There’s a noble new blog out there entitled “Kill Barbaro,” that a commentor told us about yesterday. There’s not a ton of content there right now, but it’s a worthwhile subject, and I’m sure there’s plenty of room to grow. I don’t want Barbaro to die nearly as bad as that guy. In fact, I felt a slight twinge of compassion when I wrote that I wanted the horse dead… I sense no such thing here. Anyway, I’d also like to point you in the direction of two opposing viewpoints.
Phil Taylor at SI.com and Bernie Lincicome at the Rocky Mountain News both love Barbaro because he represents all that is good about athletes. He doesn’t have any of the shortcomings that so many other human athletes have. That’s why people gravitate towards Barbaro, they argue. “No spite, no malice, no sass, no head butts, no misquotes in Barbaro’s autobiography,” says Lincicome. Says Taylor, “Barbaro isn’t human, so he exhibits none of the human failings that disappoint us in our athletes and coaches. He never put his hoof in his mouth like Ozzie Guillen, or fell in love with himself like Terrell Owens. He never held out for more money, stiffed us for an autograph, tangled with the authorities or coasted when he should have been playing hard.”
Hoo boy. I just don’t know how you get there. “Yeah, humans aren’t doing it for me anymore, so let’s start rooting for animals.” That’s solid. That’s lucid. In fact, I think I’m going to apply that to all areas of my life. I haven’t talked to a friend of mine on the phone for a while, and I don’t like that, so my new best friend is a goddamn Irish Setter. And you know what, I don’t have a ton of success with the ladies, so yeah, I’m going to start fucking Sea Turtles. It’s a better option for me.
I’m sorry, and I really hate to take shots at columnists like this, but come on, fellas, you’re better than that. You know why Barbaro didn’t complain about anything? Well, to start with, HE’S A GODDAMN HORSE. They can’t talk, alright? Man, Phil Taylor and Bernie Lincicome must have really loved “Mr. Ed.” And you know why Barbaro ran so hard? Because someone was beating him with a whip. It’s not that remarkable. And you know why Barbaro doesn’t have an ego like that of Terrell Owens? Because his brain is the size of one of Tom Brady’s balls. He couldn’t have an ego if he wanted to. His brain of capable of about three different thoughts, “I’m hungry,” “I wish the little guy in silk would stop whipping me,” and “my fucking leg hurts.” That’s about it.
And you know what, I’m not even sure that I’m buying that Barbaro is so noble and courageous. We all just assume he is, because he doesn’t say anything. He’s completely incapable of verbally expressing any sort of thought or emotion, so we don’t know what’s going on in his horse brain. He might be a colossal prick. He’s probably a complete homophobe, and he hates all the gay horses. This whole injury thing may be an elaborate ruse that he’s staging because he’s unhappy with the amount of apples that he’s provided every day. In fact, he might be faking the whole goddamn thing. I don’t trust Barbaro. Not even for a second. He’s suspect.
twoeightnine Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 3:01 am
His brain is the size of Lance Armstrong’s ball.
ericinmtl Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 7:35 am
This does it….the “sports” writers are nothing more than “I should have beens”. Like I should have been a quarterback or a baseball player, etc..
They are never happy unless the player is down on their knees and answering all sorts of stupid questions. I remember Felipe Alou in Mtl (when we had a team, not that I care mind you..) looking back at sports writers when they asked a stupid question or simply ask back @who the hell are you ?”.
That is exactly what we should be asking sports writers… WHO THE HELL ARE YOU ? Did you play the game ? If not, shut the fuck up !!!!
Terrell this, Bonds that…hey buddy you try to hit a 90mph fastball, you try to stop a slap shot, you try to go up the middle. Yeah I thought so.
I never played the game at their level. So I shut the fuck up. Except at sports writers….
Later
E
Matt Moore Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 8:03 am
Were you ever a sports writer, Eric? Did you ever write at that level? No?
Then shut the fuck up.
(That Kill Barbaro site is genius.)
Bish Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 8:27 am
MJD, you owe me a new keyboard. That was hilarious.
I don’t know what’s worse, the sportswriters who wax romantic about a fucking animal, or the brian dead douchebags who leave flowers outside the stable and post “Get Well Soon” messages on a web forum.
scot[t]us Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 8:53 am
I’m going to find the kids who made those signs, and I’ll be smacking one of them around for using the wrong “your.” Where are the parents?!?
Dave's Football Blog Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 9:37 am
One day, I will greet you by saying, “What’s up, you crazy shellfucker?”
=^)
Edward Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 9:59 am
Um, have those writers ever been around horses? Because horses are flighty and mean. They don’t actually LIKE people, but they know that people give them food, so people are tolerated (anyone who has ever owned a bird or a rabbit will know exactly what I mean). They are not nice, sweet animals (and ponies are the worst. Sertiously, ponies would kill you for a Clark bar in your pocket if they thought they’d get away with it). They have no morals…and why should they? They’re horses. If they don’t run fast enough, they become Alpo pretty quickly.
Dweeze Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 11:07 am
Bad experience at the petting zoo, Edward?
Bouj Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 11:23 am
It’s not an athlete, it’s an animal. And a prick animal at that, like Edward said.
Let’s solve the “Is Barbaro a horse homophobe” issue right away by bringing War Emblem over for a play date.
lozo Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 11:30 am
Dear Mighty,
Thanks for the support. If Barbaro does actually die, I think you can now take some credit for killing him. And that makes you a great person.
Sincerely,
dave
p.s. any sportswriter who calls a horse an athlete is not to be taken seriously.
rob Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 11:40 am
Any chance we could get Barbaro and Tommy Morrison together for a fight to the death? Neither would decline, since Barbaro can’t talk and Morrison needs the pub. I’d watch.
tony Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 12:02 pm
Man, I love the size of Barbaro’s brain.
Sincerely,
Bill Simmons
HuangKong Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 2:43 pm
this is why i fucking love this blog. good god.
and i second the guy who said that whoever made those signs should be smacked with them.
soozycue Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 4:09 pm
i think i puked a little in my mouth when i read the sign, “Barbaro, You’re in my heart.” This horse has become Jesus to spoiled rich girls with ponies.
Suss Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 4:22 pm
Dude, you guys wanna see how Barbaro enthusiasts to an article that merely says Barbaro will become obscure?
http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/06/27/031942.php
Note the date — this was before the whole leg imbalance disease.
Yeesh.
–Suss
the mighty mjd Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 4:47 pm
Some of those comments are amazing, Suss… the thing that still confuses me, in all of this… is how someone who “cares” so much about horses can support horse racing. That’s like saying you love women, which is why you like seeing them in snuff films.
Suss Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 4:57 pm
Indeed that was a fun week to just sit back and listen to the noise, feeling better about myself.
Oh, by the way:
“Posted in Things That Aren’t Sports”
Masterful stuff.
James Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
Bill Plaschke at the LA Times has about the same horrible take on the whole Barbaro thing. Be warned, its terrible.
The Big Picture Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 8:49 pm
“I don’t trust Barbaro. Not even for a second. He’s suspect.”
great angle, mjd. don’t know where you pull it from.
highlifer Says:
July 20th, 2006 at 9:00 pm
I bet he takes Lasix though. They need to keep him alive so he can testify before Congress.
Don Chavez Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 12:12 am
I think I’ve come over to the dark side, even I’m sick of the coverage and I’m a horse racing fan. Is there really a need for a press release other than he’s dead or he’s breeding? If he dies I wonder if the deuce will have live coverage of the funeral. Who will give the eulogy…my vote is for Hank Goldberg.
http://donchavez.com/blog/2006/07/20/breaking-news-on-barbaro/
twoeightnine Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 1:17 am
Suss, You seem mean.
23 Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 2:15 am
mjd,
I just want to know one thing: if you could hang a sign on Barbaro’s fence, what would it say?
Alright, two things: how does Edward know so much about pony’s affinity for Clark Bars? That comment gets funnier every time I read it.
the mighty mjd Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 2:46 am
I’d probably go with something simple and poignant… I think “FUCK YOU, BARBARO” would look tremendous on that fence.
Edward Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 4:52 am
I think Hallmark needs to start printing a ‘Fuck off and die, you irrelevant fucking horse’ cards, maybe with a sappy bit of doggrel on the front.
Sam Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 10:09 am
Trainers and jockeys get paid to make horses exceed their abilities and their natural inclinations. I’m re-thinking my interest in horse-racing.
“Christopher Reeves died for your sins”
s/ Barbaro
tony Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 10:41 am
If he dies I wonder if the deuce will have live coverage of the funeral. Who will give the eulogy…my vote is for Hank Goldberg.
Linda Cohn. Pausing only to have someone feed her apples and carrots.
And it’ll be on the original ESPN, but they’ll break in every time Bonds gets to the on-deck circle.
Johnny Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 11:01 am
What kind of a moron harps on the despicable human things that Barbaro doesn’t do? When’s the last time Barbaro donated to charity, for example? Or worked for peace in the Middle East? The Kill Barbaro blog is a blessing to us all.
HuangKong Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 11:01 am
“Linda Cohn. Pausing only to have someone feed her apples and carrots.”
ohmigod. OHMIGOD! AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHA. even your fans are brilliant, MJD. good stuff, Tony.
Brett Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 12:08 pm
“You’re better then that.”
Has Marc Jackson entered the building?
Mr Furious Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 1:29 pm
“Linda Cohn. Pausing only to have someone feed her apples and carrots.”
I was able to stifle my laughter here at work until that one…
Nice work all around, people.
Edward Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 1:44 pm
“Linda Cohn. Pausing only to have someone feed her apples and carrots.”
Look out, though. She’s dangerous when she charges.
Nice Linda. No goring the good people.
txcornhead Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 3:17 pm
I think we are all missing the point here. The biggest unanswered question is: “Who the hell is that hot chick hanging the sign, and how does she get her calf to look like that”?
Bouj Says:
July 21st, 2006 at 4:04 pm
You could go with a sign like:
“Die in a stable fire, nag!”
or
“Barbaro: soon to be the Other, Other, Other White Meat!”
Mark Says:
July 23rd, 2006 at 7:49 pm
I just hate the double standard. Sportswriters care about Barbaro because he won the Kentucky Derby this year. Any reports on when past winners of the Kentucky Derby, Belmont Stakes, or the Preakness had died? Didn’t think so.
Although I’d still hate to admit that I’d rather see an update on Barbaro than a story about Barry Bonds.