Heeeeeeey guys. My name’s Joe. What’s your name? I sure do like turtle food. What do you like? Ohhhh. That’s great. I like you. I think we can be friends.
I have another friend named Flip. He’s my owner. He’s a really great guy. Flip doesn’t like to talk very much or do very much, but it sure is fun to be his turtle. It’s a reeeal relaxed environment here. Flip never tells anyone what to do, and I like that.
See, this one time, Flip asked me to move to the other side of my terrarium, but I didn’t. I just layed there and checked out my shell in my reflection in the glass. I got a really nice shell, so I didn’t want to do what Flip politely asked of me. I just stayed where I was. Flip shrugged and stuck out his jaw a little but. He didn’t do nuthin’. We’re still bestest friends, me and Flip. And that’s what’s important. Flip’s my buddy.
And there was this other time, too. Back when we lived in Minnesota, some kids broke into the house and painted “YOU SUCK FLIP” on my shell. I think they were mad at Flip about something. Who could ever be mad at such a fantastic guy? One of the boys said something about “always losing in the playoffs.” I wasn’t sure what they were talkin’ about, but they seemed awful mad. They said “This is for KG!” and they started the painting. Flip got up in the morning and saw my shell, and he just went back to bed. Didn’t even wash it off. I think he was tired. I think he deserves a good night’s sleep. He’s an awful nice guy, Flip.
But sometimes, I wish Flip would do and say more things. Please don’t tell him I said that, because Flip always says the most important thing is just that everyone is happy and quiet. But there was this one time when Manuel (that’s Flip’s German Shepherd, and he sure is nice) came in the house and started jumping around all crazy and stuff, and he knocked my terrarium over. I fell on the carpet, and Manuel picked me up in his mouth and almost ate me. Flip watched the whoooole thing happen. Manuel was about to kill and eat me, and Flip stood up, folded his arms, looked sternly at Manuel, and then went and made himself some french toast.
But that’s Flip for you. Sometimes, he just doesn’t care what’s going on around him. I think maybe deep down, Flip was scared that if he did yell at Manuel, Manuel would just get mad at him. Or maybe Flip really didn’t know what to say to Manuel. Maybe he really didn’t notice. I’m not sure. I ended up just peeing in Manuel’s mouth and he dropped me. Then the maid put me back in my terrarium and Manuel went and stole the french toast right out of Flip’s mouth. I suuuure do like the maid. She’s my friend.
DookieStyle
You are demented.
May 25, 2006 at 10:13 am
DaveR
This just in….. Kevin McHale packages Ricky Davis, Rashad McCants, Eddie Griffin, and Troy Hudson, plus the T-wolves’ 1st round pick in 2008, 2nd round picks in 2007 and 2008, and $400,000 for Flip Saunders’ turtle, a 1st round pick in 2245, and the rights to Joe Smith. Flip’s Turtle Joe immediately signed to 4-year veteran max contract, with a no-trade poison pill kicker.
McHale was unavailable for comment, since it was “clean my 1986 championship ring” day at the McHale household.
May 25, 2006 at 10:18 am
DaveR
Also, I think Flip Saunders’ Turtle is currently the leading candidate to be the next GM of the Boston Bruins.
May 25, 2006 at 10:20 am
farlane
Sorry Dave. You must have missed news of Isiah Thomas’s dramatic 11th hour deal to trade Channing Frye, Nate Robinson, six barrels of Human Growth Hormone and every Knicks draft pick “Until the Seas boil away and the mountains are Red with the Despair of Ten Generations of Knicks fans” to acquire Turtle Joe PLUS rights to any future disgruntled point guards that may trouble Saunders.
May 25, 2006 at 11:02 am
postmanR
This ‘letters from pets’ running category MJD just started is the funniest thing in all of blogdom. I suggest doing one a day from here to eternity.
May 25, 2006 at 12:18 pm
The Big Picture
the turtle would fuck up Nash’s cat.
May 25, 2006 at 1:51 pm
Ahereeum
I wish Flip would do something too! Like tell that guy impersenating Rasheed Wallace to TAKE IT TO THE RACK FOOL!! If I see “Sheed” settle for a missed feild goal as he shoots over his defender I may have to chuck this fucking turtle at my TV. Damn, I mean we get on Dirk for being soft in the paint…he looks like Vanilla Thunder compared with “Sheed”. Man up and get home court back sucka!
May 25, 2006 at 3:46 pm
BoSox Siobhan
Could we combine two of my passions from MJD and have an “advice column from pets” category?
May 25, 2006 at 3:55 pm
Jimbo Mercy
Peeling back the psychological layers of sexy house animals one at a time…
May 25, 2006 at 10:43 pm
Jacques Bauer
5000 years from now when we are all plant food the turts will still be roaming the earth–so this is a small piece of history
May 26, 2006 at 11:35 pm