Peyton Manning and Kenny Chesney wrote a song together. My man Anonymous pointed it out here. Perhaps you know about this… perhaps this is old news to you. But it has escaped me… and I was overjoyed to learn that in 1994, Peyton Manning and Kenny Chesney collaborated and wrote “Whatever It Takes.”

When Anonymous linked me to these lyrics, and I saw them listed as co-writers, I showed it to a friend, and he thought it might be a ruse. But it’s not. Or, at least, if it is, the ruse is also here, and here.

It’s a love song, this creation by Kenny and Peyton. Here is a sampling…

Well, I’ve been drawing little hearts in the morning paper
Lookin’ for a house an’ a couple of acres
You’ll be mine some time, sooner or later and I can’t wait.

Like a busy ol’ bee savin’ up it’s honey
Honey I’m savin’ up all my money
To have you I’ll do anything I have to,
Whatever it takes.

Whatever it takes to win your love
I’ll hire me an airplane,
Have it paint your name up in the sky above
I’ll tell the world I’m yours,
Put it on a billboard out on the interstate
If it takes forever to get us together
Honey, I’ll do whatever it takes.

Ahem. Listen, I can’t prove anything. In fact, I don’t want to. The rumor itself makes me happier than I have any right to be. I don’t know who’s gay, and who isn’t. But all I’m saying is that if I sat down with my homeboy Danks and we decided to write a song… it’s probably not going to be a sappy love song. I just don’t think it would come up. It’s just not how we roll. The song would end up being about watching Chuck Wepner get punched in the face or something.

For example… Tavares Gooden and his friends write a song, and the subject matter is pretty specific. When T-Good, T-Buck, Dub-C, and Marvelous get together to hone their musical craft, they talk about the the activities they share that bring them closer together. They write about the things they share in their daily lives. Like jamming their erect penises into women’s ears.

Peyton and Kenny get together to write a song, and it’s the same thing. They write about the things they share in their daily life, and if that happens to be sharing sweet, passionate, man-love (and it IS), then so be it. I think they should re-record the song, with the lyrics as they’d really like for them to be…

Well, I’ve been drawling little hearts in your playbook
When you get drafted, they’ll say, “You’re gay, rook.”
I’m achin’ for ya, Peyton… and I’m so glad you ain’t a straight one

Like a handsome QB, callin’ out the plays
Can’t wait to get you you home and in your PJ’s
Forget about Plummer, yours is bigger than Jake’s
For you, 18, I’ll do whatever it takes
(Eli yelling in the background) For that trouser snake!

Whatever it takes to be your center
When it comes to gay sex, I think we’re the inventors
I’ll bend over, and you can take the snap
I’m tested, I’m clean, you won’t get the clap
I’ll blow you, honey like candles on a birthday cake
For you, 18, I’ll do whatever it takes
(Eli yelling in the background) For that trouser snake!

That’s a hit right there.

You know what else just occurred to me? What if Peyton has certain Doug Christie-esque hand signals that he gives to Chesney during games? What if, when he’s spending all day barking out signals at the line of scrimmage, he isn’t calling an audible, but signalling to Kenny?

“I–TWENTY SIX… WANNA DO–FIFTY-FOUR… CHES-NEY… Z-RIGHT, HOT-FOURTEEN… STRAIGHT UP THE PIPE, BABY. HUT. HUT.”