Marion Jones, a couple of days ago, tested positive for ertyhtopoeitin, better known as EPO. And after what I can only assume was a conference call with Floyd Landis and Justin Gatlin, her coach has opted to go with the “we were framed” defense.
Well, of course she was. It couldn’t be that the EPO got into her system because she put it there. In fact, I don’t think that’s ever happened to anyone in the history of sports or performance-enhancing drugs. There is one evil bastard running around out there, randomly tainting the urine samples of American athletes. I’m picturing a dwarf, probably wearing a kilt, running around testing labs with a tool belt full of drugs to drop in urine samples. That’s my theory.
I’m going to start a new company that athletes can hire to come up with excuses for their positive tests. For male clients, I’m going to suggest saying that you were at a urinal next to a huge bodybuilder when you decided to have a swordfight with your urine streams. For women, I’m to suggest saying that they recently engaged in anal sex with a man who confused his KY warming liquid with “the clear.”
Bouj Says:
August 21st, 2006 at 11:30 am
Yeah, somebody totally spiked Snaggletooth’s urine sample. And the dog ate my homework.
Mark Says:
August 21st, 2006 at 12:38 pm
I’m picturing the kilt-wearing dwarf who drugs urine samples as being a closely related relative to the car-key gnome, and the sock-stealing fairy.
You know, because those fairyland creatures don’t actually exist and are part of the excuses people make for being complete dumbasses about losing their keys and socks.
Or using performance-enhancing drugs, apparently.
drrew Says:
August 22nd, 2006 at 12:49 am
Here’s one thing I don’t understand about both Marion Jones and Floyd Landis and their respective sports.
Marion Jones who runs the 100m and long jumps gets busted for EPO, sometimes referred to as the ‘Endurance Athlete’s Steroid’ EPO produces more blood cells produces more red blood cells increasing oxygen flow…whatever, basically, it’s the wrong steroid for a sprinter.
Floyd Landis gets busted for testosterone, which is normally associated with gaining power and muscle mass (he’s 5′10 150) things that don’t necessarily seem to be incredibly important in cycling.
So what the hell is going on? Are they so stupid that they’re both seemingly using what would seem to be not the most effective drug and on top of that get caught? Or is there something else going on? Do the French hate us so much they’d set Landis up? With all of the past evidence in re: to Marion Jones lead to someone setting her up?
Both cases just seem a little off.
Edward Says:
August 22nd, 2006 at 2:33 am
This would make a fantastic plot for a modern Agatha Christie. ‘Who is spiking the urine samples of America’s top athletes with performance boosting substances of a slightly illogical nature?’ I see Will Ferrell as Landis, Brandy as M-Jo, Will Smith (in a return to comedy) as Bonds, and Rafael Palmeiro as himself. Lance Armstrong is the detective, and his bumbling sidekick? Jose Canseco. Warner Brothers, if you’re reading this, text me, we’ll talk about pre-options. I’ll fax you a list of directors I’m willing to work with.
Harrier Says:
August 25th, 2006 at 9:12 am
Many people don’t know when Marion Jones was in High School she was caught taking steriods. Because she was in high school the rules were not as stringent and she was only asked not do it again.
It is my opinion that once she was accused of taking EPO a while back, for fear she stopped taking it and her performance dramatically worsened.
Because she knew that if she didn’t take it, she couldn’t win, she made a conscious decision to try it again.
Now the party is over.
All you have to do is look at her square jaw