Archive for May 17th, 2006

May17

Joey Porter Lacks Steven Colbert’s Balls

By: the mighty mjd

Remember all that noise Joey Porter was talking about how he had something to say to the President? About how he wanted some money back, and about how he had some things to say? Not so much, as it turns out…

“I regret that my quotes about our team’s upcoming visit to the White House were taken out of context,” Porter said in a statement issued by the team. “I am very excited to have an opportunity to visit the White House and meet the president of the United States.”

Oh, well… I guess people took your quote out of context. Just for comparison’s sake, let’s revisit the original quote…

During the Steelers’ minicamp last weekend, Porter was smiling and laughing when he told reporters he had “something to say to Bush” during the Super Bowl champions’ June 2 visit to the White House.

“I’m going to have a swagger when I walk in there, too,” Porter said. “I’m looking forward to it but, like I said, I have something to tell him, too. I don’t like the way things are running right now. I feel like he’s got to give me some of my money back, so I got something to tell to Bush.”

Yeah, it’s easy to see how something like that got taken out of context. It’s not Joey’s fault for saying something he didn’t think through, it’s our fault for taking his eloquent words out of context. I know it doesn’t seem like it’s possible, but the quote about mouthing off to the president actually came in the middle of a lengthy Shakespeare reading that Joey was conducting. The shortsighted media just didn’t get it.

The irony is that Joey Porter is one of the few men on the planet who would probably make a worse choice for president than George W. Bush. If you think the war in Iraq is a problem, you really wouldn’t have liked the war on Canada that Joey would’ve started the first time someone told him that Tim Horton’s had better donuts than Dunkin’ Donuts.

I’m not sure if the secret service paid Joey a little visit, or if one of the Rooneys just pulled him aside and said, “Hey, try not to fucking embarrass us at the white house.” Either way, Joey’s suddenly not as tough as he was a few days ago.

And here’s the Colbert thing, if you don’t know what I’m referring to.

Posted in: NFL13 comments

May17

Why The Pistons Suck

By: the mighty mjd

They make themselves easy to guard. The Pistons offense right now bears no resemblance to their offense from 2004 or 2005. It’s a fairly typical NBA offense. In the past, the Pistons had been the best in the league at getting into their sets, executing them to perfection, and somewhere along the way, ending up with a great look. Now, it’s a lot of individual play. That’s not the same as saying it’s selfish… it’s just pretty standard NBA fare. It seems like they’ll decide, “Okay, we’ll have Chauncey go to the basket,” or “We’ll feed Rasheed in the post,” and we’ll just let guys create off of that.

The end result is that they take a lot of shots that Larry Brown would’ve never tolerated. Just once in Game Five did they run a set where they moved the ball, made the extra pass, and got themselves a wide open dunk. In 2004 and 2005, it happened regularly. It was a more disciplined, efficient team then. Now, they settle for a lot of contested looks. You can get away with that in the regular season, because their talent dictates that they can, and in the regular season, no one’s really trying that hard. When the intensity’s turned up, though, things are different. And the effect of all of this is that unless they’re hitting shots from the outside, they’re a very average offensive team.

2) They’re not getting easy baskets. I can’t remember one fast break lay-up that the Pistons got… it may have happened, but if it did, it was a rare occasion. They’re not creating turnovers, blocking shots, and creating run-outs. And credit Cleveland for this, too… they’re taking good care of the ball. Eric Snow’s an underrated player, and they rarely make any risky passes. If they turn the ball over, it’s usually because LeBron hit someone with a pass who wasn’t ready for it.

And Kenny Smith made this point last night… the effort isn’t the same on defense as it used to be, because the Pistons think their path to victory is now through offense. Defense isn’t the same calling card it used to be. No one took a shot in the paint against the Pistons in the last couple of years without a swarm of arms in their face… and it seems pretty commonplace for the Cavs to just non-chalantly hit a little put-back shot here and there. That never used to happen.

So, to sum up… they’re not as good offensively as they once were (though they think they are), nor are they as good defensively. That’s usually not a good route to take… most of the time when an NBA GM calls me up and asks for advice and says, “Hey, should we get worse on both offense and defense,” I usually say no. Flip Saunders and I have a philosophical disagreement on that one.

The Pistons are not playing like the disciplined, defensive, intelligent group that earned them the reputation they’ve enjoyed up until now. But now, they’re playing like any old NBA team that’s coached by an average, run-of-the-mill head coach. Things run a lot smoother and easier with Flip. Sometimes, this is what smoother and easier gets you. Let’s call New York, offer to pay half of the $40 million, buy Larry Brown out, and pretend like the whole thing never happened.

And before wrapping up this post, let me apologize to Cavs fans for not crediting your team. I don’t intend to slight anyone, it’s just not how I watch Detroit games. I’m a Pistons fan, I watch them… no slight intended to the Cavs, they’re just not the subject of this post… this frustrated and emotional post. I’m going to go kick a dog.

Posted in: NBA14 comments

May17

Barcelona/Arsenal LiveBlog…

By: the mighty mjd

88:12. This thing is over… and we’re wrapping up the LiveBlog. If Arsenal comes back and scores a miracle goal, I’ll feel pretty silly, but I don’t think there’s any point in hanging around.

87:30. Barca’s pretty good at “You can’t have the ball” mode.

83:56. And Barcelona’s gone into “You can’t have the ball” mode. And I don’t think Arsenal really wants it, either. They look like Oliver Miller after trying to guard Steve Nash for an entire game. Some tired fellas out there.

81:10. Someone who’s last name ends in “etti” puts one right through the goalie’s five-hole for the go-ahead goal. Quite an entertaining game… man, I bet that Arsenal goalie who got red-carded feels like a prick right about now. That last goal was certainly preventable. If it goes between your wickets, you could’ve prevented it.

80:01. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL!

80:01. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL!

80:01. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL!

80:01. Barcelona seems to be gathering all the momentum after their goal and OOOOOOOHHHHH!

76:43. Big Sammy Eto’o of Cameroon gets the equalizer for Barca after a nifty little pass… and you can go straight to hell, Marcelo Balboa. Cut your hair, too.

72:57. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL!

72:57. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL!

72:57. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL!

72:53. Marcelo Balboa is calling for a Barcelona player to get a yellow card because he took a dive in an attempt to get a free kick… right after Arsenal scored after their dive, Balboa praised the guy for doing it. Oh, okay. That’s not contradictory at all. Hypocritical bastard. I think he has money on Arsenal.

68:40. Thierry Henry very nearly doubles Arsenal’s lead… great save by Victor Valdez. Seemed like he really should’ve scored there. I would’ve. On FIFA ’06.

62:29. Man, Arsenal is getting a lot of chances for a team with 10 guys. This has to be frustrating as hell for Barcelona. The last few good chances have all been for Arsenal.

61:06. You know, I think MLS should make an effort to hire all British or Scottish commentators… it just makes soccer seem more soccer-y. I hate it when they let Marcelo Balboa chime in with his opinions… it’s like they’re just forcing him in, so us simple-minded Americans will feel more comfortable with this crazy jungle game.

56:11. Ronaldinho fails to convert again… little disappointed with my boy today.

55:10. Alright, I missed like the first 10 minutes of the 2nd half… but we’re back just in time for this Ronaldinho free kick…

45:00. And we’re going to halftime, 1-0 Arsenal. Back soon…

45:00. Oh, man… Big Sammy Eto’o of Cameroon drills one off the post after a nice reverse spin move on Sol Campbell. Great chance. That would’ve been sweet (the goaltender actually made the save, as we see later on the replay).

40:45. The commentator describes Barcelona as, “looking for a foothold on the latter to recovery.” You don’t hear a lot of that from Terry Bradshaw.

40:41. Ashley Cole tackles someone hard, and tries to walk away… but the Barca guy grabs Cole’s shorts and lifts himself up by them. I like that. “Fine, if you’re going to tackle me, I’m going to tug on your shorts and they will be wrinkled for the rest of the game. HA!”

36:54. Sol Campbell scores on a header… a beautiful little header. The side with 10 men is now leading… which should have Barcelona questioning their own manhood. The dive pays off… so much for jogaing bonita. Diving pussbag. Fuck Arsenal.

36:54. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALL!

36:54. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALL!

36:54. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALL!

36:35. And a big fat Vlade Divac-dive gets Arsenal a free kick from just outside the box…

33:04. Hey, this game sucks now… Arsenal’s down a guy, so they’re just kicking back and playing defense. Barca’s controlling the ball, but not really getting it close to the net. Give Barcelona their goal, and let Arsenal have their guy back, and let’s do it that way.

27:24. Great play by Ashley Cole to get the ball away from Giuly in the box…

25:44. And we’ve got our first injury-faker/big pussy… some guy from Barca is lying on the ground like he was just attacked by a hall of fame running back, because he brought his ex-wife’s sunglasses to her… I hate this. You’re not hurt, man. No one’s buying it

24:52. Apparently, ESPN2 is having some problems with their HD feed. Not that I have HD… the commentator guy just apologized to all the viewers watching in the U.S. All 7 of us accept your apology.

21:45. And Eboue gets a yellow card… he just kinda kicked a guy in the upper thigh. Arsenal’s losing their shit a little bit.

20:40. And Ronaldinho just misses the little free kick from inside the box… I like how he makes the ball go all curvy.

19:07. Ooooh, drama. Barcelona gets loose with a long-ball, and they score… but it was nullified because Arsenal’s goalie came out and yanked a guy down by the ankle. He got a red card, and he’s done. Now the back-up goalie has to get dressed, and Arsenal is down a player. They’re on the power play for the rest of the game. But the downside is… you know, that goal would’ve been nice.

14:36. Guy just kicked the ball really high.

9:18. Thierry Henry is pointing at his face, as if to say, “Look at me… soccer superstars can have normal teeth.

7:32. Barca’s Eto’o creates a chance for Ronaldinho with a cross from the corner… Chompers couldn’t get any wood on it, though.

4:11. Barcelona may wanna shape up that defense… the commentator just called them “sixes and sevens.” I think that’s British for “pussies.”

2:35. Arsenal’s Eboue gets a nice ball into Thierry Henry… who had a point blank chance, but was denied by the keeper in green. Just a minute later out of the corner, Henry launches from outside the box and is again denied… nice. That’s how we start a game.

0:04. Hey, we’re underway. Barca calls a quick timeout so Ronaldinho can eat an apple through a chain-link fence.

0:00. SAY HELLO TO LJUNGBERG FOR ME!

0:00. Dammit. No day-glo Barca jerseys. Here are the intros, where all the players march out, side by side, each holding hands with a kid. But the Barca guys are with kids in Arsenal jerseys… and I’m a little bit afraid that the Barca goalie is going to eat his kid. The NFL would probably have a similar tradition, but really, what parent would trust Ray Lewis around their kid?

0:00. Now we’ve got a big black sheet with a bunch of white numbers on it covering the field, being carried by the fruits in white. By the way, I’ve never called anyone a fruit before in my life? Is that OK? No, it’s probably not OK, is it… I’m sorry.

0:00. I hope Barcelona’s wearing those day-glo yellow/greenish jerseys. Those things are sweet. Not enough teams take the field in flourescent colors.

0:00. A punk-rock, whorish version of Snow White is dancing, a 70-year-old Fabio is hanging from some cords, and men dressed completely in white are dancing around like fruits. The Beautiful Game, indeed.

But first, a quick FAQ…

But MJD, you know shit about soccer, right?

Accurate.

So we can expect to gain no real knowledge about soccer from your LiveBlog?

Again, accurate.

So why do it?

I’ve felt a very strong desire to make fun of Ronaldinho’s teeth.

God dammit, I hate soccer.

I know you do, and that’s OK. I used to be just like you. But there might be something here for you, anyway, because I’m not going to bore you with, you know… the tactical strategy of the middle back when the offense runs the counter wing zone shuffle counter kick-the-ball-really-hard play. I don’t know what any of that means. Hell, it probably doesn’t exist. So you don’t have to worry about that.

Alright, fine. Tell me why I should care about this game.

Well, I really like this Ronaldinho character. He definitely jogas bonita. I think, even if you hate soccer, you can appreciate this guy… his feet are as magical as Jessica Alba’s ass. Arsenal and Barcelona are thought of, at least to my limited knowledge, as not only two of the world’s best teams, but also the most entertaining. They’re fluid, creative, offensive… and since it’s a one game, 90-minute affair, I doubt either of them will just sit back and play boring defensive soccer. It’ll be a fun game… and it’s a game important enough that several European people are likely to get stabbed to death.

I still don’t care.

Suck me. I’m doing it anyway. I’ll be updating periodically…

Posted in: Soccer8 comments

May17

Joe DiMaggio Doesn’t Sound Like A Happy Guy

By: the mighty mjd

Joltin’ Joe used to write notes to himself about how to deal with his sometimes lady-friend, Marilyn Monroe… these do not sounds like the words of a man who is ecstatic to be with his wife. His notes included the following…

• Don’t ever be critical
• Be nice to her friends
• No jealousy. Remember this is not your wife. She is a fine girl and remember how unhappy you made her. Happiness is what you strive for — for HER
• Remember how lonesome and unhappy you are – especially without her

Ouch. So, he’s just normally a lonesome and unhappy guy, but even moreso when Marilyn isn’t around. Not a pretty picture… imagine how long that 56-game hit streak could’ve been if Joe wasn’t a miserable bastard. It’s too bad that he didn’t come up in the days of Dr. Phil and sports psychiatrists. I feel like he should’ve been calling Doug and Jackie Christie for relationship advice.

Anyway, a bunch of Joe DiMaggio/Marilyn Monroe stuff is going up for auction in New York. Some love letters are expected to grab about $20,000… and his home uniform from his last World Series in 1951 is expected to go for $200,000 – $300,000. I expect that these aunctions will be won by Walter Gaskell, whose dog was murdered by James Leer.

Posted in: Baseball, Sad1 comments

May17

Justin Gatlin Shafted

By: the mighty mjd

As it turns out, there is not a new world record in the 100m. Justin Gatlin has supposedly broken it last week in Qatar, coming in a hundredth of a second better than the previous mark.

Unfortunately for him, the guy who was holding the stopwatch is an asshole. His time was actually 9.766 seconds, and was supposed to have been rounded up to 9.77. I don’t know how you screw something like that up… rounding to the nearest decimal was something I always thought was pretty easy. You’d think the track people would’ve been prepared for such an event. Damn the Qatar educational system.

So after Gatlin celebrated his accomplishment, did the talk show tour, and was proclaimed the world’s fastest human… all before getting a call yesterday saying, “Um, oops.” That couldn’t have felt good. I’d guess that walls were punched and things were thrown in the Gatlin household last night… if he has children or pets, they were probably beaten for no reason.

Posted in: Sports in General1 comments

May17

A Letter From Steve Nash’s Cat

By: the mighty mjd

We don’t have a lot of guest writers here on themightymjd.com, but today, we’ve got a special treat. Steve Nash’s cat wrote in to get some things off his chest. He had some things to share…

Hey guys. My name is Ikztiwon, but you can call me Iky for short. Everyone else does. See, my name is Nowitzki spelled backwards. I think Steve really misses Dirk. I feel bad for Steve sometimes, except when he makes me put on a little custom-made Nowitzki jersey, and run around the yard with him doing the pick-and-roll. If I run really hard at the basket, Steve gives me a treat. Like I said, I think Steve really misses Dirk.

But I don’t. Dirk’s a really nice guy and everything, but I got tired of him picking me up and telling me to meow in German. Cats in Germany meow the same way, Dirk. And I think you know that, but you also think that telling me to meow in German is really funny. I wish Steve would stop laughing at it so much. I think he’s just being nice. That really was only funny the first time, Dirk. I also wish you would stop eating out of my bowl when you come over.

But Steve likes you, so I don’t really mind too much. Steve’s a really good owner. He’s a real nice guy. But there are some things I’d like to talk to him about.

Steve, when you’re giving me a treat, you can just hand it to me. Set it in front of me. Put it in my mouth. Either of those would be fine. Really, you don’t have to run in the opposite direction and whip it at me from behind your back. They’re really delicious and everything, and I appreciate it, but sometimes, I get tired of Whiskas Temptations Cat Treats pegging me in the face. I can’t catch, Steve. I have paws. I’m not Boris Diaw, so please stop treating me like Boris Diaw.

And yes, we both know that you can fool me everytime when you no-look pass me the ball of yarn. I don’t know why you keep doing it. We cats are easily-fooled. It’s not that impressive. Everytime you look at the window and throw me the ball, it surprises me, and I flinch, and I look like a big pussy. Can you stop this? I’ll still go along with it and act like you’re a really cool guy when you bring a lady home, but when it’s just us, really, let me play with my own yarn.

Also, Steve, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I could really use a haircut. Come on. Look at me. I know you don’t really like to groom yourself, but I’m a cat. I need a little maintenance. Please don’t push your anti-grooming views on me. There’s a nest of worker bees living in my fur, because it hasn’t been trimmed since that one time Mark Cuban got drunk shaved “MFFL” into my fur. I’m serious here. A trip to the groomer is long overdue. If you want to let your own hair go, that’s fine. But I need some help here. I can live with you naming me after a German power forward, but I can’t live with hair that prevents me from actually seeing.

And just one last thing, can you stop licking your hands before you pet me? I see you do this a lot on TV, too. It’s kind of gross, Steve. I already have problems with my fur, as we’ve already discussed. I don’t need it to be saturated with your spit, too. Just let me lick myself, please.

That’s all. Have a good day everyone.

Posted in: Letters from Pets10 comments

May17

Can Little Dougie Go All The Way To Canton?

By: the mighty mjd

On the question of whether or not Doug Flutie belongs in the Hall of Fame, most people seem to be saying no. But, you know, it is the Pro Football Hall of Fame. It’s not the NFL Hall of Fame. And Little Dougie did win six Canadian Football League MVP awards.

I’d like to see it happen, but… I don’t really feel strongly enough about it to go to the trouble of making the argument for him. If he was in, he would certainly be the worst QB in there (unless someone enshrined Rob Johnson as a joke), and the Canadian Football League is clearly an inferior league. I get all that. I understand why he’s not going to be there.

But I’m not sure there shouldn’t be some sort of a little Canadian section in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Doesn’t Cooperstown have a little display honoring the women about whom “A League of Their Own” was made? If Dottie and Kit can get in a hall, then so can Doug Flutie. Maybe not with a full bronze bust, like everyone else… maybe just a little bobblehead. Or one of those little plastic electronic football guys painted like Dougie. Something.

I guess I just don’t want to live in a world where a man with the character, the determination, the ability, the resilience, and a beautiful cascading mullet like the one seen above (picture courtesy of Deadspin.com and Boston.com), doesn’t get some kind of career recognition.

Posted in: NFL3 comments

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