8 months or so ago, I decided I’d give soccer a shot. Prior to that, I had been kind of an asshole about the sport… I said it was boring and girly and the rules were dumb… all your standards. Really, it wasn’t that I didn’t like soccer, it’s just that I liked being an asshole in regards to soccer a little bit more.
I don’t recall exactly what it was that spurred me to give soccer a real chance. But it didn’t have anything to do with the MLS, Brandi Chastain’s sports bra, or Freddy Adu. But I somehow ended up watching some Saturday morning/afternoon Premiership games with my buddy Danks, and a bearded, drunk Columbian guy who woke up on Danks’ couch around time for kick-off. This all happened at the beginning of this past Premiership season.
Going into it, here were some of the things I’d have to overcome:
1) The time situation. I still really don’t understand this one. I don’t know why it’d be such a problem to give fans an idea of when the game is going to end. If there’s four minutes of injury time, fine, put four minutes on the clock, and let’s play until it hits 0:00. How it seems to work, though, is that someone will arbitrarily decide how much more time should be added, and then the ref will blow his whistle whenever the hell he feels like it.
2) The soccer people. This is a big one. My problem is not with the crazed international fans of soccer… but rather, with the American soccer fans who act like they’re more cultured and refined people than any of the unwashed inbred hicks who don’t watch it. They know who they are. They say “football” instead of “soccer,” “kit” instead of “uniform,” “pitch” instead of “field,” and heap scorn upon you if you don’t. And it’s not that it’s at all wrong to say those things, but for these douchebags, it’s what it’s all about. Being different and cool and unique and special because they know terms that you don’t. I don’t even know if they like the sport, they just like being a part of the special soccer fan club. Fuck these people in the auditory canal. I think it’s important to understand that you don’t have to like or become one of these bastards to enjoy soccer.
3) Letting go of my desire to make fun of soccer. It should be the easiest thing, but is probably actually the hardest. It’s just easy to make fun of soccer. I didn’t understand and didn’t attempt to, so when told me about an awesome 1-0 soccer game, I said, “Hey, 1-0, that sounds awesome,” and then called them women. Easy and fun, just like that. And if you have any desire to try and enjoy soccer, you’ve got to drop that completely. Stop looking for things you don’t like. It’s not as easy as it sounds, to clear your mind of all that, especially if you’ve been anti-soccer for a long time. And I was. And if the effort isn’t honest, it’s not going to happen. If you sit down in front of a World Cup game and say, “Fine, I’ll give this damn thing a chance,” and you turn it off after 20 minutes, then all you’ve done is waste twenty minutes.
I hate to skip ahead in the story, but it really was as simple as this: I started watching it, and I kind of liked it. And before I get too far ahead of myself, let me just make it clear, in case it isn’t obvious enough, that I’m no soccer expert. I can’t expect to even come close to fully understanding the sport after just one season of viewing. But fortunately, I don’t have to have a complete grasp of the sport to enjoy it. I’m just giving you my experience here, and I’m not claiming it to be anything past that.
So with that out of the way, I started watching, and here’s how it went down. And I really hate to sound like one of the guys who are really adamant that you like soccer, because I really don’t care if you do or not, but… the skill and creativity involved in soccer at highest level is pretty staggering. A lot of these guys can control a round ball with their feet as well as you or I could with our hands, and that’s just freakish. A guy like Thierry Henry has a ton of different ways to fake and move the ball, and all of them seem to defy the laws of physics. The things that Ronaldinho can do with a soccer ball, in my opinion, are not exceeded by what Steve Nash can do with a basketball or what Tom Brady can do with a football.
Soccer’s also the closest thing to basketball, in my estimation, and you know that I love the basketball. It’s very similar in terms of guys filling individual roles and having to know and stick with those roles. You’ve got your scorers, your playmakers, your defenders, your attacking defenders… and if any of them try to do something outside of their role, the whole play will break down. It’s about getting the ball into position, seeing the field, making smart and accurate passes, taking the best shot you can get, and, when appropriate, letting someone’s individual creativity and talent take over.
And if you can start to appreciate that, some of your pre-conceived criticisms disappear. For instance, the time thing. It hasn’t been an issue in a long time. Yes, objectively, it’s still a little bit goofy. But after a while, it’s not an issue… you just accept it as a part and tradition of the game. And instead of a clock deciding that a goal or a point or a touchdown was one-tenth of a second too late, maybe it’s preferable for the ref to just let it get to a reasonable stopping point and blow the whistle himself.
And the “low-scoring” criticism, I don’t think is valid. It’s just something that people say because it’s easy to say. It’s an easy shot to take. I don’t believe that Americans reject soccer because the scores are too low. The same people who use a 1-0 score to poke fun are a lot of the same people who will tell you that a 1-0 “pitchers duel” in baseball can be exciting, or that a 6-3 football can be an enthralling “defensive struggle.” And once upon a time in America, there were some hockey fans. I just don’t believe that the lack of scoring is a real issue. If people wanted to adjust to that, they could, without problem. They just choose not to.
With all this said, however, there are still some things I don’t like about the game… but none of them are enough to make me dislike the sport as a whole, and I certainly list more than a few things I don’t like about the NFL, NBA, or MLB, too. But here they are:
Flopping/diving. Some of these guys make Vlade Divac look like Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull. The flopping is out of hand. And it’s not like NBA flopping. If Erick Dampier flops, he’s back on his feet in three seconds. Soccer players go the extra mile. It takes much less to indunce a flop, and when it happens, they like to lay on the field for six to eight minutes, even after it’s clear they aren’t getting the call. They’ll stop at nothing. A guy will lie there, scream, cry, have a priest come and administer last rights, be carted off in an ambulance, and pretend to not respond when tey use the heart paddles on him, begin funeral planning, and then he’ll be back on the field in 10 minutes without a limp. Pisses me off.
When a game is bad… yeah, it’s bad. A match where neither team can sustain a possession is pretty much unwatchable. The ball bouncing back and forth in the midfield, with aimless headers and intercepted passes, nowhere near the goal… that’ll put you to sleep. I guess you could say this for any sport, but… bad soccer is really bad. I do recommend, if you’re going to try to give soccer a chance, that you watch the highest level possible.
A word on hooliganism. And obviously, I don’t approve of the violence committed by crazy bastard “soccer fans.” And that’s the issue… the hooliganism really doesn’t have anything to do with soccer. When gangs of British hooligans brawl, they’re not brawling to defend the honor of their team, or out of any real disagreement… they really just like to get liquored up and fight. And hey, who doesn’t? Would it really shock anyone if the SEC decided to adopt the idea of “firms” of violent hooligans? A group of 40 Vols fans meeting 40 Gator fans behind a barn somehwere and going toe-to-toe with fists and clubs… that has to have happened at some point. Instead of the media calling it soccer violence, I’d rather they just covered it as a whole other sport. Have standings and everything.
So that’s where I am: still with a few minor issues, but still learning and very much enjoying. And if you’re one of the 90% or so of readers that hate soccer, or don’t want to give it a chance, I’m certainly not trying to tell you that you should like soccer, or that you’re dumb if you don’t. If you don’t like it, I’m sure you have your reasons. Certainly, not all sports appeal to me. But I do believe that a lot more of you could be soccer fans if you wanted to give it a real chance.
But, like I said… it’s not my intention to push you in that direction. Just letting you know that the option exists, and it might not be quite as intolerable as you think.
insomniac Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 1:22 am
I may not be a fan of legitimate soccer, but I must admit that I’m quite interested in seeing the rest of that photoseries posted above.
Hey, it’s a start…
DookieStyle Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 7:44 am
Well said MJD. I’m looking forward to your world cup coverage.
Dave141 Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 8:29 am
mjd,
Very well said.
About four years ago, I used to feel the same way you used to about soccer. And I think I especially liked the “making fun of it” part. It was just too easy to abuse. But I started to get into it right around the last World Cup. And I know why, too. It was because those lousy baseball fuckers were talking strike/lock-out again, and I didn’t want to be left without something to watch in the summer. Funny thing is, when I gave it an honest shot, I found I really enjoy soccer. To me, it combines some of the best elements of basketball (like you said) and hockey. Now, I’m not one of those douchebags who claims that Fulham v Charlton on a Sunday afternoon is better than the NFL, but I probably watch more soccer than baseball right now.
I also agree that the feigning of injury is really annoying, which is why I wouldn’t recommend Italian, South American or even Spanish soccer to a new American fan. Stick with England, where it’s less likely you’ll get a bad match and most of the players try to stay on their feet.
lopey Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 9:19 am
I’m not a big soccer fan, but I do enjoy the World Cup. The sport I’m starting to enjoy a little more is lacrosse, even if it is littered with spoiled frat douchebags.
postmanR Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 10:18 am
You make some excellent point about the game of soccer from an american’s standpoint, mjd. i went to london to study this past fall and like you, used to rip on the sport for all the above reasons. but once you’re sitting in a dorm lounge with kids from spain watching a barca-real madrid match, you start to appreciate the game and realize that the sport at its highest level is really worth watching.
Wes Mantooth Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 10:18 am
Agreed on the diving bullshit. FIFA should institute a rule that if they bring that stupid MASH stretcher and trainers on the field to deal with your sorry ass, then you have to stay off the field for a minimum of 15 minutes. That would cut alot of this candyass stuff out.
Mark Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 11:11 am
My biggest problem with soccer isn’t that it is low scoring, but that it is often no scoring. Which leads to having to decide the game by penalty kicks. That’s like deciding the NBA finals by a free throw competition.
I really think they should do something like widen the goals. I’ve seen a lot of games where one team plays very defensively, just hoping to score a lucky goal or force a tie. And it often works, because it is so damn hard to score a goal.
That being said, my incredibly bold prediction is that Brazil will win the World Cup.
testicler # 4 Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
I don’t like the offsides crap. Kinda like watching somebody break off a big play in football, but having it called back for a false start… but on every single big play.
Ron Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 12:17 pm
great post- started watching soccer off and on during the ‘90 World Cup, and noticed it is a lot like hoops, down to the obvious March Madness comparisons (seriously: my mom has a jones for 311 seeds, whether it’s the African champs or Marquette. . .). I really feel for anyone who’s seen a Scottish Vitale clone.
Re: the hooliganism- First, I think as soon as universities figure they can make a buck off the Sigma Chi/Kappa Alpha brawl, we’ll see it in prime time on ESPN. Second, does anyone really want to hear West Coast thugs crying annually about how people think they’re softer than the good ol’ boys from the Bible Belt?
paddy Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 12:39 pm
Great post. If you haven’t already, I’d really recommend reading “Fever Pitch” by Nick Hornsby. A really good read.
Paddy
Bouj Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
“Flopping/Paddles/Funeral”-stuff was brilliant.
I picked up on soccer before USA94, and I’ve been a big fan ever since. Some criticism is legit, but you have to look at the other side.
RE: Offside - The rule is there so that you don’t have guys standing back by the goal having their teammates punt the ball down to them over and over again. That is worse than the offside being called and slowing down the game. And honestly, they’ve adjusted the rule to the point where if you are not directly involved in the play, you won’t have it called. That way if someone on the opposite end of the field wanders offside and isn’t within 30 yards of the ball and isn’t involved in the play at all won’t get the call.
RE: Penalties - It’s the best solution for the short time frame. You can’t afford to let them play forever because the players will start dropping. Some teams will shut it down and play for penalties, but the vast majority of the time it doesn’t benefit them. It sucks to watch a team play that way, but they end up paying for it anyway. Usually the better team will finally break through (Brazil v USA in 94 and France v Paraguay om 98) or the negative play is punished (most anytime Italy ends up in penalties).
Dave's Football Blog Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
Soccer just brings out the asshole in everybody.
And you don’t see brawls like that with SEC football fans because the cops in Europe aren’t as power-mad and armed to the teeth as cops in America.
Of course, I took a corner kick in the nuts when I was 12, so I may be a little biased when I get off on a “Soccer is EVIL!” rant…
fredwilo Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 3:13 pm
I’ve also started watching a lot of English Premier League games since I got FSN — the EPL games in front of a packed stadium just seem so different than the MLS games with zero buzz. My buddies think I’m nuts that I’d rather watch Arsenal than the Seattle Mariners (I think they are the morons for watching the Mariners).
One other similarity to basketball — the refs suck. How many times a game do you see brutal offsides calls. As far as I can tell the official on the side (remember, I’m a newbie) has just about one job — to make that offside call. And to have a goal taken away b/c of a bad call is 100 times worse than bad calls in the NBA and NFL b/c those goals are so much more scarce. Why arent there 4 or 5 refs? A few guys are supposed to watch all of these insanely fast players zoom up and down the fied? Really? No wonder there is so much diving — b/c the refs suck…
Jon Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
I grew up a soccer player, and decided to continue to play when I was in college…of course it was intramurals. We played one game against a bunch of Argentinian fucks that wouldn’t quit diving/flopping. Finally I got tired of it and spit in one of the douchebag’s face and told them to quit the gay diving shit. I got a yellow card. I hate divers.
Tom Says:
June 8th, 2006 at 9:07 pm
While on a business trip to London a few years ago, I took a tour of Stamford Bridge (Chelsea’s home field) when Chelsea had a middle of the premiership team. Thereafter, I would watch premier league games on FSW and gradually learned who Steven Gerrard, Thierry Henry, Frank Lampard, etc. are. Then I learned what a derby is and who plays in them. All I can say is that it grows on you. However, Chelsea will never,ever, replace the Browns or Indians in my heart.
mikey Says:
June 9th, 2006 at 10:10 pm
Maybe next year you can start to appreciate horseracing.
yogi Says:
June 10th, 2006 at 9:20 am
the difference between basketball and soccer is that you’ll have a tough time condensing a hoops game into one minute or two.
but when you want to show what happened in a soccer game you show the goals - all two of them…and everrone knows that’s all there was to see.
thierry henri has the kind of skill that would make watching soccer worthwhile even without the scoring - but he is one of maybe five players worldwide who possess such skills, and with 11 players on the field (sorry - pitch), he doesn’t get the ball nearly enough.
also, the nba is always tinkering with the game and changing the rules so it would be more entertaing, as does the nfl. but change is almost taboo in soccer, which is why the game is still played in such a ridiculous format.
for instance, would it kill anybody to have limitless substitutions instead of just three all game? how about rules against stopping the game, as in flopping? and rules to speed up the game , like 15 seconds to get across the half line? and how about a few periods of play so that you can change momentum?
what i’m saying is - soccer has potential but it is still way behind hoops.
and it will probably stay that way cause it’s a european game and they are extremely conservative (much more then the worst american red-necks), at least when it come to their cultural traditions.
Jimmy G Says:
June 10th, 2006 at 9:40 pm
I enjoy the game, just not too crazy how some of the fans treat the brothers in europe. Never had a problem with soccer snobs, they always help me understand what’s going on.
Reverend Says:
June 11th, 2006 at 6:55 pm
I still have a few questions:
1) Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?
2) Have you had a sperm count conducted in the last 18 months?
3) When will Ellen be co-hosting your wicked gay blog.
That said, that was “parody.” I don’t thnk I could disagree with with Yogi more. The greatest fielding–which is to say, defensive–plays are as great as any hit in baseball. Is a swat less intersting than a 3-poitner or even most dunks in basketball? And a great play is a great play in football, and hockey too for that matter. Personally, I rememebr many great plays that don’t even work right simply because of the athleticism involved. Focusing on goals in soccer, in my own opinion, just means that the viewer doesn’t know how to watch the game–and this isn’t just the case with soccer. I am by no means a soccer snob, nor is soccer my favorite sport, but I simply don’t udnerstand that view-point: hell, people watch NASCAR for chrissakes? (disclosure: I have also watched NASCAR.)
If anyone is looking for another way to access/understand soccer, I recommend punching over to youtube.com and looking for clips of soccer juggling. “soccer” “juggling” “brazil” “ronaldinho” are some useful terms. Also, google has a new front-page “ig” in partnership with Nike with bite-sixed clips to advance one’s understanding of the rgeat moments that make soccer great.