Nice work over at The Sports Frog, calling out Hornets owner George Shinn, for doing the same thing Saints owner Tom Benson did, and turning his back on the city of New Orleans. Shinn’s probably even worse than Benson… he doesn’t just want to leave, he’s hammering to city itself.

“Shinn said he has received positive feedback about Oklahoma City from employees, who have said ‘they’ve got a great school system, the place is very clean and the people are very nice. In New Orleans, you’ve got high crime, you’ve got a bad educational system. Because of all the tourists, it’s hard to keep the city clean. It’s just hard. It’s entirely two different markets,’ Shinn said. ‘They couldn’t survive without tourists. The whole city is built on it, and you’re not. You’re built to draw people that want to grow families. And a couple things impressed me, I’m a person of faith and I love this country. I’ve seen more flag-wavers here (Oklahoma City) and more people that are God-fearing than any part of the country.”

Well, certainly, if a city has a lot of people with American flags on their car, and they all fear the angry and spiteful Creator, then yeah… that’s where you need to be. Because those people, without fail, are the best people on planet earth, and they deserve basketball.

It’s just disgusting. If you didn’t like New Orleans, dickbag, why did you move there to begin with? Were there not enough flag-wavers and Bible-thumpers for you in Charlotte? Too many people there who believe in evolution? Not enough gun racks? Or maybe the people in Charlotte and New Orleans believe in those crazy religions where kidnapping and sexual assault are wrong.

Just dispicable. Thank you for making the impending Chris Paul era impossible to enjoy. Dick.

“We are all witnessin’ somethin’. We’re witnessin’ an asskickin’.”
- Charles Barkley

Not really a lot to say about this one. The one positive for the Cavs is that they were able to make the game somewhat close at the end, which will hopefully build a little confidence for them in Game Three. The other good news is that they’ve got a few days to rest, change up the gameplan, find different ways to get LeBron involved… The bad news is that none of that is going to matter, because they still have to play the Detroit Pistons, and they aren’t good enough to beat them.

Petra Nemcova, a supermodel who survived the giant Tsunami in Asia by clinging to a tree, attended the Kentucky Derby this past weekend. Also in attendance was sucky Baltimore Ravens QB Kyle Boller… Boller, who evidently has much more game in this situation than he does on the football field, got her number, and was sitting with her the next day.

My compliments to Kyle Boller. Petra Nemcova is as beautiful as Kyle Boller is terrible. That’s an amazing pull. And I’m thinking this may be the last opportunity I ever have to compliment Kyle Boller, so… I wanted to take advantage.

The report comes from the New York Post (via Ben Maller). He also reportedly invited her to come watch him play a game in Baltimore… and I guess if she survived the Tsunami, she should be able to get through a Ravens game, though I don’t know why anyone would want to put her though another traumatic experience so soon.

Miami was beaten senseless last night by the Nets, losing 100-88 in a game that wasn’t as close as the final score would indicate. The Heat did make a little bit of a run late, but the outcome was never really in doubt. New Jersey started shooting hot early in the game, and they didn’t look back.

The bad news for the Nets is that Richard Jefferson sprained his ankle, and the Nets really can’t do without him. One thing they aren’t is deep. For example, they had a player get 16 minutes tonight, who I’ve never fucking heard of. Seriously. I follow the NBA pretty closely, and I have no idea who the fuck John Thomas is.

Anyway, if Jefferson is out, that brings LaMond Murray into the starting line-up… which is not good. With RJ in, however, the Nets can do a lot of things to make the Heat uncomfortable. They can penetrate, which is something Miami can’t stop. And if they can collapse the defense and move the ball back out, and they’re hitting their jumpers… the Heat are in trouble. Of course, they’re not always going to shoot as well as they did tonight, but they’re going to keep getting the looks.

I like what Nenad Krstic can do, too. He hits jumpers, and he can drag Shaq/Alonzo Mourning out away from the basket. And a lot of times last night, Miami brought Shaq out on a double team, and Vince Carter just beat the double-team easily anyway. It’s going to be very difficult for the Heat to find a way to keep Shaq out of foul trouble without opening up a free lane to the basket.

The Heat will play better, though. They didn’t shoot the ball well at all last night, which happens to them fairly frequently. Antoine Walker and Jason Williams are both pretty streaky shooters. And, New Jersey, in my opinion, though they have better bigs, doesn’t get after it on defense quite like Chicago did. They’re certainly not a bad defensive team, by any stretch, but Miami missed a lot of open looks. Maybe this had something to do with the fact that it was a blowout from jump, and effort waned on both sides as the game went on. We’ll see.

Carlos Boozer and Mike Dunleavy were both at the game, in the stands… and I found it odd that they were both dressed in white, participating in the Miami crowd’s lame “white out,” which they stole from the Winnipeg Jets/Phoenix Coyotes. I just found it odd. I think Boozer also had a pair of Thunder Stix, a Shaquille O’Neal action figure, and a copy of Kazaam that he wanted to get autographed. Kenyon Martin was at the game, too, seeing his most extensive action of the postseason.

I’d wondered about this. During the NFL draft, Under Armour rolled out some new commercials featuring the slogan “click clack.” I guess it is no longer so imperative for us to protect this house.

Anyway… click-clack, of course, is a term used for the cocking/loading of a gun, presumably before it’s fired into the chest of a motherfucker who has in some way disrespected a rapper.

Now, I don’t care… I enjoy the rap music, and hey, if I had my way, no one would be rapping about shooting people. But it happens, and I don’t think kids are going to kill each other because of an Under Armour slogan, or because Slim Thug has a song called “Click Clack” (and I’m pretty sure those lyrics — I was taught only reach for the heat if you bustin’ / So when lift this shirt that’s the end of discussion / Click-clack muthafuckas, I ain’t trying to hear nothing! — aren’t about cleats on concerete).

I do, however, wish Under Armour would just be honest about it. Clay Travis, in some nice work on SPiN on Sports, wondered about it, too, and he called Under Armour to get an explanation. They deny any reference at all to the hip-hop definition of “click clack.” They say it’s all about the sound that football cleats make on concrete, and nothing more. Here’s their explanation, again, via Clay Travis:

I contacted Under Armour, seeking comment on the duality of the “click-clack” message in youth culture. Steve Battista, vice-president of brand marketing, said as follows in a written statement: “We explain what the sounds represent in the commercial — it’s the last sound you hear before you step onto the field, the Click-Clack of cleats — it’s the whole point of the commercial … People take famous slogans and taglines and repurpose them for different purposes all the time. Hopefully they remain in a positive or motivational light …”

I’m gonna have to call bullshit on that one. Not only is it highly unlikely that they don’t know what it means, they chose it because of what it means. And again, I don’t have any kind of a huge problem with it, other than their borderline insulting denials, but… I’m guessing there are some out there, types like Hillary Clinton, or types like Bill O’Reilly, who would have a pretty huge problem with a marketing slogan that’s all about loading a gun. Under Armour shouldn’t take any less heat for it than any rapper takes for his lyrics.

The Suns took Game One from the Clippers last night, despite an incredible performance from Elton Brand… I’m thinking I may have shortchanged him in earlier MVP discussions. I’m not saying I’d have voted for him, but I’d move him up the list and give him a little more respect than I had previously.

Just to compare him to the guy who is, in my opinion, the gold standard of big men, Tim Duncan… Brand isn’t quite the back-to-the-basket technician that Duncan is, but the touch he has on his shot is incredible. He really is a threat to score from anywhere around the basket, no matter what’s going on around him. He’s not as good defensively as the best big men in the game, but he can get there. He’s also going to have to get better, particularly in this series, with recognizing the double team a little earlier, and making a better pass out of it.

The Clippers are also going to have to get more disciplined on offense… Kenny Smith talks all the time about the Suns baiting team into taking shots. They do. They let you have long jumpers early in the shot clock, and they’re begging you to take them. The Clippers took too many of them, which surprised me. Sam Cassell should know better. I expect them to adjust to that as the series goes on.

There is no reason, none whatsoever, for either Elton Brand or Chris Kaman to touch the ball every time down the floor. Every single possession that isn’t a clear fast break, the ball should be in Brand or Kaman’s hands. The Suns can’t defend them in the post. I can’t make this clear enough. Every single time.

Great shooting performance from the Suns last night. 54.7% from the floor, and 44.4% from behind the 3-point line. What’s add about it is that I felt the Clippers defended them better than the Lakers did. They’re better equipped to handle the pick-and-roll, and the Suns made a lot of tough shots. Boris Diaw and Leandro Barbosa hit a lot of contested shots, and Steve Nash was outstanding at getting a big man on him after a pick-and-roll, and then stepping back and hitting the jumper. He really is the Suns halfcourt offense. Everyone thinks about his up-tempo game, but he doesn’t get enough credit for what he does in the halfcourt.

Well, I’m not sure. But Reggie Bush and the New Orleans Saints would like to bring it to you. Bush wants to wear the #5 as a running back in the NFL, and the league, of course, says this is a very bad thing. Why, I’m not sure. Peter King goes over it today in his MMQB, and I agree.

I mean, I don’t think they should be making special rules for Reggie Bush, but… I think it’s kind of a dumb rule to begin with. If the man wants to wear #5, let him wear #5. If an offensive lineman wants to wear #1, well… why the hell not? If he feels that his free-spirited, sensitive, personality is best represented by the number 17, as opposed to the clumsy, stodgy, beefy 70, I think that’s OK. Let’s not pigeonhole anyone.

It’s hard to think of any legitimate reasons that pre-specified numbers make things easier for NFL officials. The one thing I could see is that maybe it helps refs easily spot if someone’s illegally downfield, but… that seems easily solved. Just make offensive linemen wear certain numbers. Like, numbers that end in 0. Numbers within a certain range. Prime numbers. Numbers with Something. Other than that, I don’t know what the big deal is.

I could understand if the NFL had a rule against making guys change numbers every year, as that would be kinda messed-up for fans who buy jerseys. At some point, you know Paris Hilton is going to talk Matt Leinart into wearing #69, because she thinks it’s funny.

The Cavs just ran into a barrage yesterday. It was like someone sent a blind kid walking into another kid who was doing the windmill of fists. Detroit got any shot they wanted, and then they made damn near every one of them.

I actually didn’t feel like the Pistons were that good defensively. They gave up some easy baskets, and Cleveland was able to shoot an okay percentage. But their easy buckets were way fewer and far between than the Pistons easy buckets.

If they want to have a chance in this series, Cleveland’s going to have to pick up their defensive intesity, and they’re going to have to shoot lights out. I think LeBron’s probably going to get his points. But Flip Murray and Larry Hughes aren’t going to be left wide open for jumpers, like they were against the Wizards. The Pistons didn’t double LeBron a whole lot today… they let him do his thing, and he made some tough shots. He’ll do that. But I don’t think they’re going to let anyone else do a lot of damage.

As for the Pistons and what they need to do to win the series… well, trying hard should just about cover it. They have a tendency to have minor lapses in focus, where things can happen like Milwaukee taking a game from them. But I don’t see Cleveland being a much bigger threat to Detroit than the Bucks were.

In the West, the Mavs and the Spurs played a pretty spectacular game, considering that San Antone had just 36 hours rest, and the Mavs had to shake the rust after a long layoff. The story of his one was Bruce Bowen sweating Dirk Nowitzki all game long. Prepare to hear Charles Barkley say that Dirk has to take Bowen down to the post about 7,102 times in the next few days. Almost as many times as he said that Kobe averaged 44 against the Suns in the regular seasons, and the Suns mauled the Lakers in those games.

This is what Dirk and the Mavs have to overcome if they want to be champions. The challenge is right there in front of them, and it is clear: Dirk Nowitzki has to find a way to be just as effective against Bruce Bowen as he was against Shane Battier and Pau Gasol. The Mavericks are a good team, but they’re not good enough to beat a great team like the Spurs if they can’t count on their superstar to give them what he gives them.

That’s just the way it has to be. 20 points from Dirk isn’t enough. It’s up to Avery Johnson to find a way to get Bowen off of Dirk, or, preferably, for Dirk to find a way to deal with it. Take him to the block, post him up, shoot over him, and inbetween shots, don’t be a skirtbag. If he gets physical, get physical back. Pick your spots, throw your own elbows, jab his ribs, go Reggie Evans on him if you have to. The league won’t do a thing about it.

Also… you may have noticed a little word verification thingie when you leave comments. For some reason, I was bombarded with spam this weekend, and hopefully, this stems it a little bit. I hope it’s not too much of a pain in the ass…

Steve Nash collected his 2nd MVP trophy yesterday, receiving 57 first place votes, more than double the 22 of his closest competitor. That was Kobe, who, despite having the 2nd-most 1st place votes, come in 4th in the balloting. 22 of the 125 voters left Kobe off their ballots completely, which means there are 22 people who should no longer be allowed to vote.

We’ve gone into detail about it before, and there’s no need to re-hash it all again. But I don’t think that the Suns beating the Lakers, a majestic 2-seed over 7-seed triumph, validates Nash’s selection over Kobe Bryant, whatsoever. I have believed, and still do, that the Suns put up amazing offensive numbers primarily because of the system in which they play. Diaw’s numbers are great because of the system. Marion’s numbers are great because of the system. Tim Thomas even seems great because of the system.

That’s not to say that Nash doesn’t have anything to do with it; obviously, he does. He’s a great point guard. The best pure distributor in the NBA. They were discussing on SportsCenter yesterday whether or not Nash is a hall-of-famer, and I’d say yes. Maybe he doesn’t have the longevity quite yet, but he’s certainly on that path. I do think Nash is great. I do not think he is the MVP.

Anyway, elsewhere in the voting… LeBron James officially finished 2nd with 688 points to Nash’s 924, Dirk Nowitzki was 3rd with 544, Kobe Bryant 4th with 483, and Chauncey Billups 5th with 430. After that, there was a major drop-off, to Dwyane Wade with 87 points, and Elton Brand with 50; Brand being the only guy outside of the Top 5 to get a 1st place vote. Tim Duncan got two 2nd-place votes to finish behind Brand. Tony Parker got a third-place vote, and four 5ths, while Allen Iverson (?) and Shawn Marion had one 5th place vote each.

It’s a bit of a mystery as to why Kobe Bryant took just three shots and scored 1 point in the 2nd half of Saturday’s Game 7 against the Suns. Who knows why Kobe does anything, but here’s my best guess.

The game started out with the Lakers going through their “Let’s get everyone involved” act. Kwame Brown was getting great looks in the post, and missing easy shot after easy shot. Clearly, nerves were bothering him. Lamar Odom did a little bit of the same, and the Lakers worked themselves into a pretty substantial hole.

In the 2nd quarter, Kobe took over a little bit, and while he shot well, and hit his usual impossible shots, the Suns lead grew. The Lakers defense was so atrocious, that even with Kobe hitting everything he threw up, the best the Lakers could do was trade buckets… which is not a winning proposition if you’re down 20.

So the only way for the Lakers to limit the Suns offense at all was to limit their number of possessions. Slow the game down, pound it inside. Which is what they tried… and again, what they sucked at. Not even Brian Cook could hit a shot. And by the time the 4th quarter rolled around, it was hopeless, and Kobe sat a lot of the 4th anyway.

That’s my best guess as to Kobe’s thought process. I’ve heard people say that he was trying to teach the team a lesson, that they can’t win without him scoring, but I don’t buy that. Now, I think that’s something he’s done before… particularly when Shaq was around. I think it’s happened before. But in a Game 7, there’s just no way he’s going to sabotage his team to make a point… that just doesn’t make any sense. Love him or hate him, I think you at least have to concede that in a Game 7, he’ll do whatever he thinks is best for his team to win.

But yeah, the Lakers were terrible on Saturday… and the Suns were phenomenal. It was the perfect storm. The Suns shot the ball extremely well, they had their tempo, they seemed energized by the crowd and the situation, and they were great. And as great as they were, the Lakers were bad… Kwame Brown and Smush Parker in particular seemed overwhelmed by the atmosphere, which is not good, particularly for Smush, because he’s not much of a player to begin with.

If they could’ve replaced him with even an average point guard, I think they win the series. He made bad decisions on offense, was no threat to hit any kind of a shot, letting Nash roam around and double-team anyone he wanted, and he couldn’t even think about pretending to guard Steve Nash on defense. And, in Game 7 in particular, Kwame Brown was terrible on defense. Just as stiff and clueless as you could imagine. They put him in any kind of a pick-and-roll, and it was an automatic bucket.

Detroit Pistons:
Cheers

In their own ways, each member of the cast was completely indispensable. You couldn’t have Cheers without any of the mainstays… Sam is Chauncey Billups. Cool, smooth, the go-to guy. Runs the show in his own way, not overbearing, gets along with everyone, but knows when he has to be the man.

Ben Wallace is Norm. An absolute stalwart. Dependable, reliable, never caught out of position. Probably couldn’t carry his own show, though. Rasheed Wallace is Carla… ready to flip out at a moment’s notice, often bringing an energy that inspires the rest of the cast to new heights. And even though Cheers will still great in the later years of the show, we all still liked to think back fondly on the days of Coach Ernie Pantuszo… much like all Pistons fans look back on the days of Darko Milicic.

Washington Wizards:

There are a lot of similarities between George Jefferson and Gilbert Arenas. Neither were very big, yet both remain strangely captivating. Neither of them got the attention of the more mainstream stars of the day… yet they were both destined for greatness. Maybe not like a LeBron/Bill Cosby kind of greatness, but greatness in another sense. A kind of greatness that shows Stephon Marbury that yes, you can be a scoring point guard and not be a complete tool.

Caron Butler is Weezy, as Weezy was a strong and independent black woman, and Caron Butler is, for some reason, nicknamed “Tough Juice.” Antawn Jamison can be Lionel. Peter John Ramos is the neighbor, Tom, as I believe Peter John is the only non-black player on the roster.

Indiana Pacers:

The departure of Ron Artest has left this team with a complete lack of testosterone. I love Jermaine O’Neal… I think he’s a great player, potentially a franchise player. But there’s just not enough around him to get the Pacers anywere past the level of being a “good team.” He’s Julia Sugarbaker… and it’s like Richard Pryor was once a member of the cast there, but they traded him to Sacramento and replaced him with Mesach Taylor.

Stephen Jackson is the Delta Burke of the group. She filled her role well, she was good for a laugh here and there, but ultimately, she just wasn’t quite good enough to be a real 2nd option, and was a little bit crazy to boot. Peja is, of course, Mesach Taylor, with that “I’m not as gay as I seem, I swear” vibe. Jeff Foster and Charlene shared a certain ruggedness, and Anthony Johnson is Annie Potts. It just seems to fit.

Dallas Mavericks:

The tall white man was the head of the household, but don’t be fooled. It’s the little black man who’s making things go. Dirk Nowitzki/Mr. Drummond , great as they may be, aren’t the reason that the Mavericks have put themselves in the NBA title conversation. It’s because of Avery Johnson/Arnold.

The bad news here for the Mavericks is that Dana Plato was on Diff’rent Strokes… which means that some current member of the Mavs will be starring in softcore pornography and OD’ing very soon. My money’s on Marquis Daniels. Sorry Marquis.

Los Angeles Clippers:

Sarah and Jamie had some things going for them. Let’s not pretend like they didn’t. But let me ask you this… do you think Jamie was getting her melons on Baywatch without the guidance and support of Scott Baio? I think not. This is why Sam Cassell can be compared to, along with E.T. and Gollum, Scott Baio.

It was difficult to resist the temptation to just call Sam Cassell “Alf” and be done with it. But Charles in Charge works better. Elton Brand and Nicole Eggert had a lot to offer the world… their gifts were obvious. And although their particular gifts were different, Jamie and Shaun Livingston were both sensitive, intelligent, people, and they could see things that others didn’t notice. But they weren’t able to realize their full potential until Sam in Charge came along and gave them the confidence and knowledge to succeed. I think there’s a deleted scene on the Charles in Charge DVD where Scott Baio runs around the house doing the onion dance.

Buddy Lembeck… obviously Chris Kaman. They both appear to be quite dim, but they’re good for a laugh if someone strikes them in the groin.

Cleveland Cavaliers:

I want to make it clear that the Cavs are aspiring to be the Cosby Show… they’re not they’re yet. Bill is in place. Bill is still growing and learning, but Bill has it held down. You don’t have to worry about Bill. But right now, there’s no Theo, no Denise, no Claire, and there’s damn sure no Rudy.

All those cast members are missing, and we’re left with Flip Murray as Cockroach, Eric Snow as Vanessa, and Zydrunas Ilgauskus as Sondra, who just refuses to play defense. I’m as excited about Bill Cosby as anyone, but he needs a Claire to make the show great. He needs a Theo. Claire and Theo don’t even have to be great, but they do need to be a step above Cockroach. We might need a new executive producer, too.

Miami Heat:
My Two Dads

The two dads, obviously, are Shaquille O’Neal and Dwyane Wade. Sadly, one of them has to be Paul Reiser, and one of them has to be… well, whoever that other guy was. Shaq has to be Paul Reiser, which is unfortunate, because Dwyane Wade certainly is not… just that other guy.

The old judge who lived next door is Pat Riley, who has stepped in to assist with the raising of young Nicole. The one thing I remember about the judge is that she “developed” early, and resented all the other kids making fun of her, and was disappointed in Nicole for ostracizing the girl in her class who was “developing” early. You know what, as hard as I might like to try, I can’t think of any way that this relates to the Miami heat. Not even a little bit. Sorry.

I think the Heat just have too many deficiencies to be a serious threat. Much like on My Two Dads, where you could never stop asking yourself “Hey, they’re gay, right?” for long enough to even consider how great it could be.

Sacramento Kings:
Empty Nest

Pretty mundane and uninteresting… until the crazy neighbor showed up. If you don’t remember the show, it revolved around a retirement-aged doctor in Miami, who lived with his two adult daughters, both of whom were divorced. It was a spin-off of The Golden Girls, if that tells you anything. But things changed when the neighbor, Charlie Dietz, showed up. Charlie desperately wanted to bang both/either of the daughters, and he added a little spice to the show. A little edge. A little danger.

Much like Ron Artest has done for the Kings. Truth be told, either of the girls would’ve been better off if they spent a night with Charlie. He was a fun guy… no job, no worries, he just didn’t give a damn. He shook things up. Without him, everyone else was largely irrelevant. And so it is with the Kings… Ron Artest has made them matter. He’s given them a pair. We’re no longer relying on a gray-haired doctor or Mike Bibby and Team Dime for a respective backbone. We’ve got a crazy neighbor, and now, we matter.

San Antonio Spurs:
The Golden Girls

I don’t care what you say about The Golden Girls… that show was funny. So, say what you want, point and laugh at me if you have to, and believe me, I realize that the show was not a festival of eye candy. But if one of Rose’s stories about St. Olaf never cracked you up, then I’m just not sure we have a lot in common.

Like The Golden Girls… the Spurs may not be the sexiest team out there. It’s easy to write them off. But considering a lot of the garbage on television today, and a lot of bad teams in the NBA, it’s nice to know that no matter what else happens, there is somewhere you can go for quality, without fail.

Also, there’s a striking resemblance between Gregg Popovich and Bea Arthur.

Phoenix Suns:
Perfect Strangers

I don’t know if I’d still find it funny today, but there was a time when I couldn’t get enough Balki Bartokomous. Don’t judge me. The show had its fun moments. It was entertaining. Much like you keep watching to see what Steve Nash is going to do with the ball on a fast break, you had to keep watching Perfect Strangers to see what would happen when Larry and Balki had to make a large amount of Meposian pastries.

But while both are cute, entertaining, endearing, admirable, and have a heavy reliance on foreigners (Nash, Diaw, Balki, and note the similar chest hair between Nash and Balki)… they just can’t be taken seriously. They’re just a little too goofy and gimmicky. I don’t begrudge anyone enjoying them. Larry and Balki were funny, and at least one of the neighbor girls were hot. But they’re just not in the class of some of the others.

New Jersey Nets:
Three’s Company

It’s all about the actions of three individuals, and while there are some worthwhile things in the periphery, none of them really matter… with the exception of Mr. Furley, who is roughly of the same size and disposition as Laurence Frank.

Jack Tripper, obviously, is Jason Kidd. They make things go. Without Jack Tripper, there was no Three’s Company… and without Jason Kidd, the Nets aren’t relevant. Janet is Richard Jefferson… dependable, good head on her shoulders, and while she’s not going to make any Top 10 lists, you can’t tell me that there haven’t been nights where you could have found her useful. Vince Carter is Chrissy… a little bit prissy, perhaps not the sharpest tool in the shed, and yes, you can question her effort. But you can’t question her goods. She brought a lot to the table. No matter what you might dislike about either of them, there are always, always, always reasons to look at Chrissy or Vince Carter.

Denver Nuggets:
Benson

The Nuggets are Benson, because… what else do you remember about Benson? Just Benson. Robert Guillaume. That’s it. I have a vague recollection of a dumb white mayor, but that’s about it. Benson was the show.

Just like in Denver… where Carmelo Anthony is the show. Kiki Vandeweghe has done a good job of bringing talent to Denver, but none of that talent is particularly suited to each other. It’s time to blow it up and start again, which, for the Nuggets, shouldn’t be that bad, because they do have a lot of assets to work with. But we’ve got to put something decent around Benson. We just have to. Or Benson/Carmelo will be the next Dominique Wilkins.

Milwaukee Bucks:

In a not-terrible, but that-that-great cast, there’s only one guy with any kind of “star” quality, and even that depends on you lowering the bar on your definition of “star.” Kirk Cameron, meet Michael Redd. You can be on the cover of “17″ if you want, and you can have your max salary, but if you try to do it on your own, you’re going to find out that you need Alan Thicke. You need a homeless Leonardo DiCaprio. You need Boner.

And I don’t think there’s any way around Andrew Bogut being Boner. There’s just something that doesn’t look right about both of them… like they grew up under power lines. I could see Andrew Bogut wondering into the kitchen one day, clueless expression on his face, and having a few of Mrs. Seaver’s freshly-baked cookies.

And homeless Leonardo DiCaprio is clearly Tony Kukoc, as I believe, based on his appearance, that he has been homeless for six or seven years.

Memphis Grizzlies:
The Dom DeLuise Show

Both were cancelled quickly, although you can’t deny that both were also helped out quite a bit by the beards on their stars.

Los Angeles Lakers:
Family Ties

Clearly, it was all about Michael J. Fox as Alex P. Keaton, just as the Lakers are clearly all about Kobe. But there are times when you think, “Hey, the rest of this cast is pretty damn underrated.” Michael Gross was effective, Justine Bateman was quite doable, Tina Yothers as the middle child was… well, you know, there was a time when it wouldn’t have been weird to be a fan of Tina Yothers. And I think Meredith Baxter Birney was fantastic, mainly because I saw her hooters in a b-movie as an adolescent, and I’ve never forgotten the joy she provided me. I should write her a thank-you note.

The show was at its best when they were all working together… the parents trying to teach young Alex that not everything is about just looking out for yourself. Sometimes, you have to teach others… like when Michael Gross taught Mallory about Poetry. When Tina Yothers was having problems with an over-aggressive boyfriend. When Tom Hanks guest stars as an alcoholic uncle who eats a jar of maraschino cherries because he sees the word “alcohol” on the ingredients list. It’s a group effort, and family is important… and I wouldn’t be surprised if Phil Jackson was somehow involved with the making of Family ties.

Chicago Bulls:
Night Court

Likable, likable, likable. Perhaps it wasn’t great… perhaps it won’t be in the conversation when you talk about the ones that really mattered. But when you turn on the TV, they’re going to give you something to be happy about. At the very least, they’re going to use their talent, and they’re going to get after it.

Deep casts on both, with points and laughs available to come from any direction. Judge Harry Anderson, running the show, of course, is Kirk Hinrich. Bull Shannon, Andres Nocioni. Sensitive, caring, creatures… that aren’t afraid to use the brute savageness that they’ve been given. Ben Gordon is John Laroquette… who has the ability to bring you out of your seat at any moment. Mike Sweetney is Mack, mainly because I believe they’re about the same age. Eric Piatkowski and Markie Post might as well even be the same person.

I hate to be contrarian… but what I saw last night from LeBron was certainly excellent, but not anything legendary. Don’t get me wrong… for 53 minutes of play, he was outstanding, absolutely outstanding. He is the reason that the Cavs are good at all. But in terms of what he accomplished at the end of regulation and overtime… we were all witnesses to something unspectacular. I rarely disagree with the great Free Darko, mainly because they’re too smart, and they intimidate me into agreeing with them, but… well, today, I beg to differ.

End of regulation: Score is tied, Cavs have some time on the clock and a chance to win. LeBron gets the ball out front, because the Wizards never really had any intention of keeping him from getting it. They show only a half-hearted double team, that will only become a full double-team if LeBron decides to penetrate. He doesn’t. He hoists up an off-balance three, and it doesn’t go in. No big thing, that happens.

End of overtime: LeBron takes the ball on the inbounds play, and Michael Ruffin, to his credit, is only four or five steps behind LeBron while chasing him through a screen, whereas your average Joe off the street would’ve been at least six steps behind. No effort from the Wiz to deny him the ball, or to even make him catch it far away from the basket. LeBron heads to the corner with, again, no effort to push him back towards halfcourt. Ruffin’s still chasing, and Antawn Jamison, who should’ve maybe, I dunno, anticipated this, moseys over at a leisurely pace. He’s too slow to get there, and not particularly aggressive when he arrives, giving the man the baseline, which is something you just don’t do. LeBron gets to the hoop along the baseline, which, I think I mentioned before, isn’t something that a defense should allow. You can blow that off if you want to, and Spiderman couldn’t get through it. Anyway, a third defender is inconsequential, and Michael Ruffin’s block attempt comes up short. LeBron makes a twisting, calm, lay-up, and the Cavs win because Gilbert Arenas panicked and heaved up a contested 60-footer instead of calling a timeout and taking a shot from within 30 feet.

The coaching and execution on that last play by the Wizards was so bad… how are they not prepared for such a situation? No effort to deny LeBron the ball, no effort to keep him away from the hoop… exactly what was the gameplan there? What did Eddie Jordan say in the huddle?

“Okay, guys, here’s what we’re going to do. They’ll probably run LeBron off a screen or two, so hey, there’s nothing we can do about that. Let’s just hope he misses. Okay, Wizards on three. ONE, TWO, THREE, WIZARDS!”

Attention, professional boxers, particularly heavyweights: this is how you get fans excited for an upcoming event. Raja Bell and Kobe Bryant going at it… first, Raja:

“I have no respect for him,” Bell said. “I think he is a pompous, arrogant individual.

“I got a bruised cheek here and I can barely open my jaw on this side and that did not come from nowhere. And I felt like I’d had enough of that.”

Kobe? Arrogant and pompous? Ya don’t say. What are you going to call him next, black?

Allow Kobe to retort:

“That’s what he said? Maybe he has a glass jaw.

“Maybe he wasn’t hugged enough as a child. He’s a good defender, he’s a good basketball player [but] just go out and play the game, don’t go out there and whine about it.

“I’m not trying to go out there and elbow somebody. That’s not the way I play.

“If you get elbowed, you still have to keep your cool. I get elbowed all the time.”

This is why I can’t dislike Kobe. The man just understands what it is to be a cold-blooded killer on the basketball court, and I admire that. He’s been so good and so compelling in this series, that I’ve almost completely forgotten that he (allegedly) took the coochie. I realize that that doesn’t say a lot for my character… but I can’t pretend like I’m not enjoying the Kobe Bryant Show.

He just gets it. He just understands the attitude he has to have on the court to be better than anyone else… he might take his cheap shots like anyone else, but he’ll do it quietly, subtly, and without getting caught. Raja Bell lost his mind, committed a blatant, flagrant foul in front of the whole world. It’s not a smart play. And then Kobe twists the knife by saying he wasn’t hugged enough as a child. That’s just brilliant.

I’m sorry, Raja Bell. I like you. I think you’re a damn fine player, and I’d like to have you on my team. But… in terms of goading a guy, and owning him… the work that Kobe Bryant is doing on Raja Bell right now is Picasso-esque. It is a thing to behold.

A couple of days ater John Daly’s admissions of major gambling problems, Charles Barkley admits the same. He’s lost $10 million, but has no intention of quitting… and perhaps not even of slowing down.

“It’s not a problem,” Barkley said on TNT during halftime of the Pistons-Bucks game. “If you’re a drug addict or an alcoholic, those are problems. I gamble for too much money. As long as I can continue to do it I don’t think it’s a problem. Do I think it’s a bad habit? Yes, I think it’s a bad habit. Am I going to continue to do it? Yes, I’m going to continue to do it.”

I think Barkley’s problem is completely different than Daly’s, though… Daly gambles because of a subconscious urge to do something destructive and risky. For him, it’s about his addictive personality. If it’s not gambling, it’d be something else, as Big John has demonstrated very well.

For guys like Barkley and Jordan (and if you don’t think Michael Jordan has a gambling problem, you’re nuts… Reggie Evans nuts), it’s all about competition and the thrill of victory. I don’t think you’re going to catch these guys at slot machines. They’ll play blackjack, where they think they have a competitive advantage by being smarter. It’s all about winning. And a game like blackjack provides them an opportunity to win very often, in a very short period of time.

I’ve got a friend who’s the same way… He’s so absurdly competitive that I can’t throw a game of darts with the fucking guy in his garage without wanting to punch him in his dirty Greek face. And he loves to gamble… blackjack, craps, poker, anything. It’s the same principle.

I’d wish Charles luck in getting his problems straightened out, but I think he’d rather I wish him luck when he hits a 16 against the dealer’s 10.

Bud Selig and Major League Baseball are not planning any kind of celebration of recognition of Barry Bonds’ upcoming 715th home run. Barry says that’s fine… and I believe him when he says that.

But still, Babe Ruth’s 715, though not the record, is a hallowed number in baseball… and there’s no way that Barry Bonds isn’t going to enjoy passing that number. Major League Baseball might not celebrate, but Barry’s going home, popping a bottle of champagne, and reciting a few verses of the oh-so catchy “Kill the White People.” I’m going to be singing that all day.

And just for the record, I’m alright with MLB not celebrating 715. It is, after all, not the record. But I think it would be the right thing for the Giants to do something. If it happens on the road, just announce it in the stadium, let the people boo, give Barry a commemorative bronze ass-needle or something, whatever.

But when he gets home, there should be some kind of a ceremony, from the Giants organization. They owe it to their players to support their accomplishments… and even if this isn’t the record, it is kind of a big deal.