I don’t know what the hell’s going on in Oregon, but… this has to stop at some point, doesn’t it? It’s not going to be long before the Ducks call a press conference and say, “Hey, you know what? We’re just wearing teflon this year. That’s right, teflon. Coated in mylar. We’ll be the shiniest fucking team you’ve ever seen. We’re going to have to issue special sunglasses to fans when they enter the stadium, because our uniforms will scar your goddamn retinas if you look directly at them. And if you try to watch us on TV, our uniforms are going to burn your screen. Do you hear me? Your television will spontaneously fucking combust. God damn, we look good.”

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