I wasn’t planning on blogging anything today. But sometimes… sometimes, Eddie Griffin gets drunk, gets behind the wheel of his Chevy Suburban, and drives through a grocery store parking lot while watching pornography on his in-car DVD player and masturbating furiously. Hey, that kind of thing just happens every now and then.
I’m pretty sure that I’m going to live my whole life without ever masturbating in my car. I say that confidently. Should the mood ever strike me… I’d imagine that I’d pull off the road, perhaps find a rest area… something. Even if I lived in my car, I just don’t think I’d be comfortable there. Or safe. And if I did do it, and it caused me to crash into another car, I probably wouldn’t tell a witness that it was the reason for my crash. And I think masturbating in my car would be even less likely if I was an NBA player. There is no shortage of trim available to NBA players… even Eddie Griffin. And I don’t usually take pornography with me on trips to the grocery store. But that’s just me.
Oh, Eddie Griffin… so much talent. I’d describe him as a combination of Tayshaun Prince, Ron Artest, and Mike Cooper. He could be one of the premier roleplayers in the league, but, well, he’s crazy, and he jacks his dick while driving. NBA teams are going to have to add this to the things they investigate while doing background checks on their prospects. Scouting Report on Eddie Griffin: gifted shot blocker, long arms, defends multiple positions, versatile offensively, routinely punches teammates, is an alcoholic, fires guns at his girlfriend, jacks his dick in his car.
I think I’m going to go order an Eddie Griffin jersey.
jerloma
I knew a dude who used to masturbate while he was driving. He was from Kentucky. Not sure where Griffin is from but it may be a prerequisite.
June 30, 2006 at 2:21 pm
lopey
i just got fired for laughing.
franks and beans! franks and beans! have you seen my weiner?
June 30, 2006 at 3:08 pm
st3ffen
you could probably find any number of free eddie griffin jerseys in dumpsters across minnesota this afternoon… as long as you don’t mind the stains.
June 30, 2006 at 6:54 pm
Josh
Yeah, dude, who whacks it in the car? It’s all about getting road head. When she’s driving.
June 30, 2006 at 7:49 pm
DeeJay
I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING!!!!
July 1, 2006 at 11:12 am
Adam
FRANKS AND BEANS!
July 2, 2006 at 1:46 pm
Monponsett
Hey, Beavis…he has a stick shift…
Imagine if he hit a pedestrian? If the last thing you see on Earth is a 7 foot black guy strangling the snake to his Escalade DVD player as he slams you into a wall at 70 mph, it’s a pretty good indication that God probably thinks that you suck.
Even if you live, the first responder will have Jay Izm all over his hands.
July 2, 2006 at 10:57 pm
Rhondda Nunes
Funny…& disturbing…nice dichotomy!
July 3, 2006 at 2:15 am
JMD
Is there really any other way to masturbate than furiously? Does anyone masturbate gently? Is that some kind of weird tantra thing that I don’t know about?
July 3, 2006 at 4:36 pm
Bobzilla
Here is the lawsuit
http://static.wcco.viacomlocalnetworks.com/~wcco/Documents/Griffin_Lawsuit.pdf
“In addition, at that time, with one or both hands, he was manually manipulaying his genitals which he described to a witness at the scene, after the accident, as “jacking off”"
July 3, 2006 at 7:15 pm
Eegah
Oh come on, who hasn’t given themselves roadhand from time to time? Give the guy a break.
July 4, 2006 at 8:58 am
Rhondda Nunes
Well…. I dunno…I’ve never heard of a chica giving herself roadhand, dudes….
& I’ve certainly never heard of tantric masturbation, sounds kinda…uhm…deflating.
July 5, 2006 at 7:00 pm
mike
its pretty pathetic eddie griffin HAS to masturbate at all!! for christ sake he is an NBA player!! he could grab any piece of tail he wants and tell that slut to get on her knees and play a little game of “swallow the leader”
WHY IN THE HELL WOULD A NBA PLAYER NEED TO BEAT HIS DICK!!!
this is like a pickup line at a funeral. its like Sadaam Hussein giving a lecture to the UN on basic human rights!
July 12, 2006 at 12:46 pm
Rhondda Nunes
yes,yes,yes!!…..
But’s a male urban myth that NBA atheletes can have any tail they want…so sorry….but only the whoralicous slutty-ones…..
July 12, 2006 at 6:26 pm
mike
but rhonda, what woman wouldnt want to bang a multimillionaire athlete, purposely get pregnant by him, and then hit him up for child support for the next 18yrs? Maybe you wouldnt (you sound better than that), but i know a lot of skank sluts who would
its called “The Golddigger Method”
July 13, 2006 at 10:16 pm
Rhondda Nunes
why? Because I think it would be fun to turn those that think they’re the most entitled(insert over-confident-cockie-male-athelete stereotype-here; voila`!!We’re back to Eddie Griffin!)down. rejected!
(“You can’t always get what you want”…)
Beisdes, Im really busy pet-sitting. Dirk Notwitzke dropped off his kleine Shwartze katzke(little black cat) ‘n’ that’s interfering with my music practicing.He leaves hair on the piano dudes.Damn, I hate that.Certainly no time for human puppies in my life.
July 14, 2006 at 3:09 am