Archive for March, 2006

At the end of Shaq's Icy Hot commercials, he should mention that you shouldn't jack off with it.I’m a couple days late on this, but I did want to mention Roger Clemens’ unusual pregame habit of smearing Icy Hot on his junk. If you missed it, The Rocket amazed his Team USA teammates by slathering Icy Hot on his upper thighs and all over his manbag before starting. He says he doesn’t like to get comfortable on the mound.

And that’s a pretty good way to accomplish discomfort. Now, for those of you who have never had Icy Hot or a similar substance on your genitals, and you heard about what Clemens did and you thought, “That’s gotta be uncomfortable,” you have no idea. You really have no idea.

Once, through a set of odd circumstances that I’ll spare you, I inadvertently rubbed some Bayer pain relieving cream south of the border and into surrounding areas. I think the Bayer cream and Icy Hot have the same active ingredient, but I’m pretty sure that the Bayer is significantly stronger. I might be wrong about that. I know that Bayer is the strongest one I’ve ever tried.

Anyway, at first, it burned as you’d expect it to. Then, the burn began to intensify and I started to realize just how sensitive the skin is on certain parts of the body. A minute later, I was thinking, “Jesus, this is intense.” A minute later, it was, “Alright, this is not motherfucking normal.” Another minute, and it feels like someone is extinguishing a cigar on my taint and I’m wondering if I’ll ever get an erection again. And a minute later, I’ve got the affected area uncovered and exposed to air, and I’m fanning it and praying out loud. A minute after that, I’m thinking that the cream may have done some permanent damage and a visit to the emergency room is not out of the question.

So yeah… Roger Clemens is a crazy Texan fuck. And while doing some research for this post, I found that there are apparently people out there, more than just a couple of them, who at various times have thought it would be a good idea to jerk off with Icy Hot. There are tales here, and here. I had no idea this was so prevalant.

There sure was a lot of snow on the ground when Eli Manning decided to make his snow angel...NFL.com’s Vic Carucci comes to the defense of the NFL today in light of their decision to limit the enjoyment we can all have by watching football. Here’s a little of what he says… and my reply isn’t to Carucci so much as it is to the NFL.

Players can still spike the ball in the end zone, spin it on the ground, and dunk it over the goal post if they like (and are able to). They also can dance and even leap into the stands.

Oh, good… they can do things that we’ve all seen 7,000 times. I really can’t get enough of that spike. That one sends shivers down my spine. Thank God they have left that bastion of the game alone. That’s every bit as exciting as Brett Favre licking his fingers.

As they watched videotape of games played during the 2005 season, members of the committee concluded that celebrations simply were getting out of hand. The biggest problem was that they were taking too long and slowing down the game unnecessarily.

I’m not buying that. If the NFL wants to stop slowing the game down, they can stop with the 4-minute breaks to watch instant replays. They could pay attention to that little clock that’s supposed to tell them when they’ve seen enough. I can’t recall a Chad Johnson celebration lasting longer than 20 or 30 seconds. We’ve got sequences of field goal–commercial–kickoff–commercial, and Steve Smith doing a five-second snow angel is what’s slowing the game down? No. That explanation just doesn’t wash.

I believe that this is being done for the same reasons that the NBA implemented their dress code… the players have to be acceptable to corporate sponsors. We can’t have these silly negroes doing all their crazy dances and acting all showboaty. That’s not what life is like in the corporate world, and those are the people we have to make happy. Our socks will all be the same height and color, our towels will be measured and clean, and we will behave in a civilized manner.

Thanks, Chad.  Thanks for trying.You remember how much everyone enjoyed Chad Johnson’s and to a less extent, Steve Smith’s, touchdown celebrations last year? The NFL didn’t like it. They saw you smiling, they saw you laughing, they heard you talking about it with friends and co-workers… and they will have no more of it.  Soon, they will send security guards into the stands to slap the beer out of your hand and punch you in the face if you smile.

Everyone must be the same. Everyone must be palatable to corporate sponsors. Everyone must behave like a good little boy. The NFL is going to make their celebration rules a new “point of emphasis,” meaning that if anyone tries to do something people might enjoy, they’re getting a 15-yard penalty on the ensuing kickoff.

I have been mildly critical of the excessive celebration before, but… just because I feel it’s a little bit selfish, doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it. Chad Johnson improved my Sundays last year. Fact. And I’m sure he did the same for a lot of people… I just cannot fathom why the NFL would want to stop him.

Chad Johnson, to his credit, is not discouraged.

“Of course you can not stop someone as creative as me. How can this bother someone as creative as me? Tell the competition committee that Chad said you can’t cover 85 and there’s no way you can stop him from entertaining.”

I’d like to believe you, Chad. But the NFL has a long history of extinguishing fun wherever it exists. They’ll find a way to get you.

*sigh*There’s been some discussion about the appropriateness of the IRL people going ahead with the race on Sunday after Paul Dana died on the track earlier in the day. I don’t have a clue what the right answer is… but the safer decision would probably have been to push it back a day or two, or cancel it all together.

I remember a few years ago, a WWF wrestler died during a pay-per-view event, and the WWF caught hell for continuing with the show.  I haven’t seen a whole lot of outrage about IRL’s decision to go ahead, and I’m alright with that.

I’d have cancelled it if I was in charge. And that’s not a criticism of the people who actually had to make the decision… I don’t know that there is a right and wrong here. I know a lot of fans paid for tickets and traveled a long way to get to the race, and that’s just a tough situation. If it was me, I’d have had a hard time sitting there and cheering for anyone just hours after a guy had died on that very spot just hours ago. But I certainly understand if not everyone sees it that same way. I just hope that they made the decision with their hearts, and not by a TV schedule or any other financial reasons.

To change the subject a little bit, it’s really sort of amazing that this kind of thing hasn’t happened more often in IRL. The way his car was shredded, it looked like it was made of styrofoam. Is this safe? Is professional car racing safe? Mark McGwire hits a few extra home runs, Jose Canseco writes a book, and we get a congressional hearing on baseball. How many people have died in auto racing over the years… and not a word? If I had a kid, I’d rather see him shove a needle full of dianabol into his ass than get behind the wheel of a race car.

Rodney Carney, having trouble figuring out the UCLA defense...Deadspin asked yesterday if the current NCAA tournament was the result of great basketball, or just great finishes and not-so-great basketball. Could a team like George Mason get to the Final Four if teams today were as good as they were back in the day? And what was the deal with that ugly-ass Memphis/UCLA game?

It’s kind of a long answer… I believe the game this year is in just as good as shape as it was 5 years ago. I mean, I’m not thrilled with the current state of basketball in general, but this year isn’t any better or worse this year than in the past few. There’s nothing wrong with the top seeds. I think what you’re seeing is the result of a few things.

First, mid-majors are getting better and better athletes all the time, because there are more and more of them to go around now. The different between a guy who ends up at Mason and a guy who ends up at UConn might be just 2 inches in height. A few more inches on the vertical. A little more accurate jumpshot in high school. It’s not much. I’m so impressed with Mason’s post players. They’re 6’6″ or 6’7″, but they’ve got great moves in the post, nice touch, comfortable with their backs to the basket, they play patiently, the make good decisions with the ball… there aren’t a lot of guys in college basketball who can play like that, and Mason has a couple of them.

And of course, it’s easier for a team like George Mason to keep their guys together for four years than it is for Duke or UConn, who spit out NBA prospects like a PEZ dispenser. That means a lot… especially in an era where guys aren’t at all fundamentally sound to begin with. Give a good coach a bunch of guys who will work to improve, and in four years, he’ll have them playing intelligently enough to beat teams with superior talent.

As for that Memphis/UCLA game… aberration. If Memphis shot the ball at the same percentage they had all year long, we wouldn’t have heard a word about this. I think it was just an example of a young Tiger team getting nervous, tensing up, being unable to establish a rhythm, and shooting like Jerome James after a couple bottles of Mad Dog 20/20. And they dragged UCLA down with them, they played to Memphis’s level, and we had an ugly game.

Other than that, I think the basketball’s been outstanding. The teams that are playing the best are where they should be.

Is it me, or does Ricky Williams have extraordinarily round ass cheeks?And here’s why the NFL can piss us off by trying to stop Chad Johnson’s endzone celebrations, and still be confident that, while we might bitch, we’re still going to watch: they announce the first games of the schedule today, and we all start salivating like Pavlov’s dogs.

Thursday night, September 7th: Dolphins @ Steelers. Daunte Culpepper with an acquatic mammal on the side of his helmet. Defending Super Bowl champions. First glimpse at NBC’s coverage. It’s a must watch.

Sunday night, September 10th: Colts @ Giants. Eh, it’s a must watch if you like goofy pasty-white quarterbacks who share a mother and father.

Monday, September 11th: Doubleheader: Vikings @ Redskins at 7, Chargers @ Raiders 10:15. First, it’s the two teams that have been among the most active in the offseason. And then, it’s the starting debut of Phillip Rivers, and you’ll be up until about 2 a.m. watching Marty Schottenheimer try to pull his foot out of Art Shell’s ass. And it’s the debut of the Tirico/Theismann/Kornheiser team, too.

Thanksgiving day, November 23rd: Tripleheader. Dolphins @ Lions at 12:30, Bucs @ Cowboys at 4:15, Broncos @ Chiefs at 8 on the NFL Network. The NFL attempts to draw you further and further away from your family, giving you no time to breathe on Thanksgiving day.

Doing a Google Image Search for SI.com’s On Campus section is reporting that Matt Leinart was recently spotted hanging and “canoodling” with Paris Hilton. I’m not sure what “canoodling” means, but if you do it with Paris Hilton, you should probably take a trip to the free clinic afterwards.

Now, who knows how much of this is true, or what Leinart and Paris were actually doing… but if he’s romantically involved with her at all, that’s not good news. His agent has to step in here… there’s a reason Brian Urlacher got rid of her so quickly. By the way, do they check for STDs at the combine?

I wouldn’t care if Vince Young got a negative 7 on the Wonderlic, needed a golf cart to finish his 40-yard dash, and hired Ryan Leaf as his career advisor, I’d still take him over anyone dating Paris Hilton. You just don’t want a quarterback with gonorrhea.

And if you’re Matt Leinart, why bother? There are few women aren’t earth who wouldn’t make their ass readily available to Matt Leinart if he so desired. You don’t need this. You can choose from plenty of women out there who have not made a career out of sucking cock for night-vision cameras. That seems like the better option.

He also had tremendous ups, and his arms were somehow darker complected than his face.I must confess to being ignorant about the accomplishments about the only man in history who has a 2006 Final Four basketball team named after him. I felt pretty safe in assuming that he was dead and white, but that was about all I knew.

So I looked it up, browed around Wikipedia and a few other places, and I put together a list of facts that you can use to impress your friends at your Final Four basketball get together. Enjoy.

• He was majory influential in getting the Bill of Rights added to the constitution. In fact, Bill of Rights itself was based on his Virginia Declaration of Rights, which he wrote earlier. The Bill of Rights is that thing with all the amendments, including the first one about freedom of speech, which is why I’m able to have this blog and say things like, “Bill Romanowski is a dirty cocksucker.”

• The reason George Mason isn’t as well known as some of our other forefathers is because he pissed off George Washington when he refused to sign the original constitution because it didn’t contain a Bill of Rights. Mason kept pissing and moaning about it after the fact until George no longer wanted to hang out with him. But George Washington didn’t even make the Sweet 16. George Mason’s in the Final Four. Scoreboard, you cherry-tree chopping son of a bitch.

• He did own slaves. Much like many of our other celebrated forefathers, we’ve named a bunch of shit after him, and he purchased black people. We might as well put some shackles and a bull-whip on the Mason jersey.

• He also argued vehemently that slaves needed to be freed, and that if the government was going to be all about liberty, then we needed to put an end to the practice of slavery. I don’t know his motivation for such arguments, but considering, you know, that he did actually own hundreds of black people, they were probably less than 100% altruistic.

• There’s a George Mason Memorial in D.C., though it isn’t nearly as popular as the giant phallus named for George Washington. The Memorial is really just a bronze George sitting on a bench with his legs crossed. Here’s a picture of it.

Here we see George with the stick that he used to beat his slaves, and the books he refused to let them read.

• Also, he was the first man in recorded history to ever give someone a Dirty Sanchez.

And if you’re really looking to impress people with your Masonly love, here are some George Mason quotes you can break out:

•”Our All is at Stake, and the little Conveniencys and Comforts of Life, when set in Competition with our Liberty, ought to be rejected not with Reluctance but with Pleasure.”

•”I begin to grow heartily tired of the etiquette and nonsense so fashionable in this city.”

•”The freedom of the press is one of the great bulwarks of liberty, and can never be restrained but by despotic governments.”

If Tollbooth Willie had an uncle who was into snuff films, I think he would look like Jim Calhoun.I mentioned it on Deadspin on Saturday, but I wanted to bring it up here, too… UConn can suck me. The way Jim Calhoun whined and cried during the Washington game was a disgrace. He spent the entire first half acting like the referees were all conspiring to sodomize his wife. You’ve never seen a coach bitch so much… particularly considering that they got the benefit of a bullshit missed goaltending call that might have turned the game in Washington’s favor.

And then afterwards, at the press conference, he starts complaining about having to play a “road game” against George Mason.

“I just hope we have enough time to recover. It’s going to be nice playing an away game, too. I’m really looking forward to that. That pod system is really working out to protect the 1s, right?”

Hey, maybe he was right. Maybe it was unfair to the 1-seed UConn to have to play in such a terrible environment. Maybe that was too much to ask of UConn and their six-or-more future NBA players. Or maybe the players took a cue from their coach and started listening to his pre-made excuses, his whining, his crying, and they didn’t play like the champions they could have been. It was probably one of those things.

The behavior of a coach has a lot to do with the behavior of a team. And I don’t mean to slight George Mason at all, because I think very highly of their basketball team, but Jim Calhoun didn’t do his own guys any favors. Obviously, his track record is beyond reproach, the last two games were not his best work.

Wow.  He must care a lot more than the rest of his teammates.I didn’t actually see the end of the game, but numerous websites sites are discussing the tears of Adam Morrison and JJ Redick today. I saw Redick cry, and didn’t think much of it. I’m sure the last four years were very special to him… it came to an end unexpectedly… a lot of people would cry in that situation. Some guys will, some guys won’t. No big thing.

But Adam Morrison… you can’t cry when you still have a chance to win. It’s a 1-point game, and there’s 2.6 seconds left… that’s the time to fight. That is not the time to cry. I feel bad for the guy, as bad as I felt for Redick or anyone else. I’m sure he was hurting, so I don’t want to be too hard on him, but, you know… if I’m an NBA scout, and a guy I’m thinking of drafting out there crying on the court when there’s still even a sliver of a chance… his stock is slipping a little bit. That’s a pretty major thing. The time to cry is after the game.

I’ve never been a huge Morrison fan… it’s nothing against his game. He’s a fine player, obviously. But his emotions have always seemed borderline weird on the court. You don’t need to flex your muscles and scream and slap the ball every single time you get an and-one against Pepperdine in a January WCC game.

And there have been some comments from opposing players saying that Morrison’s the worst trash talker in the game… a San Diego player claims Morrison told him that if a train hit (the San Diego player) and he died, that he (Morrison) wouldn’t care. That’s not trash talk. That’s just… that’s someone who’s confused about trash talk.

And, I think it’s worth mentioning… The sight of a man who can’t grow a mustache, but has attempted to do so anyway, sobbing in tears… is not a pretty thing.

© Copyright . All Rights Reserved.