I wasn’t planning on blogging anything today. But sometimes… sometimes, Eddie Griffin gets drunk, gets behind the wheel of his Chevy Suburban, and drives through a grocery store parking lot while watching pornography on his in-car DVD player and masturbating furiously. Hey, that kind of thing just happens every now and then.

I’m pretty sure that I’m going to live my whole life without ever masturbating in my car. I say that confidently. Should the mood ever strike me… I’d imagine that I’d pull off the road, perhaps find a rest area… something. Even if I lived in my car, I just don’t think I’d be comfortable there. Or safe. And if I did do it, and it caused me to crash into another car, I probably wouldn’t tell a witness that it was the reason for my crash. And I think masturbating in my car would be even less likely if I was an NBA player. There is no shortage of trim available to NBA players… even Eddie Griffin. And I don’t usually take pornography with me on trips to the grocery store. But that’s just me.

Oh, Eddie Griffin… so much talent. I’d describe him as a combination of Tayshaun Prince, Ron Artest, and Mike Cooper. He could be one of the premier roleplayers in the league, but, well, he’s crazy, and he jacks his dick while driving. NBA teams are going to have to add this to the things they investigate while doing background checks on their prospects. Scouting Report on Eddie Griffin: gifted shot blocker, long arms, defends multiple positions, versatile offensively, routinely punches teammates, is an alcoholic, fires guns at his girlfriend, jacks his dick in his car.

I think I’m going to go order an Eddie Griffin jersey.