Archive for October, 2006
October31
Thierry Henry Has A Huge Cock
October31
Hot NBA Action Returns This Evening
I have posted embarrassingly little about the NBA, given that the season’s starting tonight. And I’d like to rectify that with about a 4,000-word preview, but… I’m not going to. For those of you who enjoy the NBA coverage (and I’m aware that a great many of you hate it as well), I promise, I’m going to make it up to you.
For now, though… my half-ass, meandering, unedited thoughts on how things will go down this season that will seem completely ignorant about two weeks from now, if they don’t already.
1. Dallas Mavericks. The Mavericks are going to be your NBA champion, and I’m sorry for ruining the suspense for you. This team made incredible strides last year, and I think learned a ton… about playoff basketball, about team defense, about leadership, about role definition, about sacrifice. And what I like best about them is that they’re still growing. Avery Johnson is still growing as a coach, Dirk Nowitzki is growing as a player, Josh Howard, Ghana Diop, Devin Harris, even Jerry Stackhouse, in some ways. All growing like a Yukon Gold plant in Stephen Belichick’s closet. They’ll be better this year than they were last year, and last year, they were as close as you can possibly get.
2. LA Clippers. Really, it’s all about what Sam Cassell feels like doing. He has a history of having one great year in a place, and the monkey-wrenching the fuck out of everything the next. Ask Minnesota. But if Cassell’s happy and motivated, I really like the way this team is put together. Best frountcourt in the league.
3. Phoenix Suns. I’m willing to grant that it’s possible for the Suns to win the championship this year, which is a step I’d been unwilling to take the previous two years. I don’t think you’re going to see crazy-explosive-Amare, but they can put themselves in the championship picture even with an Amare at less than 100% effectiveness. I still think the Mavs and Clippers will be better, deeper, more complete teams, though.
4. San Antonio Spurs. I love the way the Spurs play, I love Tim Duncan, I love Manu Ginobili, I love Tony Parker… but the Spurs have been too stagnant while everyone else is trying to get better. If they’re completely healthy come playoff time, I’ll like their chances. I just can’t imagine that being the case, though, and this team isn’t deep enough. Unless Matt Bonner and Jackie Butler are studs and I’m not aware of it… I don’t see it happening for the Spurs this year.
5. Detroit Pistons. I really don’t have any idea what to expect here. They might win 65 games, they might win 45. I hate Flip Saunders. That much, I can tell you… fuck Flip Saunders in the earhole. It’s not even that he took Detroit away from their defensive, physical style of basketball… that, I could live with. But the effort he got from his players wasn’t the same. He doesn’t seem to ever coach anyone, he doesn’t seem to insist on any accountability. The fact that they aren’t a defensive team doesn’t bother me (that would’ve probably had to change eventually, at least to some degree anyway), the fact that they aren’t a disciplined team bothers the hell out of me.
6. Cleveland Cavaliers. LeBron James is probably your MVP, but for the Cavs… I just don’t see it. Ilgauskus, Gooden, Larry Hughes, Eric Snow… all back, all still starting. Those four just aren’t good enough. I don’t know how to say it any other way.
7. Miami Heat. I’m seeing a drop-off here. A group that old, with resumes like theirs… isn’t going to be particularly motivated this season. They didn’t get much better in the off-season (with the exception of the continued development of Dwyane Wade), they just got older. I just don’t know that they’ll be hungry enough… and you don’t have to play balls-out for 82 games, of course, but that sort of thing snowballs. Be it injury, or attitude problems… I dunno. I feel like something’s going to go wrong with this team.
I don’t know that anyone else is particularly relevant to a discussion of championship contenders.
October30
Smorgasbord…
Is available here.
Or some damn disease that you can get from swimming in mud. There’s a creek in Dripping Springs, Texas that runs through Lance Armstrong’s property. At the end of this creek is a large pool that the locals use for swimming, and late night teenage sexual encounters (probably), and Lance uses to ride his bike in, completely nude, apparently.
About a year ago, the 7-time Tour de France champion decided to build a dam on the creek, which caused the swimming hole to become as polluted as Elvira Hancock’s womb. So Lance had to remove the dam, and he spent a half-a-million dollars repairing creek banks and cleaning the thing up.
But the locals say that there are still several inches of gunk in the water, and they’d like Lance to fix it. They’re pissed off enough about it that they’re going public.
“It’s just so aggravating because it’s so obvious what’s the right thing for a decent person to do,” said Jerry Hill, a 51-year-old woodworker who has lived near the pool for nearly 25 years.
Hill and several other Armstrong neighbors said they’re making their complaints public in hopes the dispute can be settled out of court.
Armstrong says he isn’t sure that it’s his fault, and that he’s done all he can, and he’ll ultimately fix it, but … well, something has these people pissed off. And I’m guessing that if Lance already put $500,000 into fixing it, he has some idea that it’s his fault.
Just fix the damn thing, Armstrong. They say it’ll only $50 or $60,000 more to take care of it… if there’s even a chance that he’s at fault, I don’t know why he wouldn’t just take care of it. Even if he won’t do it because it’s the right thing to do, do it because if you don’t, you look like Dan Snyder.
Sheryl Crow would’ve never let him get away with this. She’d have grabbed him by the ear, written a sappy, three-chord song about the joys of skinny-dipping in Texas creeks, and taken care of this herself.
Mike McCoy, an Alabama wide receiver, was attempting to catch a pass during pre-game warmups when the ball sailed over his head. He made a move for it, and fell on top of Smokey, the bluetick coonhound that serves as Tennessee’s mascot. From that point, either the dog nipped at him and possibly got a little piece of his uniform … or the dog ripped his goddamn face off.
“It was over his head and he couldn’t catch it, but he came down right on top of Smokey,” [The dog's owner Earl] Hudson explained. “Now what dog worth his salt wouldn’t defend himself?
Ah HA. If the dog wasn’t planning on eating an Alabama player, then why did he have salt with him to begin with? Smokey didn’t just want to eat the player, he wanted to season him first. I wouldn’t be surprised if the little bastard had some Worcestershire sauce, too.
Alabama head coach Mike Shula said that the player was, in fact, bitten.
When asked if McCoy was bitten, Shula told reporters on Sunday, “I can confirm that. I wasn’t an eyewitness, but I did see that it drew blood in pre-game warmups.”
So the next time you’re watching an Alabama game, look for Mike McCoy. He’ll be the one on the sidelines, foaming at the mouth and pissing on himself.
October25
I Made New Power Rankings
And you can find them here, if you’re so inclined.
October24
Dr. Douchebag
Stephon Marbury, since he already has basketball mastered, is expanding his horizons and getting into the TV game. He’s supposedly got a new talk show out there, and has already filmed a few demo shows, and is now just looking for someone to pick it up.
The first interview he did with an hour-long sitdown with Kobe Bryant, and Stephon is particularly proud of it. And I made a few phone calls and was lucky enough to get a tape. I transcribed the interview for you, and it’s here, exclusively on themightymjd.com. Enjoy.
Starbury: So, Kobe, did you see my game last night? I had 35 points.
Kobe: Cool. Did you win?
Starbury: I said I had 35 points.
Kobe: Well, yeah, I heard you… but I mean, did the Knicks win?
Starbury: I’m not sure, actually.
Kobe: Oh.
Starbury: Hey, have you tried my new shoes? They’re kind of cool.
Kobe: No, I’ve got this deal with Nike, I can’t of kind wear anything else.
Starbury: I’m doing something really nice for the kids out there who can’t afford Nike shoes.
Kobe: I think that’s great, man.
Starbury: And you’re kinda not, since your shoes are so expensive.
Kobe: (silence)
Starbury: Don’t you think that’s nice of me?
Kobe: Yeah. Yeah, that’s great.
Starbury: Say I’m nice.
Kobe: What?
Starbury: Say I’m nice. Come on, say it.
Kobe: I don’t think I’m going to say that.
Starbury: Okay, it’s cool. Everyone knows anyway.
Kobe: If you say so.
Starbury: Hey, did you know that Larry Brown was a total dick and that he told my kids that God hates all Canadians, and that he threw a knife at my wife’s face and–
Kobe: Look, man. Do you think we could talk about something other than you?
Starbury: Yeah. Well, I mean, I don’t know why we would, but if you want to…
Kobe: Alright, good.
Starbury: So… (look at his watch) Shooting the basketball is fun, isn’t it?
Kobe: Yes. I like the shooting the basketball.
Starbury: Me too.
Kobe: Yep.
Starbury: So, um… dribbling it is alright, too.
Kobe: Yeah. Sometimes, it can be.
Starbury: Yeah.
Kobe: (nods)
Starbury: So, let’s talk about you some more, since, you know, you’re too important to talk about anyone else. On a scale of 9.8 to 10, how great would you say that I am?
Kobe: See, that’s about you again.
Starbury: No, man, I asked you what you thought.
Kobe: I’m out of here.
Starbury: Cool, seeya, man. We’ll be back with more me on the Me Me Me show, right after this.
Reaction to the NBA’s new basketball has been almost universally negative… it’s slippery, it doesn’t bounce as high, it’s too tacky when dry, too slippery when wet (Bon Jovi fans, holla), it’s too easy to palm… NBA commissioner David Stern has heard the complaints, and he’d like to you to jot them down, write a formal letter of complaint, and then take that letter, and jam it in your ass.
“We’ve been testing it and retesting it,” Stern said. “And I think that some of the dramatics around it were a little overstated in terms of the downside and not enough recognition of the upside.”
“Within certain parameters of the way you want a ball to perform again and again and again, it is performing extraordinarily well,” Stern said. “It doesn’t mean it feels the same; it may not even bounce exactly the same. It may do all the things that everyone says it may or may not do, but it’s a very good ball and the tests continue to demonstrate that it’s an improvement.”
So there you go. Stern likes it, people who have done the official scientific testing like it… so it stays. The opinion of the players is evidently not relevant to the discussion.
If you’re an ESPN Insider, Chris Sheridan talks to the commissioner about the new ball, and sort of grills him on the subject. Stern ends up getting a little bit agitated with the questioning and says, “Take this man away.”
Stern’s biggest defense of the ball is that they’re all the same. Every basketball will behave exactly the same, unlike the old leather balls, where there was some pretty substantial variance. NBA refs went through like 20 balls before every game before they found one they could use. That will no longer be an issue.
So yeah, the ball might be terrible… but at least it’s consistently terrible. That’s sound reasoning. Poking myself in the eye with a steak knife hurts more than poking myself in the eye with a broken twig, but the twig is different every time. At least with the steak knife, I can count on the brutal piercing of my retina, so that’s a plus.
Now, don’t get me wrong… I ultimately think this is not a big deal, and a couple weeks into the season, no one’s going to remember any talk about a new basketball. Players will adjust, they’ll get used to whatever they have to, and it’ll be fine. It’s Stern’s arrogance and refusal to consider anyone else’s viewpoint on anything that I find noteworthy. It’s kind of like…
NBA Player: Commissioner, we don’t like the new basketball.
David Stern: Oh, is that so?
NBA Player: Yes, sir.
David Stern: Well, is your name David Stern?
NBA Player: No, sir.
David Stern: Well, then I guess you should shut the fuck up then, huh?
And they’re taking measures to ensure that this happens, replacing Hubie Brown as their lead analyst. And that’s enough right there to know that it’s a bad decision… Hubie Brown is the best game analyst alive, in any sport. There’s no one they could replace him with that would be as good. There is no one. No one.
But the man that is stepping into the role is Mark Jackson, who used to be the analyst on ABC’s studio show, which was one of the worst in all of sports. Last year, it started out with Dan Patrick and Mark Jackson… but it sounded a bit too much like the Delicous Dish skit on National Public Radio, only no one ever came around to talk about their Schwetty Balls, so they had to bring in Mike Wilbon to give it some life.
Hubie Brown, the best to ever do it, is being replaced by the guy who needed Mike Wilbon to come in and keep his show from inducing the entire viewership into a collective coma.
Hubie will take over as the lead analyst on ESPN, which I suppose means that I’ll ultimately see more of Hubie Brown than I would have otherwise. But when the playoffs and the Finals roll around, it’s going to be way less Hubie, and I’m going to miss him.
October23
