Archive for October 20th, 2006

October20

Tiger’s Relationship With Christ

By: the mighty mjd

Tiger Woods was at some kind of a Nike corporate outing recently, entertaining executives and various other rich people. There was a question and answer session, and most people asked questions about their swings… until some guy got up and said, “Have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior? And if not, prayfully, would you?”

The room fell silent in response to the holy roller. But Tiger, as he always is, was unflappable. His response:

“My father was a Christian – of course Christianity was part of my life – but my mother is Asian and Buddhism was also part of my childhood, so I practice both faiths respectfully.”

Very smooth… didn’t even break stride. Here’s a short list of how some other athletes may have responded. Feel free to add your own…

Rasheed Wallace: “Aw, fuck you.”

Ben Roethlisberger: “Ah… no, not really. You guys probably know this, but I’m invincible. I don’t need a helmet to play football, I damn sure don’t need one to ride a motorcycle, and I once played a football game with a temperature of 137, so I don’t really need a savior. But don’t get me wrong, Jesus is cool. Tell him to call me if he needs to know how to throw a tighter spiral. I’ll even autograph a Fathead for him.”

Terrell Owens: “Hell yeah. I tried to go see him last week.”

Darrell Jackson: “Yeah, you know, I like Jesus. Me and Jesus cool, ‘n stuff like dat. He’s my savior, and I go to chuch ‘n stuff like dat.”

Shawn Green: No. No I don’t.

Carl Everett: Jesus? As my savior? I’m not even sure that brother existed, alright, so fuck him. Fuck Jesus, and fuck dinosaurs.”

Kurt Warner: “Well, you asked the right guy. Everyone get comfortable. We’re gonna be here for a while.”

Allen Iverson: We sittin’ here… I’m supposed to be the franchise player, and we talkin’ about Jesus. Not God. Not God… not God. We talkin’ about Jesus. What are we talkin’ ’bout? Jesus? We talkin’ about Jesus, man. We talkin’ about Jesus. We ain’t talkin’ about God. We talkin’ about Jesus.

Joe Theismann: Absolutely, I do. Jesus was a guy who went out there every Sunday and just got the job done. Until they nailed him to that cross, and then he lost a little bit of effectiveness in his deep ball. So what I’m saying is no, no I don’t.

Mark Cuban: I actually just signed Jesus to a seven-year, $115 million deal. He’ll be backing up Dirk Nowitzki.

Lamar Thomas: “Me and Jesus are cool, but Jesus better not come in to the OB playin’ that stuff. You can’t let him come in here with his apostles and start talkin’ that noise. I’ll get on that elevator and go down there and beat his ass myself.”

Posted in: Golf41 comments

October20

Who The Heck Is Yadier Molina?

By: the mighty mjd

I was able to watch the last few innings of the game last night… pretty compelling stuff. Baseball can be kind of awesome when something’s on the line.

It’s almost a shame that the Mets didn’t win, because that Endy Chavez grab/throw would’ve made a much better signature highlight for the series than this Yadier character (pictured above, filming a bukkake scene immediately after the game) somehow blasting a homerun. The man had six homeruns all year. Feel much shame, Aaron Heilman. I know from MLB 2K6 that if you leave a change-up up in the zone, that it’s going to get pounded. Digital Joe Morgan’s told me that about a thousand times while I was throwing my controller and cursing.

And then Beltran watching a series-ending strike three go by… I can’t decide if that’s just a bonehead play, if it was a brilliant pitch. On the bonehead play side, it’s 0-2, and your life is on the line… hack if it’s close. And with the 0-2 count, he had to be expecting the hook. It was working for him, and if he missed with it, it’s no big deal. Shouldn’t he be looking curveball there? But on the brilliant pitch side… Wainright is probably thinking that Beltran is sure he’s going to waste one. So maybe if he starts a pitch that’s looking like it’s headed out of the zone, it would freeze him. I dunno. If that’s what happened, it took balls… but before the pitch, the catcher was also signaling, I believe, to put it in the dirt… so maybe Wainright didn’t actually throw it where he wanted it, and got lucky. I dunno.

But… congrats to the Cards, and my sympathies to the sadfuck Mets fans.

Posted in: Baseball6 comments

October20

Sebastian Telfair Shot Fabolous

By: the mighty mjd

Okay, probably not. But you know, police haven’t ruled it out. And that’s something.

Police are investigating the shooting of rapper Fabulous and the theft of Sebastian Telfair’s necklace as possibly conected. Bassy was hanging out outside of one of Diddy’s clubs in New York, when someone jacked him for a chain that was valued at $50,000. Ripped it right off his neck.

And just minutes later, Fabolous was shot outside of the same club.

Telfair, and this probably sounds more suspicious than it actually is, turned down an offer from someone to call the police for him. He was then seen making a phone call of his own.

So… yeah. That’s where it is. Police are investigating. And let me say that I’m really sorry that Fabulous (real name Skylar John Jackson) was shot… I don’t know how bad his wounds are, and I hope there’s a quick and full recovery. I liked “Into You,” and I don’t care if that makes me a woman.

But at the same time… I’d be lying if I told you that I wasn’t excited about the possibility that Sebastian Telfair had Fabolous shot because someone jacked his chain. That would be bizarre, surreal, and I’m sorry, but… awesome. And hopefully it would set off some kind of a huge rapper vs. Boston Celtic beef, where T.I. ends up putting a slug in Brian Scalabrine, and Paul Pierce gets stabbed by… actually, that’s probably in poor taste. Nevermind.

Let me also say that I think that’s highly unlikely… I mean, I’m not expecting police to arrive at that conclusion.

And again… recover quickly, Fabolous. Follow your own advice.

Posted in: Criminality, NBA4 comments

October20

…And So Do I

By: the mighty mjd

Found at MisterIrrelevant.com is this commercial for… I dunno, tits? Clearly, we here in America have much to learn about jersey-swapping, and about commercials.

I just saw this at Insomniac’s Lounge, too… so I don’t know who to credit. But thanks.

Posted in: Trim7 comments

© Copyright . All Rights Reserved.