Archive for May, 2006

May31

Kevin McHale Is Delusional

By: the mighty mjd

Look, he's going to kill himself.Timberwolves General Manager Kevin McHale thinks that the Minnesota Timberwolves aren’t far away from being a championship contender. And I might be a little more inclined to agree with him, if the team had a general manager. But they don’t. That position remains vacant. They have admirably filled the position of Retired Power Forward Who Does Nothing But Hurt The Franchise And Anyone Who Cares About It, though.

So McHale has evidently promised the Wolves owner that he won’t be trading Kevin Garnett… which just infuriates me. We, as basketball fans, deserve to see Kevin Garnett in the playoffs on a regular basis, and for more than just 4 or 5 games. Now, certainly, there are arguments to be had on just how great KG is or isn’t, about if he’s a leader, or great in the clutch, etc… but it just can’t be argued that he’s not in the Top 5 in the NBA on pure skills alone. He deserves a team around him. And we deserve to see what that might be like.

I feel very strongly about this. Kevin McHale has had his chance. He has proved himself incapable of building a decent roster for the Minnesota Timberwolves. He got it right for exactly one year and the Wolves advanced to the Conference Finals. A year after that, things were back to normal, i.e., hopeless. He’s been with the Wolves for 11 years. He’s had one or two years that could be termed successful. I’m not saying he should be fired… but you know, if some rich prick teenager gets to drive his father’s Jaguar, and every time he drives it, he either wrecks it, gets it towed, or pours sugar in the gas tank, eventually, his father will take the Jaguar away. Kevin McHale should be forced to relinquish his jaguar. Kevin Garnett should be liberated.

Posted in: NBA16 comments

May31

Suns 2, Mavs 2

By: the mighty mjd

Nash: Have you seen Marion’s jumpshot? It looks like he’s trying to shove a canteloupe into Manute Bol’s ass.
Bell: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Marion: I don’t think that’s so goddamn funny.

Gigantic win for the Suns last night… they needed that one, and Raja Bell was pretty big for them. He wasn’t expected to play, but he gave it a go, and you could see how they missed him. I thought the biggest thing was that Leandro Barbosa was back to playing his normal game, instead of having to fill the Raja Bell role. Bell could hang out on the perimeter, which opens up more space inside for penetration and things of that nature.

And defensively, he’s big for them, too. He really makes the whole team better defensively. He draws offensive fouls (with an extensive arsenal of flops, grabs, dives, and holds, I might add), and the Suns don’t need to double team as much when he’s out there. The Mavs had a poor shooting night (42% to Phoenix’s 54%), but they didn’t have a lot of great looks, either. Phoenix was all over the court defensively. It didn’t seem like the Mavs had a lot of shots anywhere near the tin… and Dirk Nowitzki in particular had a really off night. They can’t win if Dirk shoots like that again.

A great big Game 5 is Thursday night in Dallas.

Posted in: NBA3 comments

May31

Marbury Intends To Die a Dic– er, Knick.

By: the mighty mjd

And what an absolute blessing for the Knickerbockers. What tremendous joy they must feel in knowing that their infectious plague wants to stay forever. Awesome.

“I want to be a Knick, I want to die a Knick. If I ever was to be cremated, I’d want my ashes sprinkled on top of the Garden. Playing here has always been my dream. I want to be in New York more than any place.

“I hope that every player on this team comes back next season. I honestly mean that. Every player. I think we have a great team. I think it will be so much different next year.”

Well, hell… lets make him the GM, too. Clearly, he’s got a handle on things. All that needs to happen in New York is for Starbury to go back to being Starbury, and for the entire overpaid, underproductive, poor attitude roster to return. That’s a recipe for success if I’ve ever heard one. You should all probably play in church shoes, blindfolded, and while being attacked by rabid pit bulls, as well. That’s the only possible thing that could improve that miraculous recipe.

My guess is that the immortal Starbury stays, and Larry Brown goes. And the Knicks will probably improve next year under a different coach. Not that Larry Brown isn’t a good coach, certainly, but if they’d have had no coach at all, they’d have had a better record this year. If any jack-ass went in there and said, “Hey, you know what, just run like hell and shoot the ball like crazy,” the Knicks would’ve had a better record… but no real chance at becoming anything. Larry Brown, on the other hand, tried to teach them things that this particular roster just isn’t capable of learning, and they spent the whole year confused. With that, at least there was a chance for legitimate growth and improvement, even if it would be rough in the beginning.

Anyway, conveniently enough for Starbury, he’s pretty much untradable. Even if they wanted to get rid of him, they probably couldn’t. Of course, he’ll choose to see it as, “They love me, and they believe in the power of Starbury,” much like he honestly believes that he’s the best point guard in the NBA.

Posted in: NBA, Uncategorized3 comments

May31

Gilbert Arenas Claims Innocence

By: the mighty mjd

I guess there’s a huge “Memorial Day celebration” in Miami Beach every year, also called Urban Beach Weekend. And it sounds like the Miami Police were putting in some overtime… they made 856 arrests in Miami Beach over the weekend, most of them for misdemeanor things like disobeying a cop, public alcohol consumption, etc.

Anyway, Gilbert Arenas and Wizards teammate Awvee Storey were among those who felt the handcuffs on some trifling “disobeying the police” charges. At the time the following quote was attributed to Gilbert:

“You can’t arrest me. I’m a basketball player. I play for the Washington Wizards and I’m not going to leave my teammate.”

Yeah, I have my doubts that he said that. Of course, I don’t know what happened… but that just doesn’t sound like something that Gilbert Arenas would say. That doesn’t sound like something that anyone would say. Gilbert’s just never struck me as that kind of guy.

But for a police officer, the beauty of it is, anytime you arrest an athlete, they can say that they went with the “Do you know who I am?” routine, and people will believe it, because it fits the stereotype of professional athletes. And again, I don’t know what happened… perhaps Arenas and Storey both deserved to be arrested, or perhaps the cops were just arresting anyone for damn near anything this weekend. I do believe, however, that a cop or someone along the line completely made up that quote that was attributed to Arenas.

Posted in: Criminality, NBA11 comments

May31

It’s Cool When Things End In ‘X’

By: the mighty mjd


I’m not comfortable with this. It’s just my own personal preference, and I’m probably about to sound like a crotchety old man, but… Rox? Really? Is that necessary? Is it that much more difficult to type the extra two characters and call them the Rocks? Who’s writing the headlines for the AP now, Sal Masekela?

That’s all I have to say about it. I mean, I understand that this is not the Rockies are not a franchise steeped in tradition, but at the same time, this isn’t the WNBA, either. This is not Arena Football. This is not the X Games. I guess I’m just not extreme enough for this newfangled phonetic craze.

Posted in: Baseball, Media2 comments

May30

Scott Sauerbeck Tries The Old “Hiding In The Bushes” Routine

By: the mighty mjd

I’m not sure if he just dove behind some bushes, or if he went with the tried-and-true cartoon method of holding a bush in front of you, and tiptoeing along when no one’s looking… but Cleveland Indians pitcher Scott Sauerbeck was in fact arrested early Tuesday after police found him hiding in some bushes.

Sauerbeck was drunk, and apparently, so was the lady who was driving his car. They were weaving in traffic, and were pulled over. They pulled into a driveway, and Sauerbeck and his female companion got out, jumped a fence, and hid behind some bushes. The cops were not fooled by their clever and elaborate ruse.

And, as Deadspin touched on earlier today… why does every jack-ass in Ohio have a mustache? Check out Sauerbeck’s flavor saver there. That thing is gross. He should be arrested for having that mustache alone. I hope that in addition to the charges of obstructing official business and permitting someone intoxicated to drive his vehicle, that police charged him with felony upper lip obscenity.

Posted in: Baseball, Criminality6 comments

May30

Disgrace To Commentary Calls Ricky Williams “Disgrace To The Game”

By: the mighty mjd

Ouch.Joe Theismann went on the radio and called Ricky Williams a “disgrace to the game,” and said he didn’t deserve a chance to continue playing football. Here’s Joe, who’s been blessing us with his opinions on Sunday nights for quite some time.

“I don’t ever want to be mentioned in the same breath as Ricky Williams as a football player. He’s a disgrace to the game. The man doesn’t deserve to play football. He should go on with his life and treat his drug addictions or go do whatever he wants to do. He’s been suspended from the National Football League on multiple occasions. Doesn’t anybody have any class anywhere?

No, it really doesn’t seem like it, does it, Joe? I find it odd that Theismann never once mentioned the Dolphins and their lack of class. They’ve employed Ricky, they insist that he returns to the team immediately upon the end of the Canadian season. But yeah, go after Ricky, go after the Argonauts… there’s no risk there.

And you know, when Theismann played in the ’80s… drugs weren’t a little bit of a problem, then? There weren’t a few players on steroids? The guy who helped end Theismann’s career, Lawrence Taylor, didn’t dabble in the narcotics a little bit? And Joe doesn’t have a word for them. Just Ricky.

Update, and it’s a good one: Joe Theismann’s son, in 2002, was arrested on in a South Bend hotel and charged with “four felony counts of dealing and possession of cocaine, two counts of maintaining a common nuisance and a misdemeanor count of possessing drug paraphernalia.” My kudos to Lushfactor.com for digging this up…

So, Joe… does Joe Jr. get another chance? Or do you never wanted to be mentioned in the same breath with him, either?

Posted in: NFL8 comments

May30

I Hope Brian Trottier Buys One…

By: the mighty mjd

For those of you who loved the clip as much as I did, you can now celebrate with the commemorative t-shirt. The same design is available on a thong, as well, for female readers… or male readers with unusual habits. And just so you know, I didn’t mark the price up at all… it’s not possible for me to make any money. I just thought the world would benefit from the existence of this shirt, much as it has benefited from the existence of this clip:

Posted in: Hockey7 comments

May30

Saying Goodbye to Ironhead

By: the mighty mjd

ESPN.com’s Len Pasquarelli turned in, in my opinion, the best written remembrance of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward. It’s honest, emotional, amusing, and doesn’t attempt to hide anything. And it gives you a better sense of who Ironhead was, when really, most people just know him as that huge running back from Pitt who did the Zest commercial and was never as good in the NFL as he should’ve been.

So if you have a chance, check out the column. Here’s my favorite bit, about how he actually brought Brian Bosworth to tears on the football field…

Hebert also recalled the time, during a game in 1988, when Heyward hit Seattle linebacker and alleged tough guy Brian Bosworth so hard he made him cry. According to Hebert, then-Saints coach Jim Mora called the same off-tackle play six straight times, with Heyward as the lead blocker. “After about the third time,” Hebert said, “Bosworth was crying. Honest. Tears were rolling down his face, because he didn’t want Ironhead to hit him anymore. He cried ‘Uncle!’ for real. Ironhead, he just laughed at him.”

Posted in: NFL, Sad3 comments

May30

Ronaldo Extends Middle Finger To MLS

By: the mighty mjd

The New York Red Bulls reportedly offered Ronaldo $120 million to ply his trade in MLS. He politely declined. Here’s his agent…

“A transfer to the United States right now would not make sense,” Farah said. “He still has several challenges in European soccer.”

Rough translation: “Awww, that’s really cute, MLS. Tell you what… I’ll get back to you in four or five years, though, when I’ve lost a step or two or five, and then I’ll take your $120 million. But for right now, I’m going to continue with the real soccer. But if I develop a major drug habit or lose a limb or just start sucking at soccer, I’ll give you a call.”

Ronaldo, who plays for Real Madrid, spent most of this year injured, and scored just five goals in nineteen games, so, you know… it might be coming sooner than later. He’s also on the Brazilian national team… and here’s a crazy stat that I was not aware of: Ronaldo has played 97 games with the Brazilian national team. With him in the lineup, they’ve lost eight times.

Apparently, if the offer did was in fact extended, MLS has adopted the Beckham rule, which would allow each team to sign one player outside of the league’s salary cap. Right now, the cap for each team is $1.6 million, and unless that Ronaldo contract was for 75 years, the rule is a go. We’ll see if they can get anyone to take their money. I hear Pele’s available.

Oh, and here’s some Ronaldo sickness for you… set to some truly terrible music.

Posted in: Soccer7 comments

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