The woman whose windshield was attacked by Ben Roethlisberger is getting threatening phone calls from Steelers fans. It’s mentioned in this article without a whole lot of detail. Just that the phone calls have taken place, and that a police report has been filed.

Certainly, not a huge surprise. In fact, I consider it a pretty big upset that it’s been limited to just phone calls. I’d have expected her house to have been vandalized by this point, maybe her car stolen… and I wouldn’t rule out physical assault on a 62-year-old lady, either. She should probably have just moved the second she hit him. If I was in her shoes, I’d have watched Ben bounce off the windshield, gotten out to see if he was alive, backed over him a few times so people would fear me, and then gotten back in my car and headed straight for Seattle, where I’d be given a key to the city, and they’d hold a parade in my honor.

I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t have backed over him. Unless he was in my way.

Anyway, back to the phone calls. What would one of those sound like? I hope this woman somehow recorded them, and they leak onto the internet. I’m envisioning something like this…

“HEY! Hey, you old bag! Do you know what you did? Don’t yinz know anything about Steeler football? You almost killed Ben! BIG BEN! YOU ALMOST KILLED HIM. DON’T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM? He plays for the Steelers, and goddamit, I LOVE THAT MAN.

(brief pause, followed by a sniffle)

He’s so good. And he’s big and he’s strong and he’s tall and he throws that ball hard and he wears nice clothes and he’s SO COOL. I can’t believe what you did to him. YOU HURT MY BIG BEN. I love him so much.

(pauses to sniffle and wipe tears from eyes)

I just don’t know what I’ll do if he’s hurt. I love him… I love him like men love other men. God, I hope he’s okay. They won’t let me into the hospital. Not even just to say that I love him! Can you believe that? I JUST WANT TO TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM I LOVE HIM!

(openly crying at this point)

God, I feel so empty right now, and I swear to God, I’m not gay. I can’t imagine what my Sundays will be like if Ben is hurt. The Steelers will go 6-10, and I won’t want to watch them play, and I’ll have nothing to do but listen to Journey and drink Iron City, and I’ll cry all the time, but I’m not allowed to see my kids anymore, and sometimes my pills don’t work, and BEN MAKES EVERYTHING OKAY. CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?

(fifteen-second pause, another sniffle, attempting to control the sobbing)

Hey, do you think I’m a good person?

(click)

I’LL KILL YOU, YOU FUCKIN’ WHORE!