This one… is a doozy. Police are investigating an incident involving a possible hazing/sexual assault incident that went down on a high school lacrosse team in Ohio. According to a police report, older players on a team, while a coach was holding him down, put on a glove and jammed their fingers into the ass of a younger player.
Said the attorney representing one of the coaches, “It’s horseplay. It’s guys being guys.”
Um, no. That’s not guys being guys. That is sexual assault. Listen, I’m a guy. I know a lot of guys… and never have I wanted to fingerblast the asshole of another guy. And even if I were gay, I’m pretty sure I would never be sitting on a bus and thinking, “It sure would be nice to forcefully ram my digits into that guy’s anus.” It just doesn’t come up in my daily conversations. This is not something that people do.
The head coach wrote an e-mail to the JV coach about the incident, and had a couple of interesting things to say. Number one:
“That is what baffles us,” he wrote. “If this was such a big problem, why didn’t (the player) say something then to the other coaches?”
This might just be a weird quirk of mine, but when I’m sexually assaulted by older men, I have a tendency to clam up. Especially when they’re all sitting around me. I just don’t feel like talking right then. To me, that’s a time to reflect on how I was just molested and if I can ever feel like a whole human being again. But that’s just me. I don’t feel like talking when I’m sexually assaulted on a bus… I’m weird like that. But hey, everyone reacts differently when lacrosse players put on a glove and violate their rectum. We all have our own way of dealing with that.
Onto another interesting part of the e-mail:
“It was so light-hearted that the kids broke into the coaches’ (hotel) room that night and retaliated with a glove on. Everyone thought that was funny!”
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Not everyone thinks its funny, coach. I don’t think it’s funny. You can count me among those who don’t think it’s funny when a coach creates a culture on a high school sports team where it’s acceptable, amusing, or funny for players to go around putting their fingers into teammates and coaches asses.
I don’t know what all has to go wrong in your life before you think it’s OK that a group of high school kids just broke into your hotel room and attempted to fist you. I don’t know how someone gets to that point. That’s not normal behavior. That’s something that happens in maximum-security prison showers when there are no guards around on the day that the fresh fish have arrived.
If there’s any truth to this whatsoever, these coaches can’t be allowed around kids ever again.
Now, I want to be sure to point out that I’m not saying that all lacrosse players are fucked up… there are weirdly homoerotic hazing incidents that go down in plenty of other high school sports. But it certainly not been a happy month for the reputation of the sport of lacrosse.
The Big Picutre
you sure the coach wasn’t a priest? (ugh. that was cheap).
April 26, 2006 at 12:56 am
the everyday joe
Your response was easily the funniest shit I’ve ever read here.
But I’m in full agreement — what kind of jitbags think it is funny to insert anything into another man’s bung? They need a lacrosse stick or whatever the hell it is called shoved into their butts as punishment.
April 26, 2006 at 1:04 am
adam s
How soon before Dublin Coffman High Lacrosse gear starts outselling Duke Lacrosse gear on eBay?
April 26, 2006 at 10:30 am
Sarcastro
I picture of cartman saying “I made the varsity lacrosse team and all I got was a lousy finger in my butthole.”
April 26, 2006 at 11:04 am
HuangKong
I hear Duke was in town recruiting.
April 26, 2006 at 11:43 am
Jamie Mottram
Horrifying story, MJD, but you handle it quite well here. Also, the term “fingerblast” is highly amusing.
April 26, 2006 at 1:24 pm
seamus
America is finally discovering lacrosse.
April 26, 2006 at 5:48 pm
Dublin sucks
I live in a city near Dublin, and let me say that Dublin is the worst. It’s full of rich kids who drive BMWs and think theyre the shit. So I say, good, screw Dublin.
April 26, 2006 at 11:53 pm
tony
Completely semi-random note… Dublin Coffman HS is the alma mater of Brady and/or Chris Quinn of Notre Dame football and/or basketball fame. (I’m pretty sure they both went there and are unrelated, but for some reason I’m drawing a blank on Brady at the moment.)
April 27, 2006 at 12:13 am
Mr Furious
Nice rant, MJD. Good mix of serious rage and laugh-out-loud. A tough line to walk.
April 27, 2006 at 1:26 pm
Benny
I’m having problems now sitting comfortably.
April 27, 2006 at 2:51 pm
deringer
I always thought sodomy was a pretty common hazing ritual. Just behind skullfucking. In fact, just google “hazing” and “sodomy” the next time you’re at a public library.
At least they weren’t fucking goats: http://www.local6.com/education/7151219/detail.html.
April 27, 2006 at 8:35 pm
BobZilla
On a different note, there seems to be a ton of anal probing incidents to do with contact sports – football, lacrosse, rugby (eg. http://www.abc.net.au/lateline/archives/LatelineMonthIndex2001_March2001.htm –scroll down to “field of shame”)…I am beginning to wonder – does contact sports lead to other things… like MORE contact?
April 27, 2006 at 8:35 pm
profiled
Reminds me of a guy in highschool who told me the last ditch wrestling move, when all else fails.
Check the oil.
Yuck.
April 28, 2006 at 4:36 pm
now_a_hoo
I never played the sport, but I did go to college with a lot of people from lacrosse-heavy areas (LI, MD in particular). The hazing stories you’d hear were pretty disturbing. Sodomy by stick, defecation in helmets, and crazy stuff like that. It sounded like it was pretty widespread.
April 28, 2006 at 7:29 pm
TruthTeller
It was not a fellow player who allegedly committed this heinous crime. It was allegedly the assistant coach. A volunteer coach allegedly held down this boy while the assistant coach allegedly assaulted the teen. Since when does hazing involve coaches? Adults entrusted to watch over and take care of high school kids allegedly became the very monsters that they were entrusted to protect these kids from.
May 2, 2006 at 6:14 pm
Comment
Truthteller is correct. It was not a fellow player who committed the act, it was the assistant coach who (allegedly)committed the act and the volunteer assistant coach who (allegedly) held the boy down. All Coaches of the Varsity team have been dismissed and volunteers are stepping in to keep the season rolling for the players. The head coach was (allegedly) on the bus during the incident and did nothing to stop the act. What a tragedy for all of the boys on the bus trip. And I agree with your comments, while they were put in a funny light, they were very well put.
May 4, 2006 at 1:04 pm