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The Drunkest Cities In America, And The Reasons Why

Forbes.com has released their list of the drunkest cities in America, and I believe that you can trade the causes for the alcoholism directly to sports. A brief analysis:

1. Milwaukee. You know, the focus here will naturally be on the nickname “Brewers,” as it should be, but I’d argue that the Bucks had more to do with this than the Brew Crew. It was those purple uniforms. Asking a fan to show up and root for the guys in purple threatens the fan’s masculinity, and counteract that, he has to drink to prove his worth. You could see a guy in a Michael Redd jersey and say, “Hey, is that a jersey or a camisole? Did it come with matching panties?” And then he’d say something like, “Screw you, bucko. I drink $7 scotch, right out of the fucking bottle.” And a champion was born.

2. Minneapolis-St. Paul. This one’s a surprise to me. So here’s the question: Did the sex boat incident happen because everyone in Minnesota is drunk, or is everyone in Minnesota drunk because the sex boat happened? I mean, Fred Smoot can’t get every woman in Minnesota drunk to the point that they consent to have a big rubber dong inserted into them. Or can he?

3. Columbus, Ohio. 70% of the beer consumed in Columbus was drank by one guy: this fellow. But he’s quit now, so expect Columbus to drop off the list next year. Maybe not, though. You throw in a dash of Maurice Clarett, a pinch of Mike Cooper, these guys, and some intense lacrosse molestation, and yes, the folks in Columbus have plenty of reasons to drink the pain away.

4. Boston. 100% whiny Red Sox fans. “Waaah, we’re cursed, it isn’t fair. We were just swept at home in a five-game series by our sworn enemies, my daddy never loved me, I hated Bill Russell because he was black, I can’t pronounce any word that includes the letter “r” and Good Will Hunting isn’t on free cable anywhere for the next two months. Oh, what am I to do?” Have another Mickey’s, you drunk son of a bitch.

5. Austin, Texas. Well, Texas is the top party school in the nation, an accomplishment that becomes easier to achieve when you win every damn national championship that the NCAA makes available.

Matthew J. Darnell

22 Comments

  1. I used to spend a week every summer in Milwaukee for GenCon, and I remember of all the places I’ve been to, the Safe House was the greatest bar in the history of drinking. For those of you not familiar with this place, it’s a spy-themed bar with secret entrances, and you have to give a password to get in. I know, it’s kind of a threadjack, but trust me, if you’re ever in town, look it up.

  2. I can’t believe that Boston is drunker than Chicago.

    Maybe you’re right, MJD, that they drink to drown out their panic about the Red Sox, which happens when any Red Sox player even shits the wrong way.

  3. something tells me that a lot of Bostoners are gonna be on here today…

    freaking brilliant.

  4. Funny take on Boston because it’s true.

    Manhattan, Kansas should be moving up the list next year with Bob Huggins in town.

  5. Chicago #6? Apparently they didn’t do any of this research near Wrigley, or as the T-Shirts outside US Cellular call it “The Worlds Largest Gay Bar” I take that 20 ranking on heaving drinking as a personal challenge. Hooray Fridays.

  6. Judging by the slideshow, is this really the “drunkest cities” or the “cities where a culturally diverse group of trendy rich young folk can gather for boozing”?? It’s like the pictures in a college catalog on there! “Okay, we’ve got enough Asians, can someone find me a black girl, a Hispanic and someone from Bangladesh? All right, now everyone smile like you like each other!”

  7. The highlight of any trip to Austin has to be doing body shots off the tattoo on the small of some hot UT coed’s back.

    If New Orleans still existed, it would have been in the top 5.

  8. Um, off the small of the UT back is a highlight? I prefer to do my body shot off other locations, but to each his own. Small of the back isn’t in the top 3 even.

  9. The highlight of any trip to Austin has to be doing body shots off the tattoo on the small of some hot UT coed’s back.

    Ahhh, the ol’ tramp stamp!

    I realized that I haven’t really drank in most of the top 30 cities. But the one’s I *have* drank in… whoooooaaaaaa, doctor!

  10. As a Red Sox fan living in Red Sox fan territory, I’ll defend us. I don’t think Red Sox fans are that upset about the 5-game sweep. I’m not.

    Most people outside of New England get their Red Sox news from the media, and the Boston media is the worst — I honestly think that is what makes Sox fans look so bad. The media (not just Boston but ESPN etc. too) seem to be more upset about the sweet than Sox fans are.

    Maybe it isn’t their year… so what? I had fun watching the games, watching Big Papi hit game winners, watching Manny be Manny.

    Now if I could only find another beer.

  11. Speaking as a former frequent flier to Minneapolis and Boston, Beantown drinks with a higher average but Minneapolis hits waaay more drunken three-day benders involving fast moving cars, fields, and large friendly women.

    On second thought, fark the Twin Cities. I love me some Boston.

  12. Ahhh, the memories. Undergrad years, cocktail waitressing, Varsity football players licking shooters out of my navel while I lay across a bar top…it brings a tear to my eye. Plus the desire for bleach to sterilize my abdomen.

    Body shots off the low back? Whatever. Party in Vancouver, baby.

  13. I live 20 minutes south of Austin. I grew up in Houston. And I lived in College Station, which is a bigger drinking town than any of the other Texas cities mentioned, for three years.

    I don’t know what the point of telling you that is. Maybe it’s just to tell you I’m a bit of an alcoholic. As if the fact that I’m posting comments on MJD’s site at 2AM isn’t a big enough clue.

    Either way, I’m not the least bit surprised to see 3 Texas cities among the top 25. Now I’ve got to get another beer to help improve our rankings for next year.

  14. As a current Chicagolander, I’m disappointed that Chicago didn’t make the Top 5. As a former Ohioan, I am not at all surprised that Columbus made the Top 5.

    However, I express my belief that the poll is flawed for a few reasons:
    -Cleveland at #7: REALLY?!?!I mean, I know there’s the Flats (and Browns games…the beer does really flow there), but Cleveland? Any Clevelander out there want to justify this for me please?

    -New York is #32? The bar capital of the world? You think these people being surveyed are lying at all?

    -Detroit at #28? Well, perhaps this is justified by Eminem’s posse alone.

  15. That Dubuque, Iowa, is not on this list is a travesty. It’s been long rumored that Dubuque has the highest per-capita consumption rate in the nation.

  16. Chicago should definitely be on the list. I was there last weekend for Cubs/Cards, and my liver still hurts.

  17. Is it just me or does seeing Boston and Austin right next to each other make you think of Road Trip?

    Can’t anyone throw us a damn good reason why Milwaukee deserves to be #1 cause the GenCon afterparty at a spybar w/ secret entances(hideaways?) only makes me want to stay as fuckin’ far away as possible from Milwaukee.

  18. Everyone seems to be concerned with Boston and Austin. Or why Chicago did not make the top 5? I would like to know people’s opinions about Columbus. My thoughts are the football games are crazy.

  19. Columbus? Ohio State students drink ’round the clock, period.

    And this is universally known throughout the state.

    And no OSU student has ever denied it.

    That is certainly reason enough.

  20. A few of these cities have become such large drinking areas due to colleges/universities. Do you think it has gotten out of control? Why and when was this level reached?

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