Archive for February 1st, 2006

February1

Ben Roethlisberger and Tom Brady share a lot

By: the mighty mjd

After Tom Brady admitted that he surfed the internet for porn, Ben Roethlisberger comes clean in the Washington Post yesterday about the fact that he finds women on the Internet.

And after a lot of research, I was unable to find this unedited dialogue that took place between Ben and Tom in a Yahoo! Alternate Lifestyles chat room. Please be advised that it is graphic and disturbing.

bigben7: hey what’s up
patsprettytommy: nothing
bigben7: i’m a lesbian
patsprettytommy: me too
bigben7: if you’re a lesbian why does your name say tommy?
patsprettytommy: ummm it’s short for tommelina its a canadian name
bigben7: sweet just like celine dion i have all her albums
patsprettytommy: hey whys your name ben if you’re a lesbian?
bigben7: shut up
patsprettytommy: okay
bigben7: i think you should probably send me a picture of yourself
patsprettytommy: ok here it is

bigben7: damn you look like bridget moynihan
patsprettytommy: thanks
bigben7: whos that guy that got cut out?
patsprettytommy: just some guy who’s awesome and better than peyton manning
bigben7: lol u like football? whos your favorite team
patsprettytommy: patriots
bigben7: u suck i like the steelers
patsprettytommy: patriots rule!
bigben7: at least my team doesnt have a gay quarterback
patsprettytommy: thats really not nice and its not true because tom brady is awesome
bigben7: alright im sorry lets get naked
patsprettytommy: lol r u hot?
bigben7: yeah i have big titties
patsprettytommy: are you shaved?
bigben7: i haven’t shaved since we beat the bears
patsprettytommy: what?!
bigben7: in volleyball! we beat the bears in volleyball. i’m on the girls volleyball team and i have a nice ass
patsprettytommy: oh. ok. cool.
bigben7: i know you’re pretty cuz it says in your name you’re pretty
patsprettytommy: lol ur sweet how tall r u?
bigben7: 6-5
patsprettytommy: jesus!
bigben7: yeah i’m a huge lesbian
patsprettytommy: i guess so
bigben7: take your clothes off
patsprettytommy: they’re off
bigben7: are you all hot and wet
patsprettytommy: yes are you?
bigben7: yes
patsprettytommy: mmmm yes
bigben7: oh, you’re about to get the fathead baby
patsprettytommy: the what?
bigben7: nothing, nevermind
patsprettytommy: ok. god this is so hot.
bigben7: yeah it feels so good
patsprettytommy: feels SO good
bigben7: mmmm yeah i feel so disrespected baby
patsprettytommy: yeah i kinda feel disrespected too
bigben7: i always get like that
patsprettytommy: disrespected? wait – ben is that you?
bigben7: uh oh.
patsprettytommy: it’s cool, man this is tom, tom brady
bigben7: holy fuck man! i almost had cybersex with you
patsprettytommy: i know!
bigben7: you wanna just do it anyway?
patsprettytommy: fuck it, why not tell me what you’re wearing

Posted in: NFL23 comments

February1

Joey Porter finally manages to work himself into a masturbatory froth

By: the mighty mjd

Joey Porter, shown here after Woogie advised him to flog the dolphin before every big game.I haven’t spent a lot of time talking about the Super Bowl lately… mainly because there isn’t much happening. And there still isn’t… but we’re going to talk about it anyway. The only thing that happened today is that Joey Porter found a little comment and used it to make himself all red and huffy. That is not news. That is what Joey Porter does.

Jerramy Stevens said about Jerome Bettis, “It’s a heartwarming story and all that, but it will be a sad day when he leaves without that trophy.”

And Joey Porter responded as only Joey Porter would.

“I’ve been asleep all week but now I got woke up. I’ve got my first taste of blood and now I’m thirsty for more. Until now, it was ‘Watch what I say,’ ‘I can’t say this,’ ‘I can’t say that,’ ‘Don’t do anything silly,’ but I’m ready now.

“You look for the guys that say something that aren’t supposed to say nothing, and I feel like he definitely was out of pocket to say what he said. I’m going to make sure he owns up to those words.

“He’s too soft to say something like that. He’s going to have the opportunity to back up his words. I’m going to have the opportunity to back up my words. So, it’s something I’m looking forward to and I’m ready to get going.

Porter also called Stevens “a first-round bust who barely made some plays this season.” He also said a player of Stevens’ stature “has a lot of nerve” to say what he said about Bettis.

I don’t know if Joey Porter expected Jerramy Stevens to wake up this morning and make Jerome’s bed for him, spot for him in the weight room, and then dedicate his performance in the Super Bowl to Jerome and his family… but he didn’t. He just said he thought Seattle was going to win. Which is fair. Because he plays for Seattle.

But it doesn’t matter. Logic and reasoning aren’t things that Joey Porter is all that familiar with. It doesn’t matter what he thinks, and it doesn’t matter what he said. It is all self-indulgent masturbation at this point… and Joey Porter has elevated it into an artform.

Posted in: NFL11 comments

February1

John Muckler hating on Mike Tyson

By: the mighty mjd

Body blow, body blow... KNOCK HIM OUT.Ottawa Senators goalie Ray Emery wore a mask the other night featuring the image of Mike Tyson… and his GM, John Muckler, has talked him into taking it off. He didn’t ‘make’ him take it off… but he gently eased him in that direction.

“We didn’t ask him not to wear the mask,” Senators GM John Muckler said Tuesday. “We just had a discussion about what was right and what was wrong. He said he would take it off.”

Yeah, we wouldn’t want anyone to sully hockey. “Hey kids, come to a game, watch two grown men punch each other in the face without repercussions. But please avert your gaze from the 6-inch airbrushed image of Mike Tyson because that is threatening to tear apart the moral fabric of our game. And hey, how about a hand for Todd Bertuzzi!”

Anyway… in the interests of full disclosure, I am biased here, on both sides. I love Mike Tyson… and, as bizarre as it may seem, I hate John Muckler. The last time I was a hockey fan, he was coaching the Rangers quite poorly. In addition, he’s pretty much the reason that Ted Nolan can’t get another NHL job. Or, at the very least, he represents the old boys hockey network that is the reason that Ted Nolan can’t get a job. Anyway, I hope Mike hears about this and shows up at a Senators game looking for a piece of Muckler.

Emery also has masks that honor Marvin Hagler and Jack Johnson… which makes him just about the coolest guy in the history of the NHL. And while we’re here… isn’t the goalie mask about the most unique uniform thing that exists in all of sports? I mean, what other sport allows you to put whatever you want on one piece of uniform equipment? If David Stern had to deal with that, he’d kill himself.

Posted in: Criminality, Uncategorized2 comments

February1

Breaking News: Commissioner steps down

By: the mighty mjd

Holy Lord.Citing conflicts over recent issues with the league’s dress code and players going into the stands (and spreading STDs), Dennis Rodman has stepped down as commissioner of the Lingerie Bowl.

Actually, he stepped down because The Lingerie Bowl negotiated an endoresment deal with online gambling website bodog.com, while Rodman is a paid endorser of goldenpalace.com. The Lingerie Bowl is now looking into replacing Rodman with a celebrity of equal magnitude, someone like Carrot Top or Kurt Rambis.

And did you know that you can gamble on The Lingerie Bowl? It’s true. You can beat on the winner (I like the New York Euphoria over the Los Angeles Temptation, because of their strong vertical passing game and plastic tits), which team will score first, what position player will score the first touchdown, and if anyone will perform a pole dance after a touchdown. Really. You can. That seems like easy money.

Posted in: NFL, Uncategorized6 comments

February1

Backdoor Cuts – 02/01/06

By: the mighty mjd

Ya think that Peyton Manning and Steve Francis ever swap wives?• As it turns out, Cuttino Mobley wasn’t the only one who was victimized when his place was broken into. Whoever broke in not only took $500,000 in Cuttino’s cash, but also got some of Steve Francis’s jewelry. Which was at Cuttino Mobley’s apartment. Steve Francis’s jewelry was at Cuttino Mobley’s apartment. Gay rumors have started on less. Way, way, less. I hope the bandits didn’t get Steve’s boxers or toothbrush.

• Nice find by the Wizard of Odds here. Jeb Bush, governor of Florida, and brother of that guy who was all over TV last night saying positively nothing, is doing some recruiting for Florida State. Via text message, no less.

• Here’s an excellent offering from CBS Sportsline’s fledgling SPiN on Sports. Clay Travis sums up a lot of the reasons why I positively hate the spectacle that is the Super Bowl. He goes over 25 different kinds of fans who you don’t want to be watching the Super Bowl with. It bothers me… it personally offends me, even, that so many people who have no interest in the game intrude on it to the point that the NFL and the networks feel compelled to make it a sideshow that appeals to every schmuck out there. Anyway… I enjoyed this column. Give it a look.

• Today’s worthless bit of Super Bowl news: The roman numerals “XL” are really great. Really. That’s the theme of this New York Times article… that this particular roman numeral is the best ever. These are the kinds of stories that Ed Harken sends Veronica Corningstone out to cover.

Posted in: NBA7 comments

February1

Dunk contest field is set

By: the mighty mjd

He jumps high.And I think it looks like a damn good one.

• Definding champion Josh Smith. I think you have to make him the early favorite to repeat, just based on last year’s creativity. He used Kenyon Martin as a prop, he busted out the Dominique jersey… this is a man who knows that creativity is important, and who knows he has to step his game up.

• Nate Robinson. On the 20th anniversary of Spud Webb’s victory in the dunk contest, 5’9″ Nate Robinson steps in. He’s got the opportunity to really do something special. The little guys who can stay in the air the longest are really at a huge advantage. Robinson’s got a great chance to step in and blow some minds.

• Hakim Warrick. A great dunker. He’s got those long helicopter arms, and he’s thrown down some impressive in-game dunks. Some of the slams he threw down at Syracuse were on SportsCenter for days afterwards. But it’s going to be very hard for a big man to win this thing. They just can’t hang in the air and get as many things done. Without major creativity and probably some help from someone else, Hakim Warrick isn’t getting out of the first round.

• Andre Iguodala. Potential to be awesome. He’s the right size kind of guy… small enough to take off from the foul fine, but big enough to throw it down with some thunder. He’s certainly as capable as anyone else.

I’d have liked to have seen J.R. Smith get an invite back… He didn’t make it to the Finals last year, but his first-round behind-the-back dunk is maybe the most underrated dunk of all time. It had to be incredibly hard to do, and I had never seen anyone else do it before. But oh well.

It’s going to come down to creativity. I think use of teammates/friends is going to be big this year. Last year, Josh Smith used Kenyon Martin, and Amare Stoudamire used Steve Nash… and both went over exceedingly well. J.R. Smith tried to use a teammate, too, but… well, that teammate was Chris Andersen, and he was hell-bent on destroying everything in his path last year. In fairness, though, he may have been strung out, so I’m cutting him some slack.

Posted in: Uncategorized1 comments

February1

Kobe & Wilt

By: the mighty mjd

I think they did it on purpose...

The first thing I thought when I saw that headline was, “Damn… 10,000 already? Guy’s been doing some serious fuckin’.”

I’m not proud of myself.

As it turns out, Kobe becomes just the 2nd player of all time to average 40 points across an entire month… which is neither as scandalous, or as impressive. But congratulations to him anyway.

Posted in: NBA4 comments

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