally have come up with one good reason to love baseball. Here it is: it gets Joe Buck away from the NFL for a weeks.

I know that there must be times where I come off like an arrogant bastard here, and I do apologize for that. But I don’t think I could seem like this big of a douche if I tried.

Apparently, Joe Buck writes for The Sporting News from time to time… which is somewhat apropos, since TSN itself is so completely irrelevant. Anyway, here’s the first paragraph of his latest article, with big thanks to The Sports Frog‘s Swamp:

Talk about shelf life! As I was wandering through an airport the other day I finally realized how funny one of my dad’s old jokes was. I am sure the same thing will happen to me in about 2009 when I finally chuckle at one of Larry David’s lines from that unwatchable HBO series — I think I am the only person in this hemisphere who finds nothing on that show even remotely entertaining.

Alright, that’s enough reason for me to want to fight someone right there. Alright, maybe that’s pushing it, but come on… it’s the funniest thing on TV by a pretty comfortable margin. Even my mother thinks Curb Your Enthusiasm is hilarious. Peter King thinks it’s hilarious, for God’s sake. Tell me this isn’t funny…

[Larry accidentally eats decorative manger scene cookies]
Becky: You ate the baby Jesus and his mother Mary.
Larry: I thought they were animal cookies.
Cheryl’s Dad: Animal cookies? What, are you kidding me?
Becky: Jesus Christ is not an animal.
Larry: I thought he was a monkey.
Cheryl’s Dad: A monkey? Oh, please.
Cheryl’s Mom: Larry, have you no shame?
Becky: The Son of God is not a monkey, Larry.

And the hilarious joke from Joe Buck’s dad?

One day many Octobers ago I heard my father tell someone that he had been traveling so much he had passed himself while walking through the airport terminal at Lambert Field in St. Louis.

Yeah, that’s a good one.

And that’s just the beginning. I’d quote other instances of the sheer inanity, but that would involve just cutting and pasting the entire article. Really, I’ve never read anything this pointless or just flat-out annoying. It’s actually a remarkable achievement. Here’s how it ends:

Time to stop typing. We’re about to land, and the flight attendant just gave me that look.

By the way, how is it possible that by leaving my iPod on I pose a threat to the safety of the plane?

Hard to … wait a minute … where … I thought this was the … this isn’t Chicago?! Sorry, that was so Larry David of me.

What the fuck?

I’m not happy about having to blog this… because I know that most of you will think I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure I’m right, and if any discussion ensues, it’s not likely to go anywhere productive. But I just couldn’t let it go. Stephen Jackson is going to get hammered in the media tomorrow, and I at least wanted my small little voice to be on his side.

His opinion, I’m guessing, won’t be a tremendously popular one. Talk show hosts tomorrow will spend all day making fun of Stephen Jackson… his involvement in the brawl and his pre-existing “thug” image will make him an easy target to ridicule. But there is one little thing wrong with that…

He’s right about this.

The NBA released their official dress code yesterday, and included in it is a ban on “chains, pendants or medallions worn over the player’s clothing.”

You can look at that and say, “But David Stern isn’t just banning the chains for black players, he’s banning them for everyone” And that’s true. So how is the policy racist? Because the proliferation of gold chains as a fashion statement is mainly a black cultural thing. Sure, white people wear chains, but they got the idea from somewhere else. It’s another culture that they’re emulating.

Essentially, this is a policy that is aimed at taking something away from black people. That something may not be particularly important to you, or to me, or to a large number of people of all colors. But to some people, even if it is just one little fashion statement, it is a part of the culture. Maybe not something everyone is used to, maybe not something that everyone likes, but it’s there. And there’s nothing bad or wrong about it, it’s just part of a culture that some people aren’t familiar with, and David Stern is declaring that it is unacceptable. I have a problem with that.

Said Jackson, “…it’s one thing to [enforce a] dress code and it’s another thing if you’re attacking cultures, and that’s what I think they’re doing.”

That is what they’re doing. It’s an attack on one culture, and not another. Imagine you’ve got a community that is 50% young, affluent, white Americans, and 50% Australian Aboriginies, straight from the bush. And one day, you pass a law that says no one is allowed to watch reruns of Friends. That would clearly be an anti-Whitey policy, because it affects one group, and not another. No matter the intent, that is the reality of the situation.

Jack is even OK with the dress code itself. He says he’ll wear suits. I’ll take it a step farther than he will… the whole thing looks to me like David Stern declaring that one culture is better than another. In effect, he’s saying that this group of people wears these things, this group of people wears different things, and this one group is more valid and more respectable than the other group, and he has deemed the first group unacceptable. Bugs the hell out of me.

The guys from Deadspin.com took a field trip to a taping of Quite Frankly the other day, and were kind enough to file a report on the experience. Will even got on the air with his appropriately lame question about how the Rams will react with Mike Martz not being on the sidelines.

It’s a quality read… especially the parts about just how unnatural and uncomfortable Stephen A. really is in front of a camera:

The “3 & Out” segment that starts the show – in which Smith screams angrily into the camera about the news of the day – took three reshoots while we were there, and they weren’t just of the “flub” variety; he took different approaches each time, like he was still feeling out the process. It was, at times, uncomfortable to watch.

Here it be.