Archive for October 6th, 2006

October6

Terrell Owens Is All About The Kids

By: the mighty mjd

As noted in the WBRS Sports Blog this morning, Terrell Owens has a children’s book coming out entitled “Little T Learns to Share.” A synopsis:

It’s about a young boy learning the value of sharing. Little T, the title character, refuses to share his football at first but later realizes he can’t enjoy his new ball without friends. “I tried to play outside alone and throw it by myself, but football isn’t football unless you play with someone else,” Little T tells his mother in the book.

The publisher has provided us with this excerpt from the book:

Little T: Hey, that’s my football!
Little Jeffie G: I know! We’re having fun playing with it! Thanks T!
Little T: But it’s mine, and I like to have it all to myself.
Little Jeffie G: I know you do, but it’ll be more fun for all of us if you share!
Little T: Really? Maybe you’re right!
Little Jeffie G: I know I am! Let’s go play!
Little T: Actually, on second thought, Little Jeffie G… I’m not sharing anything with you, because I think you’re gay.
Little Jeffie G: That’s not very nice! Wait, what does ‘gay’ mean?
Little T: It means when you take the hike from the center, you try to touch him in his naughty place.
Little Jeffie G: That’s SICK!
Little T: (singing) Jeffie G is gay-ay, ha ha ha… Jeffie G is gay-ay, ha ha ha…
Little Jeffie G: Stop it!
Little T: Your boyfriend is a priest!
Little Jeffie G: I hate you! You’re really mean, and you can take your football and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine, mister! I don’t want to play anymore! And by the way, I’m dating a Playboy model!
Little T: No one’s going to believe that, Jeffie.
Little Jeffie G: Why, because I look like Boggs from The Shawshank Redemption?
Little T: No, you because you’re four years old.
Little Jeffie G: SHUT UP!
Little T: JEFFIE G TRIED TO KISS ME ON THE MOUTH!
(Little T then shocks Little Jeffie G in the face)
Little Donnie Mac: Hey, what’s going on here? Aren’t we all friends?
Little T: I’m not friends with Jeffie anymore, because he touches boys. Will you be my new friend?
Little Donnie Mac: Sure!
Little T: Okay, just throw me the ball, okay?
Little Donnie Mac: Okay!
(Little T runs a deep 20-yard post corner route, and Little Donnie Mac’s throw is woefully short)
Little T: You said you’d throw it to me!
Little Donnie Mac: I tried, but you went too far away!
Little T: I went to the endzone, because that’s where touchdown makers go!
Little Donnie Mac: It’s 35 yards away!
Little T: So what? I’m all jacked up on Ripped Fuel, creatine and Mountain Dew!
Little Donnie Mac: I like Happy Meals.
Little T: Throw me the damn ball, you jerk!
Little Donnie Mac: You’re 35 yards away, and I’m FOUR YEARS OLD!
Little T: I hope you die.
Little Donnie Mac: I wish you wouldn’t say mean things like that, T. You don’t mean that.
Little T: Yes I do, and you aren’t my friend anymore! And I can say whatever I want, because my friend Kimmie says I’m the coolest kid in school!
Little Donnie Mac: Who’s Kimmie?
Little T: My publicist.
Little Donnie Mac: What’s a publicicicist?
Little T: She’s someone who tells everyone how great I am. She also said she’d touch my weiner if I gave her some of my Legos.
Little Donnie Mac: I’m telling. You’re gonna get in trouble.
Little T: You’re just jealous, because I have a cool new football and my very own publicist!
Little Donnie Mac: SHUT UP! I don’t even want a stupid publicicicicist.
Little T: You don’t need one, because you aren’t as awesome as me! Also, there’s no chance you’re going to go home and cry straight through nap-time and then wake up and try to slit your wrist with the little plastic knife that comes with your Lunchables!
Little Donnie Mac: I don’t think I want to be your friend anymore, Little T.
Little T: Good! Go be gay with Little Jeffie G! You two are totally gay for each other!

Posted in: NFL12 comments

October6

There Are Knicks Who Aren’t Dumbasses

By: the mighty mjd

Of course, the man pictured to your right isn’t one of them. The Knicks had their first practice the other day, and surprise, surprise… Stephon Marbury is happier with the way things are going under new head coach Isiah Thomas. Here’s what Starbury the Great had to say about the new system:

“It’s more free flowing and free going,” Marbury said of Thomas’ first practice. “You don’t have somebody who couldn’t handle the ball telling you, ‘Don’t do this, don’t do that.’”

The guy who “couldn’t handle the ball” to whom Stephon is referring is, of course, Larry Brown. The same Larry Brown who, by the way, won a gold medal in 1964. Was a three-time all-Star in the ABA. Holds the single game ABA record for assists with 23. And is the ABA’s all-time career assists leader. That Larry Brown.

Meanwhile, Frank Isola of the New York Daily News speculates on what might’ve gone down had Quentin Richardson and Jamal Crawford been called to testify in Larry Brown’s arbitration hearing in New York with NBA commissioner David Stern.

Under oath, Crawford would paint a very different picture of the head coach the Knicks are trying to portray as devious and borderline crazy. Crawford would admit that while in fact Brown was critical of him, the Knicks guard flourished under Brown and enjoyed the best season of his career. And Crawford would recall that Brown eventually called him “the most improved player I’ve ever coached.”

Richardson’s testimony would be more powerful since the veteran small forward would tell Stern that Brown was only trying to help the team by riding Stephon Marbury with tough love. And yes, Richardson would admit that police had to be called to the Knicks’ training facility in Greenburgh last January because Richardson refused to leave the building until he could fight Marbury.

Neither Crawford nor Richardson was summoned to New York and put in the awkward position of having to defend his former coach in front of his current employer. Instead, a couple of Brown’s pets now tip-toe around the issue of the Hall of Fame coach while trying to adhere to the organization’s unofficial policy of “If You Have Nothing Bad To Say About Larry Keep It To Yourself.”

“We’re not supposed to talk about Larry,” Richardson said yesterday.

Imagine that… guys who want to be coached. Hell, it sounds like they even liked it. I hope they enjoyed their time becoming better basketball players, because that’s almost certainly coming to an end now. It’s hard to grow as a player in the “watch Stephon Marbury shoot and tell him how great he is” system.

And the fact that Quentin Richardson wanted to fight Stephon Marbury that badly makes him just about my favorite NBA player. I vow right now that at any point in the future when I play an NBA video game, I will always, always, without exception, trade for Quentin Richardson.

Posted in: Dickheads, NBA9 comments

October6

Doug And Jackie Christie Want An Invite To Carson Palmer’s Cornhole Classic

By: the mighty mjd

So, I didn’t think this was something I’d be discussing today, but you know Doug Christie’s wife Jackie? She takes it in the ass. Yep. Straight up the ass.

Really, she does. And that’s not the sort of thing I care about, and not the sort of thing I like to say (okay, I do), but… you know, that’s what I read today at The Big Lead. Doug and Jackie Christie have some kind of reality show coming out, and they went on Stern to discuss it. They ended up telling Howard Stern that they liked the backdoor, but stopped short of any “dirty sanchez” action.

That’s good to know. It was very important that we all know that.

I’ve always sort of felt a little bit bad for Doug and Jackie Christie… yes, he behaves like a whipped, lovestruck, high school boy, but at least the Christies are in a committed relationship, and when you’re talking about the NBA lifestyle… that’s saying something. I just don’t understand the desire to tell Howard Stern (and the world) about your sexual habits. Do they like the idea of the general public knowing in what orifices Jackie prefers to be penetrated?

I mean, even if it’s true, I wouldn’t want anyone talking about how MJD once made love to a warm bag of ground beef… and that’s why I don’t go on Howard Stern saying things like that. But hey… they did, it’s there, and now we all know about it. I wish we didn’t.

Posted in: NBA8 comments

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