Phil Mushnick of the New York Post feels a deep sense of obligation to the safety of his fellow man. That’s why he wrote a column yesterday in yesterday’s Post calling for the ban of something heinous, vile, dangerous, and life-threatening. Free t-shirts.

I’m actually all for the banishment of the free t-shirt launches into the crowd. But not because I’m concerned about anyone’s safety, but because it offends me as a sports fan. It drives me insane when you see people go to a sporting event and sit on their hands for two hours, and then the second they see a chance for a free t-shirt, they go nuts. Waving, screaming, cheering, begging; saying goodbye to all dignity because they’ve got to get that Nets t-shirt with “Foot Locker” on the back.

And on top of all that, it’s a part of the no-attention-span culture that envolopes so many professional sporting events… the bad music, the cheerleaders + dance team + junior dance team + male dancers, the halftime gymnasts, the game night emcees, the thundersticks, the everything else that’s designed for sports fans who don’t really like sports. Irks me.

So if the pursuit of these t-shirts is a little bit dangerous, if people get out of control over these things… well, I say we chalk this one up to natural selection. Yes, I’d hate to see a kid get caught in the middle of two adult idiots lunging for a $4.99 t-shirt, but if you’re an adult, and you’re making more than a casual effort to grab the t-shirt, then I think you probably deserve to have your balls stepped on. It’s not personal. But I do hope someone stomps on your testicles.