Archive for May, 2006

May17

Joe DiMaggio Doesn’t Sound Like A Happy Guy

By: the mighty mjd

Joltin’ Joe used to write notes to himself about how to deal with his sometimes lady-friend, Marilyn Monroe… these do not sounds like the words of a man who is ecstatic to be with his wife. His notes included the following…

• Don’t ever be critical
• Be nice to her friends
• No jealousy. Remember this is not your wife. She is a fine girl and remember how unhappy you made her. Happiness is what you strive for — for HER
• Remember how lonesome and unhappy you are – especially without her

Ouch. So, he’s just normally a lonesome and unhappy guy, but even moreso when Marilyn isn’t around. Not a pretty picture… imagine how long that 56-game hit streak could’ve been if Joe wasn’t a miserable bastard. It’s too bad that he didn’t come up in the days of Dr. Phil and sports psychiatrists. I feel like he should’ve been calling Doug and Jackie Christie for relationship advice.

Anyway, a bunch of Joe DiMaggio/Marilyn Monroe stuff is going up for auction in New York. Some love letters are expected to grab about $20,000… and his home uniform from his last World Series in 1951 is expected to go for $200,000 – $300,000. I expect that these aunctions will be won by Walter Gaskell, whose dog was murdered by James Leer.

Posted in: Baseball, Sad1 comments

May17

Justin Gatlin Shafted

By: the mighty mjd

As it turns out, there is not a new world record in the 100m. Justin Gatlin has supposedly broken it last week in Qatar, coming in a hundredth of a second better than the previous mark.

Unfortunately for him, the guy who was holding the stopwatch is an asshole. His time was actually 9.766 seconds, and was supposed to have been rounded up to 9.77. I don’t know how you screw something like that up… rounding to the nearest decimal was something I always thought was pretty easy. You’d think the track people would’ve been prepared for such an event. Damn the Qatar educational system.

So after Gatlin celebrated his accomplishment, did the talk show tour, and was proclaimed the world’s fastest human… all before getting a call yesterday saying, “Um, oops.” That couldn’t have felt good. I’d guess that walls were punched and things were thrown in the Gatlin household last night… if he has children or pets, they were probably beaten for no reason.

Posted in: Sports in General1 comments

May17

A Letter From Steve Nash’s Cat

By: the mighty mjd

We don’t have a lot of guest writers here on themightymjd.com, but today, we’ve got a special treat. Steve Nash’s cat wrote in to get some things off his chest. He had some things to share…

Hey guys. My name is Ikztiwon, but you can call me Iky for short. Everyone else does. See, my name is Nowitzki spelled backwards. I think Steve really misses Dirk. I feel bad for Steve sometimes, except when he makes me put on a little custom-made Nowitzki jersey, and run around the yard with him doing the pick-and-roll. If I run really hard at the basket, Steve gives me a treat. Like I said, I think Steve really misses Dirk.

But I don’t. Dirk’s a really nice guy and everything, but I got tired of him picking me up and telling me to meow in German. Cats in Germany meow the same way, Dirk. And I think you know that, but you also think that telling me to meow in German is really funny. I wish Steve would stop laughing at it so much. I think he’s just being nice. That really was only funny the first time, Dirk. I also wish you would stop eating out of my bowl when you come over.

But Steve likes you, so I don’t really mind too much. Steve’s a really good owner. He’s a real nice guy. But there are some things I’d like to talk to him about.

Steve, when you’re giving me a treat, you can just hand it to me. Set it in front of me. Put it in my mouth. Either of those would be fine. Really, you don’t have to run in the opposite direction and whip it at me from behind your back. They’re really delicious and everything, and I appreciate it, but sometimes, I get tired of Whiskas Temptations Cat Treats pegging me in the face. I can’t catch, Steve. I have paws. I’m not Boris Diaw, so please stop treating me like Boris Diaw.

And yes, we both know that you can fool me everytime when you no-look pass me the ball of yarn. I don’t know why you keep doing it. We cats are easily-fooled. It’s not that impressive. Everytime you look at the window and throw me the ball, it surprises me, and I flinch, and I look like a big pussy. Can you stop this? I’ll still go along with it and act like you’re a really cool guy when you bring a lady home, but when it’s just us, really, let me play with my own yarn.

Also, Steve, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I could really use a haircut. Come on. Look at me. I know you don’t really like to groom yourself, but I’m a cat. I need a little maintenance. Please don’t push your anti-grooming views on me. There’s a nest of worker bees living in my fur, because it hasn’t been trimmed since that one time Mark Cuban got drunk shaved “MFFL” into my fur. I’m serious here. A trip to the groomer is long overdue. If you want to let your own hair go, that’s fine. But I need some help here. I can live with you naming me after a German power forward, but I can’t live with hair that prevents me from actually seeing.

And just one last thing, can you stop licking your hands before you pet me? I see you do this a lot on TV, too. It’s kind of gross, Steve. I already have problems with my fur, as we’ve already discussed. I don’t need it to be saturated with your spit, too. Just let me lick myself, please.

That’s all. Have a good day everyone.

Posted in: Letters from Pets10 comments

May17

Can Little Dougie Go All The Way To Canton?

By: the mighty mjd

On the question of whether or not Doug Flutie belongs in the Hall of Fame, most people seem to be saying no. But, you know, it is the Pro Football Hall of Fame. It’s not the NFL Hall of Fame. And Little Dougie did win six Canadian Football League MVP awards.

I’d like to see it happen, but… I don’t really feel strongly enough about it to go to the trouble of making the argument for him. If he was in, he would certainly be the worst QB in there (unless someone enshrined Rob Johnson as a joke), and the Canadian Football League is clearly an inferior league. I get all that. I understand why he’s not going to be there.

But I’m not sure there shouldn’t be some sort of a little Canadian section in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Doesn’t Cooperstown have a little display honoring the women about whom “A League of Their Own” was made? If Dottie and Kit can get in a hall, then so can Doug Flutie. Maybe not with a full bronze bust, like everyone else… maybe just a little bobblehead. Or one of those little plastic electronic football guys painted like Dougie. Something.

I guess I just don’t want to live in a world where a man with the character, the determination, the ability, the resilience, and a beautiful cascading mullet like the one seen above (picture courtesy of Deadspin.com and Boston.com), doesn’t get some kind of career recognition.

Posted in: NFL3 comments

May16

ABC Getting Into The Primetime College Football Business

By: the mighty mjd

I suppose in part because they lost Monday Night Football, ABC is now going to have regular primetime college football games on Saturday nights. Seems a little weird, since Saturday night football is also a staple of ABC’s kid sister, ESPN, does it not? I dunno. It’s a little too early to start thinking about football, but hey, the more football that’s on, the better.

One little quibble with ABC, though… does the color guy have to be Bob Davie? Never in my life have I been watching a game called by Bob Davie, and thought to myself, “Wow, Bob Davie’s doing a really good job.” Never have I heard anyone else say that, or anything remotely similar to it. “Man, I’d like to whack Bob Davie in the groin with a 9-iron,” however, is something I’ve heard at least three dozen times.

I don’t really have much of a problem with Brent Musburger… yes, he’ll probably be drunk for most of these games. And yes, he doesn’t actually provide a lot of information about the games or players, other than, “Let me tell you somethin’, folks, this guy is big.” But hey… he’s Brent Musburger. He’s like your alcoholic uncle that just shows up around holidays, says some weird stuff, and makes himself the center of attention. He’s not going to make your life better in any way, but you’re never unhappy to see him, either. When he’s around, at least you know it’s an occasion.

They kick it off on September 2nd with Notre Dame/Georgia Tech. Ohio State/Texas is the next week, followed by Nebraska/USC.

Posted in: College Football7 comments

May15

NASCAR Going Environmentally-Friendly?

By: the mighty mjd

Well, maybe. General Motors is pusing the NASCAR people to switch to using ethanol in their cars. Here’s an argument for it.

The Indy Racing League has already made the switch… this year, the entire field in the Indy 500 will use cars that are running on a combination of ethanol and methanol… and next year, it will be 100% ethanol. There are people who want NASCAR to do the same.

And they should. It’s the right thing to do. Like it or not, NASCAR has a lot of influence with the people of America. If they did the responsible thing and made the switch to ethanol, then maybe the guy in the big-ass truck that lacks a muffler would consider doing the same. Maybe then ethanol would be something worth considering, and not just something that the tree-hugging hippie homos were trying to push on God-fearing Americans who have every right to burn as much oil as they want, because this is America, motherfucker, and we’ll put a boot up your ass.

And hey, it might help to get NASCAR some good press in areas where their fanbase isn’t so strong. Maybe I’ll even start to like NASCAR… though, after that last paragraph, you may have your doubts about that. That’s OK. So do I.

But it is something NASCAR should do… and it would be really nice if they could be a trendsetter on this particular issue.

Posted in: Car Racing6 comments

May15

Pistons 2, Cavs 2

By: the mighty mjd

Well, that didn’t go exactly as planned. Rasheed Wallace is now 3-1 on his guarantees… and normally, three of out four isn’t bad, but you know… they’re guarantees. You’re supposed to go 100% on those. In defeat, however, Rasheed remained defiant… if also slightly conciliatory.

“I ain’t worried about these cats,” he said. “There’s no way in hell they beat us in a series. They played well. I give them credit. We lost. We shot 30 percent and they had to play their best to beat us.”

Yes, he was forced to eat a little bit of crow, but… Rasheed Wallace isn’t the kind of guy who’s going to be bothered by that. He even dropped in a “the sun even shines on a dog’s ass some days” quote. He just doesn’t care. Guys who show up to introductory press conferences wearing t-shirts that read, “FUCK WHAT YA HEARD” tend to not get bothered by a lot. In fact, Rasheed spirits remained so high that during the game, when the arena’s “Kiss Cam” zoomed in on Rasheed, he tried to kiss Chauncey Billups.

Here was Ben Wallace’s take on the game and the guarantee:

“We can’t let the man go out and predict a win and then go out and stink it up like we did,” Ben Wallace said. “That’s players, coaching staff, everybody.”

Well, since he brought up the coaching… credit Cavs coach Mike Brown for an adjustment he made, going to a smaller line-up and spreading the Pistons out, limiting some of their defensive ferociousness around the rim by keeping Rasheed/Antonio McDyess out of the game. But shame on Flip Saunders for letting him get away with that. You can’t let the Cavs dictate how these games are going to be played. You have superior personnel. You force your own mismatches. If the Cavs go small, you make them pay for it. You pust up damn near anyone on the court, with the exception of whoever LeBron is guarding, and you pound them on the offensive glass.

And when you have 8 seconds left, and you’re down one, you should have Rasheed Wallace on the floor for a tip-in attempt, bad ankle or not. I like Maurice Evans, but he’s not doing anyone a lot of good in that situation.

Game 5 is back in Detroit on Wednesday.

Posted in: NBA5 comments

May15

Herb Sendek: Suck Me, ACC

By: the mighty mjd

In a nice little bit of poetic justice, Herb Sendek lifted a former McDonalds All-American from right under Mike Krzyzewski… and in the process, shot a middle finger to all the NC State fans and administration who said he couldn’t recruit.

Eric Boateng, who didn’t play a lot in his freshman year at Duke, is transferring to Arizona State, where Sendek landed after being jettisoned by NC State. Coach K tried to get him stay… he pulled him into his office, let him know there would be major minutes on the table for him, with Shelden Williams graduating. But it didn’t work.

Who knows if it will be a good move for Boateng… maybe he’ll be a complete non-factor. But for right now, it’s a nice little parting shot for Herb Sendek as he departs the ACC. This one has to feel good for him.

Posted in: College Hoops2 comments

May15

Hazing Rituals. The Good Kind.

By: the mighty mjd

Well, HELLO.

When a hazing ritual on a men’s team involves nudity and sex acts performed on one another… that’s just weird and bizarre. But when it’s a college women’s soccer team… well, that’s a completely different story.

Meet the Northwestern women’s soccer team. From BadJocks.com…

At first, we thought they were pretty much like others we had found: underage drinking, girls in degrading outfits for the occasion, faces written on with marker, etc. Then we turned the page and found the freshman not only blindfolded but with their hands tied behind their backs with athletic tape. On top of that, the girls are seen doing calisthenics and what appears to be forced drinking, performing skits that appear to require simulated sex acts, and then the losing skit team being forced to perform lap dances.

I should say before we go any farther, in all seriousness… forcing freshman girls to give guys lapdances… that’s not cool. In fact, what Dr. Susan Lipkins says here on BadJocks.com about this incident is, while it might not be much fun, absolutely right. I don’t think there’s any gray area there. Forcing anyone to do anything sexual as part of a hazing ritual… well, you can’t do that.

But… they did do it. And so that we can all learn from the experience and work towards bettering ourselves and making sure we can all develop a more positive worldview… well, here are some pictures. Wherever it goes from here… well, that’s up to you. Sinner.

Posted in: Soccer, Trim16 comments

May15

Mike Tyson, Boy Band Superstar

By: the mighty mjd

The good news is that Mike Tyson wants to get involved with a boy band. The bad news is that he doesn’t want to beat the piss out of them.

Iron Mike, as noted this morning on BenMaller.com, wants to get involved with a boy band called “Westlife.” He says he wants to cut a song with them. Seriously. He wants to sing with them.

I’ve never heard of these Westlife characters, but I think it’s fairly safe to assume that they are an embarrassment, and to call them musicians would be akin to calling Craig Stadler an athlete. It’s not my concern that Mike Tyson is going to be a part of a terrible song… that’s pretty much a certainty. My concern is that there’s just no limit to what Mike Tyson will do for a few bucks, no matter how embarrassing it is, and I just don’t want to see this keep snowballing. Porn just seems inevitable at this point, doesn’t it?

Posted in: Boxing, Sad4 comments

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