Archive for September 21st, 2006

September21

A Letter From Joey Porter’s Pit Bull

By: the mighty mjd

FUCK YOU, HORSE. What did you say? You got somethin’ to say to me, you oat-eatin’ motherfucker? I don’t give a rat’s ass how big you are, YOU DO NOT WANT TO FUCK WITH THIS. Look at you, horse. Horses are brown. You know what else is brown? The CLEVELAND BROWNS. I FUCKIN’ HATE CLEVELAND BROWNS.

Man, this horse over here keeps fuckin’ with me. Does he know who he’s messing with? Does he know the hell that I could unleash on his big fuckin’ ugly mule ass? Man, I am JOEY PORTER’S DOG. Actually, scratch that, that ain’t even true. JOEY PORTER IS MY HUMAN. YOU HEAR ME? I’m gonna tear your fucking horse heart out of your motherfucking horse chest, and I’mma carry it home, sautee it in butter, and put it in Joey’s dish, so he’ll have a full stomach when he kills Carson Palmer on Sunday.

Believe me, horse, you don’t want a piece of this. I am the toughest motherfuckin’ dog you will ever see. Fuck what you heard about Qyntel Woods and his dogs. Compared to me, that motherfucker’s on some WWF shit. I’d make him my bitch, horse, you understand that? You hear me? Qyntel Woods’ dog ain’t got SHIT ON ME.

I know you saw that Steelers/Dolphins game on TV a couple weeks ago, and I know what’s on your mind. Don’t go thinkin’ I’m soft. I know you saw my man Joey kiss Bill Cowher in that game against the Dolphins, but don’t get it twisted. My man Joey pounds the poontang like a motherfuckin’ jackhammer, and I hit it harder than he does. And as soon as I murder your big horse ass, me and my boy Bruno here and gonna go gang rape a poodle. Please believe that.

What’d you say, horse? There are linebackers in the league with a better all-around game that Joey Porter? WHAT? The Steelers are not a lock to get back to the Super Bowl? JEROME BETTIS IS NOT GREAT IN HIS STUDIO ROLE AT NBC? YOU’RE GONNA FUCKING DIE, HORSE.

Just LOOK at this. This horse is blatantly disrespecting me and my boy. YOU DO NOT DISRESPECT THE STEELERS OF PITTSBURGH. Horse, I’m going to give you about five fucking seconds to take back everything you said, and ackowledge right now that the Steelers are the best team in the history of the goddamn NFL, that Jerome Bettis is the best personality currently working in television, and that Joey Porter is capable of eating a roll of quarters and then shitting out an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

You got five seconds to do that, and I’mma do you like Joey Porter did Peyton Manning in the playoffs last year. I’m counting.

One…

Two…

Three…

Four…

FIVE.

WHAT? “Naaaaaaaaaaay?” FUCK THAT. All the sudden, you can’t talk? Now you’re gonna hide behind, “I’m a horse, and I’m not capable of reproducing those sounds.” FUCK YOU. You know what, horse? You look like the guy who shot my man Joey in Denver. You look just like him. Bruno, don’t he look like that punk motherfucker that shot Joey in Denver? LET’S KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER, BRUNO.

Posted in: Letters from Pets19 comments

September21

Oklahoma Continues Being Skirty

By: the mighty mjd

I understand that Bob Stoops wants to vent, and he should be entitled to do that. And he has vented, and he’s continued to do so, and I hope someone shows him the Wrap-It-Up box soon. Regardless of what happened, if you’re the best team in the Big 12, then you’ll win the Big 12 and still go to a major bowl game. You’ve still got a chance to do that. That offer remains on the table.

I do wish, though, that the rest of Oklahoma would just shut the fuck up about it. They’re now talking about pulling out of their 2008 game against Washington if the Pac-10 doesn’t change their policy that requires that Pac 10 officials be used at home games for non-conference teams.

Absurd. Oklahoma knew the policy when they entered into the contract, and they didn’t say a word about it then. If they felt the policy was unfair, they should’ve never signed the deal. Now, they get a bad call, and all the sudden, they can’t be consorting with the lowlives in the Pac 10.

It was a bad call. Nothing more, nothing less. There was not some vast conspiracy against Oklahoma in that game, it was simply a very very poor replay process, a rushed, poor judgment by a replay official, and a couple of on-field officials that missed some things they should have seen, too. It’s unfortunate, but it happened. You’ve complained for a couple of days, and that’s fine, but now it’s time to suck it up and move on.

I’m think Washington should step up and cancel the series first. The Washington AD should call a press conference tomorrow and say something like, “We’re really not comfortable playing a game against a group of twelve-year-old girls. We understand that the Oklahoma people are afraid that the referees will be mean to them again, and we don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt. We’re not playing them, but we do wish them the best of luck in the future, and in securing a berth in the Tampax Gentle Glide Bowl.”

Posted in: College Football10 comments

September21

Backdoor Cuts – 09/21/06

By: the mighty mjd

Backdoor Cuts• The replay official who blew the Oregon/Oklahoma call has been granted a leave of absence, and will not be returning to the booth this year. Probably for the best. And because I feel so bad for him, I’m going to take the $100 I won from Yay! Sports and buy him a whore.

• If you haven’t seen it, check out this clip of Chad Johnson trying to do an interview after getting knocked out against the Browns. The man is hurting. He kinda looks like a younger, blacker, Harry Caray.

• The Wade Blogs has put together a Top 18 of Ryder Cup wives/girlfriends. The most impressive on the list is #10, Alex Leigh, ladyfriend of Colin Montgomerie. She’s probably not the hottest on the list, but… well, Colin Montgomerie is punching way out of his weight class here.

• Congratulations to the fine people at iVillage.com for launching the world’s first NFL Blog for dumb cunts. It’s called “The Female Fan,” and because you’re female and like football, you can go there and vote on the sexist sexiest players on both the Broncos and Patriots rosters. And then you can pleasure me orally and make me a sandwich, because, you know… that’s what you ladies do. I was under the opinion that sports sites for women already existed, obscure sites like “ESPN” and “Deadspin.” I enjoyed Big Daddy Drew’s take on this over at Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Posted in: Backdoor Cuts9 comments

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