Archive for March, 2006

March22

Vinatieri’s Now A Colt. Weird.

By: the mighty mjd

I'm really trying to resist the Manning/Chesney jokes, but come on... how fucking gay does this look?Kicking indoors, on a rug… Adam Vinatieri might not miss another kick. He’s also probably about to become the first kicker ever taken in the first round of most fantasy drafts.

It’s going to be weird as hell to see that last name across the back of a royal blue jersey. In fact, it’s going to be weird just knowing that the Colts have a player on their roster who isn’t a total fucking donkey when the pressure’s on.  Also, he’s apparently into gay glamour photography.

I think it’s a great move for the Colts. Whatever they’re paying for him, it’s worth it. Hell, I think they should name him team captain. I think he should wear all three of his rings to every practice, just to remind Peyton Manning what a winner looks like.

I still do not understand why the Patriots let him go. If he wanted a little more scratch, they should have given it up. Go rent Rounders, skip ahead to the end and listen to Teddy KGB: Pay him. Pay that man his money.

If the different between what he wants, and what the club is willing to spend is even as much as $2 million… big fucking deal. Adam Vinatier’s leg has made Bob Kraft more money than a measly $2 mil a year. That leg might be the most valuable appendage in football. Adam Vinatieri’s leg is worth more than Christina Aguilera’s pussy. And it’s been seen by fewer people.

This could be the most important transaction of the off-season. I’m not saying it is, because, certainly, some great players are changing teams… Edgerrin James, Julian Peterson, LaVar Arrington, etc… but the Colts and Patriots are both going to be in the playoffs, and sooner or later, someone’s going to need a field goal. One team’s going to look to the sidelines and see a quivering, unproven, tower of nerves, and one team is going to see Adam Vinatieri and his balls of steel.

Posted in: NFL14 comments

March22

Carlos Boozer Is Suing Prince

By: the mighty mjd

Game. Blouses.Yes, you read that correctly. Utah Jazz forward Carlos Boozer is suing Prince. Yes, that Prince. I don’t know why people even bother to make shit up sometimes. Carlos Boozer is suing Prince. How much fucking imagination does a person need?

Here’s the deal. Boozer owns this giant mansion in LA, and Prince was renting it out. Pausing right there for a second, shouldn’t Prince be able to buy and sell Boozer’s candy ass? Why is he renting a house from Carlos Boozer? At $70,000 a month.

I dunno. Anyway, Prince made some alterations to the place that Boozer didn’t authorize. I guess ol’ Booz wasn’t expecting someone to run plumbing and piping to the basement to facilitate the new beauty salon chairs. I don’t know how anyone rents a house to Prince and doesn’t expect him to run new plumbing and piping to the basement to accommodate the new beauty salon chairs.

I guess Prince also painted the whole damn place purple, put up the logo for his new album (which better be an improvement upon Musicology), and installed some purple monogrammed carpet… none of which was authorized by Boozer the landlord.

I think they should just settle in a game on one-on-one. If they play to 15, and Boozer spots him 5, I’ll take Prince.

Posted in: Criminality, NBA3 comments

March22

So, This Soriano Guy Seems Like A Dick

By: the mighty mjd

Nautica, huh? Maybe you can sail your ass out to left field, bitch.Continuing to ease my way back into baseball…

At least three different times today, I heard people on TV or radio discussing the Alfonso Soriano situation and wondering who was the blame, the team or the player. Seems like an easy call to me. It’s the player.

Blaming the Nationals for not clearing it with Soriano first, before they traded for him? Why should they have to? They are his employer. It’s not like they’re asking him to squeegee windshileds in the parking lot, or paint kids faces at the county fair… it’s still baseball, right? His contract indicates that he should play baseball, and not second base, correct?

For $10 million/year, if Frank Robinson wants Alfonso Soriano to be a bullpen catcher and rub hot oil into the right arm of John Patterson, that’s exactly what he should do. He’s a player. Players have coaches. Coaches tell players what position to play. That’s how this goes.

So the Nationals are supposed to try and shovel his ass out to left field again today, and if he again refuses, they can just not pay him. I like that idea.

Posted in: Baseball9 comments

March22

Filling Quin Snyder’s Massive Shoes

By: the mighty mjd

I think his next employer should require him to wear his hair like this.What’s the big deal with the Missouri job? I don’t get it. Is there some legendary Missouri basketball history of which I am not aware? I don’t know why the job seems to be so highly sought-after. I don’t see it as a step up from Iowa or any other decent program in a BCS Conference.

Maybe they’re offering tons of cash. Maybe coaches see replacing Quin Snyder as a no-lose situation.  I dunno.

Nevertheless, rumored replacements have included Pitt’s Jamie Dixon (seems like it would be a backwards step for him), Iowa’s Steve Alford (him, too) LSU’s John Brady (him, too), Creighton’s Dana Altman (for him, it might be worth the move, and I think he’d be a great hire), and our old pal Bob Huggins.

To stick with Alford for a second… Indiana seemed like a lock. I know he’s got his critics, but what I saw of Iowa this year was very impressive. They work hard, they’re fundamentally sound, and they play excellent ball… I’ve been impressed with Iowa. The people at Indiana, apparently, have not. I guess they have their reasons.  Perhaps he still carries too much Bob Knight-related baggage.

Anyway, if I had a coaching vacancy to fill, I’d be looking to steal one of the coaches from the Missouri Valley… hire the coach from Bradley, Northern Iowa, Creighton, Missouri State, or Wichita State, and I don’t think you can go wrong.

Posted in: College Hoops5 comments

March21

Hey, Big Ups To Japan…

By: the mighty mjd

The Japanese won because their manager guided them with the same expertise that Mr. Fuji guided the Berzerker.I almost forget to congratulate the Japanese for their WBC victory last night over Cuba. Ichiro is proving himself to be Japan’s most beloved and heroic sports figure since Mr. Fuji left the WWF.

I think they had the coolest uniforms in all the tournament… the flat black batting helmets with the raised lettering on them were pretty slick. Much more likable than Cuba’s fire engine red pants. Imagine CC Sabathia in a pair of those bright red nut-huggers.. Actually, don’t. Why do baseball pants have to be so tight anyway?

I actually watched a lot of the game… which is to say that it was on, I was in the room, and whenever Jon Miller’s voice rose, I looked at the TV. That’s about as much attention as I can give baseball at the moment. I’m trying to get back into it, but it’s just too… fucking… slow.  I don’t know how a country with such a short collective attention span decided on baseball as our national pasttime.  Arena Football seems much more apt.

The WBC was a cool thing. I am firmly in support of future WBC endeavors, especially if Team USA agrees not to suck next time.

Posted in: Baseball7 comments

March21

I’m Digging Joakim Noah

By: the mighty mjd

It looks comfortable... we should probably all be wearing the damn things.One of my favorite things about the tournament thus far has been watching Florida’s weird-looking Joakim Noah. He’s got a Chris Bosh body and a Troy Polamalu haircut… and seems like a smart guy with a likable personality.

I had barely watched Florida this year, mainly because I felt the entire SEC sucked balls, and that there was no way that Florida was as good as their record. Maybe I was wrong about that (see what that looks like, Billy Packer?). They’re certainly hitting on all cylinders right now.

Anyway, I love how Noah sees the court. He doesn’t have the post-up skills of an NBA player at the moment (though he does have a nice spin move), of course, and he needs to get bigger if he wants to bang inside at the next level… but he sees the court extremely well, he’s got a nice touch around the basket, he plays aggressively, blocks shots, and he’s got a good feel for the game. I think he’d make the ideal Phoenix Sun.

And he wears a big blue dress sometimes. Any man with the courage to leave the house like that… deserves some respect. He also blew a kiss at the UW-Milwaukee band at the end of the last game… they had been shit-talking him all game long, and he responded by torching the Panthers and blowing a kiss at the band. Hard not to like that.

Florida/Georgetown is the late game on Friday.

Posted in: College Hoops13 comments

March21

Terrell Owens Gets A Book Deal

By: the mighty mjd

To be a douchebag, or not to be a douchebag... I think you know what the fuck I chose.Coming in July: “Ineligible Receiver: The Real Story of My Journey from the Super Bowl to the Sidelines,” by Terrell Owens. Through my various media contacts, I’ve been able to acquire a list of chapters for the upcoming book:

1. I could play basketball in Greece if I wanted.
2. GodDAMN! My abs are sweet.
3. Jeff Garcia has sex with men. Gross.
4. I wonder why Jeff Garcia never wanted to do me. Strange.
5. People who like me: Drew Rosenhaus, Michael Irvin, and… um…
6. Cooler than you’d think: Masturbating on front of a mirror.
7. I will whoop your ass, Hugh Douglas.
8. My favorite recipes.
9. Hey, I’m just as fucking sick of Sal Paolantonio as you are.
10. Donovan McNabb is a Klansman in blackface.
11. If Andy Reid died, I wouldn’t cry.

Simon & Schuster executive David Rosenthal said, “Finally, the real T.O. story can be told. It’s an important chapter in the long-term struggle for players’ rights in the NFL.”

Easy, dude. It’s Terrell Owens, not Harriet Tubman. This is not a tale of a great American freedom fighter or something. It’s an asshole wideout. Like him or not, he is not an historic figure. He does not need a book to get his message out. It’s not like he’s been hurting for media coverage.

John Rocker and Terrell Owens are both authoring books… I just find it difficult to accept that. I am of the opinion that there’s not enough paper in the world for jagoffs like these to be publishing books. Tonight, I weep for the written word.

Posted in: Media, NFL5 comments

March21

Condoleezza Rice Does Not Want To Be The NFL’s Commissioner

By: the mighty mjd

Looks more like a linebacker than a commissioner.And that’s not a headline I ever thought I’d be writing. In related news, Henry Winkler does not want to be the Bears’ long snapper, and Joey Buttafuoco has no interest in defending Shaq in the lowpost.

But I guess there were reasons for the Condoleezza rumors. She’s talked in the past of her love for football and her desire to one day run the league. And with Paul Tagliabue retiring yesterday, it became a topic of conversation.

“She thinks football is the greatest sport on earth, but even if she were approached for the job — which she has not been — she would have to decline,” State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said.

And then he added, “at the moment.” And if this administration has proven anything, it’s that you can take them at their word.

And while Clayton Bigsby doesn’t like the idea, Patriots owner Bob Kraft is behind it. “I think Condoleezza Rice would be great. I’d invest in any company she’d be running,” Kraft told reporters while attending a Boston Celtics game Monday night.

I guess it would be better to have her as commissioner of the NFL than in her current position.

Posted in: NFL6 comments

March21

One Of The Bigger Meltdowns In Golf History

By: the mighty mjd

Greg Owen should consider adopting this look permanently.It didn’t seem to get a lot of attention – mainly because it involves golfers named Greg Owen and Rod Pampling – but what Owen did was positively brutal.

He had never won before on tour, he was playing great golf, he seemed to have it wrapped up… he had a three shot lead with two holes to play. But on 17, he lipped out a 10-footer for par, leaving him with 40 inches for bogey, and still a two-stroke lead. His next putt did not touch the cup. He rushed to the next two-footer, and lipped it out. Ooooomph.

The list of things that are gone:

• His first tournament win
• An invite to the Masters
• $396,000
• Any reputation he was hoping to build
• All self-esteem

I hurt for the man. I hope he finds a way to win next week at The Players Championship. But if he does come to 17 on Sunday with a lead… well… the 17th this weekend will be an island green that has historically caused people to shiver in terror. It could be ugly.

Best of luck to Greg Owen. Really.

Posted in: Golf2 comments

March20

They Ball In the MVC

By: the mighty mjd

There lived a young man, Cinderfella's his name / To make it interesting it's me, Dana DaneI kinda harped on it yesterday on Deadspin, but I want to do it here, too… Bradley and Wichita State are very good basketball teams. It’s not a fluke that they’ve advanced this far. They’ve been the better team in the games they’ve played.

They’ve been well-prepared, disciplined, and as athletic as they need to be. They play defense, they take good shots, they run their offenses… they’re not intimidated, and they play like they expect to win. I’ve enjoyed watching them.

It’s a little bit of a shame, in fact, that their coaches are likely to be leaving… I haven’t heard any rumors or anything, but that’s how it goes. Coaches accomplish a lot at a smaller school, and then they move on to bigger schools. That’s how it goes. I kinda wish all the MVC coaches could stay in place, build their programs for 5-10 years and just see how good they can get.

I don’t mean to slight the other CinderFella, but I haven’t seen as much of George Mason… I have a feeling they’re losing to Wichita State, though. Various other tournament thoughts…

  1. UConn hasn’t been all that impressive. It’s like, for some reason, they can’t get things hitting on all cylinders. A team with their talent should beat Kentucky a lot worse than they actually did.
  2. I think Pitt’s Carl Krauser could best be described as a younger, angrier, Stephon Marbury.
  3. Memphis looks like a team that can do some damage. Bucknell’s no pushover, Memphis just ran through them like Ron Jeremy plowing through a 38-year-old skank in a cheerleader outfit. Their athleticism is going to be difficult for any team to deal with.
  4. Florida vs. Georgetown should be a very good game… I think both teams are playing at a very high level.

Posted in: College Hoops18 comments

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