Archive for April 25th, 2006

April25

More Freaky, Bizarre, Lacrosse Action

By: the mighty mjd

These are lacrosse gloves. I hope that's not what they used.This one… is a doozy. Police are investigating an incident involving a possible hazing/sexual assault incident that went down on a high school lacrosse team in Ohio. According to a police report, older players on a team, while a coach was holding him down, put on a glove and jammed their fingers into the ass of a younger player.

Said the attorney representing one of the coaches, “It’s horseplay. It’s guys being guys.”

Um, no. That’s not guys being guys. That is sexual assault. Listen, I’m a guy. I know a lot of guys… and never have I wanted to fingerblast the asshole of another guy. And even if I were gay, I’m pretty sure I would never be sitting on a bus and thinking, “It sure would be nice to forcefully ram my digits into that guy’s anus.” It just doesn’t come up in my daily conversations. This is not something that people do.

The head coach wrote an e-mail to the JV coach about the incident, and had a couple of interesting things to say. Number one:

“That is what baffles us,” he wrote. “If this was such a big problem, why didn’t (the player) say something then to the other coaches?”

This might just be a weird quirk of mine, but when I’m sexually assaulted by older men, I have a tendency to clam up. Especially when they’re all sitting around me. I just don’t feel like talking right then. To me, that’s a time to reflect on how I was just molested and if I can ever feel like a whole human being again. But that’s just me. I don’t feel like talking when I’m sexually assaulted on a bus… I’m weird like that. But hey, everyone reacts differently when lacrosse players put on a glove and violate their rectum. We all have our own way of dealing with that.

Onto another interesting part of the e-mail:

“It was so light-hearted that the kids broke into the coaches’ (hotel) room that night and retaliated with a glove on. Everyone thought that was funny!”

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Not everyone thinks its funny, coach. I don’t think it’s funny. You can count me among those who don’t think it’s funny when a coach creates a culture on a high school sports team where it’s acceptable, amusing, or funny for players to go around putting their fingers into teammates and coaches asses.

I don’t know what all has to go wrong in your life before you think it’s OK that a group of high school kids just broke into your hotel room and attempted to fist you. I don’t know how someone gets to that point. That’s not normal behavior. That’s something that happens in maximum-security prison showers when there are no guards around on the day that the fresh fish have arrived.

If there’s any truth to this whatsoever, these coaches can’t be allowed around kids ever again.

Now, I want to be sure to point out that I’m not saying that all lacrosse players are fucked up… there are weirdly homoerotic hazing incidents that go down in plenty of other high school sports. But it certainly not been a happy month for the reputation of the sport of lacrosse.

Posted in: Criminality, Dickheads17 comments

April25

Coach(es) Of The Year

By: the mighty mjd

I would proudly display this poster in my home.The NBA’s Coach of the Year award is a lot like the MVP award, in that no one knows exactly what the criteria are, and that it usually could go to a number of different guys. The Coach of the Year this year is Avery Johnson of the Dallas Mavericks.

Sure, that’s a good choice. Taking a team that won a lot of games, but still wasn’t close to being anything that could be considered a title defender, and making them into a team with a legitimate shot… that’s an accomplishment. He’s given the Mavs a backbone.

So, sure, AJ deserves it. That’s fine. I’ve got no quarrel with the Little General taking home the hardware. But there are other guys who, in the absence of any set criteria, deserved it just as much. All of the following could’ve elicited a similar “Sure, that’s a decent choice” response:

Mike D’Antoni, Phoenix Suns. This probably would’ve been my choice. I feel like it’s Mike D’Antoni’s system that makes the Suns such a threat, night-in, night-out. Boris Diaw did not go from Josh Childress’s towel boy to a triple-double threat because Boris Diaw got that much better. He made that leap because Mike D’Antoni put him in a position to succeed, and no other coach in the NBA, not one of them, would’ve thought to do it.

Mike Dunleavy, Los Angeles Clippers. The Clippers are almost certainly going to win a playoff series, a possibility that would’ve been considered laughable for the last, oh, 20 years or so. In fact, I’d be surprised if they don’t get to the conference finals.

Flip Saunders, Detroit Pistons. Well, he won 64 games. That’s not a bad total.

Phil Jackson, Los Angeles Lakers. Well, no Lakers have been on trial for rape this year, so that’s progress. The Lakers didn’t make the playoffs last year with a pretty similar roster… this year, they were the lower-seed that no one really wanted to play. If he turns Kwame Brown into a player next year (and it looks like he’s going to), then Phil will warrant consideration again.

Gregg Popovich, San Antonio Spurs. The Spurs did just what they were supposed to do, but… that’s no small thing. The man is just a great coach. There’s no way he shouldn’t be on this list every year. Maybe he didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, but… you know, he’s still great.

Larry Brown, New York Knicks. Because he didn’t go on a multi-state killing spree.

Posted in: NBA5 comments

April25

NFL Applies Stiff Arm To Ricky

By: the mighty mjd

I hope Ricky spends his newfound free time shooting a reality show. There's no way that wouldn't be awesome.I just find it sad. Ricky Williams won’t be playing football in 2006. His earned the suspension after violating the league’s substance abuse policy this off-season, and his appeal was shot down.

So no football for Ricky. There are two ways to look at it… Number one, I don’t feel like it would’ve hurt the NFL, hurt anyone in the NFL, or hurt Ricky to play football this year. His positive test was reportedly not for marijuana, the drug for which he had previously tested positive. He probably ingested some crazy herbal supplement that had something in it that he wasn’t aware of. He could be cut a break.

But on the other hand, you know… there is a policy in place, and it’s the responsibility of the player to know what’s on that list, and what’s in the things he puts into his body. The rules were made clear to him, he agreed to abide by them, and those rules were broken. Perhaps not knowingly or maliciously, but… broken nonetheless.

If it was me, and I was handing down the ruling… Ricky would be playing. But I certainly see the other side of it, too. I do hope the decision wasn’t made out of any spitefulness that the league may have over embarrassment that Ricky might’ve caused the league.

Posted in: NFL8 comments

April25

Football Players Who Are Not Dickheads

By: the mighty mjd

That doesn't look safe.Thankfully, there are football players out there who can provide a contract to Ricky Manning Jr. A group of players on the Centralia High School football team in Illinois were unloading tires from a truck when they heard a man screaming for help. The guy was working on his truck, and it fell off the jack and landed on his chest. The Centralia fellas sprung into action and lifted the truck off of him.

Congratulations to them for being good guys… Ricky Manning Jr. would’ve ran over there, hopped in the truck, put it in reverse, backed over the guy a few times… before getting out, picking up the jack and dropping it on the guy’s balls.

So it’s nice to have that contrast. The guys from Centralia not only saved a man’s life, but helped to restore a little bit of faith in the football players of the world. Also, the name of their school is one of the few words that rhymes with “Genitalia,” so they’ve also got that going for them.

Posted in: Nice People4 comments

April25

Douche Back

By: the mighty mjd

Favre displays his ability to count to 10.Brett Favre has told the Packers that he’ll be returning for his 814th season in the NFL, according to ESPN’s Chris Mortensen. You can all feel free to go ahead with your lives now. Brett said it was OK.

So, that leaves the Packers about 80 hours to plan their draft strategy. I hope the Packers trade Javon Walker on draft day, for a first round pick… next year. But that’s just how I would handle things. The Packers organization might not have the same desire I do to say “Hey, fuck you, pal, enjoy your year without receivers and an offensive line” to Brett Favre.

Favre has a press conference schedules for tomorrow afternoon to announce that he’s not yet sure what brand of oil he should put in riding lawnmower.

Posted in: Dickheads, NFL7 comments

© Copyright . All Rights Reserved.