Archive for May 30th, 2006

May30

Scott Sauerbeck Tries The Old “Hiding In The Bushes” Routine

By: the mighty mjd

I’m not sure if he just dove behind some bushes, or if he went with the tried-and-true cartoon method of holding a bush in front of you, and tiptoeing along when no one’s looking… but Cleveland Indians pitcher Scott Sauerbeck was in fact arrested early Tuesday after police found him hiding in some bushes.

Sauerbeck was drunk, and apparently, so was the lady who was driving his car. They were weaving in traffic, and were pulled over. They pulled into a driveway, and Sauerbeck and his female companion got out, jumped a fence, and hid behind some bushes. The cops were not fooled by their clever and elaborate ruse.

And, as Deadspin touched on earlier today… why does every jack-ass in Ohio have a mustache? Check out Sauerbeck’s flavor saver there. That thing is gross. He should be arrested for having that mustache alone. I hope that in addition to the charges of obstructing official business and permitting someone intoxicated to drive his vehicle, that police charged him with felony upper lip obscenity.

Posted in: Baseball, Criminality6 comments

May30

Disgrace To Commentary Calls Ricky Williams “Disgrace To The Game”

By: the mighty mjd

Ouch.Joe Theismann went on the radio and called Ricky Williams a “disgrace to the game,” and said he didn’t deserve a chance to continue playing football. Here’s Joe, who’s been blessing us with his opinions on Sunday nights for quite some time.

“I don’t ever want to be mentioned in the same breath as Ricky Williams as a football player. He’s a disgrace to the game. The man doesn’t deserve to play football. He should go on with his life and treat his drug addictions or go do whatever he wants to do. He’s been suspended from the National Football League on multiple occasions. Doesn’t anybody have any class anywhere?

No, it really doesn’t seem like it, does it, Joe? I find it odd that Theismann never once mentioned the Dolphins and their lack of class. They’ve employed Ricky, they insist that he returns to the team immediately upon the end of the Canadian season. But yeah, go after Ricky, go after the Argonauts… there’s no risk there.

And you know, when Theismann played in the ’80s… drugs weren’t a little bit of a problem, then? There weren’t a few players on steroids? The guy who helped end Theismann’s career, Lawrence Taylor, didn’t dabble in the narcotics a little bit? And Joe doesn’t have a word for them. Just Ricky.

Update, and it’s a good one: Joe Theismann’s son, in 2002, was arrested on in a South Bend hotel and charged with “four felony counts of dealing and possession of cocaine, two counts of maintaining a common nuisance and a misdemeanor count of possessing drug paraphernalia.” My kudos to Lushfactor.com for digging this up…

So, Joe… does Joe Jr. get another chance? Or do you never wanted to be mentioned in the same breath with him, either?

Posted in: NFL8 comments

May30

I Hope Brian Trottier Buys One…

By: the mighty mjd

For those of you who loved the clip as much as I did, you can now celebrate with the commemorative t-shirt. The same design is available on a thong, as well, for female readers… or male readers with unusual habits. And just so you know, I didn’t mark the price up at all… it’s not possible for me to make any money. I just thought the world would benefit from the existence of this shirt, much as it has benefited from the existence of this clip:

Posted in: Hockey7 comments

May30

Saying Goodbye to Ironhead

By: the mighty mjd

ESPN.com’s Len Pasquarelli turned in, in my opinion, the best written remembrance of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward. It’s honest, emotional, amusing, and doesn’t attempt to hide anything. And it gives you a better sense of who Ironhead was, when really, most people just know him as that huge running back from Pitt who did the Zest commercial and was never as good in the NFL as he should’ve been.

So if you have a chance, check out the column. Here’s my favorite bit, about how he actually brought Brian Bosworth to tears on the football field…

Hebert also recalled the time, during a game in 1988, when Heyward hit Seattle linebacker and alleged tough guy Brian Bosworth so hard he made him cry. According to Hebert, then-Saints coach Jim Mora called the same off-tackle play six straight times, with Heyward as the lead blocker. “After about the third time,” Hebert said, “Bosworth was crying. Honest. Tears were rolling down his face, because he didn’t want Ironhead to hit him anymore. He cried ‘Uncle!’ for real. Ironhead, he just laughed at him.”

Posted in: NFL, Sad3 comments

May30

Ronaldo Extends Middle Finger To MLS

By: the mighty mjd

The New York Red Bulls reportedly offered Ronaldo $120 million to ply his trade in MLS. He politely declined. Here’s his agent…

“A transfer to the United States right now would not make sense,” Farah said. “He still has several challenges in European soccer.”

Rough translation: “Awww, that’s really cute, MLS. Tell you what… I’ll get back to you in four or five years, though, when I’ve lost a step or two or five, and then I’ll take your $120 million. But for right now, I’m going to continue with the real soccer. But if I develop a major drug habit or lose a limb or just start sucking at soccer, I’ll give you a call.”

Ronaldo, who plays for Real Madrid, spent most of this year injured, and scored just five goals in nineteen games, so, you know… it might be coming sooner than later. He’s also on the Brazilian national team… and here’s a crazy stat that I was not aware of: Ronaldo has played 97 games with the Brazilian national team. With him in the lineup, they’ve lost eight times.

Apparently, if the offer did was in fact extended, MLS has adopted the Beckham rule, which would allow each team to sign one player outside of the league’s salary cap. Right now, the cap for each team is $1.6 million, and unless that Ronaldo contract was for 75 years, the rule is a go. We’ll see if they can get anyone to take their money. I hear Pele’s available.

Oh, and here’s some Ronaldo sickness for you… set to some truly terrible music.

Posted in: Soccer7 comments

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