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The NBA Draft And Female Tennis Players Of Varying Degrees Of Attractiveness

I know I said I wasn’t giving you any draft coverage, but… slight change of plans. Actually, I’m not sure this counts as draft coverage at all; as neither Danks or I ever put together anything that could be confused with an intelligent, rational, thought… but this is our instant messenger conversation that took place during the draft last night.

And a quick heads-up… a couple of these links are very much inappropriate, if you’re in any kind of a work environment, or if you’re a decent human being. Particularly the Mary Pierce one, and the one right after Spanish Chocolate.

Danks: it’s nice to see they have the second string broadcast team tonight
mjd: Stuart Scott is going to brutalize us for like six hours.
Danks: yeah he sucks
Danks: the TrailBlazers are going with the fire sale technique
mjd: Oh, man… the Blazers are trading up and aren’t taking Adam Morrison.
mjd: People are going to fucking riot.
Danks: yes
Danks: i hate people with diabetes
mjd : At least he’s going to Charlotte, somewhere where the hair and mustache will fit in.
Danks : i hope he starts smoking
Danks : listening to Jay Bilas compared to the others is like listening to Stevie Wonder compared to Kid Rock
mjd : Yeah, it really is.
Danks : it should be Reece Davis, Andy Katz, Jay Bilas, and Eric Wynalda

mjd : And Julie Foudy laying in front of the desk, nude.
Danks : using a whistle and a red card anyway she wants
mjd : Rrrrrow.
mjd : Man, Morrison looks ridiculous with that hat on.
Danks : why is he trying to look like a damn hippie

mjd : Oh, good, it’s Dick Vitale.
Danks : "WHY HASN’T JJ BEEN PICKED YET BABY!"
mjd : I want to set him on fire.
Danks : best player in draft right there with Tyrus Thomas
mjd : Could be… depends on how he’s used.
Danks : hopefully he is used in many sexual ways
mjd : I think Scott Skiles is just that kind of coach.
mjd : Ooooh, the lavender sweater vest from Ty Thomas…
mjd : You rarely see that under a black pinstripe suit.
Danks : why the fuck is taking advice from Simone Augustus
mjd : The only thing he should take from her is her virginity.
mjd : Any team that drafts a guy named Shelden has never seen "When Harry Met Sally."
Danks : Sam Cassell has just drafted Sheldon Williams to the All Ugly team
mjd : He’ll certainly fit right in.
Danks : i cant wait for the second round
mjd : If Foye goes to Houston… Houston’s lucky.
Danks : does Greg Anthony know that he is full of shit, and has no idea what he’s doing
mjd : He spends all year watching the NBA, and all the sudden, they want him to evaluate college guys.  Whatever works, I suppose.
mjd : I don’t think Houston should take Gay… they need a guard. Marcus Williams should be their pick.
mjd : Oh, man. I hate to see Foye get stuck in Portland.
mjd : Their roster is now Foye, Aldridge, and shit.
Danks : i hope he likes dog fighting
mjd : That’s the team initation, he has to fight Qyntel Woods’ dog.
mjd : Man, Boston looks dumb right now… Foye for Telfair?  Come on now.
Danks : and Theo Ratliff motherfucker
mjd : Yeah, actually… he’s a Top-5 center in the East.
mjd : Shane Battier for Rudy Gay…
mjd : I hope Jerry West used lubrication during that rape.
Danks : wait what happened
mjd : They’re trading Battier for Gay.
Danks : interesting
mjd : I love Battier, and he’s a fine player, but… I dunno. Gay’s got star potential. Battier is what he is… and he’s not a rookie anymore.

Danks : he’s more confusing looking than Jason Kidd
mjd : Swedish, I believe.
Danks : i’d like to fuck some sweeds
mjd : Like Bjorn Borg?
Danks : Patrick O’Bryant

mjd : I think that’s a good pick, too…
mjd : It’s too bad that playing for Golden State will contractually require him to be mediocre.
Danks : yes

mjd : Oh, that’s fucked up, Dan Patrick.  "We have a big trade, we’ll tell you about it after this commercial."
mjd : Asshole.

Danks: yes
mjd: Sear Sene already?  Reeeeeach.
Danks: what the fuck
Danks : i think he’s an ex-goalie
mjd : 3.1 PPG last year? Yeah, looks like a future goalie, too.
mjd : Bilas: "Doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing offensively." That’s always good to hear.
Danks : we’ll never hear from this guy again
mjd : Wait, I remember this guy… I watched that USA Hoops Summit game.
mjd : Yeah, he blocked crazy shots. But that was about it.
mjd : Redick to Orlando.  I think Dick Vitale is masturbating.
Danks : did you see that shit grin on Vitale’s face
mjd : Yes.
mjd : A Trajan Langdon mention. That guy was good for me on NBA Live.
Danks : nice
Danks : have fun sitting the bench asshole
mjd : Ah, I think he’ll start.
Danks : not after i bust his knee caps
mjd : Fair enough.
mjd : Seems a little early for Hilton Armstrong. But look at the neck on that guy.
Danks : nice Merton Hanks is back
mjd : He certainly is plentiful in the neck department.
mjd : I want to drop an anvil on Stuart Scott’s balls.
Danks : i wish the ombudsmen would come out and say "I fucking hate Stuart Scott"
mjd : I think the ombudsman is Stu’s uncle.
Danks : nice, a black dude from Federer land
mjd : How do you take a Swiss guy in the lottery…
mjd : He’ll be playing for the New York Liberty in two years.
mjd : Actually, he does look sorta freakishly athletic there, doesn’t he…
Danks : yeah not bad
Danks : hey what do you think of Kim Clijsters?
mjd : Eh.
mjd : I mean, she’s not cracking my Top 10 list or anything, but… I would plow her like an Amish rutabaga field.

Danks
: Link
mjd : Goodness.
Danks : yeah i was never into her and then i saw that picture…and now i really wouldn’t mind giving her the dirty hewitt
mjd : I wonder if that Swiss guy has ever nailed Martina Hingis.
Danks : she looked good today
Danks : Link
mjd : Where do you find this shit, man…
Danks : damn David Stern is pissed
mjd : Wow… he fucking hates Dan Patrick.
mjd : I bet it took two or three people to help Hingis get that wedge out.
mjd : Lucky Ronnie Brewer… hello, Salt Lake City.
Danks : yeah
Danks : give me a name of a tennis chick and i’ll hook you up
mjd : Jimmy Connors.
mjd : I think David Stern’s been drinking.
Danks : Link
mjd : NICE.
mjd : Cedric Simmons… hey, ACC player that Vitale likes.  What a surprise.
mjd : I like the Rodney Carney pick for Philadelphia. He could be a stud with some work.
Danks : he can be nasty
mjd : Are they going to play him and Igoudala together?
Danks : good question
mjd : I want to poke Stuart Scott in the eye.
Danks : ha
mjd : Indiana’s going to get Marcus Williams here… just like they got Granger last year.
Danks : yeah lucky fucks
mjd : Or not.
mjd : Back to back Memphis Wildcats off the board.
mjd : Maybe teams just feel like Memphis players are NBA-ready because Calipari’s been paying them for so long.
Danks : true
Danks : Greg Anthony should be shot by someone soon
mjd : I think I have a crush on Jay Bilas.
Danks : i want david stern to get drunk and punch Dan Patrick
mjd : What do you think Stern drinks?
mjd : I say straight gin.
Danks : yeah that sounds about right
Danks : possibly Colt 45 40′s
mjd : I think that’s unlikely..
mjd : Big Ukrainian guy goes to the Wizards…
mjd : Fran Fraschilla likes it, so it must be a good pick.
Danks : I would listen to him if he could hold a fucking job
mjd : He looks like a malnourished Lurch.  Ukranian guy, that is.
mjd : He plays for "PARIS BASKET RACING."
mjd : Basket racing is a completely different sport. I hope he knows that.
Danks : that is a lame name, but not as lame as the Swiss soccer club "Young Boys"
mjd : Yeah. I always get arrested when I wear my "Young Boys" jersey.
mjd : Considering the way the NBA’s going, how are we 18 picks into this thing, and no one’s taken a point guard?
Danks : you think if the Knicks drafted Pittsnogle, that Spike Lee would give him a thumbs up
mjd : Spike Lee loves Pittsnogle.  I think he’s starring in "He’s Got Game 2" this summer.
Danks : Link
mjd : Why…
Danks : i dont know
mjd : Quincy Douby, to Sactown. David Stern approves.
mjd : I wonder why Quincy wasn’t at the draft. Was there a Bon Jovi concert on campus at Rutgers tonight?
Danks : haha
mjd : This Knicks fan wants Marcus Williams… good luck, fuckhead. IN THE RIVER, BABY.
Danks : hey Stuart Scott your mother’s a terrible cook
mjd : He is also under the mistaken impression that Nate Robinson is good.
mjd : That idiot Knicks fan that was on a minute ago now has on a Nuggets jersey.
Danks : hahahahahaha
mjd : Renaldo Balkman. Huge crowd favorite.
Danks : oh yeah
mjd : I don’t even know if that guy exists. I think Isiah just thought, “Wouldn’t it be awesome if there was a guy named Renaldo Balkman? I’m going to take him, just in case there is.”
mjd : He was an NIT MVP.  That seems oddly appropriate.
mjd : Jay Bilas is hammering the pick… this is fucking awesome.
mjd : I wonder if the Knicks could win the NIT.
Danks : Isiah should be fired right now
mjd : Hey, that’s odd. There’s a guy is jumping up and down smiling, holding a sign that says he’s depressed.  You don’t see that everyday.

mjd : Balkman looks like a janitor with a drug problem.
Danks : i’d rather draft Greg Anthony
mjd : That was awesome. Thank you, Isiah.
mjd : Spike’s keeping the faith.
mjd : Spike Lee is the one reason I kinda want the Knicks to get better. I mean, a schmuck like me deserves to cheer for a bad team. But Spike Lee is a genius… it just seems wrong.
Danks : yes
mjd : Andy Katz says Boston is trying to get back in the draft, to take Rajon Rondo… who is a point guard. Much like Sebastian Telfair.
Danks : oh great lets pay Brian Grants 45 million a year contract
mjd : So you take Grant’s massive contract, so you can have a back-up point guard?
mjd : I like Rondo, but… I don’t know how this makes sense for Boston.
mjd : I also don’t have any idea how Rondo gets taken ahead of Marcus Williams.
Danks : what’s made sense in Boston since drafting Larry Bird?
Danks : fucking Danny Ainge, hit or miss
mjd : If the Nets don’t take Marcus Williams, I’m just turning the TV off.
Danks : yeah its getting a little absurd
mjd : Marcus Williams to the Nets… Knicks fans are pissed off.
Danks : its a beautiful thing
mjd : Oh, man… the Nets took Josh Boone, too. The other guy the Knicks fans wanted.
Danks : haha sweet
mjd : Josh Boone, Jason Kidd… the Nets are becoming the "Hey, what fucking color is that guy?" team.
Danks : yeah what the fuckis going on
Danks : Link
mjd : Oooh. Not bad.
mjd : Man, the Nets did really well for themselves… back-up point guard, serviceable big man… Rod Thorn, represent.
Danks : Link
Danks : mary pierce, my my
mjd : I don’t have any sort of a response for that.
Danks : haha i wish that was real
mjd : She doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself there…
Danks : no
mjd : Wow. Rudy Gay’s watch cost more than my car.
Danks : was that rudy gay’s mom?
mjd : I think so.
Danks : not bad
mjd : Are you alright, man?
mjd : Hey, Kyle Lowry. I like that pick.
Danks : yeah it is a great pick
Danks : did Jim Grey get a labotomy
mjd : He seems depressed.
Danks : maybe Kobe Bryant raped his wife
mjd : That’s not nice.
Danks : i think Jerry West just laughed at Rudy Gay’s last name
mjd : Farmar to the Lakers… I’m not a huge fan.
mjd : 42-inch vertical… damn.
Danks : yesh that’s pretty damn good
mjd : My vertical is only like 39.
Danks : still not too bad
mjd : Oh, that pick was still a part of the Shaq deal for the Lakers… so I guess Farmar means that the Lakers won that deal.
Danks : i thought they already had
mjd : Yeah, Lamar Odom was really robbed in the MVP vote this year.
Danks : oh yeah
Danks : this movie looks funny as hell
mjd : I’d let Uma Thurman throw a shark at me.
Danks : yes
Danks : Sergio Rodriquez, didn’t he score two of the four goals against Ukraine?
mjd : He’s also a hell of a golfer.
mjd : They call him "Spanish Chocolate." I think "Spanish Fly" works much better.
Danks : Link
mjd : That’s a tight jersey.
Danks : yeah not bad
mjd : What the hell is wrong with Jim Gray…
Danks : i think he is trying to get fired
mjd : Hey, Maurice Ager… our first crier.
Danks : about time
mjd : I’m bored.
Danks : yes
mjd : Find me a Aranxtra Sanchez-Vicario picture.
Danks : got it
Danks : hahahaha this knicks fan is awesome
mjd : Mark Jones is disgusted.
mjd : Do they look for dumb Knicks fans, or are there just not any smart ones…
mjd : I actually kinda like Mardy Collins.
Danks : who the fuck is Mardy Collins
mjd : Big point guard, good defender… can’t shoot, thogh.
Danks : nice
Danks : Link
mjd : I thank you, kind sir.
Danks : next?
mjd : Amelie Maruesmo. With the big shoulders.
Danks : Link
mjd : Excellent work… though she does look a big mannish.

mjd
: But hey, I’m into that.
Danks : i try
Danks : next kind sir?

mjd : Capriati’s ass.
mjd : Awesome… British guy just gave Stern an England soccer jersey.
Danks : yeah that was sweet
Danks : Link
mjd : You are amazing.
Danks : i cant be stopped
mjd : I bet you can’t find a picture of Martina Navritilova doing a guy.
Danks : i can try
Danks : hahha i found something even better
Danks : Link
mjd : You are a world champion in this field.
Danks : i am only getting better too
mjd : Alright. Find Billie Jean King looking hot.
Danks : that may be impossible
mjd : That’s your challenge.
Danks : Link
Danks : the best i can do
mjd : Ouch.
Danks : how do you ref a street ball game?
mjd : That’s a very good question.
mjd : "Hey, you, the guy playing defense… get away from him."
Danks : pretty much
Danks : what the fuck
mjd : Hey, if Shaq thinks he’s Superman, does that make Cuttino Mobey and Steve Francis "Ace and Gary"?
Danks : i think so
mjd : Did the Bucks take the purple out of their color scheme?
Danks : fucking homophobes
mjd : I think they did.
Danks : they should go back to that picture of the Buck smiling dribbling the ball
mjd : Hell yes.
mjd : And those three-tone green side panels.
mjd : The Jews in the crowd love the pick of the Isreali guy.

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Matthew J. Darnell

18 Comments

  1. Not to be a dick or anything MJD….But Steve Novak went with the second pick in round 2…..Kevin Pittsnogle is still waiting for his phone to ring.

  2. “Balkman looks like a janitor with a drug problem.”

    Cracked me up.

    Danks is in his own little stratosphere with the pics.

    Outstanding.

  3. “Maybe teams just feel like Memphis players are NBA-ready because Calipari’s been paying them for so long.”

    fantastic

    that was an absolutely amazing recap, i had the same reaction to balkman’s mugshot

  4. “Josh Boone, Jason Kidd… the Nets are becoming the “Hey, what fucking color is that guy?” team”

    this was the GREATEST f’ing line i think i’ve ever read. MJD, you are indeed a comedic genius. Thank you for coming into my life.

  5. who the FUCK in milwaukee thinks red, forest green and silver goes together?????????? whatta nightmare.

  6. mjd, if some psycho ever decides to set Vitale on fire, you know who’s door the cops are knocking on first, right?

  7. Instead of smorgasboard for the upcoming nfl season

    just post IM convo’s between you two
    that was great

    what are the odds you do that more, every now and again

  8. i just got in trouble with the little lady for laughing too hard while she was on the phone. I loved it. “Plow her like an Amish rutabega field”…that was incredible.

  9. I’m glad I’m not the only person who noticed the “Knick fan” who suddenly became a Nuggets fan.

  10. yeah mostly funny conversation fellas except for the part about the knicks fan with the depressed sign jumping up and down…it was me and i was jumping b/c we were on TV…but otherwise disguested with the pick that isiah made who by the way is a complete moron and should be assasinated. Otherwise funny convo

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