Kobe Bryant, proving that he has an obvious major disconnect between reality and what happens in his own mind, is appealing his 2-game suspension for blasting Mike Miller with an elbow to the throat.

Kobe says he would’ve done the same thing to anyone who came down the lane, and he hasn’t told that outrageous a lie since Pamela Mackey left his side. “When someone comes down the lane, you check him,” he said. Check him? If you mean ‘check’, as in, ‘defend’, then sure. If you mean ‘check’ like you think you’re Stu Grimson, then no, you don’t check him.

I’m a big believer in innocent until proven guilty, but with each passing day, Kobe Bryant makes it clear that he is a man without character, and he is very much capable of, in fact he seems to enjoy, telling lies. The next him he’s accused of something, be it arson, carjacking, shoplifting, breaking and entering, sexual assault with a concrete dildo, or being the second gunman on the grassy knoll, I’m going to feel 100% confident in assuming that the cocksucker did it.

Anyway, I wish I was the NBA official who got to hear his appeal. Here’s about how it should go:

Kobe: I’d like to appeal the 2-game suspension.
NBA Guy: Really?
Kobe: Yes.
NBA Guy: You’re not fucking serious. I know you aren’t serious.
Kobe: I’m serious, sir.
NBA Guy: Get the fuck out of here. This is your last chance to tell me that you’re just fucking around.
Kobe: I’m serious, sir.
NBA Guy: Alright, man, fine. I’ll hear your appeal.
Kobe: Well, you see, sir… Mike Miller hit me with this elbow, so later I decided–
NBA Guy: TEN GAMES, BITCH. *bangs gavel* Now get the fuck out of my office.

Ed Lorenz, at the ripe old age of 69, bowled a perfect game on Wednesday. I’d congratulate him, but he’s dead.

He passed away in the fifth frame of his very next game, and the Kalamazoo Metro Bowling Association Hall of Fame lost a great one. It was Ed’s third perfect game, and in the fifth frame of his next game, he went down with chest pains, and did not get up. Ouch.

I don’t mean to make light of the man’s death. But not many people get to go out better than that… At the age of 69, dude was still carrying a 223 average, so clearly, bowling meant something to him. If a guy’s gotta go, doing it after a perfect game has to be pretty high on the list of ways to bow out. So congratulations on the perfect game, Ed… and, you know… sorry you’re dead. Rest in peace.

David Aldridge reported before Heat/Pistons game on TNT that after Kobe destroyed a nearby television monitor and a surrounding light fixture following a loss to the Grizzlies, he also physically went after Lamar Odom. The two had to be physically seperated, which was probably not too difficult, since they’re both, kinda, you know… pussies. DA says it was a culmination of weeks and weeks of frustration with Odom and his lackadasical attitude, not paying attention in huddles, etc.

Between this and the Mike Miller thing, I guess Kobe has a violent streak. Hm. I can’t think of one single thing that’s happened in his past that suggests that he may be prone to violent activities. Weird. Just be careful, Jannero Pargo. Kobe seemed so much sweeter in that McDonalds commercial, when he was playing basketball with those cute little kids. I bet he murdered them and ate their bodies for strength.

Actually, I’m not going to hammer Kobe too much for going after Lamar Odom. The attitude that reportedly inspired Kobe to throw hands is one that would drive me nuts as a teammate. If a guy is constantly out of position, if he isn’t busting his ass on defense, if he isn’t paying attention in the huddle, fine. Get in his grill. I’m not advocating punching him in the face or anything, but you can get in his grill.

I’m concerned about the frequent violent outbursts from Kobe, though. This may not be breaking any new ground, but… Kobe doesn’t seem like the happiest, most well-adjusted guy. There’s quite a bit of serious anger bubbling right below the mildly angry surface. I’m not making any kind of a prediction or anything, but if I’m Vanessa Bryant, I’d think twice before letting any waiters in the LA area return my glasses to my home.

I hadn’t heard about this… perhaps it’s old news, but it slipped past me. Before last year’s Las Vegas Bowl, which was to be contested between UCLA and Wyoming, a couple of UCLA players showed up for a team meeting not only shitfaced, but puking, right there in front of their coaches and teammates.

I think it takes a tremendous set of balls to show up at a team meeting hammered. I mean, hungover is one thing. That’s understandable. Young guys, in Vegas, evenings to themselves… sure. Have a few. But showing up to a team meeting still at the puking stage? You’ve got problems. What kind of a fuckhead does that? Did UCLA hire Vin Baker as team nutritionist?

“Coach Dorrell and all the players have the (bowl prep) system down now,” senior inside linebacker Spencer Havner said. “There’s less drama this year. It’s more like a template this year, and everybody has bought into it.”

I like that template. I think it’s a good one. It goes something like, “Stay sober in the daytime.” It’s a tried and true method to bowl game success. Congratulations on getting that one down, Bruins.

UCLA plays Northwestern in the Vitalis Sun Bowl on December 30th.

And you know, I think Joe Horn’s got a point. Despite the fact that he aided the collapse of my fantasy team down the stretch this year, I still love Joe Horn, and I think he’s right about this.

The league fined Joe $30,000 for having a cell phone on the field… and Jim Mora did the same thing this weekend. Late in the Falcons game this weekend, Mora got on a cell phone to see what he could find out about how a tie would affect the Falcons’ playoff chances. Maybe Mora had an actual reason for his call, maybe Horn didn’t, but still… rules are rules. If Mora gets less, I need a good explanation as to why.

I don’t remember exactly what the league said when they rang Joe up for $30,000. I don’t know if all $30 Gs were for the cell phone, or some other violations were involved… I don’t recall. It may have been $10,000 for the cell phone, and $20,000 for an exceedingly lame touchdown celebration. But whatever Horn got for the phone, I agree, Mora should get at least that, if not more… coaches should know better. If he didn’t know what a tie did for his team, that’s on him; he is the head coach, after all.

“I want $30,000,” said Horn. “I’m not trying to player-hate coach Mora, but it shouldn’t be a double-standard league. A player gets fined, then a coach should get fined under any circumstances.

I am player-hating coach Mora. Like my boys Silky Johnson and Buc Nasty, I will player-hate a motherfucker all day long. In fact, someone should go and put some water in Jim Mora’s mama’s bowl.

I think Paul Tagliabue better just fine him… I mean, Joe Horn’s pissed off at Tags enough, as it is. Joe was mad when they gave the Giants another home game, and he’s been mad when Tags has pretty much ignored the Saints all season long. If Jim Mora skates on this, Horn may burn Tagliabue’s house down.

In the 3rd quarter of the Lakers/Grizzlies game last night, Mike Miller went to the rack, and in the process, hit Kobe Bryant with an obviously unintentional elbow, opening up a cut above Kobe’s eye and rupturing one of his fallopian tubes.

Kobe left the game, got stitched up, and came back. Later in the game, Miller’s driving through the lane, and Kobe just blatantly shoves an elbow into Miller’s throat.

That’s Kobe Bryant trying to show the world he’s tough. I’m sure he wasn’t even mad at Miller… there’s no way he could’ve been, as the original elbow was so clearly unintentional. But he had it in his head that he needed to show the world that hey, Kobe Bryant is a tough, tough man. So he threw some little bitch elbow.

Contact happens in basketball sometimes. Even 4th graders know that from time to time, you’re going to catch an inadvertent elbow, a forearm, or something. You can’t react like a petulant child everytime someone touches you… especially if it’s Mike Miller, who’s about as threatening as Lil’ Ronnie.

Oh, what I wouldn’t give for Charles Oakley and Anthony Mason to have been Memphis Grizzlies last night.

Eh, maybe just a touch early for one of these things, but hey… nothing about fantasy football has ever been rational or dignified, so fuck it, why not? Let’s have a 2006 mock draft before 2005 is over, because that makes a lot of sense. There’s column space to fill, and you can be assured that dorks like me will read it. Perhaps I’ll even argue with it, which is very useful and relevant.

This guy has Larry Johnson going #1 overall, Shaun Alexander #2, and LaDainian Tomlinson #3. The only non-RB to crack the first round was Terrell Owens… in fact, there are three wide receivers chosen ahead of Steve Smith, which I find odd, since he was such a stud this year.

Donovan McNabb also cracks the top 36.

35. Donovan McNabb, QB, Philadelphia: McNabb could fall into the fourth or fifth round if the Eagles don’t add an impact wide reveiver, but at this point he’s still worth the 35th overall selection.

At this point? Hey, at this point, Vinny Testaverde is worth the 35th overall selection, because none of this makes any fucking sense to begin with. You can stick Ron Dayne in there if you want to, and I can’t argue too much, because, you know, it’s December.

Blatantly stolen from the day-in, day-out awesome Deadspin.com is this picture of a sign that was held up at the Browns/Steelers professional football contest this weekend. Pretty solid effort from the female Browns fan… that’s a sign with a real chance to embarrass someone. I tip my cap.

I just wish Ben Roethlisberger would’ve flagged down an equipment manager, got some posterboard and a Sharpie and made a sign that said, “I RECENTLY FUCKED NATALIE GULBIS, WHICH, NO OFFENSE, BUT I THINK YOU’D HAVE TO AGREE, IS A BIT OF AN UPGRADE. SO LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU SAD, SAD, HOOKER.”

Jeff Burns, defensive end for Boston College, skipped out on a court date for a drunk driving charge so he could go play on the blue turf of the MPC Computers Bowl. And perhaps even worse, BC head coach Tom O’Brien knows about it, and Burns is still going to be dressing for the game.

Just to recap: Guy gets hammered, gets behind the wall, drives into a wall, and voluntarily skips the court date for which he agreed to appear, and neglects to tell his coaches about it. Head coach Tom O’Brien finds out and is pretty much OK with it, allowing Burns to be in uniform for the game, but not playing, which makes it a lot like every other game for him.

Oh, okay. That sounds good.

Listen, I’m all for second chances. People make mistakes all the time… I’m not asking for him to be thrown into a cell with Rae Carruth. But hey… if you get shitfaced and drive your car into a wall, there are consequences. I’m really sorry that you were about to miss out on the sweet MPC Computers Bowl gift package, but you got shitfaced and slammed your car into a wall, fuckhead. Something like that should carry consequences, should it not?