And here’s why the NFL can piss us off by trying to stop Chad Johnson’s endzone celebrations, and still be confident that, while we might bitch, we’re still going to watch: they announce the first games of the schedule today, and we all start salivating like Pavlov’s dogs.

Thursday night, September 7th: Dolphins @ Steelers. Daunte Culpepper with an acquatic mammal on the side of his helmet. Defending Super Bowl champions. First glimpse at NBC’s coverage. It’s a must watch.

Sunday night, September 10th: Colts @ Giants. Eh, it’s a must watch if you like goofy pasty-white quarterbacks who share a mother and father.

Monday, September 11th: Doubleheader: Vikings @ Redskins at 7, Chargers @ Raiders 10:15. First, it’s the two teams that have been among the most active in the offseason. And then, it’s the starting debut of Phillip Rivers, and you’ll be up until about 2 a.m. watching Marty Schottenheimer try to pull his foot out of Art Shell’s ass. And it’s the debut of the Tirico/Theismann/Kornheiser team, too.

Thanksgiving day, November 23rd: Tripleheader. Dolphins @ Lions at 12:30, Bucs @ Cowboys at 4:15, Broncos @ Chiefs at 8 on the NFL Network. The NFL attempts to draw you further and further away from your family, giving you no time to breathe on Thanksgiving day.

SI.com’s On Campus section is reporting that Matt Leinart was recently spotted hanging and “canoodling” with Paris Hilton. I’m not sure what “canoodling” means, but if you do it with Paris Hilton, you should probably take a trip to the free clinic afterwards.

Now, who knows how much of this is true, or what Leinart and Paris were actually doing… but if he’s romantically involved with her at all, that’s not good news. His agent has to step in here… there’s a reason Brian Urlacher got rid of her so quickly. By the way, do they check for STDs at the combine?

I wouldn’t care if Vince Young got a negative 7 on the Wonderlic, needed a golf cart to finish his 40-yard dash, and hired Ryan Leaf as his career advisor, I’d still take him over anyone dating Paris Hilton. You just don’t want a quarterback with gonorrhea.

And if you’re Matt Leinart, why bother? There are few women aren’t earth who wouldn’t make their ass readily available to Matt Leinart if he so desired. You don’t need this. You can choose from plenty of women out there who have not made a career out of sucking cock for night-vision cameras. That seems like the better option.

I must confess to being ignorant about the accomplishments about the only man in history who has a 2006 Final Four basketball team named after him. I felt pretty safe in assuming that he was dead and white, but that was about all I knew.

So I looked it up, browed around Wikipedia and a few other places, and I put together a list of facts that you can use to impress your friends at your Final Four basketball get together. Enjoy.

• He was majory influential in getting the Bill of Rights added to the constitution. In fact, Bill of Rights itself was based on his Virginia Declaration of Rights, which he wrote earlier. The Bill of Rights is that thing with all the amendments, including the first one about freedom of speech, which is why I’m able to have this blog and say things like, “Bill Romanowski is a dirty cocksucker.”

• The reason George Mason isn’t as well known as some of our other forefathers is because he pissed off George Washington when he refused to sign the original constitution because it didn’t contain a Bill of Rights. Mason kept pissing and moaning about it after the fact until George no longer wanted to hang out with him. But George Washington didn’t even make the Sweet 16. George Mason’s in the Final Four. Scoreboard, you cherry-tree chopping son of a bitch.

• He did own slaves. Much like many of our other celebrated forefathers, we’ve named a bunch of shit after him, and he purchased black people. We might as well put some shackles and a bull-whip on the Mason jersey.

• He also argued vehemently that slaves needed to be freed, and that if the government was going to be all about liberty, then we needed to put an end to the practice of slavery. I don’t know his motivation for such arguments, but considering, you know, that he did actually own hundreds of black people, they were probably less than 100% altruistic.

• There’s a George Mason Memorial in D.C., though it isn’t nearly as popular as the giant phallus named for George Washington. The Memorial is really just a bronze George sitting on a bench with his legs crossed. Here’s a picture of it.

• Also, he was the first man in recorded history to ever give someone a Dirty Sanchez.

And if you’re really looking to impress people with your Masonly love, here are some George Mason quotes you can break out:

•”Our All is at Stake, and the little Conveniencys and Comforts of Life, when set in Competition with our Liberty, ought to be rejected not with Reluctance but with Pleasure.”

•”I begin to grow heartily tired of the etiquette and nonsense so fashionable in this city.”

•”The freedom of the press is one of the great bulwarks of liberty, and can never be restrained but by despotic governments.”

I mentioned it on Deadspin on Saturday, but I wanted to bring it up here, too… UConn can suck me. The way Jim Calhoun whined and cried during the Washington game was a disgrace. He spent the entire first half acting like the referees were all conspiring to sodomize his wife. You’ve never seen a coach bitch so much… particularly considering that they got the benefit of a bullshit missed goaltending call that might have turned the game in Washington’s favor.

And then afterwards, at the press conference, he starts complaining about having to play a “road game” against George Mason.

“I just hope we have enough time to recover. It’s going to be nice playing an away game, too. I’m really looking forward to that. That pod system is really working out to protect the 1s, right?”

Hey, maybe he was right. Maybe it was unfair to the 1-seed UConn to have to play in such a terrible environment. Maybe that was too much to ask of UConn and their six-or-more future NBA players. Or maybe the players took a cue from their coach and started listening to his pre-made excuses, his whining, his crying, and they didn’t play like the champions they could have been. It was probably one of those things.

The behavior of a coach has a lot to do with the behavior of a team. And I don’t mean to slight George Mason at all, because I think very highly of their basketball team, but Jim Calhoun didn’t do his own guys any favors. Obviously, his track record is beyond reproach, the last two games were not his best work.

I didn’t actually see the end of the game, but numerous websites sites are discussing the tears of Adam Morrison and JJ Redick today. I saw Redick cry, and didn’t think much of it. I’m sure the last four years were very special to him… it came to an end unexpectedly… a lot of people would cry in that situation. Some guys will, some guys won’t. No big thing.

But Adam Morrison… you can’t cry when you still have a chance to win. It’s a 1-point game, and there’s 2.6 seconds left… that’s the time to fight. That is not the time to cry. I feel bad for the guy, as bad as I felt for Redick or anyone else. I’m sure he was hurting, so I don’t want to be too hard on him, but, you know… if I’m an NBA scout, and a guy I’m thinking of drafting out there crying on the court when there’s still even a sliver of a chance… his stock is slipping a little bit. That’s a pretty major thing. The time to cry is after the game.

I’ve never been a huge Morrison fan… it’s nothing against his game. He’s a fine player, obviously. But his emotions have always seemed borderline weird on the court. You don’t need to flex your muscles and scream and slap the ball every single time you get an and-one against Pepperdine in a January WCC game.

And there have been some comments from opposing players saying that Morrison’s the worst trash talker in the game… a San Diego player claims Morrison told him that if a train hit (the San Diego player) and he died, that he (Morrison) wouldn’t care. That’s not trash talk. That’s just… that’s someone who’s confused about trash talk.

And, I think it’s worth mentioning… The sight of a man who can’t grow a mustache, but has attempted to do so anyway, sobbing in tears… is not a pretty thing.

Louis Orr is out at Seton Hall, after he had kind of a good year. Seton Hall was not expected to be a tournament team before the year started (or before the selection show started, actually), but they were. But Seton Hall decided they didn’t want to pay their Orr any longer.

The timing is weird, but… I dunno. I never really thought Louis Orr was that great of a coach. They’ve played some undisciplined ball… but in Louis Orr’s defense, he has to recruit from New Jersey. It’s too bad they waited this long to fire him… imagine the roster that Bob Huggins could’ve assembled at Seton Hall, recruiting kids from Trenton and Newark. It would’ve been able to frighten both UConn and the inmates at Rikers.

Because they drew a better rating than an NBA game that was on ABC at the same time… an NBA game featuring Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, no less. Rain beat the NBA’s rating by 39% and the Bay Hill Invitational by 18%. I guess the athleticism of Kobe Bryant can’t compare to the athleticism of a big fucking engine.

It just makes me concerned for the future. A live race outdrawing an NBA game makes me sad for the future… a fucking rain delay, though? If they had to race in the rain, that would be one thing. What do they show during a rain delay, though? Replays of very special left turns from years past? Barbeque tips from guys with Rusty Wallace’s signature tatooed on their shoulder? Jeff Foxworthy stand-up?

I just don’t know what’s going to happen to television. I fear a day when there’s auto racing on all three networks every weekend. It’s out of control. People are watching NASCAR rain delays and Larry the Cable Guy movies. I don’t know what to do.

ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd went on the air last night and read, almost verbatim, a post that had appeared on a blog called the M Zone, a quality sports blog focusing on Michigan in particular and college sports in general. The post was a spoof of the Wonderlic test that kinda pokes fun at some people in college football.

I’ve never heard the show before… I’d never heard of Colin Cowherd before. But just because someone e-mails you something, doesn’t make it your intellectual property. If you use someone else’s material, just acknowledge it. That’s it. It wouldn’t have been any less funny on the show if they said, “Hey, we picked this up at The M Zone.” Someone else wrote it. Someone else worked at it. You can’t have it just because you like it.

Anyway… I’d imagine the story is working out quite well for the folks at The M Zone right now. It’s become kind of a popular thing… people love reasons to make fun of ESPN, and this is a pretty big one. Hits at The M Zone have gotta be waaaay up today. Moreso than they would have been if Cowherd had simply mentioned them on the air. So congrats to them.

Liquored-up kicker Mike Vanderjagt is the newest Dallas Cowboy, signing with the team today. Vanderjagt will be replacing all seven of the Cowboys sucky kickers from last season.

Seriously, I can’t remember the least time the Dallas Cowboys had a decent kicker. Not that I’m 100% sure that they even have one now, but… at least they’re putting some effort into the position.

It’s possible that Vanderjagt’s best days are behind him. He’s 36 years old, and the last time we saw him, he was kicking with the accuracy of a drunken John Daly. Choking that badly in that big of a situation could mean… well… have you heard a lot from Jean Van De Velde recently?

So now Bill Parcells will be dealing with Terrell Owens and Mike Vanderjagt. It’s as if Jerry Jones is mad at him, for some reason, and trying to drive him into retirement. Expect the announcement of the Maurice Clarett signing very soon.

I thought about commenting on this earlier in the week, but by the time Monday rolled around, it seemed like the moment had passed… and if I had taken the time then to point out the suckiness of Tennesse’s Candace Parker’s dunk, it would have seemed just mean-spirited and sexist. And I try to hide the fact that I’m mean-spirited and sexist. Sometimes.

Anyway, I think Jason Whitlock nails it today, when he says that they kinda weren’t dunks, and even if they were… big fuckin’ deal. Not that I’m not happy for Candace Parker. She seemed excited about it, it got her some attention, it got her team some attention… that’s terrific. But do those dunks do anything for women’s college basketball? Do they do anything to make you want to watch? Are you putting up Candace Parker posters in your room because of them?

I dunno. All the glee that eminated from the women’s basketball analysts on ESPN seemed extremely starbury to me. They were patting themselves on the back for doing something sorta flashy, but something that ultimately has no impact on anything.

I could not agree with Whitlock more. To promote the dunk, to use it as an example of how great women’s basketball can be, is just dumb. “We can dunk, too!” is not a selling point. Sell the fundamentals. Sell the selfless play. Sell tits if you want to. But trying to get people to watch women’s basketball because of the dunks and athleticism… that’s like trying to get people to watch the Masters because of the cultural diversity.

In case you were wondering what it’s like to be the wife of a head coach at tournament time (and you know you were), here you go. I don’t really have much of an opinion on the subject myself, but I’ve always thought that Jim Boeheim was punching way out of his weight class with his wife Juli.

Now, that’s not the most flattering picture of her (unless you’re into teeth), but… Juli Boeheim is a fine looking older woman. I’ve got to think that would be valuable in recruiting. She’s a walking advertisement that says, “Come to Syracause and marry someone way more attractive than you are.” And it’s been working out quite well for Carmelo Anthony.

Tyrone Carter plays safety for the Steelers. He has a brother, Tank, who loves him. A lot.

Tank was scheduled to report to a Broward County prison on January 6th to do a sixth month stretch. He opted instead to not report, so he could go to the Super Bowl and watch his brother Tyrone. The judge then decided to make his sentence five years.

Tank Carter says he’d make the same decision again. I think he might want to re-evaluate that decision six months from now when he’s bent over his cellmate’s cot, has a sweatrag stuffed in his mouth, and his ass is full of Prisoner No. 8725897’s angry prison cock.

I guess it’s kinda cool what he did… I mean, I’m a family person. I think it’s worth sacrificing some things to share in moments that mean a lot of your family members. But If I have to choose between watching my brother play in the Super Bowl or spending 54 extra months in prison… hey, I’ll try to catch a boxscore or something. Sorry bro.

Those nineteen reasons would by the 19 players and recruits who were arrested under the Bob Huggins era at Cincinnati. One guy pleaded guilty to choking his girlfriend. One guy was arrested for assaulting police officers. One guy taped his roommate to a chair, burned him with a heated coat hanger, and stabbed him in the leg. But man, that guy could ball.

Anyway, Stewart Mandel makes the case against hiring Bob Huggins. He will win basketball games for you. That’s true. But he recruits exclusively from the same California Penal System that produced Rick Vaughn, his players do not graduate, and he’s a known saucebag.

But, back to the other hand… whoever ends up hiring him might also get OJ Mayo and Bill Walker, two prep studs who kinda sorta vow to go anywhere Huggins ends up.

“It could be a great thing to happen,'’ Mayo said of going to play for Huggins. “At the same time, we have to see where he ends up, what the school’s fan base is like, see what the fans think about him and make sure everything is great.'’

Everything might not be great… there’s likely to be some unhappy voices at whatever institution does end up hiring him. And unhappy voices tend to be louder than happy voices, even if outnumbered. So there’s still some hope for any other program out there that wants Mayo and Walker… two high school superstars who believe they’re NBA-ready and have sworn allegience to a criminal-recruiting boozehound.

Oh boy. The World Cup of soccer is also the World Cup of Hooligan Fuckheads, evidently. Check it out.

“We will all be in Germany and there will be Turks, Algerians and Tunisians. The Turks, we can’t stand them. In our country (Italy) there are not many, but in Germany, there are many of those guys there. They are Islamic terrorists.

“We will attack them. They are all enemies that need to be eliminated, just like the police. If we make the Roman greeting (the fascist salute) they put us in prison. We will be tens of thousands. Nothing but the English are feared.”

So, in the same thought, we’re vowing to attack and eliminate Turks, Algerians, and Tunisians… and then we accuse others of terrorism. Neo-Nazis just have no sense of irony.

Come on, fellas. Some of us are trying to like soccer. I’m trying not to be reminded every 10 seconds of crazy motherfucking hooligan behavior, alright? Don’t do this. Can’t you just stay home and beat up a Mr. T. or Lando Calrissian doll or something?

Just don’t do it. Stay home, bleach your hair again, write a column for Angry Whitey Monthly, watch Oprah and call her names all day if you feel like it… but please leave your ignorant fuck asses at home for the World Cup. There’s going to be plenty of senseless violence that is based only on soccer… and I’d like to keep it that way.