A group of Miami football players, in particular those who live on the 7th floor of Mahoney Residential College, recorded a rap song last year. Somehow, it didn’t get a lot of play on mainstream radio stations… and as you might imagine, it is a little bit of a departure from the 1985 Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle. Just for comparison’s sake, here’s Walter Payton’s Super Bowl Shuffle verse:

Well, they call me Sweetness,
And I like to dance.
Runnin’ the ball is like makin’ romance.
We’ve had the goal since training camp
To give Chicago a Super Bowl Champ.
And we’re not doin’ this
Because we’re greedy.
The Bears are doin’ it to feed the needy.
We didn’t come here to look for trouble,
We just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle.

And here’s Tavares Gooden’s verse:

If your ho the one gettin’ fucked on the 7th flo’
Then you would know, cuz the bitch don’t want you no mo’
She’d tell you she met a guy who was nice and candid
I think they call him T-Good, or the “big dick bandit”
Say he had a big dick, but I thought it was random
Then he pull out the fuckin’ Magnum trojan condom
And he said, “Baby, that’s not how it begin,”
Then he brought in all of his 7th flo’ friends
She found out there was more to Miami than just a football team
There’s also the 7th floor King Ding-a-Ling
She thought 5-2 was just my number, then she realized
You multiply the bitch up, then you get my dick size
First I put it in the pussy, then in the butt
That’s all full, dog, the condom is filled up

I’m glad he threw in the part at the end about safe sex. I mean, without that, the song seems kinda dirty. In case the differences aren’t clear yet, here’s Otis Wilsons 1985 verse:

I’m mama’s boy Otis, one of a kind.
The ladies all love me
For my body and my mind.
I’m slick on the floor as I can be
But ain’t no sucker gonna get past me.
Some guys are jealous
Of my style and class,
That’s why some end up on their -,
I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble,
I just get down to The Super Bowl Shuffle.

And a couple of more gems from Coral Gables, from anonymous players, but I’m sure someone can figure it out…

What’s ya name? (Dub C)
Whatchya do? (Trick or treat)
How ya do it? (Check the bag and find my wee-wee)
TRUE!
We the boys from that Penthouse suite, slangin’ that dick
If you ain’t ’bout the train, then fuck you, bitch
Cuz my boys gotta hit, too
Bend over and get tattooed by the boys from the 7th floor crew
You came a good girl, but you leavin’ a ho
You wonder why they call me Thundercat, but now you know
If the pussy’s nice and wet, you can believe I’mma fuck it
Oh, that’s it, baby… suck it, suck it.

Chillin’ on the 7th flo’, I gotta let these chickens know
Big Greg is in the house, and I’m fittin’ to make these hoes choke
On my balls, on my dick, then I bust a nut, quick
On her face, on her chest, stick my dick between her breasts
Come on, fellas, let’s get weird, stick ya dick up in her ear
While I’m laughin’ at these guys, a second nut all in her eyes

I could go on. It’s a 9-minute song. But by now, you’re probably starting to grasp some of the subtle differences. The Bears song was about football. The Hurricanes song is about gangbags. The chorus goes:

If your ho only know
That she was gettin’ fucked on the 7th flo’
If that bitch only knew
That she was gettin’ muddied by the whole damn crew.

You know, I find myself feeling strangely fond of this story. I love college football, I love the hip-hop music, and I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before to any of you guys… but I love gangbangs. It’s just a part of who I am. I’ve always been kind of a closet fan of the Hurricanes, and I wasn’t sure why, but now I know. We have developed a deeper, spiritual bond, achieved by a common appreciation for 7-on-1 sexual encounters.

I just can’t get mad at this. I like it. I admire it. I mean, I don’t admire the deviant sexual activity, but I just admire the nerve it takes to be so brazenly wrong and unapologetic. I also admire the loyalty to one’s friends. Never once have I thought to myself, “If I’m lucky enough to score here, I’ve gotta make sure that Danks hits it, too.” I’m not that good a friend. I guess that’s why these guys make such a cohesive team. It’s admirable. In fact, if I’m lucky enough to be married someday, and my wife tells me one day, “Hey, honey, um… I did the 7th Floor Crew”… I couldn’t even be mad about it. I love Miami. Go Hurricanes, baby. Hell, I think ABC should hire these guys to replace Tim McGraw on Monday Night Football. While Tim is coming up with rhymes like “we” and “tree”, you’ve got Dub-C up there rhyming “Dub-C,” “trick or treat,” and “wee-wee.” That is creative genius.

Anyway, if you’re Larry Coker, how do you handle this? You can’t make any kind of an official reprimand, because you don’t want to call attention to it. If he leaves it alone, it probably only gets noticed on sites like this one, and it dies before ever even having lived. If he’s going to say anything about it at all, I’d imagine it would have to be in a private office conversation like this one:

Coach Coker: You know, I really think it’s a bad idea to record rap songs about gangbangs.
Anonymous Player: You don’t like my rappin’, coach?
Coach Coker: Well, I didn’t say that, son, I think you have tremendous flow.
Anonymous Player: (big smile)
Coach Coker: But I think you should stop recording rap songs about gangbangs.
Anonymous Player: Okay. Hey coach?
Coach Coker: Yes?
Anonymous Player: Is it OK if we still have the gangbangs?
Coach Coker: Well, I wouldn’t say it’s– Well– I don’t– You know– Ah, fuck it… go ahead.
Anonymous Player: Thanks, coach. And while I’m here, I wanna thank you for giving me a jersey number that is easily multiplied to match my dick size.
Coach Coker: You’re welcome, son.
Anonymous Player: Coach, do you have any daughters?
Coach Coker: I think you should leave now.

Link comes from Miamity, via Deadspin. I can’t possibly thank either of you enough.