It’s an exciting time to be a woman… because Mike Tyson would like to smash your face in. On “Mike Tyson’s World Tour,” Mike is entertaining the notion of fighting women. And I think right now is as good a time as any to mention that I think within the next five years, we’ll see Mike Tyson doing porn.

And when I say “see” him doing porn, I don’t just mean that it’s going to happen. I mean you will actually see it, because I’m going to put it on this website via YouTube. I think Mike Porn’s career will start out as a novelty, being marketed like, “See Mike Tyson give out a vicious pounding of another kind,” and it might make some money for a while… but eventually the novelty will wear off, and it will be more like, “Hot Interracial Action, Volume 6: Starring Jack Blackcock, Hank Shadowmeat, and Mike Tyson.”

Anyway… kinda got sidetracked there. Back on the subject of Tyson fighting women…

“She’s such a prominent, dominant woman in the boxing field,” Tyson said.

When asked if he was joking about fighting women, Tyson said, “I’m very serious.”

Russ Young, a promoter for Wolfe, said such a bout will never happen.

“That’s the first we’ve heard of it,” Young said. “No state would sanction that. She would be outweighed by 60 to 70 pounds. Ann would never entertain the idea.”

Eh, that doesn’t really sound like a clear-cut ‘no’ to me. We’ll leave the door open for future discussions.

Let’s take a look at the best and worst case scenarios for Mike Tyson fighting a woman:

Best case: The event is first protested by all sorts of women’s groups, anti-domestic violence groups, groups that are for basic human decency, etc. But the fight goes on, last four rounds, and has no real entertainment value. Mike doesn’t really try, and it’s just a sad little show that can’t help but depress anyone with the misfortune to watch it.

Worst case: Protestors actually get into the ring, bludgeon Mike with signs and rotting fruit, until security drags them out of there, leaving Tyson sitting on the stool in the corner, chewing on his mouthpiece and crying. Fans begin to boo, because Tyson doesn’t want to fight anymore. One guy in the front row keeps screaming, “Fight, you pussy!” at Tyson until he eventually gets up, wipes his tears away, and starts to fight. In 30 seconds, he has broken all of Wolfe’s ribs, knocked her unconscious, and raped her in front of 5,000 people, some of whom are vomiting, some of whom are crying, and some of whom are cheering him on.

So yeah, this seems like a fantastic idea.

The first stop on Mike Tyson’s World Tour is coming on October 20th in Youngstown, Ohio. A four-round sparring session with Tyson’s pal Corey Sanders is available on pay-per-view for $30. If you were going to buy it, don’t… just send Mike a check for $30 instead.