It’s nothing quite as scandalous as a double-ended dildo, I’m sorry to say, but it is amusingly juvenile and stupid.

The St. Paul Pioneer Press reports that Fred Smoot didn’t play last Sunday because he violated a team curfew on New Year’s Eve. And this is my favorite part… Smoot reportedly stuffed some pillows under his blanket to make it look like he was there in bed.

That is awesome, Fred Smoot. Who are you, Ferris fucking Bueller? Were you out on New Year’s Eve, partying with Cameron and Sloane? Did Principal Rooney perform the bedcheck?

Can you imagine being the Vikings employee who found the pillows? He had to take one look at the set-up and say to himself, “You have got to be fucking kidding me.” I love the fact that an adult tried that. I guess he really wanted to get out and see that Stuart Scott New Year’s Eve show.

Come on, Fred… you’re an adult. No one is falling for the pillows-under-the-blanket trick anymore. You’re a grown man, you’ve got decisions to make, and you want the Vikings to bring you back next year… but if you still want to break your employer’s rules because you want to go out and party, fine. But please be a man and just do it… skip the pillows-under-the-bed trick, because we’re not in 8th grade anymore.