Archive for May 25th, 2006

May25

Protecting The Fragile Emotions Of Connecticut High School Football Players

By: the mighty mjd

Connecticut high school football coaches are facing a suspension if they win a game by more than 50 points next season. They say the rule isn’t aimed at any one guy, but… there is one particular dickhead who was calling timeouts en route to a 60-0 win last year. The opposing coach was arrested after punching an assistant coach on the winning team.

I do think that coaches who run up the score are quite loathesome, and they might deserve to have someone egg their house or slash their tires… but I don’t know about this rule. I think high school is about the age where we have to stop worrying about protecting feelings. But I may be the wrong guy to ask… I don’t have kids, and I am of the opinion that it’s absurd that they don’t keep score in T-ball. I think if you’re old enough to play sports, you’re old enough to learn about both sides of the ass-whooping.

And I just don’t know if this rule is going to prevent anything harmful. If it’s me, I’d rather lose 70-0, as opposed to losing 49-0 while the other team has to intentionally run backwards every third play, just so they don’t care. The former would anger and humiliate me. The latter would force me to incite a brawl.

If they wanted to institute a mercy rule, where the game ends when one team takes a 40-point lead or something, that would be preferable. But they’re setting themselves up for some awkward and contentious situations with this one.

Sometimes, a team’s 3rd-string, their absolute worst players, are better than some other team’s best players. It happens. You can send all your scrubs out, put the waterboy in, put the managers in, but if the other team can’t tackle them, they can’t tackle them. That’s how it goes sometimes. Ask Temple.

Posted in: Sports in General11 comments

May25

A Letter From Flip Saunders’ Turtle

By: the mighty mjd

Heeeeeeey guys. My name’s Joe. What’s your name? I sure do like turtle food. What do you like? Ohhhh. That’s great. I like you. I think we can be friends.

I have another friend named Flip. He’s my owner. He’s a really great guy. Flip doesn’t like to talk very much or do very much, but it sure is fun to be his turtle. It’s a reeeal relaxed environment here. Flip never tells anyone what to do, and I like that.

See, this one time, Flip asked me to move to the other side of my terrarium, but I didn’t. I just layed there and checked out my shell in my reflection in the glass. I got a really nice shell, so I didn’t want to do what Flip politely asked of me. I just stayed where I was. Flip shrugged and stuck out his jaw a little but. He didn’t do nuthin’. We’re still bestest friends, me and Flip. And that’s what’s important. Flip’s my buddy.

And there was this other time, too. Back when we lived in Minnesota, some kids broke into the house and painted “YOU SUCK FLIP” on my shell. I think they were mad at Flip about something. Who could ever be mad at such a fantastic guy? One of the boys said something about “always losing in the playoffs.” I wasn’t sure what they were talkin’ about, but they seemed awful mad. They said “This is for KG!” and they started the painting. Flip got up in the morning and saw my shell, and he just went back to bed. Didn’t even wash it off. I think he was tired. I think he deserves a good night’s sleep. He’s an awful nice guy, Flip.

But sometimes, I wish Flip would do and say more things. Please don’t tell him I said that, because Flip always says the most important thing is just that everyone is happy and quiet. But there was this one time when Manuel (that’s Flip’s German Shepherd, and he sure is nice) came in the house and started jumping around all crazy and stuff, and he knocked my terrarium over. I fell on the carpet, and Manuel picked me up in his mouth and almost ate me. Flip watched the whoooole thing happen. Manuel was about to kill and eat me, and Flip stood up, folded his arms, looked sternly at Manuel, and then went and made himself some french toast.

But that’s Flip for you. Sometimes, he just doesn’t care what’s going on around him. I think maybe deep down, Flip was scared that if he did yell at Manuel, Manuel would just get mad at him. Or maybe Flip really didn’t know what to say to Manuel. Maybe he really didn’t notice. I’m not sure. I ended up just peeing in Manuel’s mouth and he dropped me. Then the maid put me back in my terrarium and Manuel went and stole the french toast right out of Flip’s mouth. I suuuure do like the maid. She’s my friend.

Posted in: Letters from Pets, NBA10 comments

May25

Suns 1, Mavs 0

By: the mighty mjd

This series is going to be, to borrow a word from the player formerly known as Rasheed Wallace, bananas. All conventional basketball wisdom is pretty much worthless. To watch this series intently and figure out what’s going on almost requires one to learn a whole new sport… it’s just so different. This series is to basketball what pornography is to the film industry… it’s a new direction, and might not be conventional or pure, but you’re not going to look away, either.

This was EJ’s Neat-o Stat of the Night, and it’s about all you need to know: There were 47 total layups in the game. 47. That is a staggering number… particularly for a conference final playoff game. Each team got about 6 lay-ups per quarter. I don’t even know how to make sense of that. It’s like an NFL conference championship game where each team scores 8 touchdowns on 40-yard touchdown passes. Bananas indeed.

I actually felt like Dallas played it pretty well last night. I thought Game One would be the hardest for them, and Phoenix did come out and make an early run. But Dallas got used to the tempo, they took better shots, they picked their spots to run, and started to get back on defense. They controlled the game for a while, eventually wiping out Phoenix’s lead and extending to a 9-point lead of their own. But that’s Phoenix… you can’t let the foot off their throat, or they’ll end up scoring 42 points in about 8 seconds.

If for nothing else, you’ve gotta give credit for sticking to their guns. Adjusting is just not an option. If they’re going to make an adjustment, they’re going to go from running like hell to running like a motherfucker who’s face is on fire. And if the Mavs are able to slow things down, which I think they did pretty well, then it’s nearly exclusively pick-and-roll, mostly with Steve Nash. The defense will switch, they’ll get a big on Nash, or a small on Tim Thomas or Boris Diaw, and then they can get what they want. This is where the Mavs will miss Josh Howard, if he can’t get back anytime soon.

But Dallas can get any shot they want, too. I don’t think it comes as any great surprise that Phoenix did not come out last night and play lockdown defense. And if Raja Bell’s going to miss any time… oh man. Scoring records could be in jeopardy. I suppose I’m still pretty confident in the Mavs to win the series, but I don’t think Phoenix is done winning, either. At least once a series, they have one of those games where they just shoot the lights out and really can’t be beat. It’ll be entertaining. A regular scoring orgy.

Posted in: NBA5 comments

May25

Bernardini Sitting This One Out

By: the mighty mjd

The winning horse that everyone ignored because another horse broke his ankle is sitting out the Preakness, the third leg of the triple crown. All three triple crown events will have different winners, and none of them will be able to read.

Dubai’s Sheik Mohammed, who operates Darley Stud, made the decision to rest Bernardini.

“We feel that he climbed the ladder of competition quite quickly,” said James G. Bell of Darley Stable. “We believe he deserves a break.”

A break? From what, running a lap around a track on three consecutive Saturdays? Yeah, don’t push it. Don’t be a hero. Obviously, horses are athletes, but even the world’s greatest athletes don’t push their bodies that far. For me, the list of the greatest endurance athletes of all time goes something like 1) Lance Armstrong, 2) Bernardini, and 3) Screw everyone else.

I think what we have here is a case of “Hey, we have a winner here, and we saw what happened to Barbaro, and we’re not going to risk an injury, having the horse put to sleep, and not being able to cash in on any of his million-dollar semen.” They can just take the horse right now, put him out to stud, sell his future horse children for hundreds of thousands of dollars, and cash in with each of his gigantic horse semen blasts. Ah, the purity of horse racing.

And while we’re on the subject, I’m just wondering… you know, a fast horse gets put out to stud, he reproduces, and they sell the horse kids for a lot of money, but… what if the horse is gay? What if he doesn’t want to have sex with girl horses? What then? Sorry, sparky, but it’s off to the Elmer’s factory. It seems to me that the world of horse racing is very exclusionary of gay horses. I will stand for it no longer.

I think you should go here, by the way.

Posted in: Things That Aren't Sports9 comments

May25

On Mark Cuban

By: the mighty mjd

Whether or not Dallas goes on to win the Western Conference, or the championship, it’s time to give Mark Cuban a hell of a lot of credit. If you’re a fan of a team that’s not very good, or a team that’s swimming along in mediocrity… your franchise couldn’t get better news than Mark Cuban buying it.

Thank about the Mavs before Cubes bought them… what comes to mind? For me… not much. I’ve got green uniforms and Roy Tarpley. Not much else. Maybe a young Jason Kidd. But now they’re one of the most dynamic, exciting, franchises in sports… even before Avery Johnson, even before they became a more well-rounded team, even when they were cruising along in softcake mode, they were still interesting. They were better. They were notable. And it was just a matter of time before they evolved to the point where they are now.

It all leads back to Cuban. You may have some issues with the guy, and that’s fine. I’m usually the last person to ever criticize someone else’s wardrobe, because I prefer to dress like a homeless man, but… the Mavericks football jerseys and the “MFFL” t-shirts have got to go. I don’t think I would’ve considered either of those past the fourth grade. I don’t care that he’s on the bench, or in the locker room, or that he bitches about officials, or anything else… the t-shirt pictured above is what bothers me. It is not 1991. Also, he uses the smiley faces when he types. That bothers me, too. :(

But, yeah… you may never think of him in the same way that you think of the Rooney family in Pittsburgh, but… as an owner, you could do, and probably are doing, a hell of a lot worse. Basketball fans in Dallas should hang portraits of the guy above their fireplaces.

Posted in: NBA5 comments

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