Archive for January, 2006

January31

LeBron agrees to participate in Skills Challenge

By: the mighty mjd

I'm pretty sure that Lisa Leslie could kick Magic Johnson's ass.Declining an invitation to participate in the dunk contest, LeBron James instead opted in for the Skills Challenge… and while it is disappointing that LeBron won’t be dunking, the real sad news here is that no one in the NBA has realized that the All-Star Skills Challenge sucks hairy giraffe balls.

Here’s what this means: You’ll get to see LeBron jog half-speed through a few cones, throw basketballs through little targets, maybe hit a jumper and maybe do a somersault or something. Exciting, isn’t it?

I know I bitch about this every year, but man… the NBA does some horrifically sucky things during the All-Star events. The Skills Challenge is about equal in entertainment quality to watching Lenny Wilkens get a prostate exam. And I’m sure there will be some damn event in which Magic Johnson, Lisa Leslie, and some non-Kobe Laker – probably Luke Walton, with an outside shot at Smush Parker – collaborate on some competition that not even their parents give a fuck about.

More on this later, I’m sure.

Posted in: NBA8 comments

January31

Super Bowl cancelled because it bores Skip Bayless

By: the mighty mjd

Douche.Check out Skip’s latest Page 2 offering.  Actually, I think it may have been written by my mother, but Skip’s name appears in the byline.

How can these teams ever generate enough star power to live up to the telecast’s Oscar-worthy commercials?

No Peyton or Brady or Vick or buzz.

No rivalry or bad blood or controversy or buzz.

Only zzz.

Skip, if you like buzz… watch E!’s red carpet show or something. You like the commercials, Big Skip? Then you can go watch the game with my mother. You two can ignore the game, chat about Desperate Housewives, and then when the commercials come on, you can act like you’re seeing the moon landing.

Would [the Steelers] have finished off the season’s most shocking upset, in Indianapolis, if Colts cornerback Nick Harper hadn’t weaved back into a sprawling ankle tackle by Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger? No.

As if Roethlisberger’s tackle of Nick Harper was the play on which that game turned. Like Bettis’s fumble was completely characteristic. Like the Troy Polamalu interception call was completely normal and happenstance.

Would the Steelers have won in Denver if an early poor pass by Roethlisberger had been picked off in the flat by Champ Bailey and returned for a stadium-rocking touchdown? Probably not.

Well, that’s great and all… except, you know, that didn’t happen. If Champ Bailey was a better player, Champ Bailey would be a better player, and Denver would be a better team. But they aren’t, they didn’t make plays, Pittsburgh did, and Denver lost.

Would the Seahawks have risen from 2-2 to home-field playoff advantage if Terrell Owens hadn’t torn apart the Eagles? If Michael Vick hadn’t regressed?

Again… these things happened, and are part of the reason that Seattle was the best team in the NFC. I don’t get your point, Skip. It’s like you’re asking, “Hey, if all these things didn’t happen that made Seattle the best team in the NFC, would Seattle be the best team in the NFC? Hey, if Matt Hasselbeck woke up this morning and shoved a pineapple into his ass, wouldn’t he walk a little bit funny? And if Shaun Alexander decided at age 11 to become a ballerina, would he be in the Super Bowl right now? No. He wouldn’t. And that’s why this Super Bowl sucks.”

Strictly from a football standpoint, this matchup is pretty intriguing.

So, a professional sportwriter says that the game, from a football standpoint, is intriguing. And also that it bores him. Why are you a sportswriter then? Go host Talk Soup or something.

I usually defend you, Skip. But this… you sound like any of the millions of 45-year-old women who are going to be at “Super Bowl parties” because they want to see the commercials. Weak.

Posted in: Media, NFL, Uncategorized22 comments

January30

I am not inviting Chris Henry to my Super Bowl party

By: the mighty mjd

His braids photograph well. Of course, that might not be the case six months into his stretch...Bengals WR Chris Henry has been arrested in Orlando, Florida for various things… none of which reflect particularly well on his character, but they do enhance his reputation as a straight-up gangsta… so, you know, it’s not all bad news for him.

According to the police report, which you can find here, Chris Henry was hanging out in Orlando with a group of people. His group of people looked to be ready to fight another group of people when Chris Henry pulled a gun from his waistband and then pointed it at someone from the other group. Police officers saw him do it, and told him to freeze and drop the weapon. Chris Henry then threw the gun, a 9mm Luger containing 8 hollow points, into the back of a nearby limo.

He’s been charged with possession of a concealed firearm, improper exhibition of a firearm, and aggravated assault with a firearm. He denies having the gun, as does everyone else who was interviewed at the scene. At the bottom of the police report, it says the gun was listed as stolen on 12/16/05.

And in his mugshot there… doesn’t it kinda look like he’s wearing a Bengals jersey? I mean, I can’t be sure, but… it’s black, it’s got an orange collar, it’s a shiny type of material… is Chris Henry wearing his own jersey while pulling guns out of his waistband right before his posse is about to rumble? I thought the NFL made it clear in their rookie symposiums that you never wear your own jersey if you’re going pull a gun out of your waistband right before your posse is about to rumble. Come on. Just listen.

He was doing so well, too. He had a great rookie year with the Bengals, he has the potential to develop into at least a very good #2 receiver…. but keeping it real has, once again, gone wrong.

Posted in: Criminality, NFL10 comments

January30

Backdoor Cuts – 01/30/06

By: the mighty mjd

• Hey, here’s a pretty healthy view of Serena Williams’ ass crack. You know, just in case you were wondering if you’d get a chance to see it today. My compliments to the fine folks at The Airing of Grievances.

• Cuttino Mobley apparently does not trust our nation’s banking system. Thieves broke into his Bel-Air home (just down the street from Uncle Phil, Aunt Vivian, and Geoffrey), and stole, among other things, $500,000 in cash. Damn. Find your way to a bank, fella. Or give ADT a call and hook up a security system. Or, at the very least, see if Qyntel Woods has a dog he can sell you.

• Let’s give it up for the little guys: Northern Iowa has cracked the men’s Top 25 for the first time, and George Washington has poked their head into the Top 10. Georgetown also finally gets the nod into the Coaches poll, debuting at 22. Michigan, after a pretty decent week, beating Michigan State and Wisconsin, jumps in at #20.

• Today’s worthless bit of Super Bowl news: QBs who’s last names have the highest scrabble value at 6-1 in the playoffs this year (at least according to the article… by my count, there have been 10 playoff games so far). Anyway, the Super Bowl matchup is a clash of titans, between Hasselbeck and Roethlisberger. The winner, in an upset… Matt Hasselbeck.

• With thanks to Deadspin for the link, Outsports.com presents a Very Gay Guide to the Super Bowl, including Seattle’s support from the gay community, and the obligatory mention of Kordell “Adam and Steve” Stewart. Also, you can find a list of terms that the NFL won’t allow you to have on the back of your jersey, such as “COCKCOWBOY,” “CROTCH JOCKEY,” and “CUM QUEEN.” As a huge fan of profanity and most things juvenile… this list just makes me so happy. I can’t believe the NFL won’t let you put “MAN PASTE” on the back of a jersey. When I make it to the NFL, I’m changing my last name to “MAN PASTE” just so they have to reconsider.

Posted in: Backdoor Cuts, Uncategorized10 comments

January30

Tony Kornheiser is taking over ESPN

By: the mighty mjd

Wilbon is hairy.Al Michaels has signed on to be the play-by-play guy for Monday Night Football on ESPN. Various reports have him reconsidering and trying to get out of his contract, so that he can be a part of NBC’s Sunday Night Football game. And if he does manage to weasel his way over to NBC… prepare for Tony Kornheiser.

ESPN would, according to today’s New York Post, opt for a 3-man booth of Mike Tirico, Joe Theisman, and Tony Kornheiser. Or, Mike Tirico and two guys who would gladly pay to give Joe Gibbs a reacharound.

I like Tony Kornheiser. I think he’s a funny, well-informed, interesting personality. But he’s not, you know… a football expert. That’s kinda what I would prefer. I’m funny like that… I want guys who really know football to be the ones talking about football on television. It’s just a weird little quirk of mine.

But if we’re giving up on the idea of anyone actually providing expert in-depth commentary, and clearly, we are… then sure, I’ll take Kornheiser. It’s certainly a step up from Rush Limbaugh and Dennis Miller, but it’s a step in that same “entertainment in lieu of analysis” direction. But at least they’re not making offers to Ray Romano or something.

Posted in: ESPN, Media, NFL28 comments

January30

Garnett & McHale are not getting along

By: the mighty mjd

Really, he's kinda like a whiter, taller, Isiah Thomas.After a couple of lackluster Timberwolf performances, Kevin McHale, Wolves GM, took it upon himself to storm into the locker room and berate the players himself. McHale said the team didn’t finish strong, they weren’t aggressive enough, and that they played scared.

Kevin Garnett felt like the diatribe was aimed mainly at him. So he responded. “I ain’t fuckin’ playin’ scared. I ain’t fuckin’ playin’ to lose. I ain’t fuckin’ puttin’ my head down. I’m fuckin’ tryin’ as hard as I can every night.”

And then he topped it with, “If you don’t like how I’m playing, get me the fuck out of here. Trade my ass.”

It’s tough to blame Garnett on this one. I’ve been critical of him before, but the Timberwolves are just a terribly built team, he does play his ass off, and any bitching that Kevin McHale does about the team that isn’t aimed at a mirror is misguided.  Also, I love the repeated use of the word fuck.  Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I think it’s rarely a good idea for a GM to come storming into a locker room to deliver lectures. If you want to coach, Kevin McHale, coach. But if you don’t want to coach, if you can’t handle the pressures that go along with it, then stay out.

If you’re going to come into that room and bitch at Kevin Garnett, then you should be pretty sure that you’re doing your own job as well as you can. And for a guy who just traded about every asset he had to acquire Ricky Davis, I’m not sure that Kevin McHale is in any kind of position to bitch at anyone else.

Posted in: NBA9 comments

January30

Lawrence Taylor, Charles Oakley, and Michael Jordan

By: the mighty mjd

Basketball's Suge KnightA little note here from the Miami Herald…

People are buzzing about Lawrence Taylor’s bizarre behavior at Prime 112 last week. He reached for a bottle from the wrong table, approached Michael Jordan’s table and loudly yelled, ”Ladies and gentleman, Michael Jordan!” An embarrassed Jordan put his head in his hands. Charles Oakley tried to settle down L.T.

When Charles Oakley is the guy settling you down… it’s bad on multiple levels. 1) Oak is usually the craziest guy in the room, so if he’s the voice of reason, you’re probably way, way, out of control, and 2) if you don’t settle down to his liking, he may just kill you.

Though I must admit, the prospect of a Lawrence Taylor vs. Charles Oakley fight is intriguing, and would be absolutely worth buying on pay-per-view. It’s hard to pick a favorite. LT’s stronger, but Oak is taller and has the obvious reach advantage. Oakley would also have some extra motivation because Jordan would immediately wager a couple hundred thousand on him. The big X-factor is the amount of crack coursing through LT’s veins at that particular moment.

If he’s in the midst of a “Let’s go out there like a bunch of wild dogs!” high, then he’s got to be considered nearly unbeatable. I mean, you could probably pound him in the face with a hammer for an hour and a half, and he wouldn’t feel it. But if he’s in his “crying on 60 Minutes” mode, then Oakley would take him out like he was Jeff McInnis.

Posted in: Charles Oakley, NBA6 comments

January30

How awesome is Roger Federer?

By: the mighty mjd

Authentic, emotional, crying. Unlike the type done by Peyton Manning.Leaving his dominance aside for a minute… Roger Federer has now won seven grand slams. And he’s still getting nervous before his matches, and he’s still crying when he wins them. It all still moves him, he doesn’t take his success for granted, and I think that’s a cool, cool thing. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of another athlete who has achieved similar dominance who was still displaying such emotion at that point in his career.

So he’s halfway to Pete Sampras’s record of 14 slam titles, and he got there at the same age Pete did. And you know, I’m no Mary Carillo, but it seems like Federer doesn’t have the same quality of competition that Sampras had. Maybe the fields are deeper now throughout the entire field, but there’s not the same level of competition at the top. It won’t be as hard for him as it was for Sampras. Depending on his health, it almost seems like 8 more majors should be a lock for the guy.

Posted in: Tennis3 comments

January27

Ouch.

By: the mighty mjd

Wrong.  Funny… but wrong.

Posted in: NBA5 comments

January27

Backdoor Cuts – 01/27/06

By: the mighty mjd

• Sean Taylor is facing up to 46 years in prison on some aggravated assault charges. They stem from an incident back in June where Taylor’s accused of threatening three people with a gun in an armed confrontation about an ATV, which is weird enough as it is. But as his lawyer points out, the state has had the case since June, and they just now came up with these additional charges. What? Anyway, I don’t know what the odds are of him doing any real time, being a celebrity athlete and all, but 46 years kinda grabs your attention. If he’s doing that kind of time, someone spitting all over his face will be the least of his worries.

• Today’s positively worthless bit of Super Bowl news: The town of Washington, Pennsylvania has temporarily renamed itself “Steeler, Pa.” Clever, guys. Real clever. Bonus worthlessness: This article is about how the Super Bowl is shown in other countries. Ooooh, now that’s a hot lead.

• A random dude named Marc Stern, back in 1962 had tickets to a Philadelphia Warriors/New York Knicks game. A professor of his schedules an exam, and he gives his tickets away. In that game he missed, Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points. Fast forward 44 years. Same guy is a Lakers season ticket holder. He opts to attend a birthday party instead of going to a Raptors/Lakers game… and Kobe scores 81 points. This poor fuck had tickets to both legendary performances, and ended up giving them away both times. God does not like him.

• For someone who seems to dislike the media, Bode Miller is awfully quick to accept their assertions that Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong are using steroids. “Barry Bonds and those guys are just knowingly cheating, but there’s all sorts of loopholes. If you say it has to be ‘knowingly,’ you do what Lance and all those guys do, where every morning their doctor gives them a box of pills and they don’t ask anything, they just take the pills.” I don’t know much about the career of Bode Miller, but nobody likes a snitch, pal.

• On comments: I shouldn’t even tell you this, I should just do it, but… here’s how it’s going to work. I’m going to delete anything I feel like is going to lead down a bad path. I mean, anything. I don’t even need a reason. Star Wars stories, name calling, insults, anything childish, or even just something I don’t like. I can’t stress it enough… I don’t need a reason. That’s just the way it’s going to be.

I know it’s a little bit Mussolini-ish on my part, but… I’ve put to much time and effort into this thing for it to go down the paths it was going. I’m not going to let it happen. So, I’m probably not going to get everything exactly right on what I allow and don’t allow, so be prepared for it. I’ll make mistakes, and I’m going to err on the side of deleting too much as opposed to too little… it’s sometimes hard to draw the line between something I disagree with, and something that’s just destructive. I’ll fuck it up from time to time. But damn it, we will be civil, we will have decent conversations, we will act like adults, and and a week from now, we’re all going to be holding hands and signing motherfucking kumbaya.

Posted in: Backdoor Cuts17 comments

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