Forbes.com has released their list of the drunkest cities in America, and I believe that you can trade the causes for the alcoholism directly to sports. A brief analysis:
1. Milwaukee. You know, the focus here will naturally be on the nickname “Brewers,” as it should be, but I’d argue that the Bucks had more to do with this than the Brew Crew. It was those purple uniforms. Asking a fan to show up and root for the guys in purple threatens the fan’s masculinity, and counteract that, he has to drink to prove his worth. You could see a guy in a Michael Redd jersey and say, “Hey, is that a jersey or a camisole? Did it come with matching panties?” And then he’d say something like, “Screw you, bucko. I drink $7 scotch, right out of the fucking bottle.” And a champion was born.
2. Minneapolis-St. Paul. This one’s a surprise to me. So here’s the question: Did the sex boat incident happen because everyone in Minnesota is drunk, or is everyone in Minnesota drunk because the sex boat happened? I mean, Fred Smoot can’t get every woman in Minnesota drunk to the point that they consent to have a big rubber dong inserted into them. Or can he?
3. Columbus, Ohio. 70% of the beer consumed in Columbus was drank by one guy: this fellow. But he’s quit now, so expect Columbus to drop off the list next year. Maybe not, though. You throw in a dash of Maurice Clarett, a pinch of Mike Cooper, these guys, and some intense lacrosse molestation, and yes, the folks in Columbus have plenty of reasons to drink the pain away.
4. Boston. 100% whiny Red Sox fans. “Waaah, we’re cursed, it isn’t fair. We were just swept at home in a five-game series by our sworn enemies, my daddy never loved me, I hated Bill Russell because he was black, I can’t pronounce any word that includes the letter “r” and Good Will Hunting isn’t on free cable anywhere for the next two months. Oh, what am I to do?” Have another Mickey’s, you drunk son of a bitch.
5. Austin, Texas. Well, Texas is the top party school in the nation, an accomplishment that becomes easier to achieve when you win every damn national championship that the NCAA makes available.