Archive for July 31st, 2006

July31

Remember When Jamal Magloire Was Worth Something?

By: the mighty mjd

Two years ago, the guy was an All-Star. Now, he’s being traded for a package of Steve Blake, Brian Skinner, and a tall Asian who is not named Yao Ming. That’s like going from prom queen to giving $4 blowjobs to truckers at highway rest stops in the span of two years.

So Magloire is headed for Portland, where he’ll be backing up Joel Przybilla. Raise your hand if, back in 2004, you predicted that Jamal Magloire would be backing up Joel Przybilla. If I was the Blazers, I’d trade Zach Randolph to the Knicks for their next 17 first round picks, and run with Przybilla and Magliore until LaMarcus Aldridge was ready.

In exchange, the Bucks get the afore-mentioned Blake, Skinner, and Ha Seung-Jin, none of whom are going to start, one of whom, Ha, who probably won’t be in the leage. Steve Blake’s a decent player, a good back-up point guard, and useful to have around, but… it still feels like a little bit of a giveaway on the Milwaukee side.

Posted in: NBA2 comments

July31

The Deadness Of The Deadline

By: the mighty mjd

Well, the trade deadline has sorta passed, with not a lot of big things happening. The biggest move was actually yesterday, with Abreu heading to the Yankees, which you can discuss in the comments, if you’d like. As for today, though, the biggest move is the one being reported by CBS Sportsline, Greg Maddux heading to the Dodgers.

So the day’s big trade involves a sub-.500 pitcher with a 4.69 ERA. It just pisses me off, because the Dodgers got both of the guys I was hoping the Padres would go after… Greg Maddux and Wilson Betemit. All the Padres did was pick up Todd Walker, a .277 hitter with 6 HRs who hasn’t played 3rd base regularly in 10 years. I dunno if they plan on using him there (though I’d think that was the plan, as Josh Barfield is entrenched at 2nd base), but 3rd base was the big hole they wanted to fill. And the Dodgers also picked up Julio Lugo, because, I dunno, they’re the Dodgers, and they can.

Elsewhere, the Mets moved to pick up a couple of pitchers, acquiring Pirates Oliver Perez (who used to be good) and Roberto Hernandez in exchange for Xavier Nady. The Reds picked up Rheal Cormier from the Phillies, and Kyle Lohse of the Reds. The Rangers acquired Matt Stairs. And the Tigers traded for Sean Casey. Discuss.

Posted in: Baseball5 comments

July31

This Testosterone Stuff Is Geting Popular

By: the mighty mjd

Justin Gatlin, as I mentioned on Deadspin yesterday, has failed a drug test. Testosterone was the culprit, as it seems so popular among the kids today. The world’s fastest man had failed a test once before, and could be facing a lifetime ban for this one.

From now on, anytime anyone in the world accomplishes something noteworthy, I’m just going to assume they did it with the help of some kind of banned substance. Guy wins the Tour de France? He’s probably injecting horse testosterone. Guy breaks the world 100m sprint record? He’s got the needle in his ass right now. Condoleeza Rice negotiates peace in the middle east? Probably coked out of her skull. J.E. Skeets writes a funny blog post? Without question, in the midst of a heroin binge.

Gatlin and his coach have chosen to go with the Marion Berry defense, something along the lines of, “Bitch set me up.” They’re claiming that some dirty massage therapist rubbed testosterone cream into him without his knowledge. You know, that’s odd, when I visit massage parlors, I’m looking to produce a little bit of testosterone cream myself.

I’m not saying I’m skeptical, but… hey, I’m skeptical. I’m not saying I don’t believe him, I’m not saying I do. But the “I got set up” bit is a little bit dramatic, isn’t it? Was this massage therapist hired by rival sprinter Asafa Powell? Was it one of Dr. Evil’s henchmen? Was it Frau Farbissina? Random Task, perhaps?

Some of you, when you were a kid, and you got caught smoking, or drinking, as a punishment, would then have to smoke a whole pack (or bag), or drink the whole bottle. I think the punishment for unnaturally high testosterone levels should be the the same. It’ll work the same way. At first, they’ll think it’s cool. But as soon as they have a testosterone level higher than any human or animal ever in recorded history, and they’re running around fucking any object in front of them, without or without a hole in it, it won’t be so cool anymore.

Seriously. Pump a gallon of synthetic testosterone into a guy, and he’ll fuck anything. About halfway through the second hour of making violent love to a concrete garden gnome, he’ll never touch the stuff again.

Posted in: Drugs5 comments

July31

Nicknaming Reggie Bush

By: the mighty mjd

Reggie Bush finally has his ass in camp (though Matt Leinart doesn’t), and Joe Horn has wasted no time in giving him a nickname. I love Joe Horn, but… well, this is a dumb nickname.

“I’m kind of shocked he’s (coming) here this early, but I’m glad, and I’m sure the rest of the team is glad Baby Matrix is here,” said wide receiver Joe Horn, who came up with the “Baby Matrix” nickname for Bush. “You ever seen “The Matrix” … when he’s dodging those bullets? That’s Reggie Bush. I thought of that because it was real. That’s what I was seeing out there. I mean, the guy’s phenomenal with his moves and the way he runs with the football. It’s fact.”

Be that as it may, Joe Joe, when I hear the words “Baby Matrix,” I think first of Shawn Marion’s little brother. And after that, I think it might be some controversial new birth control product.

Also Joe, I hate to quibble with you, but it isn’t real. I’m not sure if you’re talking about the movie, or the actual practice. But if you’re talking about the movie, that wasn’t real, those were special effects. And if you’re talking about Reggie Bush actually dodging bullets in practice… well, I guess Sean Payton runs a hell of a tight training camp. That’s got to violate some kind of an NFL labor law.

I don’t think there will ever come a time when I hear the term “Baby Matrix” and think of Reggie Bush. I’m hoping this doesn’t catch on. And if it does, I’m hoping Shawn Marion beats his ass, unlikely as that may be.

Posted in: NFL6 comments

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