Tiger Woods was at some kind of a Nike corporate outing recently, entertaining executives and various other rich people. There was a question and answer session, and most people asked questions about their swings… until some guy got up and said, “Have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior? And if not, prayfully, would you?”
The room fell silent in response to the holy roller. But Tiger, as he always is, was unflappable. His response:
“My father was a Christian – of course Christianity was part of my life – but my mother is Asian and Buddhism was also part of my childhood, so I practice both faiths respectfully.”
Very smooth… didn’t even break stride. Here’s a short list of how some other athletes may have responded. Feel free to add your own…
Rasheed Wallace: “Aw, fuck you.”
Ben Roethlisberger: “Ah… no, not really. You guys probably know this, but I’m invincible. I don’t need a helmet to play football, I damn sure don’t need one to ride a motorcycle, and I once played a football game with a temperature of 137, so I don’t really need a savior. But don’t get me wrong, Jesus is cool. Tell him to call me if he needs to know how to throw a tighter spiral. I’ll even autograph a Fathead for him.”
Terrell Owens: “Hell yeah. I tried to go see him last week.”
Darrell Jackson: “Yeah, you know, I like Jesus. Me and Jesus cool, ‘n stuff like dat. He’s my savior, and I go to chuch ‘n stuff like dat.”
Shawn Green: No. No I don’t.
Carl Everett: Jesus? As my savior? I’m not even sure that brother existed, alright, so fuck him. Fuck Jesus, and fuck dinosaurs.”
Kurt Warner: “Well, you asked the right guy. Everyone get comfortable. We’re gonna be here for a while.”
Allen Iverson: We sittin’ here… I’m supposed to be the franchise player, and we talkin’ about Jesus. Not God. Not God… not God. We talkin’ about Jesus. What are we talkin’ ’bout? Jesus? We talkin’ about Jesus, man. We talkin’ about Jesus. We ain’t talkin’ about God. We talkin’ about Jesus.
Joe Theismann: Absolutely, I do. Jesus was a guy who went out there every Sunday and just got the job done. Until they nailed him to that cross, and then he lost a little bit of effectiveness in his deep ball. So what I’m saying is no, no I don’t.
Mark Cuban: I actually just signed Jesus to a seven-year, $115 million deal. He’ll be backing up Dirk Nowitzki.
Lamar Thomas: “Me and Jesus are cool, but Jesus better not come in to the OB playin’ that stuff. You can’t let him come in here with his apostles and start talkin’ that noise. I’ll get on that elevator and go down there and beat his ass myself.”
Zack
Paul Maguire: You wanna talk about a guy who has accepted Jesus as his savior, here let me show you. Watch this right here, this guy asks a question, he’s waiting for answer, he’s waiting, he’s waiting and BAM! True Christ believer right in his face!
October 20, 2006 at 2:53 am
Ten Ale Tilt
Thank you. I needed a laugh after the Mets’ loss, and the AI impression hit the spot.
October 20, 2006 at 3:20 am
The Big Picture
Jim Mora: Jesus?! Jesus?! You wanna talk about Jesus?!? we can’t win a lousy game.
Dennis Green: Crown his ass. just crown his ass. JESUS IS WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS!
October 20, 2006 at 4:21 am
insomniac
Bill Parcells: You know, I haven’t even seen that much of The Son in practice. I can read about what The Son has done in the past, but I need to know what he can do now. So until I’ve seen more of The Son with my own eyes, I can’t really answer your question. That’s the Truth.
…
Now, just to be one of those idiots who gives a serious answer to what was obviously a joke. The reason that Carl Everett doesn’t believe in dinosaurs is because they aren’t mentioned in the Bible. Now, it’s been awhile since I’ve gone to any services, but I’m pretty sure Jesus does get a couple shout-outs in that book.
October 20, 2006 at 6:46 am
The Dynamic Hispanic
Joe Morgan: Jesus? Jesus is a righteous cat, man. You know Jesus wouldn’t be down with that Moneyball stuff. If you spoke of Moneyball around Jesus he would turn your water into urine, man. That Moneyball shit is bullshit, I don’t buy into it and neither does Jesus.
Stephen A Smith: YOU HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE, LOOKING SAYING ALRIGHT, YOU KNOW, JESUS DID WHAT HE DID. WITH THE OLD TESTAMENT AND WHAT HAVE YOU, BUT WE ARE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT. YOU UNDERSTAND? WE ARE STILL LOOKING FOR HIM. FUCK CHEESEDOODLES. JESUS IS THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO BRING PEOPLE TO QUITE FRANKLY TO BOO DUSTY BAKER. QUITE FRANKLY JESUS IS IRRELEVANT.
October 20, 2006 at 7:55 am
The Dynamic Hispanic
Steve Lyons: You’re talking about Jesus and all of a sudden my wallet is missing.
George Steinbrenner: I am deeply disappointed in my team’s first round failure, and if we don’t win one soon, I mean it has been six LONG years, I am going to have to switch saviors. This is getting ridiculous. This is a sad failure, and things are going to change around here.
Brett Favre: Well, I have thought about Jesus a lot and I haven’t made up my mind yet. I am not sure where I stand on the issue, but I plan on letting you know sometime during the first week of training camp. Until then, it is up in the air one way or another whether or not I accept Jesus or not. Keep checking on me every week though, because you never know when it will change. Hell, I probably will throw a press conference in a few weeks just to let you know I haven’t made a decision yet on where I stand.
Jay Mariotti: Well, I don’t think Jesus has a CHANCE of winning the big one this year. I mean, looking at the strengths and weaknesses of the holy one, I just don’t think he has much of a shot. Later in the year though, when Jesus is running away with the division title, I probably will say Jesus has a good shot of winning it all this year. You know why? Because I am another shitty fucking sports columnist that makes every ffucking column about myself, and I am so sad that I even got the WikiPedia people to stop letting people edit my page because they were writing true things about me that I didn’t want people to know. You know, like about how I am hated by my peers and readers everywhere, and how I don’t actually go to events and don’t get real quotes, but I write my column from my fucking living room every night while I beat off to gay porn every night.
October 20, 2006 at 8:05 am
The Dynamic Hispanic
Sorry guys I am drunk and have class in 45 minutes, so I am having a little bit of fun with this.
Joe Buck: What the Jews did to Jesus is just a DISGUSTING ACT. WHAT A DISGUSTING ACT.
Chris Berman: You’re with me, Jesus.
Alex Rodriguez: Jesus has no idea what hardship really is. Try making $250 million playing for the Yankees. Try living under THAT pressure. That is impossible. I mean, guys like Scott Brosius, Luis Sojo and Tino Martinez were able to get it done in the post-season, but since I have been a Yankee I am hitting under .200 in important at-bats. I even hit eighth in the order in Game Four, what the fuck is that all about?
Jason Giambi: I thank Jesus everyday for letting me get caught with steroids and yet not being the most hated guy in the Bronx. Thanks, Alex.
October 20, 2006 at 8:14 am
brooshkin
Mark Shlereth : When you talk about Jesus you’re talking about a physical presence. He just imposes his will and OUT-PHYSICALS the other guy.
October 20, 2006 at 8:36 am
Johnny
Great, just great!
October 20, 2006 at 8:53 am
Unsilent Majority
Judas Iscariot- Eh, I could go either way
October 20, 2006 at 8:59 am
wannabe
John Madden: Well, if you’re talking about Jesus, then you’re talking about the Lord…and, and, right here, is where the Lord comes in…and the Saviour is right behind him, right here, and, and…when the Lord moves here, the Saviour moves here, and then BOOM! Jesus slides in right behind, and that’s the whole deal right there…and that’s why they play the game….
October 20, 2006 at 9:24 am
DayOfDaulton12.12.12
Darren Daulton: I’ll talk things over with him when I am travelling through time tonight during my dream phase.
Charlie Manuel: He played real good. Coulda done better. If he played a little better, maybe got a few hits, we’d a done good. (sleeps)
October 20, 2006 at 9:48 am
umlaut75
Charlie Weis: What does Jesus have to do with the game against UCLA? We have a great team here with a brilliantly fantastic coach and some journalist is asking me about Jesus? Let me tell you something, Jesus could never have outcoached me. You want to ask me about UCLA, fine. But if you ask me about Jesus again, it’ll be the last question you ever ask me. Fucking journo. Who’s next?
October 20, 2006 at 9:50 am
bryan
Mike Tyson: I accepted Jethuth into hy heart as my personality savior when i was 11, right before i hit publicity.
Dan Shanoff: best.person.ever.
Nancy Kerrigan: Why!? Why!?
October 20, 2006 at 10:16 am
Chucky Atkins Jr.
That was awesome! If I could do it all over again, “fuck Jesus and fuck dinosaurs” would have to be my high school yearbook quote. Happy Friday, bitches!…this post just made my day.
October 20, 2006 at 10:24 am
Zack
Sammy Sosa’s Lawyer: I’m sorry but my client does not understand English well enough to answer that question. I know you’re thinking hasn’t my client given thousands of interviews to American reporters since 1996? However, that does not change the fact that my client’s comprehension of the English language is limited at best, and I am not going to allow him to make comments about ster- I mean Jesus that will misinterpreted later.
Sammy Sosa (Bobbing his head): Yeah, I mean si, yo no comprendo.
October 20, 2006 at 11:03 am
Mandalay
Bill Simmons: Jesus is like Len Bias–a nice white suit, a few loaves and fishes, then he dies and everyone says ‘oh, yeah, Jesus, he would have been one of the great ones, right up there with Bird and MJ.’
October 20, 2006 at 11:08 am
HuangKong
Joe Namath: “…. …. I think ….I wanna kiss Jesus.”
October 20, 2006 at 11:26 am
Matt
Randy Moss: Do I accept Jesus? You know, I don’t know, that’s a crazy question and it’s crazy around here, man. Jesus is something that we’re trying to hold on to, and, hopefully, Jesus can move us in the right direction, so I’m just trying to stay away from all of that stuff this year, like I did last year and, hopefully, Jesus can help us win some games. This is not my team, this is Jesus’ team, I’m only playing here. So whoever Jesus puts out opposite of me, either I’ll play with them or I won’t play with them. It’s fishy around here, man, so, actually, we’re walking on eggshells around here while Jesus is walking on water. But you know what? I don’t really want to single players out, I mean, I don’t really know what the feeling about Jesus is. But I know the feeling is bad, so that’s saying no one cares about Jesus or what’s going on around here.
Jesus responded as follows: “One thing about this organization, everybody has a chance and opportunity to speak their mind,” Jesus said. “Every individual, every player. So, what’s he talking about? I have no idea.”
October 20, 2006 at 12:05 pm
The Meathead
Dick Vitale: JESUS IS AWESOME BABY WITH A CAPITAL A! LOOK AT HIM DO THAT DIPSY-DOO-DUNK-A-ROO ON FREDERIC WEIS! HE’S THE ORIGINAL DIAPER DANDY BABY! I JUST SHIT MY PANTS!
October 20, 2006 at 1:34 pm
Pacifist Viking
Michael Vick: I always think about that. I always think, if I played in Jerusalem, what type of effect would I have on that team? Or what would I be able to do different? It’s something I wish I could do for just one week.
I feel like I’m at a stage where I can almost do it all. I want to continue to walk around preaching to people, you know, but I just feel that the game is easier when you’re curing cripples with your divine skills. That’s the fun part of it. You’ve just got to be given the opportunity.
October 20, 2006 at 2:13 pm
Wayneo
That was the funniest thing I have seen in awhile.
October 20, 2006 at 3:31 pm
Andy
Austin Croshere is Jesus?
October 20, 2006 at 3:35 pm
rickjames
Berman: Have I accepted Jesus? Why would I go and do that? That is such a stupid question. What are you, stupid? That is so stupid.
October 20, 2006 at 4:19 pm
The Dar
Ed Orgeron: Oooweeeeooowweeeooooweeeewooow oooo Ohhhhhh. Oooooo oh. Jesus.
October 20, 2006 at 4:38 pm
Plan B
Lamar Thomas:
“Hell 2 DA NAW!”
October 20, 2006 at 4:40 pm
brooshkin
This is great. Totally cracked me up.
Completely off topic … sorry …
Please avoid sportsfrog like the plague … unless you thoroughly enjoy reading about the English Premier League or what books a pseudo-sports fan geek is currently reading or getting ganged up on if you disagree with their collective opinion …
Otherwise … by all means …
October 20, 2006 at 6:18 pm
Mark
Lloyd Carr: Now why would you ask me a stupid question like that?
Kenny Rogers: (Punches cameraman in the face
Tony Stewart: “He wrecked me. Jesus…he plain come in and wrecked me. That’s just it. You know, he spun me in Bristol, he spun me at Talladega, and now he did it again. It just frustrates me because NASCAR’s not going to do anything about it…they didn’t do anything about it before, so they won’t do anything about it now. It just sucks for this #20 Home Depot Chevy team. We had a really good car today, and a good shot at a win, and now we’re gonna spend the rest of the race in the garage. Jesus just better watch his back.”
Personally, I would’ve gone with this for the Chris Berman quote:
Chris Berman: “Jesus Christ…superstar…83-yard touchdown reception, Bears up 21-0 after the extra point.
October 20, 2006 at 7:24 pm
ReKen
Chad Johnson: I gotta question for you. Can Jesus stop #85? Jes-US? No, Jes-YOU.
Tim McCarver: As good as “John” Christ is a Lord, he’s also been that great a Savior. His fastball is THAT fast.
October 20, 2006 at 8:32 pm
the mighty mjd
I appreciate the compliment, brooshkin, but… I can’t share your view of the Frog. I happen to like the English Premier League, and books… and I think it’s a high quality site. One of the best. Always something interesting to read over there, be in on the front page or in The Swamp.
October 21, 2006 at 1:56 am
BigAl
Scottie Pippen:
“There we are, dying seconds of the game, game on the line. Time out, our ball. Mike’s retired and I’m the man in Chi-town, time for me to step up and show it. And then Phil Jackson goes and runs a play for JESUS!?!?!?!
F*^& this, I’m throwing me a chair!”
October 21, 2006 at 2:54 am
Mike
Shaun Alexander: Jesus? Yeah, He healed my foot. Wait a minute, it’s still broken. Oh well, it feels a lot better than it did.
October 21, 2006 at 4:12 am
Doctor Lingerie
Maurice Clarett (to parole board): Absolutely.
October 21, 2006 at 4:06 pm
grapp
tom jackson: ARE YOU RETARDED OR SOMETHING, i will tell you something i do beleive in, stealing michael irvings weird ass jumbo ties and matching shirt. i have spent as much time thinking about jesus as i have thinking about what to wear on the set of nfl countdown, meaning not much.
October 22, 2006 at 10:56 am
the Doctor
Najeh Davenport: “I’m anointing this hamper right now!”
October 23, 2006 at 1:14 pm
al state
Kenny Rogers: “I believed in Jesus for the first inning. Then they made me get rid of him, though, because the other batters thought he was making my pitches do funny stuff.”
David Beckham: “Yes, I do. I got a text from Jesus before the match wishing me well.”
October 23, 2006 at 6:19 pm
bmf526
One of the best pposts ever, I loved it.
October 23, 2006 at 8:10 pm
troy polomalu's hair
Sage Rosenfels: “No.”
October 24, 2006 at 12:46 am
KevinP
I like the Joe Morgan one, but I thought it might be something like this:
Jesus? I heard he’s pretty good, and everyone seems high on him. But I haven’t seen him yet so it wouldn’t be fair of me to comment.
October 24, 2006 at 10:51 pm
NFL Adam
Joe Buck: “I have a lot of respect for Jesus. He, like me, had his dad set him up with a sweet gig.”
October 26, 2006 at 12:20 am
Tom
Bill Belichick: “What’s Jesus’s status? It is what it is. We hope to have him back at practice soon, but he’s still day-to-day with his hands.”
November 1, 2006 at 11:43 pm