Clark Haggans Takes A Majestic Shit

There’s big news coming out of Steelers training camp. Linebacker Clark Haggans has a healthy and functioning gastrointestinal tract. He displayed its functionality, and, upon leaving the newly Haggans-christened porta-john, was greeted by hearty applause from the Steelers faithful.

Clark Haggans knew it was a crazy day when he emerged from the portable toilet next to the practice field at St. Vincent College and the crowd erupted in a thunderous ovation.

“It’s almost a football career highlight,” said Haggans, an outside linebacker for the Steelers.

Just think what they would have done if they saw him jacking off in the dorms the night before. They’d have all risen to their feet and started chanting, “BEAT IT, CLARK! BEAT IT, CLARK!” And they’d have erected a statue for him in front of Heinz Field. A statue of Clark Haggans masturbating.

The above quote is from a Pittsburgh Post-Gazette article (courtesy of BenMaller.com) about fan reaction to the first day of Steelers training camp. Shame that Peter King didn’t cover this one in his latest MMQB. Steelers fans, if nothing else, are enthusiastic. And half of the people applauding–unless he was wearing his own jersey at the time–probably didn’t even know who he was. “Hey, I think that big black guy just took a shit. YES! THAT’S AWESOME!”

Matthew J. Darnell


  1. I heard it was as big as an eight-year old’s leg. Hope his prostate is ok.

  2. I’ve given myself a standing ovation after taking a good dump before but no one else has ever thought to recognize. Must be nice.

  3. Peter King only covers his own steamers in MMQB. He’s self-centered that way.

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