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Four Miami Hurricanes Engage In Ethnic Cleansing

Head coach Larry Coker has suspended four Miami Hurricanes for the season opener against in-state rival Florida State. It might be the biggest game on Miami’s schedule, and since this is Miami, where guys get shot, and then pull the gat out of their pants and return fire, these guys must have done something absolutely fucking insane.

I’m thinking… oh, I dunno, something like a nationwide killing spree. Perhaps a series of bank and/or train robberies, a few barnyard rapes thrown in there, the sexual propositioning of two different Mrs. Cokers (the wife, and the mother) as well as the afore-mentioned ethnic cleansing. Maybe they stole a bunch of those scooters pictured above… and then used them to run over a group of senior citizens. I mean, this is the Florida State game. Guys just don’t get suspended for the Florida State game. Whatever happened must have been seriously fucked-up.

Coker declined to say what prompted the punishment.

“It’s all the same incident,” he said. “The message is pretty clear: We have high standards here. We’re a program of quality kids. And these kids are good kids. They’re not bad kids. But we’ve got to get this message across.”

It’s for this exact reason that Miami should open up their season against a team like the Des Moines Polytechnical Institute. Because you know that someone’s going to shoot someone in the offseason. And every now and then, you’ve got to get tough and take a stand, and it’s just much more convenient to take that stand against a team you’ll beat 63-0 anyway.

Matthew J. Darnell

11 Comments

  1. Coker’s days in Miami are numbered, especially if team discipline continues to slide.

    As far as the suspensions are concerned, and their effect… you know how these Florida teams are: Suspend or kick a half dozen starters off of the team and there’s a half dozen 5 stars waiting on the 2 deep. And hey, maybe Miami just needed to keep up with the Joneses. Florida State kicked some dudes off of the team this off season as well.

  2. Well, if you’re gonna go there…

    it could have been a bout of necrophelia with Coker’s dear old nana.

  3. “Qualifcations?”
    “Rape, murder, arson, and rape.”
    “You said rape twice.”
    “I like rape.”

  4. MJD… thank you for doing the comments thread proud with that.

    A few months back, we had a story at work about a guy charged with rape, murder and arson all from the same crime… I about died.

    Secondly, is there video of Coker’s statement? I can’t believe that he could really say “we have high standards here” with a straight face.

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