Archive for March, 2006

She seems enthusiastic.Those are my picks for Saturday. I’d like to go with George Mason, but… I think Florida combines an organized, multiple-option offense that’s difficult to defend, with disciplined, poised, play, and freakish athletes. I don’t think they’ve played a team yet with that kind of combination. Wichita State lacked the freakish athletes. UConn and Michigan State lacked the organized, disciplined play. UNC lacked experience, poise, and focus.

It wouldn’t shock me if Mason won, though… they are that good. I could envision them really slowing the game down, feeding the post, getting Noah and Horford in foul trouble and taking their chances with some big-balls plays down the stretch. That’s going to be hard to execute, though.

It’s not that I don’t think Mason is good, I just think Florida’s better. I feel bad about it… I do want them to win. I’ll be rooting for them. I just don’t think it’ll happen.

And by the way, it would be a real nice change of pace for a team to win a tournament, and then take the microphone and say, “Hey, no one thought we could do it, no one believed in us,” and have it not be complete horseshit. I don’t think that’s happened since the 2004 NBA Finals.

On the other side, I like LSU. And again, it’s not because I think there’s anything particularly wrong with UCLA, but LSU has just mowed through everyone, teams who play a variety of styles. They’re peaking at the right time, they’re getting good decision-making from their guards, and their post players are just buck nasty. I think they’re beating UCLA by 10 or more. I like LSU on Monday night, too.

You?

I've got an odd feeling that Kris Benson is going to win 18 or 20 games this year...My advice to owners of any convenience stores that happen to be near Camden Yards in Baltimore… stock up on the profylactics. Anna Benson owes some nay-nay to a lot of Orioles employees, and some of them are probably going to want to strap up twice.

Kris Benson has evidently cheated on her. That’s what she’s saying, anyway… and this seems like a lot less fun now. In case you’ve forgotten, or haven’t been sufficiently reminded in the past few hours… Anna once vowed to fuck all of Kris’s teammates if he ever cheated on her.

“I told him, ‘Cheat on me all you want.’ If you get caught, I’m going to [have sex with] everybody on your entire team,” she told Howard Stern on his radio show in 2004. “Everyone would get a turn.”

This was better when Kris was a normal, average, dude, and Anna was the crazy, attention-starved, loathsome whorebag. But if he’s the one cheating on her… well, that makes him the douchebag. I don’t care how crazy she is, you married her, dude. That locks you in. They are now co-douchebags… and as irritating as I find this woman, he’s the bigger douche. And yhere are no winners when douchebags marry each other.

One other little note from the article…

Anna Benson’s lawyer filed the divorce papers yesterday in Atlanta, where the couple has a home.

The papers say the seven-year marriage is “irretrievably broken,” and does not mention what a source called the X-rated real reason for the breakup.

“We chose not to go that route at this point,” said Jeffrey Bogart, her lawyer.

What? Why wouldn’t they go that route? Restraint and discretion do not seem like the Anna Benson route to go… you know this is coming out sooner or later. If it was something that Anna Benson was reluctant to talk about in public, Kris Benson was doing something real freaky. There may be a young woman near Baltimore’s spring training camp who has some Louisville Slugger splinters in a sensitive area.

I PREFER SYRUP.

I’m all for in-depth reporting, but I don’t think it’s necessary for FoxSports.com to let us know every time a Rangers pitcher has his salad tossed.

Picked this up at FoxSports.com, via Fark.com…

Hofstra... exactly what the fuck are they so proud of?Jim Boeheim and a few other coaches have gone on record as saying that they’d like to see the NCAA tournament expand the field. The argument is that there are more teams now, and in fact, more good teams, which is something I agree with. I still don’t know that it makes it necessary to have more than 64 teams in a tournament to crown a national championship, but it’s true… the mid-majors have really closed the gap on the big guys. Now, I’m not sure if these proposals are designed to get more Hofstras into the tournament, or more Michigans… but it sounds nice in theory.

I don’t think it’s something that’s really likely to happen, but the movement appears to be gathering steam. If it does happen, I a few requests:

1) If there are more play-in games, they should make every effort to make them seem like a real tournament game. I forget who Monmouth played in the play-in game this year, but that team, who won a conference tournament, did not get the same attention that the other teams in the tournament got… they got a Tuesday night game in Dayton. Congratulations. I don’t think it would be fair to make these conference tournament winners play in tournament games that aren’t really tournament games. In fact…

2) The play-in games shouldn’t always be just winners of the small conference tournaments. I’d rather see teams like Cincinnati or Florida State, big schools who didn’t quite have the chops to get in, duking it out for a spot. I think winning a conference tournament or regular season title, no matter how sucky the conference, is a bigger deal than going .500 in the ACC. I’d rather see the conference winners rewarded.

And 3) Please don’t fuck with my bracket pool. If you’re still announcing the teams on Sunday evening, then you can’t start having 6 or 8 games on Tuesday. That doesn’t give me enough time to organize a completely legal, not-for-profit tournament pool.

Well, Wal-Mart would have all the pain relieving creams he would need at a low, low, price...Sorta. New Vikings head coach Brad Childress had some things to say recently about Daunte Culpepper’s choice of off-season rehab locations. Childress wanted him to come to Minnesota and use the team facilities. He called Daunte to tell him that.

Before trading Culpepper to the Dolphins, Childress sent Vikings trainer Eric Sugarman to Orlando in February so he could monitor the quarterback’s progress while also evaluating the facility where he had been rehabilitating his surgically repaired right knee.

Sugarman’s findings didn’t go over well with Childress.

“He (was) rehabbing in a HealthSouth place in Orlando,” Childress said. “I close my eyes. I’m seeing a Chinese restaurant, a HealthSouth place, a laundromat and a strip mall. And I’m thinking, ‘What did they have in there?’ They had a StepMaster and some other things.”

During Sugarman’s visit, Culpepper’s personal trainer offered to have the quarterback show Sugarman his progress, Childress said. Both trainers and Culpepper headed to a nearby paved lot.

“They go into a Wal-Mart parking lot to do his movement,” Childress said. “So you can understand where I’m coming from. There’s the HealthSouth, the Chinese restaurant, the laundromat, here’s the alley, out the backdoor and into the Wal-Mart parking lot.

“I’m like, ‘What’s wrong with this picture?’ Are you with me? I’m going, ‘Come on now. Is he better served here in the fieldhouse or the Wal-Mart parking lot?’”

Just for the record, I have no problem at all with Daunte Culpepper wanting to rehab in a strip mall if he wants to. The off-season belongs to the player. Maybe he’d be doing himself and the team some favors if he worked out on-site, but he shouldn’t have to. In the off-season, I don’t think he owes the team anything.

I do think Childress’s quotes are pretty funny, though.

That poor little girl probably went home and asked her mother for plastic tits for Christmas.Kris Benson, seemingly normal guy, is probably standing in the middle of a muddy creek right now, thunder and lightning illuminating the sky behind him, dripping wet, arms stretched to the sky, rain pounding his face, tasting the sweet taste of freedom. Anna Benson, crazy whore, has filed for divorce. Wherever he is, I’d like to buy Kris Benson a drink.

No longer does he have to sit there and look embarrassed when his wife shows up to a Mets Christmas function dressed like Santa Claus, if Santa Claus was a Thailand hooker. Look at Kris in that picture there. He’s thinking, “You fucking cunt, look at you. Look at your giant fake tits. There are kids here. This is a Christmas charity function, not a Tijuana bar crawl. Have you no shame? No class? And why are your teeth so fucking big? God, I hate you.”

I just hope for the sake of everything holy that there’s a pre-nup involved. I doubt there was. Kris, almost literally, pulled Anna down off the stripper pole and married her. If there was no pre-nup Anna Benson will now start the decline from online poker endorsements to straight up porn. If every other fastball Kris Benson throws, however, goes towards maintenance and upkeep on her tits, then she won’t have to.

Anyway, um… maybe I shouldn’t be saying any of this. There are real people involved, there’s a child involved, and these are real people going through real things, but… I dunno, I’m just having a hard time picturing Kris Benson being unhappy right now.

So, yeah. Best of luck to everyone involved.

And for more on the history of Anna Benson, I suggest looking at Deadspin’s Anna Benson section here.

Also, they forced them at gunpoint to actually have sex in the back of this car.Aaron Hill and Russ Adams, infielders for the Toronto Blue Jays, noticed that pitchers Roy Halladay was spending a lot of time with A.J. Burnett, his new training partner. So Hill and Adams had them a couple of t-shirts printed up with Burnett’s and Halladay’s pictures on them, and under the pictures were the words “Brokeback Mound.”

That’s not bad. I think the Brokeback Mountain jokes have pretty much run their course, but… you that’s not bad for a couple of Toronto relief pitchers. But it pales in comparison to the revenge had by Halladay and Burnett.

Step 1: Halladay and Burnett hired a plane to fly over the field before a game with a sign that read, “Aaron, will you marry me? I love you. Russ.”

Step 2: They arranged for Hill and Adams to be married. Really. They decorated the clubhouse with wedding decorations, hired a caterer, a DJ, a videographer, had wedding gifts and everything. Hill’s car had blue and white balloons all over it, with signs, including one that said, “Watch us turn two later tonight.”

Step 3: During a game against the Phillies yesterday, a plane flew overhead that said, “Congratulations, Aaron and Russ.”

I might have a new favorite baseball team.

I'm OK with any institution of higher learning that's actually headquartered in a bar.A bunch of old guys that I’d like to hang out with pulled off a pretty sweet little trick… in 1963, some guys were sitting around in a bar came up with the idea of founding a fake institution of higher learning. They called it “Maguire University” and they used it to hoodwink the NCAA into giving them free Final Four tickets.

I don’t know exactly they went about it, but they must have just called the NCAA and said, “Hey, we have a school,” and the NCAA said, “OK, your tickets are on the way,” because really, all they had was their idea.  There was no team, no school, no nothing.  And it worked.  The NCAA send them Final Four tickets for two years. Air Force even called them up once and asked to schedule a game against them.

This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.  It ended when some Chicago columnist eventually broke their story in the Chicago Tribune, and that was the end of it. But they’ve still found a way to attend each of the last 44 Final Fours, which is oustanding. These men are heroes.

Barry, back when no one really hated him, or his shrunken testicles.Wouldn’t it be awesome if they did their investigation and came back and said, “Well, we just can’t find any evidence that Barry Bonds used steroids. Not a shred. The guy’s clean.”

Really, what is this process going to consist of? Unless the entire investigation consists of just going to Barry’s house and saying, “Hey, did you do steroids?” and then taking his word for whatever answer he gives… this seems like a giant waste of time. Hey, I’ve got a hot tip for your investigation: read that Shadows book. I think those guys were pretty thorough. They even hired a former Senator to conduct the investigation… which has got to be the easiest job ever. They could’ve hired any homeless guy. Isiah Thomas couldn’t fuck this up.

Bud Selig also announced today that Major League Baseball is launching an investigation of whether or not Kerry Wood is injury prone, and whether or not Randy Johnson is unattractive.

I just don’t know why this has to continue. He used steroids. Punish him or don’t, and then let’s find something else to talk about for a while.

I kinda wanna do that big fuzzy green thing in the background.These are pulled from a Washington Post article today that makes George Mason seem like about the most likable team in college basketball history. It’s a nice article by Mike Wise, and gives you a look at the honest, goofy, nature of this team and their head coach.

• Coach Jim Larranaga does not use profanity.

• Larranaga’s salary is 1/9th of Billy Donovan’s.

• Larranaga’s first assistant coaches lived in his basement.

• A quote from freshman Sammy Hernandez, who loves Scarface: “First, you get the money. Then, you get the Final Four. Then, you get the woman.”

• Jai Lewis is nicknamed “Giggles.”

And here’s another good one from Adrian Wojnarowski at ESPN.com. It’s a little bit more about how Mason got to where they are, the kind of people they were looking for, and how they’ve gone about things. Both quality reads.

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