Steelers linebacker Joey Porter takes time out of his busy Super Bowl week to debut has brand new advice column. I’m happy to carry it here on themightymjd.com…

Dear Joey,

Joey, I’m desperate and I need your help. I think my husband might be cheating on me. Do you think I should confront him?

Signed,
Fed Up in Flint

Dear Fed Up:

Confront him? Girl, you need to get PHYSICAL. What you gonna do, go cryin’ to your man, like ‘Awww, I think you’re being unfaithful, Waaah, and it makes me feel sad.’ Fuck all that, girl. Get yourself a shovel, wait for him in the garage, and when he comes home and steps out of that car, BOOM. Go upside that man’s HEAD.

Of course, if you ain’t a good wife, you need to keep your mouth shut, you know? Not just anyone can be talkin’ shit. So unless you have dinner ready for him on the table every night and you’re givin’ up that ass whenever he wants it, you need to keep that mouth shut. Because if you start saying shit he doesn’t like, and you haven’t been to two or three Pro Bowls, he has every right to put on a pair of brass knucks and bust you in your grillpiece.

Best of luck,
Joey

Dear Joey,

Hey, what’s up, I’m a huge Steelers fan. Best of luck on Sunday. Here’s my question: There’s this girl at school who I kinda like and I think she likes me too, but I can’t tell. Like, sometimes she’ll smile at me, and sometimes she pretends I’m not even there. It confuses me.

Signed,
Smitten in San Jose

Dear Smitten,

I can’t STAND that bitch, playin’ all those games like that. If she likes you, she needs to step and tell you she’s down for you, you know? But all those games and smilin’ and winkin’, that bitch reminds me of Peyton Manning. Here’s what I think you should do: Blitz that triflin’ ho from the weak side, and put the crown of your helmet right into her motherfuckin’ sternum and drop her like Ali did Liston. ARRRGH.

And then get up and kick the air, just to let the rest of them hoes know where you stand.

Best of luck,
Joey

Dear Joey,

I think the Seahawks might win Sunday.

Signed,
Seahawks Fan in – Well, there’s no way I’m telling you where I live.

Dear Seahawks Fan,

I’MMA KILL YOU, MOTHERFUCKER. YOU HEAR ME? I will take a sledgehammer to your FACE. I’m gonna FIND where you live. You can’t hide from me. I’m gonna have your letter fingerprinted, and I’m going to track you down AND MURDER YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY, YOU DIRTY RAT-SOUP EATIN’ MOTHERFUCKER. Don’t go to sleep, punk son of a bitch. You hear me? DO NOT GO TO SLEEP. Because the second you do, I’m going to wake your mama up and make her watch me stab you to death with a pair of left-handed scissors. I suggest you make peace with God. You are going to DIE.

Best of luck,
Joey

Dear Joey,

I’m a pretty nervous person, and I sometimes have trouble relaxing. How do you unwind during the off-season?

Signed,
Tense in Tempe

Dear Tense,

Mainly, I just walk around the malls in Pittsburgh, and anyone who doesn’t ask me for my autograph, I kill.

Best of luck,
Joey

Eh, good for her, I guess. This isn’t something I’m going to get too excited about. I mean, she’s clearly an exceptionally talented person, and I’m sure she’s a great player. But at the high school level, I’m a little put off by the idea of one entire team being humiliated so that one player can get some headlines.

When Kobe scores 81, that’s different. The Raptors are professionals. If they don’t want him to score 81 points, they can feel free to stop him. But with this… one team was clearly unable to do anything to defend themselves. So the coach keeps her best player in the game, up by 100 points? That is shameful.

Women’s basketball, especially in high school, is still at the point where there are huge disparities in talent. There aren’t enough good players to go around. Things like this are going to happen from time to time, because some teams can’t handle certain players. But that’s not an excuse to embarrass an entire other team.

And I don’t know if there’s a shot clock in women’s high school basketball, but the coach of the other team should’ve found a way to stop this, too. Send your biggest player out there to physically lay on the basketball. If you’ve got to take a foul on her every time, then do it. If you’ve got to triple-team her, then do it. If you have to pull a pen knife out of your sock and actually deflate the basketball, do it.

LeBron noticed, too. His quote about the situation was amusing…

“It’s an amazing thing when an individual does that,” he said. “I don’t know who she is, but maybe we’ll see her in the WNBA. For that matter, the NBA.”

Well, let’s slow down a little bit. Those sound like the words of a guy who really really wants to sell some shoes to women.