I’m a couple days late on this, but I did want to mention Roger Clemens’ unusual pregame habit of smearing Icy Hot on his junk. If you missed it, The Rocket amazed his Team USA teammates by slathering Icy Hot on his upper thighs and all over his manbag before starting. He says he doesn’t like to get comfortable on the mound.
And that’s a pretty good way to accomplish discomfort. Now, for those of you who have never had Icy Hot or a similar substance on your genitals, and you heard about what Clemens did and you thought, “That’s gotta be uncomfortable,” you have no idea. You really have no idea.
Once, through a set of odd circumstances that I’ll spare you, I inadvertently rubbed some Bayer pain relieving cream south of the border and into surrounding areas. I think the Bayer cream and Icy Hot have the same active ingredient, but I’m pretty sure that the Bayer is significantly stronger. I might be wrong about that. I know that Bayer is the strongest one I’ve ever tried.
Anyway, at first, it burned as you’d expect it to. Then, the burn began to intensify and I started to realize just how sensitive the skin is on certain parts of the body. A minute later, I was thinking, “Jesus, this is intense.” A minute later, it was, “Alright, this is not motherfucking normal.” Another minute, and it feels like someone is extinguishing a cigar on my taint and I’m wondering if I’ll ever get an erection again. And a minute later, I’ve got the affected area uncovered and exposed to air, and I’m fanning it and praying out loud. A minute after that, I’m thinking that the cream may have done some permanent damage and a visit to the emergency room is not out of the question.
So yeah… Roger Clemens is a crazy Texan fuck. And while doing some research for this post, I found that there are apparently people out there, more than just a couple of them, who at various times have thought it would be a good idea to jerk off with Icy Hot. There are tales here, and here. I had no idea this was so prevalant.
The Big Picture Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 4:27 am
i’d imagine this shit wouldn’t feel too good on a girl either…so if you ever want to get back at your girlfriend for eyeball fucking some other dude, next time you finger her, smear some icy hot on your digit first.
DookieStyle Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 9:24 am
You are one sick bastard.
Remis Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 10:25 am
I saw a guy do this once on Howard Stern (Joey Boots). He was going bezerk
telly Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 10:51 am
why not just put a fucking scorpion or a motherfucking jellyfish in your drawers?
The Dar Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 1:11 pm
Telly,
Any particular reason the jellyfish fucks mothers while the scorpion simply fucks? Just curious.
BoSox Siobhan Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 1:27 pm
Closest I ever came to experiencing this was residual jalepeno juice on my girly areas. I almost cried. Ended up sitting in a tepid bath for hours.
I cringe just to think on it and officially call Clemens crazy.
SLaird22 Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 2:24 pm
I’ve done this accidentally on probably 3 occasions. And there is another occasion that involved open wounds from poison ivy and paint thinner. I’m not even going to get into that one.
Rob Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 2:45 pm
Word to the wise - always wash your hands BEFORE letting the little man out to take a piss after enjoying a huge plate of hot wings (I mean *real* hot wings, not some Texas Pete pu**y wings).
Also, if you ever want your girl to enjoy a Krispy Kreme Doughnot slung on your slong, make sure to nuke it just a bit. The glaze can be abrasive.
The Dynamic Hispanic Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 5:27 pm
This was the funniest shit I have read in a long time. This and one of the accompanying links. I laughed so hard in my newspaper class everyone thought I was on drugs.
Dave's Football Blog Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 5:46 pm
Someone just came over to my cubicle and asked, “What the hell are you laughing at?” Good work, sir.
Garth Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 8:23 pm
I almost got in fairly major trouble at school for this, but in no way was it not worth it.
Crazy Texan Fuck Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 10:39 pm
This man does not represent us.
Sean Says:
March 29th, 2006 at 11:31 pm
Some funny shit right here.
Adam Says:
March 30th, 2006 at 3:23 am
As someone with an unfortunate bit of experience in the area, I can tell you that Icy-Hot on the balls is no fun at all. I once did it on a ten dollar bet, and it was most definitely not worth it. My reaction was, “Shit, that was an easy ten bucks this isn’t so ba….OHMYFUCKINGGODITBURNSHELP!!!” followed by writhing in pain and looking for a bottle of water to wash it off with while my friends heartlessly laughed. Not good times. I can’t even begin to describe the pain. How Clemens does this a pitches well is beyond me, although I’m going to chalk it up to steroid shrunken testicles because I hate Roger Clemens.
Roger Clemens Says:
April 1st, 2006 at 4:14 am
DICK PAIN RAGE! GRRRR
CheeseheadPete Says:
April 2nd, 2006 at 2:36 am
So steroids aren’t an issue with Rog? I wonder if he gets “comfortable” with his wife and her six-pak?
Ramirez Says:
February 11th, 2007 at 9:56 pm
I too have had this bad experience. Except instead of Icy Hot, the product was BenGay. There were a few of us at my friends house. We were playing “high stakes poker”. Loser got a ball-sack full of BenGay. The game lasted about a half hour because we all feared for our buddies downstairs. Anyway, stupid me bet all-in with a pair of 10s(I really don’t know why I did that). Well, as I’m sure you’d all imagine, everyone was cracking up while I had a look of horror on my face. My friend handed me the tube of BenGay and escorted me to his driveway. So we were all standing outside, and my friend tells me to put out my hand. He squeezes out half the fuckin’ bottle into my hand and gives me a sinister grin. So I walk to the end of the driveway and apply the “hell cream” as I like to call it, to my nutsack. My initial reaction is “Hey, this isnt so bad”. Then, that feeling takes one helluva sharp right hand turn into “HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY BALLS ARE ON FIRE!” That feeling stayed with me for about half an hour.