This is what the NCAA Women’s Basketball Tournament Selection Show would’ve been like if Trey Wingo were more like Andrew Dice Clay. Actual comments are in back. Trey Wingo’s comments, if he were more like Andrew Dice Clay, are in red.

Trey Wingo: Well, this is where all decisions are made, the NCAA selection headquarters in Indianapolis. And look at that fucking room. 30 women, one hairstyle. It’s like a girls’ gym teacher convention.

Stacey Dales-Schuman: I’m just happy that you, Trey Wingo, have joined women’s college basketball. No NFL right now.
Trey Wingo: I’m delighted to be here, but let me tell you something, sweetheart. If there was an NFL game today, believe me, I wouldn’t be sitting here talking about women’s fucking basketball. I’d plant my ass in front of a TV, drink a case of beer, root for someone to get injured, and then go fuck my wife before I passed out.

Trey Wingo: Listen, understand. ESPN has their arms completely around this event. Every single game of the tournament will be seen on the ESPN family of networks, which is great news if you’re a woman or a homo. Lifetime and Oxygen are in real fucking trouble this week, aren’t they?

Stacey Dales-Schuman: Check out Purdue. Cherelle George, suspended before the Big 10 tournament for academic reasons. We don’t know if she’s going to play.
Trey Wingo: What, did she fail Home Ec? Here’s your midterm, sweetheart. Do my fucking laundry and polish my knob. There, you get an A. Run along and play some basketball.

Trey Wingo: And then you have Tennessee, hey listen, the committee has always said go play a tough schedule and you’ll be rewarded. Was Tennessee rewarded or punished for that? And what’s their reward going to be, a new pants suit for the coach? Get the fuck outta here.

Stacey Dales-Schuman: I think what happened here was that Tennessee’s left cheek got smacked and then their right cheek got smacked.
Trey Wingo: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on there, sweetheart. That’s the Diceman’s territory there. You want me to slap some asses, bring ‘em right here, bend ‘em over my knee, and I’ll paddle their flat little asses with my prick, OH!

Kara Lawson: How about the Kentucky women getting a higher seed than the Kentucky men? The ladies are rulin’ the roost in Lexington.
Trey Wingo: Wait a second, bitch. No one’s rulin’ anybody’s roost, cuz I’m about to put my cock in the henhouse right now. If the ladies at Kentucky want to rule the roost, they can play the men 5-on-5, and see how that goes. Loser has to toss my salad. Whaddaya say, bitch?

Trey Wingo: Vivian, before we let you go, we have to ask you, you were at Temple when John Chaney was there, so hey… you ever blow Bill Cosby?

Vivian Stringer: (John Chaney) touched my life in a very personal way and–
Trey Wingo: Oh, I bet he did, ya fuckin’ whore.

Trey Wingo: You want numbers? I got your numbers. How about 24 points and 26 rebounds… and 12 inches I’d like to shove down her fuckin’ throat, OH!

Trey Wingo: When we return, we will talk to the head of the selection committee and ask them: How the fuck can anyone stand to watch women’s basketball?