The man largely responsible for the dominant force that is Tiger Woods has passed away. Earl Woods, Tiger’s dad… has been having major health problems for the last few years. Earl Woods succumbed to cancer this afternoon, a cancer he’d been battling for 8 years.

This is not a man who is lacking in contributions to the world. Anything Tiger does, particularly off the course, owes quite a bit to Earl Woods and how he chose to raise his son.

An excellent read on Earl Woods here, from Golf Digest. Condolences.

It was getting to be about time for my annual “horse racing is dumb” post… and just in time, a football player at Ohio University has jumped in and joined my side of the argument.

There was a brawl outside of an Athens bar, and police were ushering people away from the scene. Corey Logan, 233-pound tight end, according to police offers “struck the horse between the eyes with the heel of his hand.”

Of course you know what happens next… he gets sent to prison, where Nasty Nate wants to violate him, but the Squirrel Master steps in to protect him, until his stoner friends can raise his bond money by selling weed.

Actually, what could happen is Logan doing up to 90 days in jail and paying a $750 fine, if he’s convicted. He says the horse bumped him, and he instinctively flinched and hit the horse with his elbow. The officer begs to differ.

Anyway, I might as well do it now, while we’re on the subject of horse hating… I just want to go on record for the 72nd time and say that the Kentucky Derby is not a sporting event. I know it’s a lot of fun… I know it’s a great big party. And that’s fine. But it is not the most exciting two minutes in sports, mainly because it is neither exciting, nor a sport.

It’s tiny, underpaid, men in silk whipping horses to make them run faster. It’s a reason for gambling. It’s no different than the race at your local track, where the 70-year-old guys who have bourbon for breakfast spend all day picking winners and reeking of urine. This particular race just happens to have mint juleps to overpower the stench.

Fuck your horse, Bob Baffert.

Raja Bell hit Kobe Bryant with a Paul Orndorff clothesline last night, en route to a 114-97 Suns victory over the Lakers. As I said about the Reggie Evans violation… the NBA has set the bar pretty low for what deserves a suspension. You can find video at the above link.

If Ron Artest deserved one, if James Posey deserved one… then so does Bell. Fair is fair. I don’t think Bell actually deserves to be suspended, but… it’s relative. Compared to what the other guys did, yes, he should sit for a game. In an NBA run by me, he probably wouldn’t… neither would Artest, and Posey… I dunno, I go back and forth on that one. I think the only two guys that have truly earned suspensions in the playoffs so far are Udonis Haslem and Reggie Evans… and only one of them got it.

If the NBA doesn’t suspend Bell, they’re saying, in essence, “You know, maybe we got a little carried away earlier with these punishments.” That would be the only way to explain it if Bell didn’t get a one-game ban, and Reggie Evans got nothing. By the way, I still can’t believe you can yank a guy’s ballsac and get away with it. It’s a tough spot for the NBA… if they do suspend him, they get ripped for sending the message that it’s better to wrench a guy’s marbles than it is to hit someone in the chest. And if they don’t, they’re being entirely hypocritical.

As for post-game quotes, here are two, and they’re both bad news for the Suns. First, Raja:

“It’s been a pretty physical series, and at that point in time I had caught another elbow in the jaw and I lost my head and overreacted to it,” Bell said. “It could have cost my team and for that I’m sorry.”

Well, that’s pretty much an admission that he lost it and clotheslined the guy on purpose, right? I appreciate the honesty, but if he wanted to avoid further punishment, something like, “I went for the ball, we got tangled up, it’s a physical game, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone” probably would’ve been better. And now, Kobe:

“That’s how I grew up playing basketball in Philadelphia,” he said. “I love playing that style. It excites me more than anything.”

That’s not good for the Suns. Two things can happen when Kobe gets excited… 1) you get forcefully bent over a hotel room bed, and Kobe takes what he wants. Or 2) he kills you in Game Six.

Anyway, the Suns made the series 3-2 last night, so it heads back to LA, where the Lakers will have a chance to wrap it up… presumably without Raja Bell, who they would miss dearly. But the good news for all of us is that there’s some healthy dislike built up in this series, and it’s going at least six games. I’d love to say that this is easily the best first round series in recent memory, but Heat/Bulls and Cavs/Wizards have been almost as fascinating, and Spurs/Kings still has a chance to get there. This first round has been unbelievable.

And Kwame Brown, I hope you’re innocent.

I guess some Sports Emmys were given out the other day… the good news is that TNT’s Inside the NBA won the award for Outstanding Studio Show. The bad news is that Joe Buck won the award for play-by-play.

I just… don’t… get it. I don’t understand why people like Joe Buck. I don’t know anyone who thinks he’s good, I don’t know anyone who enjoys him… I’m not even sure that I know anyone who doesn’t want to punch him in the face.

There are two things that I can’t stand when done by a play-by-play person, and they always seem to go hand-in-hand… 1) believe that they are a reason that people are watching, and 2) interject their own opinion. Joe Buck does both. He’s got Troy Aikman sitting next to him, and he can’t just leave it to Aikman to provide the football opinion… he’s got to do it himself. My favorite was when he was watching a team move up the field at the end of a half in their 2-minute offense, and he asked, in all seriousness, “Hey, why don’t they just do this all the time?”

That award should be Marv Albert’s, every year.

And of course, there was this:

Courtesy of Armchair GM.

After yesterday’s revelations that Daly’s gambling makes Michael Jordan look like a little bitch, this thorough AP article finds some more gems from Daly’s book. I think a bulleted list is in order…

• He was disqualified from a junior tournament when a bottle of whiskey was found in his bag.

• In college, he had to lose 60 pounds to be on the golf team. So he went on a whiskey/cigarettes/popcorn diet that sent him to the emergency room. But he did lose the 60 pounds.

• His father, in a drunken rage, once held a gun to his head.

• He named his second daughter after a rehab center.

Goodness gracious.

The Miami Dolphins have opened up their arms for Marcus Vick… kinda. They’re inviting him to their mini-camp for kind of an audition… he won’t be getting a contract, he won’t be getting a paycheck, and I think he has to bring his own footballs to throw. But he will get a chance.

These things do often lead to contract offers, so… if he steps in there and plays well, and manages not to break the law and stay off of boats with Daunte Culpepper, he could get a contract. All he’ll have to do is beat out either Brock Berlin or Cleo Lemon. You’ve gotta like his chances on that one… I think the woman who got herpes from Marcus’s brother throws a tighter spiral than Brock Berlin.

If it doesn’t work out, though… Michael Smith says the Canadian Football League is an option. How odd that just as Doug Flutie could be retiring, a talented and productive college quarterback could be forced to Canada to start his professional football career. It’s like everyone has always said about Marcus Vick… he’s the next Doug Flutie.

Truthfully, I still can’t believe that no one gave him even a free agent contract. He’s just too talented not to have gotten one.

In a new book that’s coming out next week, John Daly discloses that he’s lost between $50 and $60 million in his life through gambling. That’s… Goodness gracious. That’s a “holy fuck” kind of a number. His gambling problem appears to be not only addiction, but he also seems to be a really, really bad gambler.

In one episode, he won $750,000 for his finish in the World Golf Championship… then drove immediately to Vegas and lost $1.65 million in five hours. The most bizarre part of the story, at least to me, is that he lost that much playing $5,000 slot machines… which aren’t even fun. To each his own, I guess, but… if you’re going to lose that much lumber, at least make it enjoyable. At least do more than pull a lever. Some blackjack, some craps, some poker… I dunno. That might just be me.

There are other stories just like one in the article. It’s really just staggering… I can’t relate. And this, which frightens the hell out of me, is his plan for the future:

He said he plans to start at the $25 slots in the casinos and set a “walkout loss number,” which would tell him it’s time to leave.

“If I make a little bit, then maybe I move up to the $100 slots or the $500 slots, or maybe I take it to the blackjack table,” he wrote. “It’s their money. Why not give it a shot, try to double it? And if I make a lot, I can…

“Well, that’s my plan.”

I think that’s a very bad plan. I’ve got a better plan, I think: stay the hell out of the casino. Walkout loss numbers are good, but… you can’t finish the sentence without talking about upping your bets and trying to double your money. That’s a pretty good sign that you don’t have a handle on this problem. It’s like a heroin user saying, “You know, I think I’ll just shoot up a little bit.”

Don’t get me wrong, I realize that it’s not as easy as just stayout out of the casino. The man is clearly the all-time heavyweight champion of addictive personalities. While talking to former Cowboys linebacker Hollywood Henderson in rehab for drinking, Hollywood told Daly to be careful, because he’d find something sooner or later that he loved as much as drinking. It’s gambling… and, you know, if it goes too far with gambling, you don’t start shaking and need help walking off the green. You get Joe Pesci clamping your head in a vice.

I really wish the best for John Daly… some major therapy is in order here. PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem has offered the help and support of the Tour, and I hope they can do something for the guy.

I’m not sure that I want to live in world where it’s OK to sexually assault Chris Kaman. I’ve been enjoying the first round of the NBA Playoffs as much as I’ve ever enjoyed any sporting event, but… I might have to stop watching the NBA now. I cannot believe that he was not suspended for that. Oh, he was fined… $10,000. Which is about the same punishment the NBA might give out to a guy for doing something outlandish like, oh, I dunno… wearing warm-up pants on the way to the arena.

I just am in disbelief… If you take a step back and look at the danger involved in some of the previous incidents where guys have been suspended in the NBA playoffs, I believe that the Evans/Kaman ball tug might be the most dangerous. James Posey hit Kirk Hinrich before he went up for the lay-up… had he hit him a second later, as Hinrich was in the air, then, yes, that’d be more dangerous. Artest’s shot to Manu Ginobili’s head was barely anything. A firm tug on the ballsack by a man as strong as Reggie Evans… I’m no urologist, but that could mess up your goods, right?

I really am shocked by the lack of a suspension here. Shocked, I tell you. Maybe the NBA is thinking that it doesn’t warrant suspension because usually, Chris Kaman has to pay people to touch his balls… and they just view this one as a freebie. I have no idea.

Doug Flutie, according to the Boston Herald, is about to announce his retirement, ending the Flutie/Brady QB controversy in New England. I’ve been a supporter of Little Dougie throughout his career, and I didn’t want to let his retirement pass without a few words.

It’s really kind of a shame that he didn’t have a better NFL career… I think he could have. The man produced. I know he’s 11 inches tall, and I know that poses a lot of problems for an NFL quarterback, but… the man just produced. The fact that he was ever mired in an actual quarterback controversy with Rob fucking Johnson is a travesty.

He won the Heisman Trophy in college with Boston College, but more importantly, authored perhaps the best sports highlight ever… the Hail Mary pass that beat Miami, of course. He was a consenus All-American, won four player of the year awards, and was even a damn finalist for the Rhodes Scholarship. He was, however, unable to beat WVU in four tries.

He signed with the USFL out of college, and the league quickly folded. He then went to Canada and won three Grey Cups, and was named the league’s Most Outstanding Player six times.

Not that I feel bad for Doug in any way… he’s a hero in Canada, his bank account probably looks pretty nice, and he should have free corn flakes for the rest of his life. He’s had a hell of a professional career… ending, of course, with an extra-point drop kick, the first in the NFL in over 60 years.

A day after burying the Phoenix Suns in Game Four, Kobe’s wife Vanessa gave birth to a little girl, the couple’s second. Her name is Gianna, and her first words were, “Hey, Steve Nash, that MVP trophy doesn’t seem to mean a whole lot right now, does it?”

And Shaquille O’Neal’s wife Shaunie also gave birth yesterday, just six minutes before Vanessa Bryant did. They named their child Mearah Sanaa O’Neal, and she was 53 inches long and weighed 81 pounds. Her first words, “Hey, why is mommy’s birth canal so goddamn wide?”

Congratulations to both of them.

I knew that NFL teams had some pretty major concerns about Marcus Vick, but… I didn’t know it was this bad. A full day after the NFL draft, Marcus Vick has yet to sign a free agent contract with any team. I thought he’d get drafted in the 5th or 6th round, and at least get a shot. But here we are, two days after the draft, and he still hasn’t signed with anyone. A homophobic hick power forward has signed a contract… and Marcus Vick hasn’t.

I hope he’s just taking his time and sorting through the offers, looking for the best situation, trying to find the city with the least depth on the QB chart, and the most lax security at area McDonalds franchises. But it’s also possible that no one’s calling at all… which would be absolutely amazing, considering the talent he displayed at college. I find it hard to believe that with all the character issues people have had in the NFL, that they’re drawing the line at Marcus Vick.

We shall see.

A lot of things we talk about here are utterly pointless, but I think this particular exercise is the most inconsequential and worthless of them all: draft grades. In five years, sure, grade the hell out of them. Get out the red pen, get some gold stars, and make smiley faces all over the place. But for right now, it’s just masturbation.

I get the appeal of the draft… and I was as thrilled to watch it as anyone. You want your team to fill needs, you have your favorite college players, you have opinions on guys, and that’s fine… grades on just the first round might be doable, which is alright with me, since Antonio Cromartie is going to be the greatest cornerback ever. But putting any kind of an accurate grade on a team’s entire draft… well, that’s just not possible until your 3rd rounder gets arrested for pulling a gun on a cafeteria worker and your 6th rounder becomes the first guard to ever win the league’s MVP. You can’t project anything. No one alive could grade these things accurately… not even if Mel Kiper Jr. and Dr. Z had a lovechild, named it Mel Z. Jr., and that child was raised by the guy with the stopwatch at the NFL combine.

So I’m giving every team an A+ just for showing up and trying so hard. Congratulations to all you guys, you deserve it.

I’m sorry I didn’t have anything posted bright and early this morning, but that’s because I was still trying to process this:

Reggie Evans… went downstairs. I’m just a little disconcerted about a couple of things… 1) having to listen to Chris Kaman talk about his nuts so much… 2) the fact that someone wanted to touch Chris Kaman’s balls. It’s um… I dunno. I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it. But let us all give thanks to both YouTube and the TNT studio crew.

I just don’t know if I should call Reggie Evans a sick, sick, fuck… or praise him for having a greater desire to grab a rebound than any man has ever had in the history of the world. I’m all for hustle, and giving your all, and sacrificing for the team… but hey, there is no rebound out there that is worth me having to touch Chris Kaman’s nether regions. No rebound is worth that.

I am curious, though… is a suspension warranted? The NBA’s set the bar pretty low for the standard of conduct that warrants a suspension. If Artest deserved one, and Posey deserved one… then I’d think any sort of assault on the genitalia and/or attempted sex act deserves one. It’s not as outright violent as a tackle, but… I mean… those are balls. You just don’t touch balls. I think some jail time might be warranted.