Archive for July 14th, 2006

July14

Large Benjamin Continues To Be A Large Tool

By: the mighty mjd

Ben Roethlisberger won’t be doing any public service announcements imploring the youth to wear their motorcycle helmets. He was asked about the subject on Good Morning America, and this was his response.

“Some people feel that, you know, I probably should be doing that and being a big advocate for that. But for me, I’m going to let people make their own decisions… So I don’t think you’ll see me doing any kind of billboards or advertisements.”

FREEDOM, BABY, YEAH! That’s great, man, you wouldn’t want to influence any kids on this subject. They should make their own decisions about the controversial issue of whether or not it’s better to have a helmet on when your face goes crashing into pavement. It’s such a toss-up.

I don’t feel like the guy is obligated to do any public service announcements if he doesn’t want to… that’s up to him. But it feels like he’s refusing to acknowledge that it’s even a good idea to have a helmet on. No one’s asking him to go in front of Congress and insist on mandatory helmet laws in every state, but would it kill him to tell the youngsters out there that a helmet was a good idea? Why can’t he do that?

And Ben also had some further explanation of his lack of a helmet on the fateful day.

“I had just gotten my bike all custom done. It was painted up and it was really nice,” he said. “I was supposed to take my helmet that day with me to get painted to match my bike so I could wear it all the time when I rode that bike and I totally forgot it.”

Yeah, Large Benjamin, you can’t wear a helmet if it doesn’t match your bike! How lame would that be? If your helmet isn’t custom painted to match your super-awesome bike, then you can’t wear it all the time. Everyone knows that. Non-matching helmets are for dorks! You know what the most important aspect of motorcycle safety is? Helmet-motorcycle paint scheme continuity. It’s a must.

I’m done with this dickbag. If karma exists, his QB rating will be about 11.2 next year and Ray Lewis will sexually assault him.

Posted in: Dickheads, NFL18 comments

July14

Backdoor Cuts – 07/14/06

By: the mighty mjd

• I feel like Virgil Sollozzo when he found out that Don Corleone survived the hit. It’s bad news for me. The fucking horse, as Barbaro will heretofore be known, is still alive and kicking. He’s suffereing from laminitis, which the doctor describes as an “exquisitely painful” condition. It could still go south at any moment. Whenever the fucking horse decides he doesn’t want to stand on the bad leg anymore, he’s getting the axe. And it might make me a bad person, but… I’m still rooting for it. I just don’t believe that the horse isn’t suffering, and it seems like even the best-case scenario has the horse still fucked-up for quite sometime. I don’t believe these efforts are motivated by anything other than million-dollar horse semen. Kill it.

• If you’re not American, or even if you’re just bilingual, the Toronto Raptors might be interested in signing you. In fact, they just signed The Swedish Chef.

• Bruce Arena is out as USA Soccer Coach. No need to run him into the ground any further, in fact, I think it would be more appropriate to thank him for everything he’s done for USA Soccer. Yeah, we were disappointing in the World Cup, but if you were to give Arena a grade on the job he did, and the marking period came before the World Cup, there’s no way it’s anything other than an A. USA Soccer, as a whole, made great strides under Arena. Maybe it’s time for some new blood to take it to the next level, but let’s make sure Arena gets his gold watch on the way out.

• Danks of themightymjd.com podcast fame, has started his own little blog, and then promptly taken a vacation from it. Danks’s interests include soccer, college sports, New England sports, Big East football, and the Chippendale’s calendar. He’s got a few posts up there now, so give it a look if you get a chance today. And, speaking of the podcast, we should get that going again sometime next week. I’ll keep you posted.

Posted in: Backdoor Cuts5 comments

July14

A Letter From Chris Berman’s Bull Mastiff

By: the mighty mjd

You gotta get me the hell outta here. You got a phone book? Go get it, call an animal shelter, and tell them a dog is being abused. I’m not using the word “abuse” lightly here. Why don’t you live with this obnoxious jerk for a week or two, and we’ll see how you like it. Seriously, do whatever you have to do, but get me the hell out of here.

Why, you ask? Well, for starters, my name is “Chris Berman.” I kid you not. And that’s just a nickname, my full name is actually, “International Superstar, The Beloved Chris Berman of the Worldwide Leader In Sports, ESPN.” Seriously, that’s what the guy named me. Lucky for me, he only uses my full name sometimes, like when he’s mad at me. But that happens pretty often, because I try to run away three or four times a week.

Everyday, he comes home, and he grabs my face and says, “Ohhhhh, look at you, Chris Berman, the most handsome and virile of all the breeds.” Then he’ll look at the ceiling, exhale hard, and then start rubbing his chest. Right about then, I vomit some Alpo, and then eat it again.

Sometimes, he’ll take me to PETCO to get food, and we’ll walk in the door, and he’ll go, “Hey, where’s your food, International Superstar, The Beloved Chris Berman of the Worldwide Leader In Sports, ESPN? That’s right, it’s in the BACK-BACK-BACK of the store!” Then he’ll laugh really loud, and look around and say, “Yeah, that’s right, I’m Chris Berman,” even though no one’s really looking at him. One time, he pulled a Sharpie out of the pocket of his Hawaiian shirt an autographed a lady’s Yorkie. She didn’t even ask him to.

And on the rare occasions that he isn’t staring into a mirror and practicing different ways to ruin the NFL draft, he’ll sometimes play with me. He likes to toss a chew toy at me, let me pick it up, and then knock it out of my mouth and yell, “It’s a FUMBLE!” This amuses him to no end. I don’t even care that he knocks the toy out of my mouth, but if I hear “FUMBLE!” one more time, I’m going to slice open his carotid artery. It might’ve been cute the first time he did it, back in like 1988, but this guy acts like yelling “FUMBLE” makes him Richard freaking Pryor.

I’ve even heard other people talk about how they feel bad for me. Every other week, Berman has a bunch of other ESPN people over. He says he’s having a “party,” but when they get here, he makes them sit down and watch a highlight reel he put together… of himself. Once, when he went into the kitchen, I heard Steve Levy and Stuart Scott talking about how it was inhumane, what this guy was doing to me. Stuart Scott threw a $20 bill in my doghouse, which was nice and all, but I’m not sure that he’s aware that dogs have no use for currency. Not the brightest of guys, Stu, but he seems nice enough. He also calls me “dog” a lot, but I think he does that to everyone.

Listen. Come get me yourself. I’m a good dog, I swear. I’m house-trained, I don’t slobber, I’ll play with your kids, and I’m completely capable of tearing the throat out of anyone who breaks into your house. I’ll go jogging with you, I’ll pose for your Christmas cards, I’ll even watch SportsCenter with you, as long as you promise to change the channel when Berman comes on. I’ll do anything you want, but you have got to get me the hell out of here, or you will soon hear of the first ever Bull Mastiff suicide.

Posted in: Letters from Pets9 comments

July14

This Is Probably Not A Surprise To Charles Barkley

By: the mighty mjd

The New York Times is reporting that some Auburn football players, and you’re not going to believe this, had some really easy classes. I know! Shocking, right? To think that there are colleges and universities out there who tolerate this sort of thing is absolutely chilling. If they don’t step in and stop this, soon you’re going to have players who just outright skip class. We just can’t stand for it.

Here’s the gist of the story, which the New York Times broke. Some high-ranking professor at Auburn gave out grades to football players, while very little classroom work was required of them. I’m sure the requirements were different in various cases, though former Auburn DE Doug Lengenfeld told the Times that he took a class that required him to read one book and write one 10-page paper.

Which, to me, suggests that if the professor’s goal was to give a really easy grade, he wasn’t that good at it. I expected something more along the lines of, “Read this excerpt from Penthouse Letters, and tell me how it made you feel,” or “Spell your name right, and you get an A. Spell it wrong, and I’ll give you a B, as long as you manage to make some sort of mark on the paper with your pencil.”

Perhaps I’m jaded, but… this doesn’t seem like much of a story to me. I would be shocked to learn that this sort of thing doesn’t go on nearly everywhere, and in most cases, things much worse than this. I’m not sure why this qualifies as a story, actually. It’s like someone wrote an article criticizing Rae Carruth for smoking unfiltered cigarettes. Yeah, maybe it’s bad, but… it probably wouldn’t be hard to find something much worse.

Posted in: College Football4 comments

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