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Gilbert Arenas Keeps A Clean Colon

From an Esquire feature entitled “The Pathology of Gilbert Arenas” come these quotes… and Gilbert Arenas is on the precipice of becoming universally loved. His personality is an endearing mix of real, funny, relatable, human, grounded, imaginative, slightly crazy, and compulsively eccentric. If you can read these and not like Gilbert Arenas, then don’t know what to tell you.

On going on when the Wizards are on the road:

There’s nothing out there for me. I don’t know those cities. I don’t know where to go. I don’t have any people. Other guys will be out, the steak house, the clubs, just rollin’. Me, I’m fine. Time is falling off. Sun’s coming up. I’m doing more sit-ups than the night before. I’ll watch three or four movies. I’ll watch infomercials. The last thing I bought was this colon cleanser. I just got talked into it. I’m like, Man, he makes it sound so good.

On Awvee Storey:

We have a couple of players who are very aggressive, like Awvee Storey. You know, when you have aggressive people, they have to relieve some of that. And I’m one of those people. I don’t care—I wrastle. Wrestling. Hurting. I’ll bite, punch him in the side. I’ll say, Look, you punch me in the stomach once, I’ll punch you in the stomach once. We’ll see who falls on the floor first. It’s like: No punching in the face. No chest and ribs. We don’t hurt each other. I mean, a couple of rug burns here or there. I remember one day, he laid on top of me and was pinching my nose so hard that it bruised. For two days, it was just burgundy. He was calling me Rudolph. Me and him, we can’t be in the same room. Our personalities clash because he’s a bully and I don’t like being bullied by anybody.

On a XBox NBA 2K6 game where he spotted his friend 200 points:

There’s a minute and a half left, and Real Gilbert is up by 191. Then Game Gilbert gets a steal and throws a long pass—only to have LeBron pick it off. “Sorry, Gilbert,” says Gilbert. “You can’t stop the King.” As the game ticks down, the Cavs and Gilbert—Real Gilbert—are up by 201. John has the ball and is running the clock down for the final shot. At the last second, Antawn Jamison flips in a layup that makes it 331–132. John screams, circling the room, knocking magazines here and there. The man just got beat by 199 points and is ecstatic. Gilbert shakes his head.

On his dream commercial:

You know how I always throw my jersey into the stands after a game? In Washington, they just go crazy for it. So in this commercial, that’s what I’m gonna do with my shoes. I’ve just hit a game winner, and I throw these shoes. Everyone starts to react, and you see everything in slow motion. Everyone’s pushing, shoving, doing whatever it takes to try to get to these shoes. People from the 400 level, they’re jumping off the ledge, they’re missing the pile, hitting nothing but chairs, and you can just see in people’s faces like, Ooooh, that hurt. While all this stuff’s going on, one of the shoes pops out of the crowd, and a little girl gets it and she takes off. A couple of people see she has it, and they start chasing her, and she’s looking back running—and then she gets clotheslined by a kid in a wheelchair. So he picks the shoe up and says—he’s gonna have the only line in there—”They said I couldn’t get it. Heh. Impossible is nothing.” And then he rolls off.

And there are a ton more in the lengthy article, which you can read here.

Matthew J. Darnell

8 Comments

  1. All I know is, anyone who can talk Gilbert Arenas into buying colon cleanser, and make the stuff sound “so good” to boot, has some kind of crazy genius salesman skills.

  2. Mancrush? Mancrush.

    Seriously, between this and the DC boy that he mentors, Gilbert is one of the few things that I enjoy about the NBA. If he needs a friend in Philly I’m here.

  3. colon cleanser and wrestling other men?

    Hmmmm… how many times is Richard Gere mentioned in the full article?

  4. Gilbert is the funnest player to follow in the NBA. There is no one remotely like him in the league. He’s eccentric, giving, and a phenomenal talent. Plus, he’s a fellow Wildcat – gotta love that.

  5. Thanks for the link to the full article–while the style was a bit tired at times, it was really anecdotal and thus easy to read.

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