Kris Benson, seemingly normal guy, is probably standing in the middle of a muddy creek right now, thunder and lightning illuminating the sky behind him, dripping wet, arms stretched to the sky, rain pounding his face, tasting the sweet taste of freedom. Anna Benson, crazy whore, has filed for divorce. Wherever he is, I’d like to buy Kris Benson a drink.
No longer does he have to sit there and look embarrassed when his wife shows up to a Mets Christmas function dressed like Santa Claus, if Santa Claus was a Thailand hooker. Look at Kris in that picture there. He’s thinking, “You fucking cunt, look at you. Look at your giant fake tits. There are kids here. This is a Christmas charity function, not a Tijuana bar crawl. Have you no shame? No class? And why are your teeth so fucking big? God, I hate you.”
I just hope for the sake of everything holy that there’s a pre-nup involved. I doubt there was. Kris, almost literally, pulled Anna down off the stripper pole and married her. If there was no pre-nup Anna Benson will now start the decline from online poker endorsements to straight up porn. If every other fastball Kris Benson throws, however, goes towards maintenance and upkeep on her tits, then she won’t have to.
Anyway, um… maybe I shouldn’t be saying any of this. There are real people involved, there’s a child involved, and these are real people going through real things, but… I dunno, I’m just having a hard time picturing Kris Benson being unhappy right now.
So, yeah. Best of luck to everyone involved.
And for more on the history of Anna Benson, I suggest looking at Deadspin’s Anna Benson section here.
Adam Says:
March 31st, 2006 at 1:29 am
Wait, SHE filed for divorce? She’s kicking the only reason she’s semi-famous to the curb? Does she actually think she’s still going to get interviews and photo shoots without him? I mean she’s resonably attractive (not mindblowingly so, she’s too dirty for that, but let’s just say I won’t be sad if this leads to her doing porn) but the only reason she got any pub was for the “crazy ex-stripper wife of a moderately succesful major league pitcher” factor. Without that, who cares? I’m happy for Kris because she’s been nothing but an embarrassment and distraction for him, but this seems like bad move on her part.
DookieStyle Says:
March 31st, 2006 at 8:44 am
Also, if you have time, go to her website, which I think is annabenson.com.
You will never be the same again.
RoyHaygood Says:
March 31st, 2006 at 9:57 am
I humbly predict that the next logical event in this sequence is one of those ‘celebrity’ mug shots at The Smoking Gun after she beats a bald, fat guy wearing a Mets jersey and cap in a Baltimore strip bar called ‘Night Moves’ over the head with that bat she’s proferring in the FHM layout after he tells her that now that she’s divorced, she can go ahead and sleep with any Met she wants, whether Kris cheats on her or not.
I, too, was once married to an insane ex stripper, but at least she had the decency to become addicted to amphetamines and left on her own to become a crackhead, which is preferable to whatever happens subsequently in this case.
Bouj Says:
March 31st, 2006 at 11:09 am
Surreal Life, here she comes…
DookieStyle Says:
March 31st, 2006 at 11:16 am
Roy, I wanna hang with you brother.
Benny Says:
March 31st, 2006 at 11:27 am
As I wrote on my blog, Kris Benson and the Orioles front office are “Free at Last! Free at Last! Thank God Almight We’re Free at Last!”
I actually laughed when I heard she wanted a divorce from him. Usually I don’t laugh when I hear about divorces but with her I just couldn’t help it.
the everyday joe Says:
March 31st, 2006 at 1:58 pm
I hope you are right about the porn. Yeah, I’ll say it. I’d spank her with my pelvis. I guess that makes me a John.