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Clinton Portis Has The Green Light

Via Mr. Irrelevant and The Big Lead comes this excellent Esquire magazine profile of Clinton Portis. And it’s an excellent piece, and I hate to boil it down to just one quote, but … it’s a good one.

A fish tank in every room, for starters. His obsession with them also began in college, during his sophomore year, when his roommate bought one and suddenly their cinder-block cell felt like a pad. The most elaborate of his current collection has been reserved for his bedroom, where the magic happens. More specifically, it’s reserved for his bed, the headboard of which consists of an aquarium that nearly reaches the ceiling, a square-shouldered arch filled with salt water, coral, fish, and a freakishly large sea anemone that looks an awful lot like a gaping vagina.

“You gonna fool yourself, too?” Portis says. “I know what this looks like, but I got a woman down in Miami. We been together seven years.”

Um, dude—

“You know what, man, honestly? Yeah, I have my share. I have fun with it. I’m twenty-four, bro! You love to think that the woman you with, that’s the woman you want for the rest of your life. And I done felt that way. But I’m twenty-four! I don’t do shit to disrespect her. I try to keep it outta her face. But we have an understanding.”

Which is?

“Let’s just call it an understanding that I’m not perfect.”

Understood. In this regard, you are perfect, and you are not even going to make an attempt to try. Got it.

Before we get to that, though, first let me say that having an aquarium as a headboard… that’s just awesome. I would almost be willing to have sex with Clinton Portis if it meant that I could spend a few hours in his giant bed with the aquarium headboard.

Anyway, on to the green light. I’ve talked about this before, and honestly … it’s not a life or culture I’m familiar with. In my mind, if you have a woman, be it a wife, girlfriend, or whatever, cheating on her is bad. It happens, and people make mistakes, but at very least, it should be something you’re sorry for, right?

But for a lot of people, particularly athletes, that’s not the way things work. And understand, I’m not judging Clinton Portis. He does what he does, and I’m just saying that it’s not a lifestyle I’m familiar with. I don’t get Mormon polygamy, and I don’t get this sort of thing.

There’s just a lot of guys in the NFL, MLB, and NBA who are married … and there are a lot of guys in the NFL, MLB, and NBA who go out and pull a lot of strange trim. And there’s got to be quite a bit of overlap there. The wives and girlfriends know about it, they accept it, and they knew it was part of the deal going in. It’s just a very strange concept to me, and I don’t understand how the hell it works.


  1. The wives and girlfriends know about it, they accept it, and they knew it was part of the deal going in. It’s just a very strange concept to me, and I don’t understand how the hell it works.

    Yet another reason it’s too bad that Jackie O never wrote her memoirs.

  2. Rob Rob

    I look forward to a Letter from Clinton Portis’ Vagina Fish. Just imagine the tails it could tell… about.

  3. Adam Adam

    I’m a Cowboy’s fan and should hate all things Redskin…but good Lord do I love Clinton Portis.

  4. VTHokie VTHokie

    It’s called “Look, if you fuck with me, I’m gonna cut you off, and you won’t be getting any more of the fringe bene’s that all my coin provide.”

  5. Sean Sean

    Damn it, I thought you meant he is cleared as being healthy for the start of the season.

  6. Moore Ron Moore Ron

    You guys don’t have roped off sections in nightclubs where hot women come and audition to be with you? Happens to me all the time….

  7. Sea anemone that looks like a vagina.

    Something tells me that Portis might also be banned from Sea World for life.

  8. swing4 swing4

    VTHokie got it right. It’s a cost/benefit analysis for both people in the relationship. The women who stay get financial stability, and access to people and events they would not otherwise know or attend in exchange for ignoring infidelity.

    C’mon, why do you think Vanessa stayed with Kobe? She could have divorced him and lived handsomely off the settlement and child support, but then she wouldn’t be able to run in the same circles she does now. Plus, she finally got some leverage in that relationship when he cheated.

    Not saying it’s right or wrong. Just call it what it is.

  9. Moonshine Mike Moonshine Mike

    vthokie is pretty close, but it’s more like “look, I dig your shit but I need to spread it around some more. if you can’ handle it, we should part ways. if you can handle it i’ll be discreet and take care of you.”

    it’s called honesty. and it’s worked before to us low life losers as well.

    unless the ladies are psycho.

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